Dear Diary, I'm Completely Lost

Grandma's Advice

Dear Diary,

I’ve missed Oak Grove. It’s my home away from home. And I can barely wait to tell grandma everything that’s going on in my life. She was so happy to see us all complete, coming to visit her. Leslie came with us as well.

We don’t have to stay in separate rooms now that we’re all adults. Which means Hunter and I have our room all to ourselves. That’s all I’m going to write in here. Keeping it PG13. In case anyone decides to feel curious.

Anyways, I’m going to ask Hunter what he’s doing the first weekend of December. I have no idea how we could possibly pull this off, but I really want him to be my date for the Winter Ball. I have no idea if I’ll manage to persuade him, but I don’t want to be there without him. It’s our thing.

This year, it will be the anniversary of him, officially turning my life upside down. But it turned out to be the right way, the way that it was supposed to be going. I can’t have him miss that, can I?

Those holidays are literally the best in my life. They’re literally blissful. We’re all together, hanging out without using much technology, just playing board games, baking, talking, laughing like crazy … It’s the best, really.

I spend most of the time practically glued to Hunter’s side. Wherever we are, whatever we’re doing, he has his arm safely wrapped around me, offering me the comfort of his embrace. It’s an overdose of dopamine.

My grandma is so happy to see us all together in one place and I’m grateful for still having her here amongst us. I ask her if my uncle and his family are coming, but they aren’t able to make it this year either. It’s a shame, but at least we’ll be seeing each other during the Christmas holidays. They always come somewhere around those days.

The night before Thanksgiving, Hunter and I are lying in bed, kissing. There’s literally nothing better we have to do with our time. Actually, this is the best way of using up the time that we have together.

I pull away, offering him a mischievous smile as an idea pops into my head. “Uh-oh. You look dangerous with that expression on your face. What did you just come up with?” he wonders, making me smirk in response.

I hop off the bed, putting my pajamas on. “I believe we have a tradition to uphold,” I inform him. He blinks in confusion, staring at me like I’ve finally lost it … But he finds it kind of cute. Yeah, having a crazy girlfriend must be adorable. Not.

He scratches his head, still confused as I don’t say a word to explain what I mean. “Okay, now would be the time to tell me what that tradition is,” he lets me know, while I sigh and place my hands against my hips.

“Seriously? You don’t have a clue?” I say, almost a little annoyed that he can’t figure out what I’m talking about. He leans on his arm, making me bite my lip as I see all those muscles flexing. Damn, my boyfriend is literally the hottest being in the universe.

“No, and if you keep standing there, looking like a snack, I’ll never come up with an idea,” he admits, shamelessly gawking at me, making me chuckle. I return to a normal position, making him sigh. “Okay, just tell me, please. I’m too tired to think,” he tells me.

“Tired from what? Drinking tea and playing board games the whole day?” I tease him, making him protest by crossing his arms against his chest.

“Hey, there were some really strategic ones. I had to use my brain. I do that a lot at Yale, you know?” he remarks in response, pretending to be offended. I chuckle and walk towards the bed, offering him both of my hands.

He takes them, but instead of letting me pull him up, he makes me fall on top of him, giggling like an i***t. “I was trying to make you come with me, what are you doing?” I squeal, while he smiles at me.

“Mm, you didn’t tell me that. Where are we going?” he asks, making me send him a meaningful look, before finally answering his question. I know he’s dying to know what this tradition is about.

“To the rooftop,” I respond in a quiet tone, making his smile grow even warmer, if it’s achievable. He nods after a few moments of just staring at my face lovingly.

“Okay. To the rooftop it is,” he agrees. He gets up with me still on top of him. Impressive. I sometimes struggle to even pick myself up. I knew I shouldn’t be dating an athlete. It makes me look useless next to him.

I take his hand and lead him outside through the window. As we sit down, like we’ve done so many times before, I lean onto his shoulder. He hugs me, holding me close. He’s wearing nothing but his pajama bottoms, while I’m fully dressed. But I’m still cold, even in my long-sleeved flannel pajamas.

“Aren’t you cold?” I wonder, but he feels steaming hot to touch. He shakes his head, pressing a kiss at the top of my head.

