Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 6

"Dear Diary, it has become like a field of war within me. My feelings and thoughts clash with each other time and time again. I have no rest to think or reason about anything. It happens too much at once! When I begin to believe that things have actually resolved, new problems arise. It never ends! I can't trust my friends, Kevin doesn't want to show up with me when someone sees and Emilia has decided to do everything she can to destroy ... how much longer can I take?”

Now my phone has vibrated five times, why doesn't he get it?!

"What is it?!" I scream to Oliver on the phone.

"Why are you so angry?"

"Because it's 7 am and you've woken me up several times now, can I never sleep?"

"I wouldn't have called you this early if it wasn't important, you know that. Have you checked the school network today?"

When the hell was I supposed to have time to do that? I'm asleep!"

"You should go in and check it out..."

"If this is another worthless meme, I don't know what I'm doing to you..."

I log in to the school page and see a notification that I have been tagged in several photos. I press the notification and see a photo album. I shake when I hold the phone. I drop it with a bang on the floor.

"Hanna? You still there?"

I can feel the tears running. Someone anonymous has tagged me in pictures from the locker room when I change, I'm almost naked in the photos. It must be Emilia, there's no one else who hates me enough to do something like this. I cry quietly and wrap my arms around myself.

"Hanna, I've texted everyone I know and they've reported the photos. They will be removed. André sits and tries to get the support now."

I quietly read the comments while Oliver keeps talking.

"f**k, I thought she'd be prettier naked…”

"What a disgusting bride!”

"f**k her, you could have imagined putting on, if I was drunk and blind!”

"Does she not realize herself how fat and disgusting she is?!”

I'll shut down the school page and cancel Oliver.

"Thanks for telling me. I have to go now."

"Are you ok?"

I'll hang up and crawl under the covers again. Tears don't stop running. The more I try to prevent them, the more comes. Anxiety is increasing. I can practically feel how my veins pulsate in my body. I get up out of bed, I suddenly feel trapped and choked. The thoughts begin to circulate. You're disgusting, ugly and fat! No wonder Kevin doesn't want others to see you with him. Even your friends don't want to be around you. You're so f*****g useless Hanna! Why don't you just take the last step and finish everything? The whole world would feel much better if you didn't exist!

I sit down on the bed and say quietly to myself;

"Stop, please stop.…"

But the thoughts continue.

Why don't you bring it out and do what you usually do? You know you want to. A slight incision over your wrist is no more. You've stood up for years because you've had something to fight for. Now you don't have it anymore! Take the step, you f*****g coward!

I can't hold it. I walk up to my closet and dig out the little box that I kept my razor blades in. I hesitate. Is it really worth it to get back to square one for this? DO IT!

I put an incision over the thigh and see how the blood pulsates out of my body, it will not be seen there. I do it again and again until it starts to feel better, the feeling is indescribable. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and embrace the pain. I feel the anxiety gradually subside. I open my eyes and look down on my bloody thigh. A small puddle of blood has accumulated on the floor. The thoughts are like blown away and when I sit there on the bed looking at the wounds, I just feel emptiness. I feel completely empty.

When I Patch My thigh and clean my floor, I go down to my mom in the kitchen. She sits at her favorite place with a cup of coffee in her hand and reads the newspaper. She is very beautiful, my mother. Although she is now over 40 years old, she is still asked to show identification when buying alcohol. She looks very youthful in her appearance. I'm standing there looking at her until she discovers me. She smiles at me.

"Good morning Hanna, there's coffee in the pot."

I'll take down a cup from the kitchen cabinet and fill it with hot coffee. I sit down at the table and start making a sandwich. I'm just about to take a bite when my thoughts come back. Are you really gonna eat that? You are already fat, you do not need to make it even worse! I'll put the sandwich on the table. Mom looks at me and says;

"Aren't you going to eat your sandwich?"

"I'm not hungry."

"You were obviously hungry just now."

"Now I'm not" I say and get up.

I run up the stairs and into my room. I throw on my training clothes and run down again. I put my headphones in and I walk out the door.

I stop when I get halfway around the lake. When I run, I don't think of anything. I only focus on moving forward. The air is cold. It starts to rain and I stand in the middle of the rain. I let out my tears as the rain flows on my cheeks. I take every strenght I have and continue to run, even though my body screams at me to stay. I push back until I get to where I started again. I checked the time, it had only taken me twenty-two minutes to run this part. It is three kilometers around the lake. I feel my lungs bursting, how my legs feel like celebrated, I can't take it anymore. I look down on my body, you are so fat and disgusting! I start running again and increase the pace even more than I had last lap. I won't let my thoughts win, not a chance!

