Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

"Dear diary, I no longer know how to handle everything that happens around me. It feels like everyone else is living there lives and feel good doing it. The worst part is when they look at me with their disgusting smiles. I know exactly what that look and that smile means; "aw, poor little girl".All those people who thinks they know how I feel, even though they have no idea how I really feel. I started smiling at people, it was easier than telling them how I really felt. I keep my mask on and it works for the time being, but it won't work for long. All this is happening while I slowly lose my personality, my life and myself in the darkness that constantly surronds me..." I put my diary down and looking out through the immense window. Autumn is here. I look at the yellow leafs slowly falling to the ground from the trees outside. The rain is pattering against the window. I shiver when I think about that I have to get out in this weather just to go to school. My thoughts is flying through my mind. When did I start to feel like this? Was it always there or did it come from nowhere? I wonder what people would believe if they knew about my demons, living inside my mind, where there never is any silence. Maybe I should... HANNA! I'm flying back to reality when I hear mom yelling from the kitchen. "Come on now, you are going to be late", mom says. I slowly begin to rise from my bed and walk out of my room. The stairs is making a cracking sound when I walk down.  "Why aren't you answering me when I've been calling your name several times?" mom asks and looks annoyed. We didn't have a very good relationship the last few years, not since dad died and everything changed. "I didn't hear you", I answered her. She sighs and gives me a tired look. "Maybe that's a sign that you should focus more on the real world instead of daydreaming. Because your bus is going to be here in ten minutes and I don't have time to drive you today". She points to the clock. "I'm done. I just need to grab my bag". "What about breakfast? You will not survive on just coffee until lunch, you know". I look at her with a tired and annoyed look. I put my shoes on. "I'll just buy something in the cafeteria, there's no need to worry. Stop nagging me!" I sound angrier then I intend to. She only means well and I know it. After all my problems I had with the food last year, I understand that she's worried. But I got out of all that, she doesn't have to watch me as a hawk everytime minute of every day like I couldn't take care of myself. She gives me a sad look. "Okay, if you say so..." She goes out through the door and closes it.  Damn... Just like I predicted, the cold outside is unbearable. The bus is late, again. It should have been here five minutes ago and if it's Gary who drives it today, it's going to be more than just five minutes late. I have taken this bus every morning and every afternoon for almost ten years, even though I could walk to school, it's not very far at all. I guess I'm lazy, or the fact that I would be late every single day if I didn't. The bus is here. "Good morning Hanna! You made it in time for the bus today too!" Gary says smiling and laughing. I smile at his bad joke and says: "That's more than I can say about you". "Yeah, but you know how it is! Always much to do!" I go and take a seat in the middle of the bus. In exactly fifteen minutes Oliver is going to be here, my best friend in the whole wide world. We have been best friends since kindergarten when I accidently threw a snowball in his face. Since that time, when I put a bandage at his cheek, he's been the Thelma to my Louise. The bus stops at the street right before Oliver's. The doors open and a guy I never had seen before get on. He's hot enough to make my whole body melt when he smiles at me and asks me something. He looks at me with question in his eyes, oh those green eyes. I shake my head and asks: "Sorry, what?" He's laughing with his whole beautiful face. "I was wondering if this seat was taken?" He points to the seat opposite of mine. "Not at all, take a seat". He sits down and looks at me closely. His stare makes me uncomfortable and I start fidgeting. Why is he looking at me like that?  Like he could read my mind he ask me: "Have we met before? It feels like I know you from somewhere". I look at him. "I don't really think so, because I don't recognize you at all". He laughs again. "Makes sense, I just moved here. Have you lived here for long?" I'm going to answer him when Emilia walks up to us. She gives me a pissed look before turning to the handsome stranger opposite of me with a big smile. "Hi! My name's Emilia and I just had to come here. Take a seat with us in the back! We're all very interested in getting to know you!" she says with her fake and overly happy voice. The handsome stranger is rising from his seat and looks at me. "Are you coming?" Emilia is glaring at me and says: "She's probably busy, her friend is going to get on the bus soon. They always sit together in the mornings." He's about to say something when Emilia is dragging him along with her. "Wow, who did you kill?" I hadn't noticed my best friend got on the bus and stood behind me, with a questioning look on his face. I smile to him