Chapter 19
1826 Words
"Dear diary, I have now given up all hope to be saved from my demons. I am all alone in this world and the light in my darkness will not. The rock in the storm has burst and I'm now flying around and can't land anywhere. That's enough.I can't take it anymore. Please, let me go!”
"Hanna?! Wake up, Hanna!"
Someone rushes me back and forth but I don't want to open my eyes. I do not want to see them, I do not want to feel the shame overflow me, I do not want more.
"Please, open your beautiful eyes and look at us" says someone.
Slowly I open my red eyes and look at the little scab in front of me. Oliver takes me in his arms and whispers silent words. I'm looking around. André, Patrik, Jordan, Sara ... even Kevin stands in front of me! They stand there quietly with uneasy glances. Kevin looks away when I look at him, I guess it stings for him to see me in the arms of someone other than him. I'm starting to shiver and the nausea is rising over me. I quickly get up and hurry away behind a tree. The booze and the pills fly out of me into a puddle on the lawn. I stand there and sob for a long time. When I'm finally done, I feel like I'm out of my mind and fall down on the ground.
"We have to get her inside! She's freezing" someone says.
I can't tell who's who anymore.
"We can't take her home to her house, her mother's home and it's gonna be a f*****g nightmare."
"What are we gonna do?!"
"My apartment. I live over there."
"Okay, help me get her up."
I feel two pairs of strong arms lift me up and eventually lay in someone's arms. I get carried like a bride on her wedding night.
"It's okay, you beautiful Hanna, we'll take care of you."
Everything blackens again and the only thing I can think is "they will never see me the same way again".
When I wake up, they all sit on the floor of a living room I don't recognize. Confused, I take the room in and find out I'm lying on a leather sofa. They're busy talking to each other, no one notices me.
"She wakes up now" suddenly says Sara and gets up.
She sits next to me and I lean towards her shoulder.
"What happened?" I ask quietly.
"We found you in the park, completely knocked out. With way too much booze in your little body. You've taken more pills than I take in days" says Jordan softly.
I sit up and rub my eyes. The head is spinning. One hand caresses my cheek and when I look up it is the familiar green eyes that look back at me.
"What's he doing here?" I ask hard, full of sadness after everything that happened.
Kevin's hand falls from my face and he looks at me seriously with the most sad look I've ever seen.
"I told you she wouldn't like it" Oliver says hard to Kevin.
"Stop acting like a pig, Ollie" says Patrik.
They start messing with each other and everyone in the room talks at the same time. In the end, I say quiet:
"Please, just go.…"
I look up at Kevin with tears. He hangs with his head and nods before he goes out into the hall. After a few minutes I hear how the front door closes. The second I hear it, I'm breaking up. My tears squirt and I shake uncontrollably. I do not know how long my sadness and panic last, I just cry and cry. The crying subsides until it comes out just a few quiet sobs. Oliver pats me over his hair and keeps me close to his muscular chest, I don't know how I ended up in his lap, not because I don't mind. I look carefully at the others who have been silent in the meantime. They all look at me with love and care. I'm ashamed under their eyes.
"What is it, Hanna? Why don't you look at us?" asks André softly.
"Because you hate me now or are afraid of me ..." I answer quietly.
He laughs softly.
"We're not afraid of you Hanna, I don't even think that possibility exists."
"But you hate me.…"
"We can never hate you" answer Oliver and hug me.
"How? After all you found out, I thought…"
"That we would run in the opposite direction when we found out?" asks Patrik.
I nod quietly.
"You don't have to be worried Hanna, we'll never leave you."
I smile for myself.
We all talk together for a long time and they're careful with me. They tell me that I mean a lot to them and that they don't care what happened to Johanna. That they do not judge me but understand my sorrow and pain. They decide we have to eat something and order pizza. I refuse to eat and when they wonder why I start slowly telling.
"I wanted to punish myself, because I felt so bad ... I wanted to punish myself for allowing myself to be happy and happy."
