Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 8

"Dear Diary, Today is a better day. It's Sunday and I've actually slept well for once. The sun shines outdoors and I can hear the birds chirp far away. This day may not be completely wrong anyway ... if I'm lucky! I dreamt of Kevin last night again, he promised me never to leave me and kept his word. What wouldn't I do for him?”

I dress up my white blouse I got last year's birthday present. It fits perfectly with my checkered skirt and black pantyhose, I decide to put them on. I look almost formal in my clothes. I smile at my reflection when I see that for once I do not have a ”bad hair day”. My hair tangles very easily, it's always been that way. I have very shiny hair naturally and it makes hairs not really want to work together but instead decides to group hug until it becomes a big lump that can not brush out without it feeling as if the head should fall off. I'm going out of the room and I'm going down to the kitchen. Mom sits on her usual chair with a cup of coffee in one hand and a bundle of work paper in the other. She looks up and smiles when she sees me.

"Hanna, you're so cute today. Is that the new blouse you got on your birthday?"

I'm smiling back.

"Yeah, it is. I felt today would be a good day."

Mom nods before she looks back at her work. I pour a cup of coffee and go out the front. I light my cigarette and sit on the stairs. I see Kevin sitting at the kitchen table with his dad in their kitchen through the window of the house opposite. He's looking my way. I wave and he does the same. Mom comes out on the porch and says;

"You have to quit smoking Hanna, it's not good for you."

"You smoke too!"

"Firstly, I am merely smokin when I'm partying, secondly, I am not only sixteen years old, and thirdly, you smoke too much," she says, and sits down next to me.

I only have a little left of my cigarette, she takes it from me and brings it to her lips.

"I thought you were the one who just smoked when it's a party". I say and smirk at her.

"Life is always a party if I have you next to me" she says and flashes while extinguishing the cigarette against the stairs.

"Is that him you like?" ask mom and nod at Kevin.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I say and look away.

She laughs loudly.

"Who are you trying to fool little girl? I'm your mother. I can read you in miles. You like him."

I sigh.

"Yeah, I like him okay?"

"Have you asked him on a date yet? Do kids still do that, by the way?"

"No, I haven't asked him and no it's not very much dated the way it used to be when you were a young mother."

"Why didn't you ask him? You're a sweet and kind girl, he must be crazy if he doesn't want to go out with you. You are a tough bride in luxury packaging!"

"Mom…"

I feel really embarrassed about what she just said.

"You should ask him."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I just can't. There will never be an opportunity."

Of course I knew we couldn't go out together. Because he has a girlfriend and I'm the” dirty " other woman who doesn't give a s**t about it. However, mom does not need to know about that…

"You will have the opportunity now" she says and grins.

"What do you mean?"

"He's coming this way."

I look up panicked and see Kevin standing across the street. Shit...Has he heard everything we've said? Please tell me he hasn't heard anything.…

"Hey, Hanna."

"Hi."

"Karina" says Mom withhands up against him. He takes it and introduces himself.

"I have some calls to make" says Mom and smiles before she turns around to go back in.

An embarrassing silence lies upon us.

"So ... a tough chick in luxury packaging" he says and grins big to me.

It looks like he's having a hard time stopping his laughter.

"Oh, no, you heard that.…"

He begins to laugh loudly and for a long time, I can not restrain myself, but begins to laugh too.

"I just came over to ask if I could take a cigarette out of you?"

"I thought you were a party smoker", I say and bring him a cigarette.

"Sometimes I want one even without a party. I usually have an emergency package at home for such moments, apparently they were out this time" he says, shrugging his shoulders. He leans forward and kisses me quickly on the mouth.

"Thanks for the smoke, Hanna!"

I'll look after him when he runs away to the bus stop. He rounds the neighbors big bushes that wells out towards the road and I can't see him anymore.

My school books are scattered across the kitchen table and I sigh frustrated. It's harder than I thought to write about bullying and relationships. I know that the point is that I should think independently, but at the same time it must be the facts behind the information I write down. I want to see this at a personal level how much bullying can harm other people, but also how relationships affect society. I wonder if Kevin has ever been bullied... I've never seen him be exposed to anything at school, on the other hand I don't know what happened where he lived before. Maybe that's why he moved ... Why did he actually move? What did he say on the first day of the bus? "Because I did something I shouldn't have done,” what does that mean? I could ask him that. However, it did not seem that he was particularly keen to talk about it further. I have to respect his privacy, if he wants to talk about it, he comes to me and brings it up. I can't help wondering if he's ever been in love, for real. If he did, that girl must have realized what a great luck she had that had to share her love with him. That he chose her to love and protect. Wait here a little... what the hell am I doing?! I should study, not sit and daydream about Kevin, again!

"You seem to have a lot on your mind."

I jump by her voice off even though I know it's just mom.

"I'm writing on the project."

"The one of bullying and relationships?"

I'm nodding again.

"What seems to be the problem?"

"The problem is, I don't know how to start. This is personal to me and I want to keep it personal. But every time I write about it, it sounds like a typical essay, which is the exact opposite of what I want."

"Does it help if we talk about it together?"

"How do you mean?"

"You can ask me questions about the topic that might inspire you to make your own spin of it. It can be as your basis for how you choose to build on it later."

"Okay, fine. That's a good idea."

We go out and sit on the veranda on the back. The sun is on here right now and it warms up the sofa we sit on perfectly.

"I want you to ask me questions and I will answer honestly, you may write down the answers."

"OK."

I'm thinking. What do I want to know? I know mom was popular in high school and even university when she was younger. Maybe it's worth asking, even though I know about the answer. To be thorough as well?

