Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 7

"Dear diary, I think I'm in love. For real. I now know I love him. I love Kevin! We shared a great night together last night... he was so careful with me. He really cares, deep down. I'm absolutely sure of it! He's just bad at showing it and talking about feelings. He likes me, he said that, and I ... I love him!”

I don't think I've ever had this many messages when I woke up. My friends have been very busy texting me apparently, it seems at least so given that I have over twenty messages. Almost all the messages are about the same thing, they wonder if I want to  do something. When I have not responded to their messages, it has instead become a witch hunt to try to get me to talk to them. They want to explain themselves and blah blah blah ... I get annoyed by reading the messages. Why can't they leave me alone?! I have nothing more to say to them ... not after they chose to believe that I would have invented everything that happened. This is not a diabolic plan of supremacy to take over the school right away. I do not ask much, except trust and respect from my friends. If they can't give me what little I need, it's better if they stay away from me. I don't need any more drama or trouble in my life. There is enough so that it is enough and will be over. My thoughts are interrupted by my phone vibrating in my hand.

"Hanna, please meet us at the cafe. Just for five minutes, let's explain. Please! I'm really begging you!”

It's Oliver who sent me the text. I'm sighing again. 

Is it worth it to expose myself to more pain by meeting those people who promised to be there but who betrayed when it came to?

I'll send a short message back and get dressed.

When I get to the café, they all sit there. They haven't noticed me yet. If I'm quiet enough, I might be able to pick up what they say. I quickly trip off against the wall I stood at a few days earlier. I both hear and see them perfectly from my hideout.

"I never meant for her to hear that herself and be sad," says Amanda and looks sad.

"Neither of us did"says André and looks just as sad.

"Hanna has enough problems as it is, it is obvious that she would be offended by the fact that you said as you did!" says Oliver and gives them an angry look.

"We just need to try to make her understand that we didn't mean anything bad.…"

I step out of my hideout and make myself seen in exactly the same way I did last time. They see me and they look a little worried.

"Hanna!" exclaims Oliver and runs forward to hug me. I give him a stiff hug back and sit down at the table with a grim face.

"I'm here, you have five minutes" I say hard and stare hard at them.

I can really feel how uncomfortable they feel under my gaze, the mood is tense and no one really dares to say anything right now when they have the opportunity.

"Okay, if there was nothing to say, I'll go" I'll say and get up.

"No! I'm Sorry ..."  Amanda says and looks worried.

"We just wanted to say that we're sorry Hanna, we should never have doubted that what you said was true. Real friends trust each other and we let you down when we didn't listen to you, " Dennis says.

"This is the first and last time we will do this to you, we promise!" says Patrik and looks shamelessly down the floor.

" If there's anything we can…"

"It's already too late" I say hard and stare out, one by one.

Oliver gently touches my arm.

"Hanna we didn't mean.…"

"It's too late, Oliver! The second you decided to believe in someone other than your friend, you showed exactly where you stand. You did not believe in your friend whom you have known for many years and who never ever mistrusted you of anything. How the hell can you treat your friends like this?!"

I scream at them and it looks like Dennis is about to say something, I interrupt him abruptly and continue.

"Now you will hear exactly what I have done for you all these years, once and for all."

Oliver tries once again to touch my arm, I shrug it away angrily from him. I look right at Dennis and decide to start with him.

"When your parents split up, I was there without hesitation! You called me in the middle of the night and we talked until you felt better. I sat awake all night for you!"

I turn to André.

When you were taken for shoplifting at the local shop, I took the fall for it. I said it was me who had forced you to do it. I took all the s**t so you wouldn't get even more trouble than you already had."

I now turn to Patrik.

"I've always encouraged you to keep talking to Amanda and be there. I supported you in everything that pertained to her and gave you advice. Thanks to my help, you got your girl."

"You know, Amanda, you're my closest girlfriend, and I ran to you literally after Toto hurt you. I was about to get run over when I hurried to you and I just thought "cost whatever it cost" I'm going to my friend!"

"Hanna I don't think this is a good... " trying Oliver.

I finally turn to Oliver.

"And you Ollie, I've done everything since we were little. I could kill for you! When they bullied the s**t out of you in preschool, I stood up for you and helped you move forward."

My tears are now flowing down my cheeks. I get up and I look at them all.

"I did everything for you, and this is how you pay me back. I really thought you cared more. It's pretty obvious I was wrong. Now you will live with those consequences, I hope you realize what high price you chose to pay. You don't have me anymore."

I turn around and walk away slowly. I'll turn around one last time and look at them. Amanda's crying against Patrick's shoulder, and Oliver looks like he's gonna die. I'll take a deep breath and walk away. The tears sprout when I get out of the cafe, because I knew this was the last time I left.