and says: "No one... Yet!" "She looked so pissed that my guess would have been that you kicked her puppy or something." he sits down where Mr.Hottie sat before. "She's just the usual b***h she always is". "Yeah, but this time it felt like there was more to the story. Who was the guy she tried to mark as her own?" "I don't know his name. He just told me that he moved here recently". "I understand! She was mad at you for talking to a guy she has decided to own like some lap dog before she's even talked to him?" "Pretty much. I don't understand why she does that. What's the point? There's a lot of people on the bus, he asked if he could sit down and I said yes. Why is that such a big deal?" "Aw, you mean that you didn't take out all of your best assets and started to shake your booty?!" he says and rise to show the twerk movements. I laugh at him "Not everyone have your charm". "That's why it's time to get going. You're far behind, baby girl!" The bus stops and we rise to get off. I can see in the corner of my eye that Emilia is already clings to Mr.Hottie like her life depended on it. He smiles at her and laughs at something she says. I look at the ground. Of course he's not interested in you! No one is interested in you that way, you should know that by now. You have been placed in the friendzone more times than people have used your name. Guys like that are not interested in girls like you. What the hell are you thinking Hanna?! "Hello? Hanna?" I shake my head and come back to reality. "What? What is it?" "I guess that you have bought new shoe laces and are very dissappointed I didn't told you about your brilliance in this fantastic buy. Or you are thinking to much again. What now?" I sigh and look into his eyes. They are blue, almost iceblue. The color changes in different lights. He's really handsome, Oliver. "Nothing!" I say and put on my best fake smile. He studies my face closely before he nods and we start movin towards the school.  When we arrive at the school, my anxiety starts rising again. The corridor seems like it never will end and the walls slowly creep closer towards me. I have to calm down or I will have a panic attack and faint.  "Hi Hanna! Are you okay?" I turn around fast and almost trips over my english teacher, Mrs.Gold. "Hanna?" she says and looks worried. "What?" I ask her and gives her a confused look. "You seem to be a little confused, are you alright?" "I'm fine" I answer her avoiding her gaze. I look at my shoes instead. She doesn't look convinced. "I think it's time for you to meet with the counselor again, Hanna. This is starting to remind me of the last time..." "I'm fine!" I say a bit too fast. "I just slept bad, there's nothing to worry about". "I understand. But I want you to know that my door always is open for you if you ever need to talk" she says while walking away from me towards her classroom. "Thank you..." I whisper. And before I know it, it's time to head to class.  The time is really slow today. The clock is ticking slowly to half past eleven, that's when we have lunch. I look out through a rainy window. The raindrops is bouncing against the glass before slowly descending. I can hear someone whispering behind me and suddenly I have a folded note on my bench. I turn around to look for the one throwing it. Emilia is looking at me, obviously pissed, she is the one who wanted me to read this. I unfold it and starts reading. "Stay away from Kevin, he's mine, you got it?! Let him be or I will make the rest of this schoolyear a living hell for you!" I read the note confused over and over again without understanding it's contents. Who the hell is Kevin and when have I tried to take him away from her? The bell rings and I start to gather my things before I start walking to the cafeteria. I open my locker and take a good amount of time putting my books in a pile.  When I reach the cafeteria, I can see Amanda sitting at our usual table. "There you are! I just wondered where you were." She says and throws her red hair over her shoulder before she hugs me. "Where is everybody else?" I ask and look around. "Sarah is sick, André is probably behind the school smooching some slut and Dennis is at the dentist. Patrik and Oliver should appear anytime now". "Speak of the devil" Oliver says and sits down at our table opposite of me with Patrik at his side. "What's up babes?" "What's new?" Patrik asks while he's stuffing his mouth full of meatballs. "New and new, I'm pissed at Toto again" Amanda says with a frown. "What did the poor dude do now? Isn't it punishment enough to be in a relationship with you?" Patrik asks and laughs. Amanda throws a tomato slice at him and rolls her eyes. "He didn't show up last night as he promised! This is the forth time in two weeks that he do this!" She's almost screaming and bangs the table with her hand. "Toto" or Jacob, which is his real name is Amanda's boyfriend since a couple of months back. He's a couple of years older than us and goes to college. He's a nice guy, but there's a lot of rumors going around that he's on the bad side of the law. I worry for Amanda sometimes... "I just thinks that if he has to much to do that is more important than meeting his fabulous girlfriend, he can atleast send me a message! He could tell me that he will not