Dear Diary, I'm Completely Lost

Rejection Hurts Like A B*tch

Dear Diary,

I’m not used to things, going my way. I’m really not. But for once, I just thought the universe would come towards me. Just this once. I guess it was too much to ask. Everything is hopeless now.

I guess I’ll just go along with it. Do I really have any other choice? I bawled my eyes out, now it’s time to get back to hanging out with everyone. While they’re still here. My boyfriend and my brother are leaving soon. I have to keep that in mind.

Oh, grandpa. I wish you were here to tell me what to do. I hope you’re in a better place than I am right now.

I keep thinking about what grandma told me. For the entire holidays, really. After Thanksgiving dinner, we’re all hanging out in the living room, shortening our time with board games. It’s all in good sports and we’re having a lot of fun. Almost too much, really.

It’s too good to be true. That’s why it’s ending soon, right? You can’t live in eternal bliss, it’s unfair. There has to be a balance in the world. It’s only just for everyone to experience their ups and downs, or else there would be people who’d be happy all the time and people who’d be miserable all the time.

I don’t know why I’m being so philosophical, but it might have something to do with the fact that I won’t be seeing my boyfriend or my brother until the winter holidays. And I’m not sure how I’ll be coping with that. Especially with the upcoming Winter Ball.

Okay, it happens to be next weekend and I really want Hunter to come. I know Leslie wants my brother to be there as well. But I’m not sure how we’re going to achieve that they come back to a high school dance. It’s probably out of their league now that they’re college guys and all that. They’re too cool for high school. Oh, look, it rhymes!

When my parents and grandma get tired of our endless games, they move to the dining area to have their own conversations. I’m fine with that, because it gives me the chance to press on Hunter a little. You know, with my brother there, he might not turn me down immediately.

I tactically have his back in Monopoly. Yeah, it’s difficult, yeah I’m not proud of myself for doing that. But I have to try somehow. I might even succeed, who knows?

Anyways, I send Leslie a meaningful look before I start talking, but she has no clue what I’m trying to tell her with that gaze. She’ll figure it out soon enough, it doesn’t matter. I turn to Hunter, putting my arms around him in a loving way.

“What are you doing next weekend?” I wonder innocently, hoping that he doesn’t reply in a joking matter, like he often does. It turns out I know him all too well, because his answer almost makes me roll my eyes, because he can’t be serious once for change.

“Making angels in mud, so I can pretend that winter is coming,” he jokes, making Aiden snort and fist-bump him. Boys. I share another look with my best friend, not commenting on their immature behavior.

This time I can see that she knows exactly where I’m going with this. I only had to mention next weekend. She quickly put one and one together because she knows the ball is coming. “Okay, what if I give you a suggestion of what you could do? Or what we could be doing together?” I wonder in an innocent tone.

Hunter looks at me, a little confused by my choice of words. He completely loses his focus on the game, making my brother grin as he takes a house from Glacier Park. Which Hunter already bought. I’m too invested in what my boyfriend is going to say to accuse my brother of cheating. “I’m not in Hillsboro next weekend, Perrie.”

I bat my eyelashes hopefully, noticing with the side of my eye that Leslie smacked Aiden on his fingers and put the house back on Hunter’s property. I almost smile at the scene. Almost. I open my mouth, finally telling him what’s on my mind. “Well, the Winter Ball is coming up next weekend, and I just thought you’d want to be my date.”

I watch his reaction with my eyes wide open, realizing that all my efforts were in vain when he takes a deep breath. “At this point, I think I should probably tell you that I’d love you to be my date,” Leslie suddenly says to my brother, who looks at her, stunned.

He probably didn’t realize that this is a group effort and sends me a pitiful gaze, while sending his girlfriend an apologetic one. Uh-oh. I can already tell where this is headed. I look back at Hunter, who clearly doesn’t know how to put his thoughts into words.

He places his hand over mine, breathing out slowly. “Look … I’d gladly come if I could … But I can’t afford to buy two plane tickets in a span of less than two weeks. I’m sorry. Besides, I have to study for finals,” he turns me down as gently as he can.

I nod in understanding, trying not to show how hurt I am. But I know that I probably can’t hide my feelings. I can tell by the look everyone else has on their faces. My brother turns towards Leslie with a deep sigh.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t promise you anything either. I’m supposed to be studying for finals, too,” he explains, making Leslie nod in understanding. She seems to be taking this much better than I am. Like she was already prepared to hear a no. But I wasn’t. Not really.

