More than Anything (English)

Chapter 4

Margaux

I have to spend fifteen minutes in the restroom after the encounter I had with Quinn. I had to keep myself together for fifteen minutes before I go back to my son and answer his questions.

Ever since I gave birth to him, I have never imagined a time that Quinn would see him. I have always thought that he wouldn’t care. And besides, my son and I were fine. He doesn’t need a father. He was fine with me alone. He loved me and I love him with my soul.

When I saw Quinn standing there, watching me and my son with a bandage on his head, I didn’t know what I would do. Or think. All I know is that I need to hide my son from him. We don’t need him. We don’t need a man like him.

I can be both Shawn’s mom and dad, that was everything I was thinking all these years. I can be any person Shawn would need. And I was.

For all the years my son has existed in this world, he never looked for a father. He was not asking me where his father is. Even though I know that he is feeling a little jealousy whenever he sees his playmates with their fathers, he never asked me about his. He’d just keep telling me how much he loves me and everything would be alright.

We were fine. We were alright. We were living well.

I’ve never thought about Quinn seeing him. Quinn left me for another woman who he says he loves. If he knew he had a son, all his dreams for his beloved would go down the drain. Because what woman in her right mind would take a man who impregnated someone else?

And I was afraid that Quinn would turn out to be a bad father to Shawn. That was the motivation I had to not need to introduce Shawn to his demon of a father. I was afraid of what he could do to my son.

For that decision I made, I paid a lot of consequences.

My parents disowned me when they learned that I am pregnant. They were even angrier when they knew that I broke up with the man who impregnated me. They disowned me, calling me a disgrace to the family line.

Dad holds a huge chain of hotels while Mom holds a group of insurance companies under her slate. They have a reputation to uphold and what happened to me would just drag our family name down.

They didn’t really leave me alone because they bought me a condominium unit, provided me with a helper and a driver, and even supported me to continue my schooling. They gave me monetary funds for my son which I used for his educational plan.

When I finally got my specialization in Cardiology, I bought my son and me a bigger house. The monetary support from my parents is continuous but I am just investing them in different companies. I can provide for my son but if I’m given more then I wouldn’t hesitate to accept it for my son.

Except when it comes from Quinn.

I will accept all the money to be given to me. Just not from Quinn. I don’t want to owe him something. Even though I know that he’s one of the richest men in the Philippines and what he’s going to give me is only a penny for him, I will not accept anything.

I only have my pride when it comes to facing that bastard. He can keep his money while I keep my son.

When I finished fixing myself in the restroom, I immediately rushed towards my son’s side. He was already sleeping while Mela is looking after him.

“I think he already got tired, Ma’am?” Mela said while giving me space to stay beside my son.

I held Shawn’s face and smiled. No one can take my son away from me. I would f*****g stand up and fight whoever comes and takes him away from me, especially his father. I will not let him touch my son, not even a strand of his soft hair.

I’d fight for my son. Whatever it takes.

“Margaux, we’ll transfer Shawn to his suite room,” Deonna said while there are nurses standing behind her.

I nodded and let the orderlies push my son’s bed to the elevator.

“Are you alright?” Deonna asked when we entered the room. I was done tucking Shawn to bed while Mela was busy fixing the food stocks on the mini-fridge.

I shook my head as I took my coat off.

Deonna tapped my shoulder. “Your son’s already good. The urine tests said it’s just UTI. I also checked for possible appendicitis but fortunately, it’s not. If you want, we can ask for an ultrasound.” She was trying to calm me down and I really appreciate it. But that’s not why I am not okay.

I smiled and shook my head. “I’m glad that Shawn’s fine but that is not my problem,” I told her.

Deonna has been there for me since our residency years. We just had different paths right after because we chose different specialization. But I have never been so grateful for a friend like Deonna.

“Then what?” she asked me while we sat on the couch of the room.

I bit my lip and hesitated for a moment. I can't recount the time that I opened up about Shawn’s father. I have never told her anything about Quinn. She never asked though. I think she respected my privacy. It was actually what I needed. Someone who would accept the situation as an existing nonconsequential instance.

“Shawn’s father,” I replied.

Deonna’s facial expression turned serious and worried at the same time. “You saw him?” she asked. “When?”

I took a deep breath. “A while ago. When I was gone for a while, I talked to him. He wanted me to introduce him to Shawn,” I explained.

Deonna didn’t speak. She was waiting for me to continue.

