Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 17

"Dear diary, I'm afraid. Terrified even! Someone's been in my room and it scares me more than anything else. I feel persecuted and paranoid. I feel like someone's always looking at me. Is that Kevin? Is that Emilia? Or is it someone else? I don't know what to believe and I don't know who to trust. I'm just sitting here with my fear and a recurring anxiety, which is about to eat me from within.”

Oliver stayed overnight. He didn't want to leave me after everything that happened. Mom had nothing against it, she has always liked Oliver and even hinted that she thinks she would be a good match for me as a partner. I have tried again and again to explain to her that I like Oliver, that the thought has also occurred to me but that it is far too much risk to take. If it ends between us, I have not only lost a partner, but also my very best friend. He deserves someone who is happy and can give him the best, what he needs. That person is not me. I'm the exact opposite of what he needs. I'm just a broken little girl who doesn't know what she wants to do with her life.

I sneak up out of bed and go out into the bathroom. The water from the shower flows down over my little body. Despite the disaster that happened yesterday, things feel better today. I feel stronger and more confident that I made the right choice. No one should have to settle for less. I mean.

I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around me. Gently I sneak over the wooden floor and hope that I will not wake Oliver with the creaking. I put my head in my closet and try to find something to wear.

"Morning, babe!"

I jump off Oliver's voice and scream.

"Don't do that!"

He's laughing at me.

"Then it was terrible what you've been easily frightened."

"Asshole…"

I keep looking in my closet and hearing Oliver get up from the bed. He walks up to me and turns me on him. He seriously looks at me as if he is trying to memorize what my face looks like.

"Damn, you're really beautiful, Hanna."

I smile shyly and look down to the floor.

"Even when you are newly showered, worn and have no makeup, you are the most beautiful creature on all this earth" he says with velvety voice and caresses my cheek.

I hug him and I can feel his smile on my skin. I let him go and say laughing:

"Go take a shower! You stink!"

He grins and goes to the bathroom. It was a lie, he didn't stink at all. But I had to do something to ease the embarrassing situation. Hearing him say such things about me, or hearing someone at all say such things about me, makes me uncomfortable and shy. I'm not used to compliments, especially not when there's so much love behind the words. I pick up a pair of sweatpants and a T–shirt for him that I put on the bed. Both items of clothing are his really, but I've been stealing a lot over the years that are his and used. He doesn't mind. Moreover, I have not taken them against his will. Rather, it's been like I borrowed some sweater or so when it rained and then the clothes have followed me home. I have not been able to return them, they still smell him no matter how many times you wash them and he has not asked to get them back either. I think he's aware that his clothes are here but he doesn't care because he knows they're in safe hands. Mom has pointed out quite a few times that you usually do so when you are in a relationship, but she is wrong. We're just friends, it needs to stay that way.

Oliver comes back into my room and looks annoyed. I smile and I walk forward to smell him. I exclaim a loud laugh when I smell it. He smells like lavender and bubblegum.

"Are you done?" he says annoyed and looks at me with his arms crossed.

"Aw, don't you like smelling sugar sweet?" I say between my laughter tears.

He throws a pillow at me and tries to look angry. When he walks up to bed to get dressed, I can see in the corner of my eye that he smiles big.

In the kitchen, Mom sits with a cup of coffee in her hand as usual, with a colorful breakfast served. Oliver take out two cups and pour coffee to both of us. We sit down next to each other and mom looks at us smiling.

"Good Morning, kids. Have you slept well?"

"Yes, thanks for letting me sleep over" says Oliver.

"You are always welcome here, you know that" answer mom and then continue reading her newspaper.

Oliver makes a sandwich and drink of his coffee. I pour a dash of milk into my coffee as usual and look out the window. Oliver looks at me and unobtrusively indicates that I should eat something. I'm slowly shaking my head. He looks worried, but he doesn't say anything. Mom's looking up at us again.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, it's morning and I'm just tired" I answer.

She nods and puts the paper down. She looks at us in silence. She probably noticed that things are a little tense between us. Oliver puts his arm around the backrest of my chair and grins at me.

"Why are you tired, Princess?"

"You, my Lord, snore like a pig. It's like trying to sleep in an Italian cafe!" I'm exclaiming.

They laugh at me and Oliver then lead the conversation towards something else with mom. They talk to each other and he looks in my direction. I mimic a "thank you" to him, he smiles and hugs my shoulder.

At school, it's a weird atmosphere when we get there. Everyone seems shaken up and stressed for some reason. There's a huge crowd in front of my locker. As we approach, they move uncomfortable and whisper around me. I turn to my locker and horror when I see what is written with the felt-tip pen on the note that is set up. "You're gonna die, you ugly f*****g w***e!'. Oliver rips the note down and screams to make everyone hear him.

"Who the hell wrote this?!"

Silence prevails around us. Nobody answers and nobody dares even look at me.

