Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 18

"Dear diary, I have never felt as confused as I do right now. All the emotions inside me are crushing on each other. You can compare it to a big serial crash on a highway. The feelings try to knock down and take over each other all the time, which allows me not to focus on anything other than my own thoughts. There is a big difference in sitting behind bars where you can see and touch the grid and to walk around in the open air and not be able to see or touch the grid, believing that you are free. I am no longer free, I am a prisoner in my own mind…”

His tongue searches into my mouth and I don't know how, but my mouth decides to answer Jordan's kiss. Our tongues meet and move like one. At that moment, we are one with each other. I'm finally forced to interrupt the kiss to breathe a little. Jordan looks terrified at me. He opens his mouth to say something, but closes it again. I smile at him.

"It's okay, Jordan" I say.

I lean against his shoulder and his lips are against my temples.

"You're never alone, Hanna," he whispers.

His words go right into my heart. I've known from the beginning that I've never been alone, not really. For some reason, I haven't been able to believe it until now. I have no army of friends but the ones I have would follow me to the end of the world and back again without hesitation for a second.

"What happens now, with Kevin and everything?" he suddenly asks and breaks the silence.

I sigh.

Yes, what should I answer that? I don't even know what's gonna happen. I still don't know how to feel or like everything that's happened in the last few weeks. I can't say with a clear conscience that all my problems came when Kevin showed up, because that's not true. My problems existed long before that, they had just not achieved their full potential yet. As I said, You can't blame him, not for everything. However, what you can accuse him of is pouring gasoline on the fire and causing an explosion. All the drama that has arisen because of him ... and myself of course!

"Hanna?"

Jordan is worried about me. I forgot to answer him.

"I don't know. I don't know anything right now. The only thing I know is that I intend to live my life on my own terms and not on what everyone else thinks."

He smiles at me and hugs me.

"I'm proud of you, Hanna! Finally, you understand what we all knew about you all the time."

"What?" I ask, confused.

"Your strength, you've had it all along. It's just been tucked away, he responds and flashes to me."

We talk a little more before we go in each direction to go home.

At school the next day, everyone stays even farther away from me than they did before. I feel a strong self-confidence when I walk there in the hallway. The feeling increases even more when the rest of my crew comes up next to me. All my boys are united with me and keeping track of the others around us. Oliver is the one who's mostly on the brink of someone who's gonna dare start f*****g with me. No one does anything, we do what we're going to do and walk away calmly. Nothing's learned. The atmosphere is printed, I can't figure out why. Everyone's eyes are on me, probably after the things that happened  yesterday. I feel peaked and uncomfortable. Nevertheless, I continue to progress towards the classroom and ignore everything else.

Even during class, things feel weird. Kevin ignores me during math class, apparently still encountered after I finished with him. Emilia enters the classroom and sits down next to Kevin. He ignores her too. She is visibly annoyed that he did not give her the reaction she expected. They sit in silence and write in their books. Just before the school bell rings, she whispers something to him. I see his body getting stiff and his face looks horrified. She walks away fast and doesn't look back. The other students disappear out the door one by one, until it's just me and Kevin left. He's doubtful about me and looks worried.

"How are you, Hanna?" he asks, gently.

"I'm good" I say confidently.

He looks worried about me and looks hurt.

"You look good.…"

"I am."

He looks hesitant, as if he is afraid of the answer he will get to the question he wants to ask me.

"Do you miss me at all?"

He looks at me with a sunken head and I look down to the floor.

"Of course I do", I whisper.

He takes his hand under my chin and lifts my head to look into my eyes. He caresses my cheek softly.

"I miss you so much, Hanna!"

I take his hands off me gently and back off.

"It's too late, Kevin.…"

I'm going to the door and turn around one last time to look at him. He looks devastated, as if I have thrown his heart on the ground and jumped on it.

"I loved you, just so you know," I say quietly with tears in my eyes and walk away.

Two hours later, it's time for lunch. I walk towards my friends ' tables and they look up at me with a radiant smile when I sit down.

"Hey, Hanna, can you handle it?" asks Patrik.

I smile tired and nod. Everything that has happened in recent weeks has now begun to catch up with me and both body with my mind is tired. They say nothing more to me after that, they see that I'm tired. Everything is quiet for most of our lunch, until Emilia comes in and walks up to Kevin.

"I break up with you" she says, and then walk away again.

Everyone looks confused after her before they turn their eyes on Kevin, he doesn't seem particularly influenced by her words. I hear someone's asking him something, probably if he's okay. He answers freezing cold:

"It's her loss, not mine, never date a stupid blonde, fellas."

His friends are laughing, but not him and not me. Our glances meet and he gives me a discreet smile, but I just shake my head. He looks sad but doesn't look and doesn't try to get in touch with me anymore after that.

After lunch, I go into the bathroom and sit in the same booth I sat in when I eavesdrop on Oliver's conversation. The door opens and Emilia comes in with her whole gang. She is completely silent and stands facing the sink. What I see when she turns to my side through the gap is that she cries. I've never seen her sad, not even when we were kids. Apparently, even the b***h queen can feel real feelings. Her friends try to calm her with words and gentle caresses on her back.

"He's met someone else when he's been with me..." she says suddenly.

The others are pulling their breath.

"What? Are you sure? How do you know?"

She looks down to the floor.

