Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 4

“Dear Diary, yesterday was not exactly a success Kevin Kevin was here, and we started the school project on bullying and relationships. He called me naive because I still believe that there is good in people. However, that was not what made me react. What made me react was when he said” I want what I want, and I’ll take it if I need to.” What did he really mean? It almost sounds like he’s forcing the person! But no, Kevin would never do that! I pulled away when he wanted to kiss me. I shouldn’t have done that. If only I weren’t a coward…”

I come to school and, as usual, walk up to my locker. Something feels different; I can feel my classmates staring at me. I turn around and look at them. They quickly turn to other directions and avoid my gaze. What the hell is going on? What did I do? The feeling remains with me until lunch when my friends sit down with me.

“Is it true?” asks Dennis with a severe tone.

I look at him confusingly and wink.

“What? What is it true?”

“That you tried to sleep with Kevin and practically begged for it?”

“What?!” I scream right out.

    Why does he say that? Why does he even ask such a thing? Who goes around saying this about me?

What the hell are you talking about?

“That’s the only thing the whole school is talking about now. About how you were going to start your project yesterday and you kind of tried to get on his lap. How did you try to get him to start taking off and stuff?”

    I feel completely cold and look still. My body feels heavy and empty. I feel like I’m going to puke.

“It is clear as hell that it is not true,” says Oliver who sits down. “How can you even believe such a thing about Hanna?”

Dennis looks apologetically at me.

“The only thing I want answers to is if it’s true,” says Dennis.

“Of course, it’s not true!” I scream, angry.

The whole dining room looks our way, but doesn’t say anything.

“He tried to kiss me! I backed away and obviously hurt his ego!”

Dennis and André breathe out. They look again, apologetically at me.

“I’m sorry, Hanna, but you still have to understand that we get worried when we hear such a thing. It didn’t sound like you at all, that’s why we thought…”

“At least I knew it wasn’t true,” says Oliver hard.

“Surprisingly,” I answer without looking at him.

“What?”

“You had a lot of things to tell me last Friday that weren’t true; it surprises me that you appointed yourself some kind of superhero who suddenly knows what is true and not.”

    Everyone at the table goes silent. Oliver sighs.,

“I’m sorry Hanna, really sorry. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it!”

“Find out who started the rumor,” I say.

“I already know.”

    I quickly look up into his eyes.

“Who?” I ask with a dangerous look.

    He looks me in the eye and responds anxiously:

“Kevin.”

    The heart stops. I feel the tears behind my eyelids but push them away. It’s not the time to break down Hanna. You should not be sad; you should be angry! I get up fast, and the chair I’ve been sitting on falls backward. I’m stomping off to Kevin’s table. I can hear behind me:

“Hanna, wait!”

    Kevin is about to drink a glass of milk. He’s just about to take a sip when I blow to the glass. It goes down to the floor and is crushed in the same way that my heart has broken into millions of pieces.

“How dare you?” I scream right out.

    It is now tranquil in the dining room. Everyone’s eyes are on me. Kevin smiles mockingly.

“What do you mean, Hanna?”

“Well, I do not know, except for the fact that you spread rumors about how I threw myself over you.”

“But that’s what you did, Hanna, isn’t it? We both know it’s true.”

    I can’t believe my ears. Who the hell does he think he is?!

“What the hell are you talking about? You’re the one who tried to kiss me, and I backed away!”

    Everyone around the table laughs, including Emilia sitting and mocking constancy at me.

“Hanna, I’m appreciate that you have a crush on me. It’s really adorable, but you’re not really my style. You’re in love with me, and it’s okay but there’s no future for us.”

“Desperate much?” asks Emilia and laughs.

    I’m turning towards her.

“And where the hell did you get air from?”

    Emilia’s facial expression solidifies.

“I can’t help you being so pathetic that you throw yourself over the first best guy to show up at your place. You’re used to always being elected, aren’t you? that’s what happened to your ex, right? What was his name now?”

She pretends to think.

“That’s right! Robin was it right? He chose your sister instead.”

    I feel my anger increasing as her mouth continues to say words.

“You fake f*****g-”

    I’m just about to slap her in the face when I feel two hands on my shoulders holding me back. Someone pulls me backward while they at the table laugh at me.

“I’m telling you, she’s f*****g crazy,” I hear Emilia say before I get pulled out of the dining room.

    I’m kicking a trash can flying off across the schoolyard. I scream;

”You bastard!”

    Before, I slowly slide down along the school wall and break apart. The fresh cold tears run down my cheeks. My friends come shortly after that to the place I sit at. They all look sad. Oliver sits down on the ground next to me and pulls me next to him. I’m crying to his shoulder. He moves me over to his lap and swings me back and forth. I can hear in the background between my crying;

“How the hell could he do this to her?”