“I told him to back off. That we don’t need him now, or ever. That Shawn and I are going to thrive and be fine without him. But I think he’ll insist on seeing my son.” I closed my eyes. Just thinking about Quinn holding my son makes me cringe. I won’t f*****g let that happen.

“Don’t you think he might just be curious about your son?” Deonna asked.

This is what I like about her. She’s transparent. She is not the type who will just take sides without taking a clear look of the whole situation. She’ll give you honest opinions, comments, and suggestions. And that’s what I need now. I need to hear a third person’s point of view. A neutral comment. A neutral reaction.

“Can I trust him on that?” I asked. “What if I agree and then have him take my son away from me?”

Just the mere thought of my son taken away from me kills me. I would probably lose my mind if I lost my child. They can take everything away but my son. My son is my life. They can’t take him away from me.

“I don’t think Shawn would allow someone to take him away from you,” Deonna replied on a positive note. “Your son loves you so much. He never even asked for a dad all these years. I am so certain that he will not leave you ever.”

I bit my lip and paused to think.

“Come to think of it,” she began. “If the world was reversed, if men would get pregnant and did not tell you that you have a child with him, would you want to see your child, too?”

“Yes,” I replied in all honesty.

The child is mine too. I wasn’t the one who got pregnant but that is still my child.

And yes, I get Deonna’s point but I don’t think I can allow Quinn to see my son any time soon.

“See?” Deonna shrugged. “Maybe that’s what your ex is thinking right now.” She smiled. “If you were him, you’d feel the same, right?”

I sighed in defeat. “Yes.”

Deonna smiled. “I think there’s nothing wrong with him seeing Shawn. You can let him see Shawn before he makes some serious suits to get your child from you.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “What do you mean?”

She shrugged. “Luke has a new case recently. It’s about a woman fighting for the custody of her child that she left to her husband. I was just thinking about the possibility of your ex doing that too or if he could afford that.”

My whole world seemed to stop upon hearing that. That possibility hasn’t crossed my mind yet. Would Quinn go that far for our son? And what if he wins the case?

I’ll lose custody of my son forever.

Thinking about losing Shawn is already making me lose my mind. I feel like I am already getting so crazy. I can’t afford that to happen.

I looked at Deonna and she’s staring at me with concerned eyes. “So, do you think it’s better if I let him see my son?” I asked her.

I know what she’s trying to say. The problem is, I can’t find it in me to do it. Letting Quinn see Shawn gives him all the right to be back into our lives again.

“You’re not going to open up to him anyway. The only common denominator between the two of you is Shawn. You don’t need to see him, as well,” Deonna explained.

I still couldn’t speak. That doesn’t mean that I need to let Shawn see his father right away anyway.

“You don’t need to do it ahead anyway. You need to warm up to Shawn first,” Deonna said. “In the end, this is still your son’s decision. If he wanted to see his father or not…it’s your son’s decision.”

I blinked at Deonna’s words.

Then I realized that she’s right. If there’s someone who would get to decide about this, it’s my son, Shawn. It’s his identity that we’re building and we’re talking about. Not mine. Not his father’s. Nor my past with him.

“You should talk to Shawn first.” Deonna smiled before her phone rang inside her pocket. She waved the phone to me, letting me see that her boyfriend is calling.

I rolled my eyes and she laughed. “Gotta go!” she beamed as she kissed Shawn’s forehead before leaving the room.

I’m happy for Deonna. She’s found the man she wanted to be with for the rest of her life. It might have been hard for her to accept him but they went through everything and survived all the challenges that came.

But I’m not really jealous. I have my son with me. He’s enough for me. He’s enough for my happiness.

I walked over to my son and sat beside him on his bed. I caressed his cheek. I have always seen Quinn in his face. His nose, his lips, and his eyes. He got it all from his father.

When he learns that his father wants to see him, would he be happy? Would he want to see and meet his father? Would he want to meet the father he’s been longing to have even though he doesn’t tell me?

“Mommy…” I was so into thinking that I haven’t noticed that he’s finally awake.

I smiled at him. “Hi, baby. We’ll have to stay here for a few days, alright?” I told him and he nodded but then his eyes stared into mine.

“Are you crying?” he asked and I shook my head. He pouted and held my face, wiping the streaks of tears on my cheeks. “I don’t want you to cry, Mommy. I love you so much.” He beamed and that just made me cry even more.