Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 9

"Dear Diary, the conversation with mom upset my whole worldview. It made me start thinking about things that I didn't think existed inside me. I think Mom meant well when she brought it up with me, yet I can't let go of the feeling that this is just the beginning. The week ran by again and it feels like it was yesterday I talked to mom... the thoughts are getting more and more every day. They multiply like fever and I can't but be glad I'm still alive.”

I'm in bed staring back at the ceiling. It seems to have become my favorite occupation lately. This week went fast, I can't believe it's Friday again. What have I done this week? Gone to school, come home, run and lie down. I guess that's what happens when you have zero social life. Besides Kevin, I don't have anyone I hang out with anymore. My friends have finally taken the hint that I want to be left alone. Either one day I will feel like I want to talk to them again or the other way around. The main thing is that I get peace and quiet if I don't have to chase them off every day. My mother is going away today, she need to go to a conference in another city. She'll be gone all weekend and I'll be alone. I don't mind being alone one night, but not two nights in a row ... maybe I can ask Kevin if he wants to sleep here?

I get up out of bed and dress up my clothes. Today it will be a beige knitted sweater with a pair of jeans added, simple, functional and stylish. I bounce down the stairs and grab me a cup of coffee that I make every morning. I turn to the kitchen table, there's no mother there today. Instead, I find a note she wrote to me.

"Good Morning Hanna! When you read this, I've already had to rush off to the office to catch the bus we were going with. I put a thousand on the hall bureau for you. I didn't have any change. Of course, you are free to use as much as you like of it, but if I were you, I would save a little too. I'll be home Sunday night. I have my phone with me and you can only call if it's important, otherwise you can send a message. Love Mom”

It's not that I miss my mom or anything! I'm just not used to being myself this long and usually I am able to prepare in time. Now she found out yesterday that she was chosen by her boss to go away, she could not say no and I had no time to prepare for it. That's what it is. There's an advantage to being alone over the weekend, Kevin can come here and we can hang out undisturbed.

I sit down at the lunch table, this day has rolled on well and it has been very fast. When I entered the dining room, I saw that my friends still keep a place open to me, they looked worried at me. I just looked sad back and sat down at another table. I have noticed that I do not feel as lonely if I have headphones on me and listen to music when I eat at school. The anxiety is there when I try eat food, but here I have no choice. It is much easier at school that someone discovers my problems with the food, after all, it was them who saw it last time. Even if I have to eat a little bit, it's a better scenario than I have to go back to the curator. My phone vibrates on the table, I pick it up and open the message.

"You are cute today Hanna, any plans later?”

It's Kevin who sent the message. I'm smiling.

”I'm actually home alone this weekend, I was going to ask if you might want to sleep over tonight?”

I look up, he looks at me and smiles. Then he puts the phone down quickly when Emilia arrives at his table. I guess it was a yes. I can hear Emilia say:

"So, are you coming to the party tonight or not?"

"Actually, I can't do that. besides, I promised my dad we'd come up with something."

Emilia looks sour.

"Come on, baby, you know I should've come with you otherwise. I'll see you tomorrow."

She smiles at him and looks happy about his answers. I pull up the volume on my phone and keep eating. 

My phone vibrates again, this time it's Oliver.

"Hey, I was just checking to see if you wanted to come to the movies tonight?”

I'll answer briefly.

"Can't, I have a date.”

I put down the phone and see in the corner of my eyes how my old friends look at me amazingly. It is a mixture of surprise, concern and sadness among their expressions. I'm not dating anymore, and that's probably what surprises them. You'd only know. I eat the last on my plate, leave it to the lunch ladies and go out the door. I don't have time to get far before all my old friends are behind me by my locker.

"Who are you meeting?" wonder André.

"A guy."

"Who?" ask Dennis.

"You don't know him"

"Come on, Hanna, my dad works in the same place as your mom. I know they left for a conference, if something happens, no one knows where you are, " says Amanda.

I casually shrug my shoulders and turn to my locker. Suddenly my cabinet door slams again with a high bang.

"Who are you meeting?!" Oliver screams right out. He looks angry.

"No one you know or need to care about" I say, staring mad into his eyes. "You didn't care before when I needed it, and you don't have to care now. Just stay f*****g far away from me."

I turn around to walk away. Oliver's grabbing my arm.

"Ollie!" exclaims Patrik.

"Let me go!" I'm yelling at him.

"Who are you meeting?!"

"I'll give you three seconds to let me go."

He keeps a firm grip on my arm. I pick up my other arm, lift my fist and punch him on the cheekbone. He's screaming.

"Don't f*****g touch me! Don't you ever put a hand on me?! Just stay away!" I scream and feel my tears running down. Oliver looks at me shocked as if he just realized what he's done. He looks down at my arm that's turned all red, it's going to be an ugly bruise. He slowly shakes his head as if he can not understand what he has done.

"Hanna I…"

"Leave me alone!"

I run from there and I don't look around until I'm home in my hallway. When I lock the door, I fall on the floor. My tears don't stop running. I lay down in the fetal position and try to make my thoughts calm down. You're so f****d Hanna! Now you yourself can see that your friends do not need you. You're a failed false little girl who can't handle anything!

"Stop, please stop ..." I say again and again to myself like so many times before.

"Hanna?"

I'm ignoring the voice. The knocking on the front door does not stop.

"Hanna, it's me, please open the door."

It's Kevin and he sounds worried. I slowly get up and unlock. Kevin opens the door and looks worried at me.

"f**k Hanna.…"

He looks totally ruined.