"Who?!" he's screaming again.

It continues to remain silent until a voice is heard behind me.

"What did you expect? Hanna is known to spread her legs for a cigarette, clear as hell that someone eventually gets tired of her behavior" says Emilia mockingly.

Oliver takes a step towards her and she backs away.

"You're the one who's done this, you psychotic b***h?!" he asks her with his teeth bent together.

Then something happens that I never thought would happen, Kevin shows up and stands in front of her, as if he's trying to protect her from a threat that's not there.

"Back off, Oliver" he says with a threatening voice.

Oliver does not back down, instead he goes one more step forward until his face is only a few centimeters away from Kevins. One can feel the tension between them, this has just become a domination situation and none of them backs up. The only thing missing is that they stand and growl at each other. I know it will get into trouble if I don't try to do anything. Therefore, I put my hand over Oliver's arm and try to pull him with me from the place.

"Ollie, come on, it's not worth it."

He does not listen, but continues to look menacingly at Kevin.

"Please ..." I whisper tears in my throat.

He turns to me and sighs. With one last look in Kevin's direction, he'll come with me out of school again. I take his hand in mine and lead him away, it's time for a cigarette. He has to calm down, it will be a disaster if I do not try to do something. He'll find Kevin to knock him down if he gets the opportunity.

"Why didn't you let me go after him?!" sizzling Oliver against me.

"It's not worth it" I answer calmly and quietly.

He pulls his hand through his hair and start to pace. He mumbles to himself and I can see how he is debating with himself. I get up and walk up to him.

"Ollie" I say with a smooth voice. "You can't always fight my fighters for me, you know that.…"

"Why didn't you let me take care of you?!"

His eyes flash with both anger and sadness.

"Why didn't you talk to me and ask for help before it went too far?! Why do you hurt yourself like you do?! Why do you hate yourself?! Why, why…"

He sinks on the ground and starts sobbing. I hug him and swing him gently.

"It's okay, everything's gonna be okay ..." I tell him the same way he's done for me so many times before.

He relaxes somewhat and takes me in his arms. I can feel his head against my throat and his wet cheeks. He sobs less and less the longer we sit together.

"Why Kevin?" he asks quietly, probably afraid of what my answer will be.

Before I have time to answer, the rest of our friends show up around the house knot. Amanda looks angry while the others rather look disappointed and sad.

"So that's what you've done, you've f****d someone else's boyfriend?!" exclaims Amanda mockingly, it is obvious that she still feels hurt after my words the day before.

I lower my eyes and avoid her question.

"You're kidding, is it true?!"

I nod slowly, my tears threaten to begin to flow.

"It's time for you to start explaining now Little Miss" says André tired and looks sad.

I know what they all think and I don't like keeping things a secret from them. But what choice did I have?!

Slowly I begin to explain everything that has happened and everyone except Amanda seems to understand that it has been heavy for me too.

"Am I supposed to feel sympathy for you now?" she says sour.

"I didn't ask for your or anyone else's sympathy! I just wanted you to know the truth."

"Why? It obviously has not meant anything before!"

"I'm sorry ... I didn't want to lie to you or keep information from you either…"

"Why don't you just tell me the truth? You are a dirty slut who can't get her own boyfriend, therefore you have to take someone else's!"

I draw in a hard breath and swallow the lump in my throat. Amanda's never talked to me like this before.

"What the hell are you saying?!" screams Oliver.

"Oh, Come on Ollie! Not even you can ignore that thought, we've all thought about it, right?" she asks and looks around us to look at our friends. Probably she expects them to agree with her, but they do not. They all shake their heads and look angry.

"How can you say that to me?" I ask her quietly and this time I let the tears flow freely.

She looks at me a disgusting look like I'm a pile of dog s**t.

"I'll tell you what the f**k I want to tell you now, we're not friends anymore, don't you remember? You made it very clear yesterday when you decided to embarrass me in front of the whole school!" she screams in my face. Her saliva splashes over my face.

Now the rest of my friends are starting to interfere in her behavior.

"What the hell are you doing with Amanda?" asks Patrik angrily.

She looks surprised at her boyfriend. I don't think she thought he'd take my side in this. She, just like Emilia is used to getting what she wants.

"You're taking her side now?!" she screams at him.

"You can't act like s**t!" now André screams at her.

"I'm acting however the hell I want when the w***e is around me!"

It was at that moment that I understood that Amanda was exactly the same as Emilia. If not worse. And she's been my friend for years, how could I be so blind?

Patrik stands in front of me and protects me from Amanda who has taken a step closer to me. He gives her an angry look that makes her eyes widen.

"I don't want to be with you anymore" he says hard. "You just showed me what kind of person you are. We've put up with your s**t all these years, but no one's ever said anything. You're a manipulative b***h who thinks the whole world revolves around you. I don't know how I could love you! Hanna hasn't done anything to you that you don't already deserve!"

