Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 20

BE AWARE THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS s****l ABUSE AND RAPE!

"Dear diary, I had to. I had to cut the tapes with Kevin, which I'm almost one hundred percent sure was my soul mate. "My person." It is an expression that means that he is the first person I hear from me if it is something, the person I value the most and love the most. I knew it was so, I love him with all my soul and all that I am. I knew that I had to make the tough choice for him. I made him watch me walk. The only thing I can wish for is that he now finds peace and can find someone who deserves him…”

A sound from my phone wakes me up in the morning. I'll sit up in bed and open the message.

"Hey, how are you feeling?”

Oliver's message makes me smile.

”I feel okay.”

"Would you like to come up with something tonight?”

"Like what?”

"The winter ball is tonight, we could go there. Do you want that?”

I hesitated. Is that really a good idea?

”I don't know…”

"You don't have to worry Hanna, we're all with you. Even Jordan offered to come. You need to get out and do something fun, something that will make you relax.”

"Okay, sure. Where am I going?”

”You do not need to think about it, we will come and pick you up. Just be done by 9: 30.”

I put a smile on my phone and look forward to the evening. Tonight I'm gonna have fun and no one can take it from me!

Sara comes an hour before I'm supposed to be done. She helps me pick out a white dress and a pair of stylish high-heeled pink shoes. She helps me put my hair up in a braided updo around my head and I almost feel like a goddess. We've just finished when mom calls downstairs that Oliver and the others have arrived. I'm about to get out of the room when Sara pulls me back smiling.

"No, my beautiful little goddess. You're gonna make a grand entrance. I'll go down and when I call you, you'll come, Okay?"

"Why?"

"You'll understand why" she says and flashes at me. With those words, she goes down the stairs. It is quiet for a minute and I hear weak words exchanged between them.

"Come On, Hanna."

I'm taking a deep breath before I go out of my room and walk down the stairs. I lower my gaze down to the floor and dare not look up.

"Head high," says Sara and smiles at me.

I lift my head and the others just stare at me. Mom looks at me with eyes filled with tears of joy. She looks proud. Everyone looks astounded at me and doesn't seem to be able to tear their eyes away from me.

"Hanna, you ..." André is speechless.

"You're more beautiful than never before!" exclaims Jens and hugs me.

"It's not too much then? I'm not sure."

"Not at all! But you miss one thing..." mom says and brings me a little box. I open it and inside I find a beautiful tiara with sparkling stones on. She takes it out of the box and puts it on my head.

"Now it's perfect" she says and kisses me on the forehead.

Oliver looks at me and smiles big. He bowing and reachs out his arm to me. I'll take it and we'll walk arm in arm out the door.

The gym is completely transformed when we walk in. The school council has really surpassed itself this time! It's like getting into Narnia. A whole hall that looks like a winterwonderland. They have used cotton as snow and a large disco ball sparkles in the ceiling. We stand among the other students and wait for the headmaster to give her annual speech, it's just as boring every time. We got to comfort ourselves with the fact that after that all the fun begins! During her speech, I look around among the other students. I stiffen when I see Kevin standing at the wall, looking at me. He looks like a predator looking for his prey. When his eyes meet mine, I see only pain. He has pain in his heart after I broke it. I try to ignore his eyes and him at all. Afraid he might come up to me. I knew if he did, I'd run right into his arms and everything would be like before. I can't. He didn't realize it hurt me to go too. He did not see my pain and did not feel my sadness in the heart that threatened to burst. A lonely tear fell over my cheek as a reminder that it hurt more to have him close than to be away from him.

The principal's speech runs out and the students cheer. Oliver asks me if I want to dance and I accept. I take his hand and let him lead me towards the dance floor. He puts his hand against my waist and I put my hand on his shoulder. I follow all his movements to the quiet song "little things". I put my head on his chest and let him swing Me Softly all over the Hall. When the song is about to end and the words ”I'm in love with you and all those little things”, Oliver looks at me seriously. He kisses me on the forehead when the song is over and other students clap loudly. They would have looked at us and cheered. Me and Oliver laugh together.

After a lot of dancing I go to the drink table when Jens comes up to me and asks if I want to go out for a cigarette. I nod and walk up to Oliver to tell him I'm going out for a while. He smiles at me and nods, obviously grateful that I told you where I was going. He was worried about me.

It's completely deserted outside. When the doors slam behind us, you can only hear the muffled music and the wind that wines around us.

"You're really beautiful, Hanna!" says Jordan.

My cheeks turn red.

"Now you became even more beautiful. I love it when you get embarrassed, you look just like a little princess."