"What the hell happened?!"

I throw myself in his arms and I can't stop crying.

"Sch, it's gonna be okay" he says over and over.

When I calm down a little, he takes my wrists in his. I'm pulling my left arm. Kevin looks down with his eyes closed.

"What the hell did you do?!"

"It was not me.…"

"Who was it?"

"It's okay.…"

"Who. Was. It?!"

"It was Ollie" I say quiet with the crying in my throat.

"Come on."

We sit on the couch and he takes me close to him. We sit in silence until the anxiety begins to fold somewhat and I begin to tell him about what happened.

"A date?" he says and grins.

"I just said that to make them feel the way I feel" I say and smile at him.

"I don't mind this date."

"How did you get here anyway? Don't you miss school now?"

"Yeah, I said I was going to the dentist and fix a tooth. That it would take time. Karin thought it was better that I went home for the day."

"Thank you for coming" I say quiet and hug him hard.

"You're welcome" he says and hugs me back.

We lie there together and he kisses me. First soft and gently. Then it gets wild and clothes fly away in all directions. He lays over me on the couch and squeezes my breasts hard. It almost hurts. He pulls down his underwear, my pants and moves my panties aside. It's a good thing it's dark in the living room, otherwise he would see the little that's left of my wounds. This time he penetrates with more power than he has done in recent times. Not violent at all, just more careless. He works a little faster today and groans in my ear. I feel the whole thing straining and eventually getting completely flabby over my body. He breathes heavily and gently kisses me over the clavicles. I pat him softly back and forth over his back. He moves and I crawl next to him again.

"Shall we order pizza and watch movies?" I'm asking.

He smiles at me and nods. We put our clothes on. I pick up my phone and look at him asking questioning.

"Kebab pizza" he says and goes out to the bathroom.

I'll call the pizzeria and order our food. Kevin comes back into the living room and looks a little uncomfortable.

"What is it?" I'm asking.

"Nothing" he says and smiles tired at me.

He sits down next to me on the couch and I start the movie. The pizza won't be long after that. I go out into the hall, pay and come back into the living room. I eat my pizza slowly while Kevin almost choke on his. He seems stressed. He looks impatiently at the clock, and then pretends to focus on the film.

"What is it, Kevin?"

His phone rings and he answers.

"Hi. Yes. Okay. I'll be right there. Yeah, okay. Kisses."

He hangs up and looks apologetically at me.

"Emilia?" I'm asking.

He nods.

"I will be away from the party tonight, she's starting to get suspicious. I have to get there, at least for a little while."

"Okay ..." I say quiet and look down.

"I can come back after that if you want?"

"Okay, I'll leave the door unlocked."

He kisses me on the forehead before he goes out into the hall. I follow him and watch him wear his shoes. He looks almost ashamed. Even so, I smile at him and kiss him on his mouth.

"See you later," he says before he goes out the front door.

I'll go back into the living room and look at my pizza. I've only eaten half a slice. I just ordered this because I thought he was hungry, I shouldn't have taken a big one. I shouldn't have eaten it at all. I sigh and lift up the pizza box to go out into the kitchen. I'll throw the box down with the whole pizza in the trash. I'll go back to the living room and lie on the couch. I try to focus on the film to no avail, soon it blackens before my eyes when my eyelids slowly fall again.

When I wake up, it's completely dark in the house except for the dim light from the tv. I watch the clock, it's almost 12.30 am. I unlock the front door and go up the stairs. When I brush my teeth, I walk into my bedroom and undress. I crawl under my blanket and pull it all the way up to my chin. I wonder when Kevin will be here. Is he with Emilia now? Is he having fun? Will he even come back?

I twitch when I feel a hand touching my butt. I look confused around in my room, I must have fallen asleep. The clock shows it's 4: 30 in the morning. Kevin's next to me.

"Hey, baby" he says little slurring.

I don't have time to answer until I have his mouth on my, fiercely looking for my tongue. He bites me in the lip and takes a tight grip on my butt. Just like before, he moves over me and pulls my panties down. He pulls down his underwear which he then throws away throughout the room. He penetrates me with as much power as before. He bites my neck over and over as if he were a vampire. I'm close when he mumbles something inaudible in my ear before he collapses over me again. I wouldn't have had my share this time either, I guess that's what happens sometimes. He rolls off me and I lay on his chest. His breath becomes heavier and heavier, I'm just about to fall asleep when I hear him mumble:

"You know you're just temporary.…"

My eyes are flying open. I look at him, he's asleep. Just temporary? Did he say that to me or does he Dream? If it was for me, what did he mean by that? After all, he came back to me when he could have stayed with his girlfriend, somewhere he loves me, he has to do.

"What the hell?"

I slowly open my eyes. I see Kevin walking around swearing quietly to himself. He looks around at

the floor and seems to be looking for something.

"What are you looking for?" I say while yawning.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" he says and picks up his pants.

"There is no danger, what time is it?"

"Ten."

"What are you doing up? Come back to bed, to me."

He smiles sad.

"If only I could Hanna."

"Then why can't you?"

"I promised Emilia we'd hang out today."

It hurts me to hear.

"Oh, I see.…"

As so many times before, he takes his hand to my chin and lifts my head up to see my face.

"It was great to be with you yesterday, I wish I could stay. It almost felt like

a fairy tale ... but I have to get back to reality. You understand, right?"

I'm nodding. He kisses me on the forehead.

"See you, Hanna."

I still sit on the edge of the bed puzzled and hear him when he walks out the front door. Left

again, he's coming back, he has to... right?