Dear Diary, I'm Completely Lost

Things Are Suddenly Clearing Up

My brother texts me the next day. We keep exchanging messages until lunch, actually. He keeps trying to ‘knock some sense into me’, as he likes to put it. I don’t need that, okay? I’m not an i***t. I’m exceptionally bright and I entered a writing competition. There.

I don’t know where my overconfidence is coming from. Anyway, I’m too busy texting my brother to realize that my best friend is still mad at me for letting Jack keep us company. I don’t communicate with him much either because, as I already said, my brother keeps me occupied.

He eventually gives up and lets me be, and I gladly put my phone away. My neck is starting to hurt from slouching over my phone. We sit together at lunch again. Leslie, Jackson and I. My best friend is less than thrilled about it.

She barely speaks to me afterwards and I decide not to push her. She’ll cool off soon enough. At least that’s what she usually does. I hope this time won’t be any different. I’d hate to be wrong right now.

It seems like everyone is keeping the fact that I’m hanging out with Jack from my boyfriend. Or maybe he’s waiting for me to tell him myself? I don’t dare to. I mean, what am I supposed to tell him?

Hey, baby, do you remember that guy you thought I was cheating on you with? He apologized and he wants to be my friend. Yeah, that would go really well. It would probably make him hop on the next flight to Oregon. Huh. Maybe I should tell him on Friday. That way he’d be here for the Winter Ball after all. Okay, Perrie, stop imagining scenarios. You have real life problems to deal with.

I can’t help but keep a close eye on Jack and his behavior. Now that literally everyone is telling me that they think he has hidden intentions, I can’t not doubt him. But every time I try to notice a hint of dishonesty, it’s not there. I mean … How can you tell that someone wants more from you than they’re letting on?

Once Leslie and I have an entire period for ourselves, she finally talks to me like she usually does. When Jack isn’t around. She almost has a crazy look in her eyes. No, scratch that, she seems desperate. “Perrie, please tell me you’re going to stop this nonsense soon.”

“What nonsense?” I ask immediately, making her sigh. I know she’s talking about letting Jackson hang out with us, but come on. I literally see nothing dishonest in his behavior!

“You know what nonsense. Jackson! Come on, it almost looks like you want to give him false hope!” she tells me, then grows serious as she leans in. “It is false hope, isn’t it?” she then adds, like she’s trying to make sure I haven’t had a change of heart.

“Seriously, that’s enough. I’m not giving anyone false hope, because I’m in love with Hunter! Besides, it’s not like he’s making gooey eyes at me, what are you all even seeing?” I want to know. Leslie lets out a long, frustrated breath.

“It’s just his whole vibe, I can’t explain it … He looks at you like he wants to eat you or something. Whenever you’re not looking at him, he’s just … I don’t know, the guy gives me the creeps, can you please stop hanging out with him?” she babbles unconnectedly, making me roll my eyes.

“He’s just the new kid, trying to make friends. Wouldn’t you want to do the same if you were in his shoes? And I don’t see the way he looks at me when I’m not looking! … Is it really that bad?” I want to know, hesitating for a moment before I voice my question.

My best friend widens her eyes like she’s trying to emphasize her answer. “Yes!” she declares, then swallows nervously. “Honestly, him being into you is the least of my concerns. What is he’s planning your murder?” she then blurts out, making my face fall.

Then, out of an unknown reason, I start laughing my ass off. She stares at me with an unimpressed expression on her face, while I can’t stop clutching at my stomach, doubling over with laughter. Oh, this is ridiculous.

“Seriously, I’m glad you’re taking my concern this well,” she remarks dryly, while I start wiping tears from my eyes. I can’t believe she said that with a straight face. Oh my God. Suddenly, her lips curl up as well, because she clearly can’t stay serious with how hard I’m laughing.

“You’re hilarious,” I let her know after I finally manage to calm down a little. “It’s a good thing you didn’t say that he’s a damn vampire,” I continue, shaking my head in disbelief. She sighs in response.

“Not that it’s impossible, he’s strange enough for sure,” she remarks, making me giggle again. “But he does give off major Nigel Berbrooke vibes, you can’t deny that. Not after what I’ve just told you,” she then continues in a little more serious way again.

I suddenly don’t feel like laughing anymore. I sigh, nodding slowly as I turn my head to look at her again. We’re so lucky that we’re in art class. “Yeah. You’re not wrong there. The thing is, he always seems normal, when I’m looking,” I express my frustration.