"Can you please change the subject? "I say, embarrassed.

He laughs and nods. We're in the middle of a discussion about Super Mario when Oliver comes out.

"Come on!"

"Why?" I wonder.

"They will appoint the king and the Queen" he says excited.

It was a ridiculous tradition that our school has every time we have prom. All students who want, vote for a king and a queen. I didn't vote, it was not a good idea. We already knew that any of the popular guys will be elected king and Emilia guaranteed to be elected queen, just like all other years.

Nevertheless, we follow Oliver back to the hall and wait. Emilia's friends stand and point out again and again that, of course, she will be chosen, that she is the most beautiful. She grins and that grin probably means "Well, I know that." The principal goes up on the small stage with two envelopes in her hand and knocks on the microphone to catch everyone's attention.

"It has now become time to appoint the king and Queen of the winter ball! We start with the gentlemen" she says smile. She opens one and reads the note.

"This year's voted King is Kevin!"

His friends knock him brotherly on the back and applaud loudly. With a big grin, he goes up on stage and receives his plastic crown.

The principal clears up to get the guys to calm down before she says:

"And now, this year's Winter Queen is…"

Everyone waits tense while I myself feel bored and thinking about going out.

"Hanna!"

Shocked, was an understatement to what I felt. My friends applaud loudly and push me to the stage. With shaky steps I go up on it and receive my crown.

"King and Queen of the year!" says the principal and applauds.

I look around at the other students. Emilia looks angry as usual, my friends are overjoyed and Kevin standing next to me, he just grins.

When the crowd has calmed down and returned to what they did before, I am drawn to the dance floor. I had forgotten that it is tradition for those who are appointed to dance together. I feel Kevin's eyes and look up at him. We are in the right positions as I and Oliver have been before. "I don't wanna love somebody else" is played and I try to pretend like nothing. Even though I feel fear about the way Kevin looks at me. He looks at me with a very sensual and purposeful look. He bends forward to my ear and whispers:

"I knew you'd be appointed, a queen belongs next to her king."

As soon as the song ends I curtsy and thank him for the dance before I go back to Oliver who stands with Jordan.

"Can we go now?" I ask anxiously.

"What is it, Hanna?" they both ask each other in their lsths, they feel that I'm worried.

"I don't want to be near him after everything that happened, please..." I say.

They look apologetically at me.

"We can't go yet, we are not allowed. Try a little more, okay? Ignore him and have fun instead."

I'll nod gently.

"OK…"

And I tried. God knows I tried! But I could no longer ignore Kevin's gaze that did not leave me once despite the distance of over ten meters between us. He kept looking at me with ave. In the end, I can't take it anymore, I just walk away.

I've been walking for a long time and my feet ache after walking in the heels. I'm back at the lake. It's all quiet and I sit down on the bench with my head in my hands. I'm trying to tell myself to stop thinking. Why can't he let me go? Why can't he understand that I'm not what he needs? We should not be together, there is more poison than love between us and it will never be able to go. How am I supposed to make him understand that?

"Hi, Hanna."

I look up hastily.

Kevin stands in front of me with the same grin he had on his lips before. He's moving closer to me and I'm backing away. I don't know why, but my gut tells me I should leave. I try to walk past him, but he's standing in my way, refusing to let me pass by. I turn around and make the stupid choice to instead start walking towards the exercise track that goes around the whole lake. He's laughing behind me, and he's starting to follow me. I increase the pace and go very quickly. He increases his pace, and is very close to me. In pure panic, I start running, I do not know why I'm so afraid, the only thing I know is that my brain screams " run!'. The heels make it very difficult to run, especially since it is pebbles along the path. The distance between us becomes longer and longer, I almost think I have passed it when it creaks in my right foot and I fall into the ground. The ankle hurts and I try to get up, it's no use. I can't get up. Kevin stands over me and laughs for himself.

"You know you belong to me, Hanna. You're not getting away."

I try desperately to crawl out of there, but I didn't make it long before he grabbed my hair and pulled me back. He dragged me off the trail, into the woods. I fought back, but I couldn't get him to drop my hair. He throws me into the ground and lays down on me. I kick him on his leg, hard. He screams and slams to my face. The taste of blood spreads in my mouth. He spreads my legs and places between them. I'm trying desperately to move away from him. He punches my head and it spins. He rips off my panties and laughs at me when I yell at the pain. He puts his s*x in mine, hard. Without being prepared for the pain, I try again and again to get out of there. He keeps hitting me until I finally have no power left to fight. I'm just lying there, with quiet tears falling down my cheeks and his disgusting moan in my ear. I feel him penetrating me over and over again, it never ends.

