Dear Diary, I'm Completely Lost

An Eye-Opening Experience

My face falls. Oh my God. Oh my God! I can’t believe I’ve really been so blind! I was literally covering my eyes, willingly! I scoff, shaking my head in disbelief. This is what I get for being too trusting for my own good.

I’m about to tell him off, when he starts correcting himself. “As friends, of course. I know you’re taken. I just thought it would be fun if we went together,” he tries to save himself, but it’s too late. He’s painted the picture inside my head already. He can’t unpaint it now.

“No, it wouldn’t be fun. It would send you the wrong message and everyone else for that matter. If I go to the ball at all, I’ll be going with my best friend,” I turn him down, wanting him to realize that he can’t just invite me to the dances and think I’ll be thrilled.

He seems confused, like he has no idea what he did wrong. I check the time. I still need to work with him for another hour. And he’s supposed to drive me home! I pretend to bend over to pick up a piece of paper on the other side, sending a pleading gaze to where my best friend is hopefully hiding.

I really need her help. I need her to come hopping by like an Easter bunny or else I’m going to run away, screaming. Very soon. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just thought we’d both have a dance partner and all that,” Jackson still doesn’t quit.

I widen my eyes at that hiding spot in panic, before forcing myself to go back to normal before I straighten up and look at him. I try to look as polite as I can, as I tell him: “No, thank you.”

Something crosses his face. Something that I don’t like at all. But before I’m able to put my finger on what that is, he already continues his persuasion, putting a cheeky smile on his face. He tilts his head. “Oh, come on. It’s not like I’m trying to steal you away from your guy. It’s just a school dance, what’s the big deal?” he wants to know.

I stare at him, trying to figure out if I’m speaking Korean all of a sudden. Anyway, this is getting completely out of hand. I said no. Twice, I think. I let out a long breath, not knowing how else to put it. “I’m sorry, Jackson, but I really don’t want to go with you,” I tell him a little more sharply than I intended to.

He raises his hands in defense, like he didn’t do anything wrong. “Woah, okay. Chill. I was just making a suggestion,” he tries to gaslight me, but I’m not having it. Not anymore. I frown at his words, shaking my head.

“No. You were trying to force me to change my mind. Why?” I ask, wanting to know what is going through his head. It’s not like I don’t already suspect it, along with everyone else, but I really want to hear it from him. I wonder if he has the balls to say it out loud.

“I was … I just tried to … I have no one else to ask and I thought you were the safest option, since we were friends,” he tells me, almost making me scoff. Yeah, right. Okay, I can read him now. Finally. His face says: full of bullshit.

I don’t react to his words in a drastic way, despite realizing that he’s full of s**t. I cross my arms against my chest instead, staring at him calmly. “Okay, now that you know I’m not interested, you can ask someone else,” I suggest.

He grows quiet, scratching the back of his neck. “Yeah, I … I don’t know who to ask,” he admits, almost making me roll my eyes. At least half the school is available.

“You can try Cassie,” I suggest, making him do a weird reaction. Oh, wait. Is he actually into Cassie and he’s just hanging out with me to make her notice him? Is that what this is all about? Perrie, don’t be stupid. He’s clearly trying to come up with a lie.

He scratches the tip of his nose, before shoving his hands back into his pockets. “Cassie is … I don’t know. She doesn’t seem interested,” he simply says, making me raise my eyebrows.

“You never know until you try,” I remark, desperately wanting my best friend to get the clue and finally get here, before I fall over the stall. I’m already dangerously close to the edge, because Jackson doesn’t seem to know the meaning of personal space.

“I don’t know … Are you sure you won’t change your mind?” he asks, making my face fall. He can’t be for real. I said no multiple times already, do I also need to draw it on my forehead?! I’m about to respond, when I suddenly hear someone asking for cookies.

I turn towards the person, serving the elderly woman with a smile on my face. But I know it contains a hint of fear. Jackson stands behind me, I can almost feel his presence. He’s too close. I really don’t want to know what’s going through his head, but I swear to God, if he tries something, I will-

“Hey, bestie! Are you feeling cold?” a voice suddenly interrupts my thoughts, just as I return the money to the old lady. I turn my head to the side, pure relief washing over my face as I come eye to eye with Leslie. She’s holding one steaming paper cup of tea, and I finally feel safe again.

“Hey, how did you know? You were literally sent from heaven!” I let her know, emphasizing the meaning of my words by widening my eyes in a panicky way. I hope she’ll realize that I need saving.

“Lucky guess,” she tells me, then looks at Jackson in an almost wary way. “Sorry, I would’ve brought one for you too, but it completely slipped my mind that you’re working together today,” she apologizes, almost taking Jackson aback. I can see it as I look over my shoulder and he blinks in surprise.

