Dear Diary, I'm Completely Lost

Dear Diary, It’s been a while since I’ve written in here. I don’t know why I’m doing it now, really. I thought I didn’t need this anymore. But my brother is gone, and I need to find myself something to do. Maybe I should get a new hobby, instead of doing this. Okay, Dr. Collins wouldn’t agree. She’d say that writing down my emotions is a good thing. It’s my coping mechanism. Yeah, because it worked so well the last time. I close the notebook, shaking my head at myself. What am I even doing? I should be dealing with the ton of homework that I got today. And they say senior year of high school is the best time of your life. Yeah, right. Whoever said that, probably had to go through it twice, because they clearly weren’t there for the all the studying first time round. We’re loaded with so much work that it’s driving me insane already. We’re listening about college in every class, during every break, I think even the corners are already hissing at us to consider college. College, college, college, ugh! Like I needed an everyday reminder, that Hunter isn’t sitting in a nearby classroom! Neither is my brother. Aiden had to leave on a Thursday, which is why mom and dad drove him to California alone. It’s a fifteen-hour drive to one side and they had to take two days off at work for it. I couldn’t go, of course. Having school to attend and all that. A bummer, really, I would’ve loved to see LA. Even if it just meant a college campus. Anyway, this has left me completely alone in the house. Mom didn’t load me with a ton of housework, but she did leave a note with instructions, just in case. Like I’m ten years old. She feels bad for leaving me behind, I know. But I can take care of myself. At least in physical terms. You know. Making myself food and all that. But in mental terms? Ha. Ha-ha. Don’t even get me started on that. I’m still not used to Hunter living on the other side of the continent, and now my brother is gone, too. I’ve hugged him goodbye yesterday afternoon, before they left. Leslie wasn’t there. They agreed that it would be too difficult for both of them and decided to say their goodbyes in private, the day before. I cried like a baby. The worst part is, it became even more painful when I watched them drive away. I had no one to hold me, like when we were driving back home from the airport at Hunter’s departure. My brother held me in those moments. And yesterday, no one was left to do that anymore. I barely fell asleep, almost ran late for school and now here I am, sitting on my bed in the afternoon, feeling all groggy and sad. I really need to get some food into my system, but I’m not even in the mood to get downstairs. Maybe I’ll order a pizza. Maybe I won’t. Sighing, I check the time. Hunter won’t be calling for another two hours. I better make the best of that time. I don’t want to work late into the night. I order a pizza, then sit behind the desk, deciding to work on algebra first. If I leave it for the end, I’ll never finish the assignment. Best get it over with. I could really use some help right now. I already mean to text Leslie, then realize it’s probably best to leave her alone. She wasn’t in the best mood today. And I get it completely. Putting the phone away, I sigh. I never realized how utterly miserable being alone could be. When I was a kid, all I wished for is for me to be alone. At least for one afternoon. But it never happened. Now that I’m eighteen, all I wish is for my loved ones to be around me. Funny, how things change, huh? I barely get through a third of my homework, when I hear the doorbell ringing. Must be the delivery guy. Finally. I’m starving. Ten minutes later, I’m sitting behind my desk again, munching on the next pizza slice, while doing homework. Hey, no judging. My parents aren’t at home, at least I can rebel a little. To think that most teenagers would already throw a house party for their peers, while I’m sitting here all alone, eating pizza and doing homework … Pathetic, Perrie. Pathetic. You’re a disgrace to your whole generation. I wipe my hands into paper towels that I brought from the kitchen. I really don’t want to get grease all over my homework. I’m sure the teachers would refuse to take it in because of it. I might be miserable, but I’m not trying to sabotage my senior year. Especially not if I want to get into Yale. Hunter has been telling me about his college a lot. He loves it there. And I’m super glad he does, but it makes me hold back and not tell him how much I miss him. I don’t want to make things even more difficult for him. And I know it’s difficult. I can tell by the way he seems slightly lost whenever he’s waiting for me to accept the call, before his face lights up at sight of me. I don’t tell him that I have trouble sleeping. I don’t tell him anything about my problems at all. I just listen to him. He has a roommate from Europe. I think he’s Greek or something like that. His name begins with an S? S … Stavros, right. He got in Yale on a scolarship. The dude is basically a genius in biomedical studies. Yeah, he’ll be picking the same major as Hunter. Stavros is also super chill and extremely polite. He always excuses himself to go to the kitchen for an evening snack, whenever Hunter calls me. So we can have some privacy. I’m really just trying to get thorugh this last week before we fly to Connecticut. I can barely wait to see Hunter. He’s already telling me everything that we’ll be able to do during the Family Weekend and how he’ll be able to show me around the campus. I can tell that he’s secretly hoping I’d love it so much there, that I’d join him the next year. I haven’t told him that this has actually been my plan ever since I told him that he needs to go to his dream school. It’s not like I have one. I’ve never considered picking a college to be the most important thing in my life. I just want to go somewhere, where I’ll be able to study creative writing. I want to be a writer, that’s the only thing that I’m sure of. Whether I graduate from an Ivy League or a community college was never important to me. Now that I’m with Hunter, I just want to be close to him. It’s the only time that I’ve even considered trying to get into an Ivy League. So, I’m trying to do everything this year. As much as I can to have my college application shine like the brightest star. I’m just finishing my biology homework, when my phone starts ringing. I pick it up in a nanosecond and throw myself on the bed as I answer it. “Hey there, Adams,” I greet my boyfriend in a flirty way, my face lighting up as I see his face on the screen. He smiles at me, while I bite my lower lip, shamelessly gawking at him. He’s shirtless. Oh my God. Why is he doing this to me? “Hey, baby,” he greets me back, sending me a wink. He’s practically glowing and I love the fact that it’s my fault. “How are you?” I ask, as I lean my head on my hand. He does this motion, where he combines shrugging and shaking his head. “I’ll be much better next week,” he remarks, hinting at the Family Weekend that is taking place at Yale. I giggle like a little girl. “Yeah? Why is that?” I wonder in a seemingly innocent tone, making him smirk. He knows the same thing is going through our heads. “No reason,” he decides to tease me, making my face fall. He chuckles at my reaction, then turns his head away from the camera as his roommate speaks up. “I need a snack, Hunter, I’ll be right back,” I hear Stavros’s voice coming from somewhere near the phone, seeing my boyfriend nod at him in a reassuring way. The moment the doors close, I put the phone down, so Hunter is met with complete darkness. Then, I start taking my shirt off. “Hey, Perrie, where did you go?” I can hear his confused voice, coming from the phone. As I put myself in the same position that I was before, you know, half lying in a sexy way, I pick up my phone again, letting him see me in nothing but my bra. He breathes in slowly, then lets out a helpless grunt. “Why are you doing this to me?” he wants to know, his hand resting dangerously low on his abdomen. “To make the wait a little more bareable,” I answer, letting down my hair to play with it. He shifts uncomfortably, making me smile. “What’s the matter? Did I cause a situation?” I wonder innocently. He shakes his head in disbelief, but he’s smiling at me. “You better watch out that I don’t cause a situation when you get here,” he murmurs suggestively, making me gasp, pretending to be shocked. “In front of my parents? You wouldn’t dare,” I remark, smiling devilishly. He smirks in response. “Your parents won’t be around all the time, while you … You’ll be sleeping in my dormroom,” he reveals, making my jaw drop. Oh my God. “Really?” I ask, having to sit up in bed from the surprise. He nods, smirking. Then, he tucks his finger behind the hem of his boxers, playfully sliding it back and forth, making me lose my mind at the view. “Oh, yes. I’m not letting you off this easily.”