My best friend thinks for a moment, then shrugs. “I have literally no idea how else to show you. Do I take a photo of him, or what?” she wonders, making me turn towards her, nodding frantically. She sends me a look. “Uh, no. Kidding. It was a joke.”

“Please. I was wary about this guy since the beginning, I don’t know when or how he managed to even convince me that he’s trustworthy. Will you do that for me?” I practically beg her? She seems to be contemplating my words for quite some time, before finally nodding.

I smile, hugging her tightly. “Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You’re the best friend ever,” I let her know, but she quickly grounds me as we pull apart.

“Yeah, yeah. Thank me once I actually manage to snap a picture. I can’t promise you when I’ll actually manage to pull that off without him noticing. But I’ll try my best,” she assures me.

“That’s all I need,” I say, smiling at her. I still have this feeling of uneasiness, stirring up inside me. Then, I remember something, realizing it could help Leslie. “Actually, you know what? Come to the Winter Festival tomorrow. I’m working the stand with Jackson,” I reveal, making her face fall.

“Excuse me? Are you for real right now? … Please don’t tell me you were working with him yesterday as well. Perrie … Come on,” she protests, making me send her a sheepish look. I tell her that it was no big deal. I let out the part where he offered me a ride home.

Then, I come up with a plan and explain it to her. She doesn’t seem thrilled, but she goes along with it. For the sake of helping me open my eyes, as she later puts it. Yeah. I just hope I’ll be able to see it. If she’s creeped out … Then it surely must be bad.

We pretend like we didn’t just make a deal when Jackson comes around. I act normal, as much as I can. And Leslie still acts like she’s mad at me. We keep up our appearances great, in fact. But I’m kind of nervous about tomorrow.

Wednesday drags on forever. I almost dread going to the festival, because … Well, I didn’t think it through, but Jack offered me a ride there as well. I can see my best friend widening her eyes in a warning way as she overhears him say it, but I have no other choice than to say yes.

I mean, I already agreed he could drive me home today, what excuse am I supposed to come up with for not taking a ride with him there? Her caramel complexion looks really pale after I nod my head and force a smile on my face.

I’m not going to lie, with the way everyone’s acting, I’m almost becoming wary too. What if they’re right about him? I’m suddenly super aware of every thing he says and the way he says it. I almost panic as I realize how tiny his car is on the inside. We’re almost bumping elbows.

I lean on the door, refusing to touch him. I try not to hyperventilate, because I know I’m only panicking because my whole family told me that Jackson is bad news. But is he really? I guess I’ll have to wait for Leslie to take those photos. If I see one creepy look from him … That’s it. I’m telling him we can’t be friends. I’ll come up with some excuse. I’m good at that.

Anyway, he acts normal as we start putting up the stand. It’s all good, we exchange a few words, and I try not to look into the direction where I know my best friend is going to hide to take those photos. I’m so nervous. I hope she won’t give herself away. I’m not sure I’m up for distracting Jackson.

We start serving customers pretty soon. The festival is a little more crowded than it was on Monday. Which is a good thing. It doesn’t leave me much time to think. And I’m grateful for that.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Jackson speaks up after the crowd in front of our stand finally disappears. I’m just putting the last few boxes back on display, nodding without really looking at him. I glance at the spot where Leslie is supposed to be hiding. You better be there, bestie. And you better be taking pictures right now.

“Uh … Yeah, sure. Ask away,” I respond, shoving my hands back into my pockets as I turn towards him. In that moment, I get a glimpse of his previous expression disappearing. And I realize no one is imagining things. Jackson is really … I don’t know, there’s something there. Something I don’t like.

“Are you going to the Winter Ball this Saturday?” he wants to know, using a completely innocent, friendly tone. One that I couldn’t possibly mistake for anything suggestive. Not if I didn’t catch a glimpse of that expression he had on his face earlier on.

I scratch the back of my neck, not sure how to tell him that I really don’t want to hang out with him there. “Yeah, I haven’t decided yet … With my boyfriend not being able to make it and all that,” I lie, hoping that he doesn’t see through me.

This time he’s the one, shoving his hands into his pockets in an awkward way. Like he suddenly doesn’t know what to do with them. “Oh, I … I just thought maybe we could go together,” he then suggests, making me freeze.