Amanda looks stunned at her now, ex-boyfriend. She stands silent and shocked for a few seconds before her gaze lands on me. She looks insane. Patrik continues to stand in front of me to protect. I move him gently as she moves towards him, it looks like she's gonna slap him. I'm protecting him just like he just did to me.

"You! You've taken everything from me you disgustink skank!"

She's taking a step towards me, but this time I'm strong. I'm going against her, our foreheads are against each other and we're both ready to start fighting. She's straining and just lifting her hand when I pull back my head and skulls her. Something crushes and in just a few seconds the blood begins to flow out of her nose. She's screaming. I'm just about to fly on her again when someone grabs me from behind. Amanda looks at me with disgust before she leaves, she knows she can't win. Oliver's arms are around my body. He  light a cigarette and give it to me. We all stand there in silence, no one dares to say anything. In the end, André becomes impatient and says:

"Okay, if no one else is gonna say it, then I'm gonna do it ... that was epic!"

We all laugh together.

It's just been gymnastics class and I can't find my clothes. I know I hung my things up on the hook at the end of the locker room. There's nothing there now. Emilia and her friends laugh at me. I sigh and go out into the hallway. I only have a towel around me, but I don't care. The first thing I see is my things scattered along the entire corridor. I bend down and start picking up my things. Kevin stands with his friends and laughs at me. I'm standing right in front of Kevin and I'm gonna pick up my shirt when he puts his foot on it. I look around, my friends just got there and see what's going on.

"Hanna! Watch out!" Oliver screams and tries to come to me, someone holds him back.

Before I have time to react, the towel is pulled away from me. Kevin's waving it proudly in his hand. I am now walking naked in school and everyone can see me. I hold my tears, it's not the time! I collect all the confidence I can find and pick up my shirt. I pull the towel out of Kevin's hand and stand proudly in front of him.

"I know you think I'm sexy, you can't be more obvious than you are right now" I say and wink at him.

When I go back with my stuff and the towel in my fist, I put more weight in the hips to make my butt move more. There's a lot of whistles behind me. I look over my shoulder and I can see the guys ' eyes on my body. My eyes land on Kevin and I can see that he wants me. I look over my shoulder, I give him a glance that means "I know you want me, I know you miss me, but now it's too late lover boy". With that, I go into the dressing room and get dressed. The girls in there look astounded and angry at me, but don't do anything. Amanda stands looking at me but does nothing either, it must sting that even her ex looked at me. But whoever looked the most, it was Kevin. I give Emilia a look. That's right, you can't get to me, b***h!

When I get home, I can no longer hold back my feelings. I may have shown what I wanted them to see at school, but now, I have no one who watches. Oliver told me afterwards that he thought my reaction was cool and André said I showed that I'm not going to take s**t from nobody. The problem is, they couldn't be any more wrong, I broke when Kevin took the towel away from me. That person who once meant the most to me in the whole world exposed me to a terrible situation when I was the most vulnerable. My heart burst again and every breath is a torment. That son of a b***h broke me down! I promised Oliver I'd stop hurting me. Right now, I can't help it, I have to!

I hasten up the room and put a lot of incisions. As ever before, the anxiety flows from me almost instantly. I sit there, with my back against the wall and enjoy the pulsation out of my arms ... wait a minute! My arms! I had accidentally cut my arms instead of my legs during my anxiety attack! It will be visible if I do nothing. At the bottom of my wardrobe, I find a long sleeve thick sweater that I thread over my head. I don't care about washing and plastering my wounds. I need to talk to someone, now! is the only thing I can think. For some inscrutable reason, my fingers move by themselves over my contact list in the phone, pressing Jordan's name. There's barely enough time to get a signal before he answers. The call is kept short and I'm just asking him to meet me down at the docks. He hears that I need him and only says he'll be there as soon as he can.

Jordan is already there when I get there. He takes a single look at me before he takes me in his arms and hugs me like there was no tomorrow.

"You look pale" he says with his face in my hair.

I shrug my shoulders and back away.

He gives me a look that means he suggests he wants to know about what happened. I tell him in detail about the day and when I finish telling him, he reacts in the only way I didn't think he would react. He laughs, loud and long.

"I knew you were a fighter!" he says, rushing about my hair and lighting a spliff. He gives it to me and light one to himself. We beat them against each other gently, as if we toast. It starts to spin and I feel calm. My thoughts go back to the open window, and who was in the right place.

"What are you thinking so frantically?"

"Someone broke into my room the other day and lay in bed with me."

"Did it scare you?"

"Not really, it was more the words that were said that scared me. I want to know who it was…"

"You don't have to wonder or be afraid, Hanna."

I look confused at him.

"Why not?"

He becomes silent for a while and then says:

"You don't have to be afraid, because it was me."

Before I know it, I have his lips against mine and feel more confused than ever before.