"Have you always been popular?"

"No, I really don't."

I'm totally shocked. What?!

"But you've told me about your time in college and high school."

"It's true that I was popular back then, but I really wasn't before that. I was the victim of the class until we walked out of ninth grade and I never needed to see those people again."

This is one side of my mother I've never seen before. She looks right out and her eyes scare me. I can see how all she's changing about having to think back at that time in her life, when she herself was exposed.

"What happened?" I ask quietly, almost afraid of what she will answer.

She sighs and takes her time to answer.

"I was quite nervous as a child and even as a teenager. I was clumsy, shy and did not really know how to behave in social situations. There was a girl in my class, Melinda was her name. She loved using my weakness against me. She could tell any of the popular guys in the class to come and talk to me. Of course, I became shy and stammered out the answers. They always laughed at me and there were no ordinary haha laughs. It was a mockery of me."

"Mom, I don't know what to say.…"

She smiles at me with sad eyes.

"You don't have to say anything my treasure, that was a long time ago now and it's nothing I think about anymore. I just felt it was time for you to know that you're not alone. I know what Emilia has become Hanna. I'm not just gonna stand by and watch her ruin your life. You are an amazing person and you deserve to be treated with respect, as simple as that. Now I think we should move on to the next topic."

She must have felt I was uncomfortable.…

"Relationships."

She nods.

"I've been in love many times in my life. However, no one came near  your father. I met him my last year at the University. I was in a hurry and hurried through the corridor. He ran into me and my papers flew in every direction. I yelled at him to watch out where he was going. I bent down to pick up my papers, he did the same. We looked into each other's eyes and I was gone back then."

She smiles when she tells.

"I was hard to get and he understood that when he tried to ask me out the first time. He got turned down, more times than once. He continued to fight and eventually I couldn't resist. He didn't know until our wedding day that I knew he was the right one the first time I looked into his eyes. That man gave me the most beautiful things I could wish for in life. A nice house, two wonderful girls and a fantastic marriage. When he told me he was sick, it felt like something inside me broke. I couldn't stop for it! I had to be strong for him, for you. At that time, I was the strongest parent and I was thus also forced to keep the family afloat. When we were told that he would be fine again and that the danger was over, we all went on a journey together. Remember that?"

"Tunisia."

Mom smiles and nods.

"Exactly, Tunisia. It was one of the best trips we made together, I wish I knew then that it would be our last. Remember when he fell apart during your dinner?"

I'm nodding.

"I knew at that moment that he would disappear, that he was gone. He gave me a look that suggested it. He also knew…"

Mom gets quiet and I can see the tears in her eyes. A tear falls down her cheek. I take her hand in mine and she looks at me.

"You have your father's strength Hanna. Do not give up, even if life at this moment feels hard. Never give up hope."

She gently squeezes my hand, and then rises up to walk.

"Did you get everything you need?" She wonders.

Does she know what happened? Is that why she's telling me this?

I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. I'm still sitting here for a while after my mom walks in. It hurts me to think about what she just said. How can someone want to hurt and humiliate my fine mother? She's one of the nicest people there is. She deserves more than that.

I get up and I go into my room.

I'll sit at my desk and think about the information I got. When did the bullying actually start? Am I classified as bullied? I have friends and not everyone hates me, or yes, I had friends. Emilia is the worst, but I don't know if I'd call her my bully. She's just stupid, she's always been one way or another. Since we stopped being friends, I've been able to think more about how she treated others while we were actually friends. Although it's been a long time, I can remember how she treated the other girls in the yard. She could say something really nasty that made these girls get sad and then she could turn to me with her sweet smile. It was just like she had two personalities. One evil, evil and cruel. While the other was Sugarsweet, kind and sympathetic.

I myself have never bullied anyone, what I know anyway. If you ignore Johanna then. According to her, I'm a bully when I don't respond to her messages and avoid talking to her. I rather see it as avoiding poison in my life, because that's exactly what she is. She's poisonous. She is such a person who can completely break you down and take everything away from you without blinking. She doesn't feel guilty about it either.

Mom said I needed to hear what she had to tell me to build me a foundation. What do you really mean when you say that? "Build a foundation", strangely express it with. Maybe she means to figure out what makes me happy and what difficulties I have? But it's not part of my project... maybe it wasn't about the project at all. Maybe she wanted me to open my eyes and embrace parts of myself I didn't know existed?

What makes me happy? My friends, no, that's not true anymore... my mom and Kevin. I guess that's kind of what makes me happy. That sounds very little. Don't I have more happiness in my life? Well, I still have to, don't I? I think it's fun to cook and I'm pretty good at it, it depends well in and of itself on what you compare to. I'm good at school, and I'm careful about my duties. I will not tolerate failure! I must succeed, that failure is not programmed into my DNA.

Who am I kidding? These things don't really matter in the end. I'm broken, damaged goods. I can't even stop hurting myself anymore. I have no willpower to stay away from the things that might hurt me at all. Maybe that's what it's all about, I don't want to stop. Because I know that if I'm going to stop, I also have to be able to admit that I'm not in control and that I dropped it a long time ago. I'm in control! It's just hidden away for now.I can't fight it right now. I'm hurting myself to avoid the anxiety. I have a hard time eating because the voices in my head tell me I shouldn't. There's a party inside my brain and everyone's apparently invited! But as usual, me and my voices are the only ones that show up. They say things, things I don't want to hear. That makes me sad and makes me feel bad. Wait a minute, the voices are my own thoughts and show what I think of myself! It was at that moment that I understood what my mother meant. I've been bullying very hard for many years, I just wasn't aware that the victim was me myself.