My legs shake when I slowly get up the stairs. I'm about to fall over when I go into the bathroom to take a shower. The wounds on my thighs sting when the water bounces off the skin. I have missed the feeling of pain and can relax when I feel the thoughts disappear as the pain makes itself felt. When the pain begins to subside and the thoughts come back, I press hard on my wounds. The pain flashes through my body. I look with horror in the mirror through the shower cabin. Oh, no, not again! I am now again addicted to the pain…

"Why didn't you say anything?" asks Mom and looks accusatory at me.

"About what?" I ask and drink juice right out of the pack.

"Karin just called and told me you broke down at school yesterday."

"And?"

"Yes you must understand that this is not at all good!"

"I'm fine, it just got a little much with Emilia."

My mom looks hesitantly at me, there's no way she'll believe me.

"Anyway, I decided that you should stay home today."

"What, why?!"

 Because I say it! You obviously need to unwind and exhale for a while, she would ask someone Kevin to come over with your missed tasks later this afternoon."

"But…"

I shut up right away when I see her face. She rarely uses it against others, least of all me. It means ”dare not to question what I say if life is dear to you!'. I nod quietly. She goes out the front door and shouts over her shoulder:

"This is not the end of the discussion, we'll talk about this when I get home."

I'll sit down on the hall floor with my back against the wall. I wonder what mom will say later. The question is how much she knows? She doesn't know anything... or does she? Maybe a little ... but what if she knows more than I think? Oh my god she knows everything, run for life! Hanna, No! Now calm down. Think, what can Karin know about that she passed on to mom? Given that it seemed to me that Emilia was the angel of the world and the salvation of mankind because she did not want to sign up for assault, I guess she did not tell you anything. Then there are only two options. Either they don't know more than I flew in Emilia in the locker or someone told me about my mood swings in the last few weeks. The situation that is currently going on, it does not surprise me if any of my ”friends” told them. After all, I don't know if I can trust them... I want to be able to do it, but I'm not sure if I can.

The day rolls on slowly. I try to watch tv, read a book, clean my room... I'm trying to do just about anything to get the time to go. After all, it's tonight I'm going to Kevin's. After changing the channel once again and coming back to where I started, I give up and turn off the tv. maybe it's time to start writing my thoughts before the project ... I get up with a sigh and sit down at the kitchen table. I look towards the empty coffee maker and decide that my first mission is to make coffee. The paper's staring blank at me. I think briefly before I start writing down my thoughts that will have a great significance for my final grade in english.

I stretch out and watch the clock. Time has moved fast this time and I have now been sitting here for over an hour. The coffee fragrance spreads in the kitchen, I can feel how the coffee I had forgotten calling me. I pour a cup and go out the front. The area is quiet even today. I sit down in the chair and crawl under the warm blanket. I light a cigarette and look intensively at the smoke dancing in the wind. I wish sometimes I could be free, too. Be able to leave everything and everyone behind me, be able to start over somewhere else. It is wishful thinking, however, and I know this very well. I could never leave my mother alone. Or Kevin for that matter ... My thoughts are interrupted by my phone vibrating in my pocket. I pick it up from my pocket and smile when I see Kevin's name on the display.

"Hey, where are you?”

I'll answer him right away.

”Home.”

"Well, that explains why I haven't seen you all day ... What are you doing home?”

"Mom heard about by my tantrum at Emilia, I was ordered to stay home today.”

"Does this mean we won't see each other later?”

"Yes! Of course we do! Even a third World War couldn't keep me from you.”

"I really hope not that won't be needed, but it's good to know that I will see you later. I miss you Hanna…”

"I miss you too! Believe me, I could put up with Emilia's squabbling all day long, only it meant I'd see you once in the hallway…”

"Oh Hanna, you're special to me. I have to put my phone down now, Karin is heading for my direction and she doesn't look happy ... See you later!”

I lock the phone smiling and let out a satisfied sigh. He misses me, Kevin misses me! Maybe we have a future after all…

The rest of the hours until it's time to go home to Kevin quickly rolls past. I'll pick up another outfit that I throw on the bed. It doesn't feel right! None of these feels right ... I want something special. At the same time, I do not even know whether to wear something special, he did not say anything about it. As if Kevin can read thoughts my phone vibrates and shows a message from him:

"Well! Home now. Would just say that I forgot to mention that you do not need to think about anything. Put on what you want to put on and come here!”

I smile and put my phone down. Now that the press is gone, I choose to wear a pajamas. My short pajama pants with matching linen top with snob on will be perfect for a full evening with cuddles on the couch!