"But why, baby girl?"
"I don't deserve to be happy, not after what I did.…"
"You if someone deserves joy, Hanna! You give so much to everyone else without asking for anything back. Is there someone who needs your help you don't hesitate for a second to help and if there's nothing you can do to solve it, you're simply there just to comfort. You deserve happiness, you mean and to us you are important" says Sara seriously and kisses me on the forehead.
The others nod cohesively and slowly I start eating on my pizza. While the anxiety actually flows off me this time.
At home in the hall it is dark, I look up to the upper floor, but even there it is coal black. Oliver had told me he talked to my mother and told me to sleep with him. Unaware of the situation to be added. I do not want to go in and meet with my loneliness in a dark bedroom. My legs take me down to the lake instead. The calm and the babbling creek under the bridge calms me. Why do I feel okay when I'm with my friends but so broken and weak when I'm alone? The phrase "alone is strong", it's just bullshit. I would never have made it without the people I care about. Even Emilia and Amanda mean something to me still, even if they treated me badly. I made them both a promise on two different occasions, that I would always be there for them. It hasn't changed and probably never will.
"Hanna?" says a shaky voice behind me.
I turn around. In front of me, Kevin is looking miserable.
"What are you doing here?" I wonder.
"I saw you when you came home and didn't go in. I followed you here."
"Why?"
"Because I care about you, Hanna. Much more than I should. Every time I see another guy hugging you, I feel like a wolf! Like I want to rip your head off every person who ever touched you the way I did.…"
"You have no right to feel that way about me anymore.…"
"I know that. Every time I see you, especially with Oliver, I feel a rage inside me that scares me. I can't handle that anger…"
I'm backing away, he scares me with his words.
"Hanna, please. Don't be afraid of me, I love you…"
"You have no right to tell me these things! What gives you the right to believe that your words have any influence on me?!" I'm yelling at him.
He takes a step backwards in response to my words.
"I know I don't deserve you ... you're the most amazing thing on this planet. Emilia is a fart in space in comparison with you. You're happiness. You are love embodied. You're what gives me the strength to continue Hanna. I'm really addicted to you! I can't help it at all, even if I want to. If I could have tried to forget you and move on, but I know it won't work. My place is with you and your place is in my arms. I love you and I do not want to live without you, I can not live without you! If I can't have you, no one else can have you either. I can't live with that pain, seeing you with some other man every day, I can't do it. You! You, Hanna! Your beautiful eyes that look straight into my soul and you take away all the dark with your light. You are the meaning of life, Hanna and I will not be ashamed that I am selfish. You're mine!" he roars.
He seems affected, I do not even know if he himself understands what it is he is saying right now. His eyes widen and decrease all the time. He breathes heavily as if every word was a marathon. Now he's just looking at me and waiting for my reaction.
"Kevin, I ..."
A loud sigh leaves my mouth.
"You mean a lot to me, and I think you'll always will, but I can't do this anymore. I can't take it anymore. You have exposed me to hell on earth and broken me down in every possible way."
"I can get you pregnant" he's seriously interrupting and looking at me. "If I get you pregnant, you never have to ever be afraid that I'm leaving you for someone else."
"A child is not a solution to this problem!" I'm exclaiming. "This is no longer working Kevin and I have to make you understand that. The wounds are too deep and over time they will certainly heal, but the scars will remain. I forgive you for everything you've done Kevin, but just because I do, doesn't mean that automatically I can forget what you've done. You're forgiven, but please, stay away from me."
I'm crying and I don't know what feeling to focus on. The pain, the sorrow, the missing and the love for him confuses me. Now even Kevin cries openly.
"But I love you Hanna, I can't leave you!"
"I know that, that's why I make the choice for you and go. Bye, Kevin."
With that, I turn around and go. It's exhausting not to turn around and look at him. I can hear him cry and cry loudly, but I can't turn around. Because if I do, then I will run right into the arms of the only guy who is both the best and the absolute worst that has ever happened to me.
- Writer