"He doesn't love me and never did. He was always charming and kind to me, but I noticed that he was always happier when he couldn't hang out with me. He must have been with someone else who gave him that joy that I couldn't give him. He loves her, whoever she is and she can have him."

Her tears flow freely and I can't help feeling sorry for my bully. She didn't deserve this, nothing she'd done to me can be exchanged for the pain I've inflicted on her.

"You know who?"

"I don't know anything for sure, but…"

"But what?"

"I think it's Hanna and that he loves her, for real…"

I solidify at the place I sit on and Emilia completely collapses. She shakes and almost screams off her tears. It hurts me to see my last best friend in such pain. She even holds her hand over her heart as if it is bursting for real. A thought that scares me suddenly appears. What the hell did I do?! Do you remember that price you would have to pay for your actions, Hanna? Now it's time to pay and it will cost you dearly…

The rest of the day goes for the unusualshoul quickly. I stand by my locker when Oliver comes running towards me.

"Hanna, come quick!"

"What is it?" I ask, confused.

"Come on!"

I slam my locker and take his hand. He's pulling me out of the school vector.

When we get out, Kevin and Emilia stand there screaming at each other. We stand a bit away from them, there are enough people standing around them looking interested or amused.

"You didn't love me! Admit it!" screams Emilia.

Kevin sighs and pulls his hand through his hair.

"I like you, Emilia.…"

"That's not an answer to my question!"

"No, I don't love you.…"

"Who is she?! Who can make you love her instead of me?! Don't you know who I am?!"

"I love Hanna ..." he says quiet.

Everyone's eyes will fall on me. I stand horrified and petrified.

"I knew it! his Emilia. I knew it was her! Who else could it have been? Little vulnerable, fragile Hanna, you treat her like an angel, every single one of you!"

"Don't talk about her like that!" he roars back.

She's laughing.

"What did I tell you? You're so f*****g quick to defend her that you can't even realize what a slut she is!"

"I said don't say things like that about her!" he screams.

She laughs again.

"You don't even know her! None of you know her! You have no idea why she doesn't talk to her sister, do you?"

Everything is quiet, even the birds will not dare to chirp. No, no, no! I feel the panic and the shame wash over me.

"Now, do you want to know why Hanna doesn't talk to her sister?"

"Please" I whisper.

Oliver's holding my hand tight.

"Everybody remembers Hannah's boyfriend, Robin, right?"

A few nods and waits tense to find out more.

"They were together for over five years and Johanna took him right in front of her. She had f****d him for years and got pregnant."

My tears fell quietly down my cheeks. Emilia sees it and continues grinning tell.

"Hanna couldn't even keep her boyfriend and tried to kill herself when she found out what happened. Her fragile psyche can't handle anything! When she was released from psych she attacked her own sister and tried to kill her. She stabbed Robin in the thigh with kitchen knife and he will never be able to walk properly again.

She keeps smiling and looking at me like I'm gonna start defending myself. My secret was out and there was nothing I could do about it. Again, everyone is looking at me. I slowly go to Emilia and look her in the eye. Quiet I say:

"That is true, all of it is true. Johanna and Robin have a child together today. I shouldn't have done what I did, but I can't change it" I say explanatory to the others.

"You're a psycho disturbed bride Hanna!" screams Emilia.

I turn to her again with a tired look.

"Do you like it? Does it feel good to push someone down who was once your best friend? How does it feel to kick someone who is already lying down? How does it feel to break a trust?"

She suddenly becomes sad, she does not show it but I can see it in her eyes, remorse.

"Johanna took everything away from me and then you did the same, I continue. But it's okay, Emilia, because I have nothing left to lose."

With those words, I go straight across the school vector and push away every person who stands in my way. Before I know it, my legs have started running. I hear several voices calling out and several footsteps behind me trying to catch up with me. I'm just ignoring. Right now I want to get as far as possible from this place…

I'm sitting on a bench in the park now and I'm very drunk. After school, I had run home, picked up my bottle, tablets and disappeared again. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to feel anything ... The price got too high, right Hanna? The thoughts are coming. Here you have the karma in its full form, and to the glory of god. I'll have another sip, as if it would help. You understand what's going to happen now, don't you? You will lose every person who has ever looked in your direction. Your secret is out and they will either hate you or be afraid of you. That's why you hid the truth, isn't it? Shame you're out of control. You've been so addicted to being in control all your life and what scares you the most is that you've lost it at all. You're weak, Hanna, weak! You don't know anything and you'll never get anywhere. Why don't you just give up? I sip a large amount from my vodka bottle and the whole chest burns. The outside world is spinning and when I fall down on the bench I could not care less. No one would care if I died on this bench, least of all me. Maybe it's time to let go for real now. My phone vibrates in my pocket again. It's Oliver calling. I answer without thinking.

"Hanna, where are you?! We've called you hundreds of times!"

"It doesn't matter anymore" I slurp.

"Hanna, are you drunk?"

It's Jordan's voice suddenly over the phone.

"Drunk and high like never before!" I excite bitterly.

He puts his hand over the microphone, but I hear he's talking to the others.

"She's both drunk and high as a house, you can hardly understand what she's saying."

Jordan, listen and listen carefully" I say. "Don't try to find me. Forget me."

"What?! Hanna, what are you talking about?!" exclaims someone.

Shortly thereafter, it spins to more than before and I can no longer stay conscious. Everything turns black as night.