I knock on Kevin's front door and it opens almost instantly. Kevin looks at me pretty good starting from my feet up to my grinning face.

"Are you going to let me in? I'm freezing my ass off!"

He grins and lets me in.

I look around the living room which apparently is directly adjacent to the Hall. Kevin has lit candles and put out snacks for us. That's sweet. I feel two arms around me. I turn around to look directly at him. He squeezes my hips and kisses me. I interrupt the kiss and say;

"If we don't stop now, we'll never get started on the movie."

"You want to quit?" he asks and grins at me.

"You promised me a movie night" I say and smile back.

He's sighing. We sit down on the couch and I'll crawl next to him. He starts the movie and I lean my head against his shoulder. He puts his arm around me, I can hear his dull heartbeat. I put my hand on his thigh and hear how his heartbeat increases in pace. I smile a little for myself, I did not think that I had such power over him. The movie's been going on for a while now, but I can't focus. I look up at him and press my lips against his cheek. He immediately turns his eyes to me and kisses me. First on the mouth, then on the neck and last but not least on the clavicle. I don't know what happened, but within a minute, I'm out of clothes.

"Come on" he says, take my hand.

He puts me on the bed and kisses me over my body. He puts his hands on my hips and gently squeezes. His mouth moves up to my mouth again and I help him take off his shirt. He stands up and kicks his pants off with his underwear at the same time. He hurries back to me so quickly that the whole bed swings. I laugh and he kisses me again. I feel his smile at my mouth. I'm rolling over him in bed to keep me on top. He stares at me seriously and says:

"You're so beautiful Hanna!"

He gently touches my breasts and I feel a tingling all over my body. I bend down over him and again press my lips against his. Now it's his turn to roll me around until he's on top again. He kisses me on my neck and takes his hand between my legs. The feeling is amazing and thoughts start right away. He's amazing! I would do anything for him. He looks me right into the eyes and stares at me seriously as if he asks for permission. I raise my hips to him and move closer. He penetrates into me slowly and gently as if I were made of porcelain. We move in time, and when we're done, he's going to lie down on me sweaty. He breathes heavily and the only thing I think: never leave me you amazing man! Hold me tight and never let me ever go. He roll off me and lie down next to me. He puts out his arm as an indication that I can lie down there. I crawl close and put my head on his chest.

"What now?" I ask, carefully.

"You know I have Emilia. I can't just ignore my girlfriend Hanna!"

It favourable hurts my heart to hear this. The mood is officially ruined, it shows Kevin by getting up and starting to get dressed. I put on my underwear which is the only items of clothing available in the bedroom, the rest is in the living room. I'm following the shame of him back into the living room. He seems angry or at least annoyed that I brought up the future between us. Kevin picks up my scattered clothes and pushes them hard in my arms. I take on slowly and ask him:

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, I'm not mad Hanna. I'm just disappointed you don't think what we have is enough. You can't have it all, either you'll have to settle for what we have now or take me away completely."

"No!" I'm exclaiming. "I don't want to! That's not the way I meant it either. I was just wondering if it would change anything, if I was good enough or if it wasn't good for you…"

"Oh, My God, Hanna! You sound really sweet!"

He puts his hand on my cheek.

"Hanna, it was beautiful and it was good, okay? Don't think about it anymore."

I smile and lean against his hand.

"Unfortunately, I think it's time to finish the evening though. My dad will be home soon."

I'm nodding.

"OK. Maybe we can see each other tomorrow?"

"I'd love to."

He follows me to the door and gives me a quick kiss on his mouth. I jump down the stairs, walk the short distance to my front door and go in.

Mom's sitting at the kitchen table when I get in. She stares out of nowhere and seems completely inside her own world. She looks angry. At the same time, there is something else there too. A sadness, disappointment?

"Mom?"

She looks at me and she doesn't look happy. I lean towards the kitchen counter and patiently wait for her to start talking. She's sighing.

"Hanna, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because there was nothing to tell."

"Obviously there was!" she exclaims and knocks out with her arms in the air.

"It wasn't a big deal, Emilia got on my nerves and I got tired of her s**t. It's not harder than that!"

Mom closes her eyes and takes a deep breath to calm down.

"I'm disappointed in you Hanna" she says and opens her eyes.

I swallow hard and look down to the floor.

"I thought we had more trust in each other than this. I trusted you every time you said that everything was fine, because I honestly thought that you matured enough to know that if something is wrong, then I deserve to know it. I am your mother and I love you, I care about you! How can you not see it?"

Mom goes out of the kitchen and goes up the stairs into her bedroom. She slams in the door after her. 

Shit, not again…