I can no longer handle it. It's too much! Why can't I ever live like an ordinary teenager? Why can't I be normal? I feel all alone, small and insignificant. I could feel how my heart literally burst inside of seeing my friends today. I can't forgive them for it, it can't be done. How could I? It hurts so bad I don't know where to go. It gives me an anxiety I haven't felt since I was a kid. It was the same day that I found out that my dad was sick. That he probably wouldn't survive. I remember the anxiety sat down like a lump in my throat. I had a hard time breathing and my tears sprouted even then. However, it is not even possible to compare with how it feels right now. This feels worse, oddly enough. It's true, as they say, betrayal makes more evil than anything else. I'll do anything! Only this feeling disappears ... please, remove it!

"Please tell me you're home” I'll text Kevin and wait desperately for an answer. It didn't take long for him to answer..

"What happened? Are you okay?!”

"No, I'm not, I'm really not okay!”

"Where are you?”

"On the way home. I was gonna go down to the lake.”

"I'll meet you there.”

I'll hurry up and fall apart when I see him. He hurries up to me and holds me in his arms. I tell him the whole story of crying, beginning to end. He looks sad at me.

"What did I tell Hanna? They're not your real friends. You can't trust them. But you can trust me."

I hug him tight. I need him. I can't trust anyone but him. The best thing would be if I hung out with him when we can, him I can at least trust him to take care of me.

"What do you say we take a little walk before we go back?" he asks me.

I nod and we begin to walk towards the lake. We've come halfway around the lake when Kevin stops and pulls me in. He presses his lips against my mouth and presses me back against a tree trunk. I feel the warmth and vibrations of my whole body screaming " I want you!". He works fast and pulls down my pants ans panties. He's careful this time too, and I'm clinging to his shoulder. He keeps me in place with his body and the tree trunk behind me in support. He whispers in my ear:

”You are so beautiful Hanna, so beautiful...". 

I can feel him pulsating inside me and I realize he's close now. He's increasing the pace and I'm yelling at the sensation. We both breathe heavily and I see stars before my eyes. The world is spinning for me. Kevin breathes heavily and smiles at me. He gently pats my cheek and says;

"You the best Hanna!"

He kisses me and slowly lets me down on the ground. I pull up my pants and try to get right on my thoughts flying around. He likes you Hanna, you can tell. He likes the intimate contact, it makes your relationship stronger. He wants you with him, and you're gonna stay, you need him.

When I get home, my mother sits again at the kitchen table this time with a pile of paper in front of her. I sit opposite her and say;

"We need to talk, mom."

"Oh, now you want to talk" she says without looking up from the papers.

"Mom, Please."

She looks up from her papers and sighs. She leans towards the backrest of the chair and looks out the window.

"I'm sorry I didn't say anything Mom ... I should have…"

"I remember when I came home with you from the maternity ward", she interrupts me with.

"You were very small and wrinkled. You slept all the way home and made noises a few times only. I remember thinking you were the most beautiful little baby I've ever seen. I remember Johanna was really jealous of you. Jealous you were the new baby in the family. She was really mad at me that I brought you home. She never got over that, I think. She has always laid out all the problems that have happened to her on you. It's just as if she thinks that if you didn't exist, her problems would magically disappear. I'm really sorry, Hanna ... sorry she always put everything on you. It was always you who had to take the s**t out of her. I should've stopped it! You deserved more…"

I look right at her, shocked. I didn't know she felt this way at all. She continues;

"When ... when dad died, it was wrong. I let you take a lot more responsibility than I should have. I allowed it to go too far. Later when this with Johanna happened ... it was too much for me. That's when it became clear to me that I needed, no, need to protect you no matter what. That's also why I was sad that you didn't tell me what was going on at school. It's important for me to know that you're okay, no matter what you might like. You are my child and I will continue to be there for you. I love you and there is nothing in the whole wide world that will change it. Johanna left because she thought I took your side too much, even though it was never about it but rather about me thinking you were right in these situations that arose. I only have you left Hanna."

My mother's eyes are tearful and I hold her close to me.

"I'm not going anywhere." I'm almost whispering.

I didn't know mom felt this strong around things. We rarely talk about either dad or Johanna. I guess we have our reasons for that. Mom doesn't want to talk about dad because it's way too painful and I don't want to talk about Johanna because she's stupid. It will be easier if we avoid talking about them. My father is no longer there, and for me Johanna is already dead a long time ago. It's been a one-way contact in recent years where she called, texted and sent me letters. I ended up changing the phone number and making sure it wasn't listed anywhere. It will be much easier for me to be able to try to continue living my life as an ordinary teenager, even if it goes to hell by the way. It is rarely a good idea to include family problems in the batter as well. That's enough of what is, I still can't handle any more right now.