“Oh, no biggie. I’m not really cold anyway,” he assures her. She nods in a polite way, like she’s simply trying to be civil with him. Then, she turns back towards me, clapping her hands together in excitement.

“When does your shift end? I really need you to come to the mall with me,” she tells me, almost making me cry out in relief. She got it. She got my hint. Oh, I love this girl with all of my heart.

I pretend to be surprised in front of Jackson, though. “Oh! Uh … Not for another hour. Is it urgent? Do we have to go today?” I say, making sure to sound tired. But as I widen my eyes at her in a meaningful way, I encourage her to continue.

She gets the message clearly, because she pouts in a pleading way, grabbing my hand over the stand. “Please. I’ll do anything. I’ll even help you two out, if you want,” she tells me. I pretend to be hesitant, while letting my face light up for only her to see. It’s a good thing Jackson doesn’t see it, because I’m showing my back to him.

“Oh, I don’t know … It’s not really crowded today …” I trail off, turning around to send him my best conflicted expression. “What do you think? Would you mind Leslie staying with us until the end of the shift? I guess I won’t get to go home so soon today after all,” I address him.

He seems to be pressed into a corner, with both of us staring at him like that. Almost like we’re daring him to say no. He shrugs and shakes his head at the same time, saying: “No, I wouldn’t mind. She’s a Spartan, too, she’s welcome to stay.”

I clap my hands excitedly, thanking him before inviting Leslie behind the stand. Thank God. I feel like she truly saved my life with this right now. We keep talking for the entire hour, while Jackson barely says a word.

When the shift is over, we all clean up and lock the cookies away, then try to say goodbye to Jackson. I said try, because he almost chases after us, and it makes us quicken our step. Especially as he calls out: “Have you truly made up your mind?”

I freeze, then quickly look over my shoulder, making sure that I look extremely pissed off. “Yeah, I said no, Jackson!” I tell him off, finally making him stop in his tracks and stare after us, looking like a lost puppy.

I turn back around, almost starting to run and drag my bestie with me. I can tell that the wheels inside her head are spinning after that exchange. I can see it in her eyes. But she doesn’t quite get it. Or she at least isn’t sure she does.

“Perrie, what did he want from you?” she asks only as she turns her head over her shoulder and realizes that we’re clear. He’s not following us anymore. In that moment, my façade breaks and I start trembling.

I tell her what he asked me and how he basically tried to gaslight me into saying yes. She’s so shaken that she can’t say anything. She simply wraps her arms around me and holds me close, while my body’s shaking inside her embrace.

“Oh my God,” she breathes out after a while. After finally coming to her senses. “It’s a good thing we came up with this stupid plan, I don’t want to think about what could’ve happened, if I wasn’t there. If I didn’t realize you needed a way to escape him, so he wouldn’t drive you home!” she panics, making me feel even worse.

“Not helping, Les,” I mumble into her shoulder, inhaling in a panicky way. She rubs my back in a comforting way, murmuring an apology.

“Sorry,” she tells me, hesitating for a moment before she continues. “Do you … Do you want to see the pictures now?” she wonders in a gentle tone. I freeze, pulling away enough so I can meet her gaze.

“Did you take them?” I want to know, making her nod. I stare at her for a moment, then let out a long breath. “Yeah. What the hell, it’s why you came here in the first place,” I agree, patiently waiting for her to take her phone out.

As she opens the gallery, she clicks on the first one and hands it to me. As I inspect the look on his face, I freeze. I’m just serving a customer. And he’s standing behind me, openly checking me out. In the next one, he’s staring at my ass, smirking!

I lower the phone to exchange a look with my best friend. “I can’t believe this dude! How could I’ve been so blind?!” I squeal in a panicky way, not waiting for her to answer me.

I continue scrolling through the photos, each one horrifying me more. He basically looks at me like I’m a piece of meat, whenever I’m not turned with my face towards him! And it becomes even worse as I come across a picture where he’s straight up leaning into me, with his eyes half-closed, while I’m sorting out boxes.

“What the f**k?!” I squeal again, making Leslie grab the phone and take it from me. I send her a panicky gaze, while she stares at me in a solemn way.

“Okay, you believe me. Can we please ditch him now? If I have to see him staring at you like that at our table, during lunch, I’m going to splash a milkshake into his face. I mean it,” she tells me in the most serious tone, while I feel like I’m hyperventilating.

“Yeah, you can do that, you can do anything, just please don’t let him near me again,” I practically beg her, making her nod.

“Don’t worry. I won’t.”