“Next to you? Never,” he shoots out without thinking much. I smack him playfully, feeling his chest vibrate beneath me as he chuckles in response.

We sit there, embraced, in complete silence. But my boyfriend, despite being one of the quieter guys, can’t be stopped when he has a talkative day. And today clearly happens to be one of those days, because he can’t keep his mouth shut to enjoy the moment.

“Just so we’re clear, we won’t be keeping that part of the tradition, where you cry into my arms, are we?” he remarks quietly, making me smack him again. But at the same time, I’m already laughing.

“You’re unbelievable,” I let him know, shaking my head at him. He smirks, probably about to be a smartass again, but decides against it. Instead, he looks at me, then pulls me onto his lap, leaving us exactly at eye level.

“I have a suggestion,” he begins, making me send him a questioning look. But it’s completely unnecessary, because he already continues without my silent encouragement. “We can exchange that part of the tradition for a new one,” he suggests.

“Yeah? And what would the new one be?” I wonder, making him smirk. He doesn’t say anything else, he simply pulls me tighter against him and kisses me slowly, but passionately. I clutch onto him for dear life, starting to shiver in the cold. But it’s not just the temperature that’s making me tremble.

As we pull apart, I look him in the eyes, watching the way they twinkle in the starlight. I run my hand through his curls, loving the way they jump back disobediently the moment my fingers move further. “I love you, Hunter,” I tell him, unable to hold the words for myself.

“I love you too, Perrie,” he whispers, his thumb brushing across my lower lip. I smirk as I realize what that means. This night might just get a little longer. We don’t stay out much longer, but as we’re heading back inside, we both have gigantic smiles written across our faces.

I help grandma out in the kitchen the next day. So does my mom and Leslie. Us women all hang out in one part of the house, while the men stick to the living room. From time to time, one of them shows up like they’re spying on us. It’s ridiculous and hilarious at the same time. Especially because they always steal some food whenever they come to the kitchen.

My grandma asks me and Leslie all sorts of things. She wants to know how our senior year is going, then drops the C-bomb. You know. College. What are we aiming for? Where do we want to spend the next four years of our lives?

I find myself glancing at Hunter in that moment. It’s a completely subconscious reaction, but it’s there. It lets her know that he’s a huge part of that decision. “Rose, honey, would you care to fetch some more cranberries? I’ve got them in the cellar,” grandma suddenly asks my mom.

Okay, here’s the part where I once again remind you people, that my mom is anything but stupid. But when it comes to her mother-in-law, she has immense respect for her. And she doesn’t question her choices or her requests. Like ever. “Of course,” she assures her, then sends me a meaningful gaze before leaving.

It’s like she’s trying to tell me to listen carefully. Huh. Perhaps she knows what grandma is about to tell the two of us? As soon as mom disappears, grandma glances between us with a friendly gaze.

“Listen to me, girls. I know that you love those boys and nothing is more beautiful than young love. But college is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. Pick one that truly resonates with you. Don’t make a decision that you might once regret. The last thing you want is to make a choice based on love. Of course, you need to consider it, but you don’t want to blame those boys in the future, for not going to that college that you wanted to attend,” she tells us.

I stare at my grandma in shock. I’d never expect her to say this. I mean, my grandma never went to college. She didn’t have the opportunity. Neither did grandpa. They met in this village and they stayed in it their whole lives. But now, as I’m watching my grandma, I’m starting to realize something. She would’ve loved to see more of the world, if she could.

“Thanks, grandma H. I’ll take your words into consideration,” Leslie tells her, absorbing her words like a sponge. But me? I glance at Hunter once again, unable to grasp the thought of being apart from him for another four years.

“Perrie, sweetheart?” she calls me, making me tear my gaze away from my boyfriend to look at her. She places her warm, wrinkled hand on my shoulder. “Trust me. If you want to be happy with him for a long time, you have to listen to your heart right now,” she reminds me.

I find myself nodding with a really heavy heart. I hate to admit it at this moment … But she might be right. I’ve already seen it when I visited Yale for Family Weekend. I don’t think I belong there. I do sense there’s a place for me somewhere out there. I don’t know where, but I’m starting to feel sure that it isn’t New Haven. No matter how much I’d want it to be.