"You'll never get rid of me, Hanna! No one denies me, no one!" he screams.

I feel something wet running down my legs.

He's laughing at me again.

"What did I tell you?! I make you wet and there's nothing you can say that denies it, your body tells me everything I need to know."

I began to feel more and more sleepy, it was a force effort to keep my eyes open. He screams out in ecstasy when he fills me with his sperm. He slowly rises and corrects his clothes.

"You are a dirty slut and no one else will ever want to take in you after this, I have marked you for life, because you are my w***e and no one else's!" He screams and spits at me before he leaves casually. I can hear him cry weakly:

"You're a good lay anyway, it's probably the only good property you have."

I close my eyes of exhaustion and the pain in my body. Tears flow like they've never done before. I'm lying there in my self-pity for a long time before I try to sit myself up. The pain goes like a flash through my whole body. It hurts both from my lower abdomen and my butt, I guess he couldn't let any of them be. On unsteady legs, I get up. I look down on my legs full of wounds and bruises. There's a mixture of semen and blood flowing down. I had not been wet as he said, he has only damaged my blood vessels. I take off my shoes and start gently moving home. I constantly look down on the ground, searching for my bag. I feel weaker and weaker for every step I take. My power is almost over and I'm falling back on the ground. Next to me I see my bag lying. I use my last strength to open the case and pick up the phone. I did not cry anymore, I just felt shame. The whole time I shook when I was looking for Oliver's phone number.

"Hanna?! Thank God! Where Are you?!"

"Help me" I squeeze back weakly.

Oliver's panic is the only thing keeping me awake.

"Where are you? s**t! Hanna!"

I can't talk. There's no strength. I hear the voices in the background.

"What's going on?"

"She said help! She needs our help!"

"Where is she?"

"I don't f*****g know!"

With a very last effort, I say:

– The lake.

After that, everything blackens.

I hear footsteps, someone is approaching but I can't move.

"Hanna!"

Someone's running up to me.

"What the f**k?!"

"Help her!"

"Hanna, please say something!"

I open my eyes slowly and see all my friends with me.

"What a great party it was" I say weak, with a smile.

Sara's crying by my side.

"I'm sorry, Hanna! If we had just walked away when you asked for it, I'm really sorry, I…"

Oliver cries heavily by my side. I raise a weak hand full of blood and caress his cheek.

"Please, don't take me to the hospital" I whisper.

"We have to, Hanna you are bleeding and you..." André silences when I look pleadingly at him.

"Jordan, can we take her to your place?"

He nods slowly, completely white in his face.

When I wake up next time, I'm lying in a bed. My body aches with every move. It seems cleaner than it has been before and someone has washed my wounds. Outraged voices are heard from the other side of the door. When I put my feet on the floor, my legs almost fold, and my lower abdomen aches. I shrug off my tears and stumble to the door. They shut up right away and look at me when I get out of the bedroom. Oliver comed to me immediately and lift me up. He puts me on his lap. His hand caresses my hair. Nobody says a word. But I can see that they're wondering what happened. I breathe in and steel myself to tell you what happened.

"He raped me... " I say quietly, and I could feel both mine and everyone else's hearts burst into the room.

Sara's tears confirm it.

"You want to talk about it?" asks Jordan with a shaky voice.

I want to talk about it, I have to. I won't survive otherwise. I'll explain what happened between my tears and the sobbing. When the story is told, Sara hugs me hard. My heart breaks within me. The pain from my injuries is nothing compared to the knowledge that the person I loved the most, had just raped me.

"Who was it?" asks Oliver hard. He's devastated and pissed.

I'm shaking my head, I can't tell him.

"Who was it?!" he roars.

I keep shaking my head terrified.

"Ollie, stop you're scaring her!" calling Patrik to him.

"I'm gonna kill him! He's gonna die that disgusting son of a b***h! When I find out who…"

He shuts up when he sees my face. My thoughts had begun as I listened to his words.

That's enough, Hanna. You can't fight this anymore. If you were hurt before, you're ruined now. No one will ever want to touch you again. Give up now, you can't do it!

I feel completely empty and no longer feel like crying. I instead ask a question, ice cold that makes everyone in the room drag by the breath:

"Why didn't you just let me die there and then, I was ready."

I can't hear the answers. I'm just thinking.: From now on, my last wish is to die on my own terms.

I look at my friends who look devastated. I'm not saying anything. I'm just looking when they're trying to talk to me. I will take my own life when you no longer see…