make it, instead of me waiting for him for hours!" "Oh girl... You need to chill. He's older than us and probably has much things to do that we don't have to worry about since we're not that age yet" Oliver says and takes a swig of his milk. "That may be so, but I don't deserve to be treated like trash!" "Seriously Amanda, you need to take a deep breath. The poor guy needs time for himself. You are practically glued together. If you want this to last, listen to my advice... Give him space, guys like him are not interested in immature girls who can't take a no" Patrik says with a serious face. "So now you are sitting there, calling me immature? Can't I take a no?" Amanda asks and looks like she's going to rip his head off. Oh dear lord, he should not have said that! He's released hell on earth. He's going to die. It was nice knowing you Patrik! In this moment it looks like Patrik also understood what he just did at the exact same moment Oliver took a deep breath, terrified. He looks to scared to answer her question, that's answer enough for her and I swear that the sound of her palm smacking his chin made an echo through the whole cafeteria. "You're a real asshole sometimes, did you know that?" she yells and goes for the doors. There is a loud noise when she pushes the doors. "Dude... You are goint to regret that" Oliver says and pats Patrik at his back. "Yup" Patrik answers with a pop sound on the P. "Patrik, for real... When are you going to tell her the truth about how you feel about her?" I ask and look at him with empathy. "It's not that simple Hanna" he answers and looks at his lap. "It could be. It would save you both some time to stop bickering all the time, and don't get me started on us, your friends constantly headache. Believe me, this affects us to" I say and wink at him. "She has Toto" He whispers. "That's not a relationship that's goint to last forever and you know it. What I mean is that when all of this is breaking down, and believe me it will, it's you who has to be there for her and help her pick up the broken pieces. You care about her and you should remind her of that every day. Tell her that you love her, more than anything" Oliver says and looks at me. Patrik looks uncomfortable and looks hesitant at me before asking him: "What are you talking about?" Oliver looks at me, terrified. Like it's in that exact moment he understood what he had said out loud. He rises and starts walking to the doors. When he reaches the doors, he shouts over his shoulder: "Nevermind what I said, I was thinking about something else..." He opens the doors and walks away. "What the hell was that?!" I burst out to Patrik and he looks just as confused as me. "Uh, I actually don't know. He's been weird for a while now. In his thoughts, daydreaming more... I think he has problems with his mom" "What do you mean?" "Well, I know that they don't have a very good connection right now" "What? Why?" "I don't actually know. He told me that she tries to meddle in his life more than he allows and that she puts her nose where it doesn't belong. She's driving him nuts" I nod slowly. Why hasn't he told me anything? "Ten minutes left until english class, you up for a smoke?" "Sure" We walk slowly over the schoolyard and look at the other students around us. Everyone seems to be distracted today, it appears that they are not really "there" today. We arrive at our usual smoke spot behind the school and light one cigarette each. I inhale the smoke and look at the grey sky above us. I look at Patrik, he's watching the sky to and appears to be in his own little world, thinking. I lean against the wall and smile a little when I see a blue anemone next to me. I can feel a happiness inside me that haven't been there for a while. A happy reminder of all the beautiful things all around us, but also grief over the thought that we often forget to appreciate the things right in front of us. The rest of the day pass by fast. Suddenly, the bell rings. I just have one class left before I can go home, I don't have that class my the usual people. I have it with another group. I don't know anyone in this group, that's why you can understand my confusion when a shadow appears over my bench when I pack my things. I look up, straight into the most beutiful green eyes and a smiling face. "Hi, Hanna right? I asked around for your name because we forgot the introductions this morning" It's Mr.Hottie from this morning. "Hi" I say and give him a nerdy little wave. "Kevin" he says and stretch out his hand to me. I take his hand in mine and says: "Hanna" "Now when we are introduced to one another, maybe I can accompany on your way home?" Why does he want to be with me on my way home? We don't know each other. Besides, he wasn't very interested in me when Emilia appeared this morning. "Why?" "Why not?" Why am I hesitating? What can happen? Well, he could decide to put you in the friendzone when you've started to show interest. He can be messing with you and make you embarass yourself infront of the whole school. Or you may fall for him just in time for him to move and leave you, like everyone else. Take your pick, which scenario is the best for you today? "Okay, sure. I'll meet you outside in five minutes" "I'll see you" he says and smiles when he walks away.