I guess a part of me just hoped that he’d be able to make it. I don’t know why I’m overreacting, it’s just one dance. It’s just my senior year Winter Ball, my last one ever. Not to mention that I turned Hunter down last year, because I went with Eric instead. Is this my karma?

“Perrie, are you okay?” I suddenly hear Hunter ask me, making me look up in panic. I get up abruptly, tearing my hands away from his. He looks worried. They all do. I nod, unconvincingly, forcing a really fake smile on my face. Faker than if I got plastic surgery.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I guess Leslie and I will just be gal pals. Uh … I have to go the bathroom, be right back,” I tell them, then scatter away before anyone’s able to stop me.

But I don’t go there. At least not immediately. I feel like an addict, looking for a fix, when I rush into the room Hunter and I are sleeping in, to grab my diary. I don’t know why I do it. I just need to let my emotions out somewhere.

Once I get to the bathroom, I sit on the toilet and let out the tears that I was holding back for the last couple of minutes. I don’t know what was I thinking. Or why I was giving myself false hope, when I knew Hunter would probably be too busy to come to a freaking school dance.

I open the notebook, scribing into it hastily through the tears. It makes me feel a tiny bit better, writing it all down. I hope no one comes looking for me. At least not any time soon. I need to make myself presentable.

But I have no such luck. There are too many people that care about me in this house. As I’m washing my face, trying to make the redness disappear from my eyes, someone knocks on the door. Oh, God. Please don’t let it be-

“Pez, baby, are you still in there?” my boyfriend’s voice travels through the door. I shut my eyes. I really didn’t want it to be Hunter. I could take Leslie or Aiden, or even my mom. But Hunter? No. Not after I just bawled my eyes out because he wouldn’t be my date to the Winter Ball. I mean, how do I face him after being so childish?!

“Yeah, I’ll be downstairs soon!” I let him know, before he barges in and finds me all messed up. I have to fix my face before I get out there. I have to use cold water, right? That’s what Nicole taught me.

He doesn’t respond again. I open the water in the sink again, flushing my face so many times that I can barely feel it from the coldness. It’s okay, at least I look better now. I sigh, lightly tapping my skin with a towel. If I rub it, I’ll only make the redness worse.

I grab the diary, not even thinking about the fact that Hunter was standing outside a couple of minutes ago. Or that he could still be there, for that matter. Because he is.

As soon as I open the door, holding the diary under my armpit, I flinch in surprise, because he’s standing out there, leaning against the wall with a frown on his face. He has his arms crossed against his chest as he stares at me, letting out a soft sigh.

“Have you been crying?” he wants to know. I shake my head immediately, to which he responds with a disapproving tilt of his head. He sends me a reprimanding gaze. “Don’t lie to me.”

I sigh, clutching the diary tightly under my armpit, like I’m trying to prevent him from wrestling me for it. He wouldn’t dare. He knows how much I value my privacy. He realizes that would be a big violation that I wouldn’t forgive so easily.

“I’m fine, just had to let it out,” I tell him, making his gaze soften. I look into the ground, ashamed that he caught me crying over a stupid dance. He cups my face, making me lift my eyes to look at him.

“I’m really sorry. If I could make it, I’d be there in a nanosecond,” he assures me, but I wave my hand in a dismissive way, shaking my head like I don’t care about it.

“No, it’s okay. It’s just a stupid dance anyway,” I mumble, not wanting him to know how much it means to me. He pulls his lips into a half-smile, shaking his head.

“You don’t really mean that,” he begins, clearing his throat. “The way I look at it, it’s the night where we kind of began … Before it was official and all that. I mean, if it wasn’t for liquid courage, you might’ve still been dating that douchebag,” he then continues, making me widen my eyes in horror.

“No way. You think I’d be blinding myself for that long?” I protest, making him send me a meaningful gaze. Right. Okay. I was doing it for two months. “Yeah, okay,” I mumble, falling under the pressure of his intense gaze. He chuckles, pulling me into an embrace.

“The point is, I’d love to be there with you, but I can’t. I hope you understand,” he murmurs into my hair, making me nod.

“I do. It’s okay, really. I just … I gave myself too much hope,” I admit, making him sigh. We stand there in silence for a few moments, enjoying each other’s presence.

Then, he suddenly speaks up, saying: “So … that means I don’t get to read your latest diary entry, then?”

I smack his chest in response, making him laugh in amusement. But it makes me realize that we’ll be fine, even if he doesn’t come to one dance with me. He’s on the other side of the continent, after all. I try not to think about the fact that I might not be joining him there next year.