“No, I don’t get it either. Hanna’s a good girl…”

    When my tears run out, André hands over a cigarette to me that I quickly light, the thoughts are flowing. Why is he doing this? What have I done to deserve this? I was shocked when yesterday he so hastily tried to kiss me. If I’d known he’d react like this, I’d kiss him back…

    Oliver talks to Karin, who agrees to excuse me for the rest of the lessons during the day when she sees how sad I am. She knows what has happened before with my panic disorder. Oliver follows me all the way home. He comes with me all the way to my room. I throw on a too-big T-shirt and crawl under the covers. Oliver is about to walk out of the room when I say;

"Please don't go…"

    He turns around and gives me a sad smile before crawling down into the bed next to me. I lay down on his shoulder, and he holds me.

"Hanna, I'm so sorry," he says, stroking me over the hair.

    I close my eyes hard to keep my tears inside. We lie there in silence until Oliver says;

"What really happened?"

"We sat at the kitchen table and had just eaten. I had made coffee, and we started talking about the project. We concluded that we needed to discuss what we both thought. I told him what I thought, and he said I was naive."

    Oliver's straining.

"Then he said I was cute even though I was naive and tried to kiss me. I snatched away, and his ego got hurt."

    I told him about what we both answered the questions. I shudder. Oliver notices this and asks;

"You reacted to what he said, didn't you?"

    I'm nodding. Oliver's quiet at first.

"I do not like how that sounds. Did he try to do something to you?"

"No, he took his things and then went."

"Are you okay?" he asks softly and looks me in the eyes.

    I smile a little gently.

"I'm okay."

    I do not know how long we lie there in silence and just is. But when Oliver gets up, it's dark outside. Which in itself doesn't have to mean we've been there for hours, considering its autumn. I'll follow him down to the front door.

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay?" he asks and looks anxiously at me.

"I'll be fine," I answer, smiling.

    I walk up to him and hug him.

"Thank you."

    We stand there and hug when mom comes in through the front door.

"Wow!"

    We jump apart.

"Am I interrupting something here or what?"

"No, Oliver was just leaving," I say embarrassingly.

"I'll see you tomorrow Hanna. It was good to see you again, Karina."

"The Same, Oliver! Do not be a stranger; come across more often."

    He smiles and walks away. Mom silently looks at me, grinning.

"Don't start now, "I say and go out into the kitchen.

"Don't start what? I didn't say anything."

"I know what that look means, and it's not going to happen," I say, taking a big sip of energy drink.

"I didn't say anything, and you shouldn't drink that s**t! You drink way too much energy drink."

    I roll my eyes.

"I'm going to start cooking now; it'll probably take a while, unfortunately."

"It's okay, I thought I'd take a walk."

Mom shines up when she hears it.

"What a great idea! Why don't you make sure you're home in about an hour?"

"Certainly."

    It may seem ridiculous that it's such a big deal that I go out. However, this is the first time in years I manage to do so. I've had a hard time going out by myself after dark for many years. It creates anxiety in me. Apparently not now, though. I stroll and look at the houses I pass. In all windows, it seems almost the same. Families sit together and have dinner. I can't even remember when we all sat together and had dinner last time. Johanna doesn't live here anymore, and dad's death. It's just me and mom left. I choose to go down the river instead of tormenting my damaged mind by longing for something I will never have again. When I get to the bridge, I stop. My body, I lean against the railing and look out over the environment around me. It is completely quiet except the river that gushes under the bridge.

"Alone tonight?"

    I jump and quickly turn around; It's Kevin. I turn back towards the river.

"Leave me alone, Kevin."

    He walks closer to me and says with a soft voice:

"Come on, Hanna, I had to punish you for giving me mixed signals."

    I stand quietly and look at him. He takes one of my hair loops and spins softly around his finger.

"I had to make you understand how it feels. I can't allow you to ignore me when I just want to be with you. Okay?"

    He gently caresses my cheek and smiles at me.

"Okay."

"If I kiss you now, then you will kiss back. Right?"

    I nod, afraid of what my mouth might say if I open it. He presses his lips against mine; his tongue slips into my mouth. He tastes like coffee and smells fresh, freshly showered. It feels weird. He backs off and looks at me, smiling.

"Look, it wasn't challenging, was it?"

    I smile, stand in front of him, put my head against his chest, and look out over the river. We'll stand there for a little while. Does he want to date now? Or does he want to be with me? What will it be like in school now? Who will they believe? What about Emilia? We're starting to go back home. I'm trying not to ask, but I can't.

"What about now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I want to know how you think and feel. What's going on between us?"

    He stops and looks thoughtfully into my eyes.

"Hanna, this must not come out, do you understand? I can be with you and talk to you when we're at home or see you at your place, but not at school."

"Why not?"

    He sighs.

"Hanna, I like you. It's not that. But you yourself know how it is. Emilia and I have kind of become a thing now…"

"Oh okay...," I say, looking into the ground.

    He takes his hand under my chin and lifts it to meet my gaze.

"I want to be with you, just not at school. Okay?"

    I get what I get.

    "Okay," I say, smiling.

    He kisses me on the forehead and takes my hand; we begin to walk together back home. On the way home, we talk about everything, ranging from music to schoolwork. When it's time to say goodbye, he pulls me behind a bush and kisses me passionately. When he turns around and walks, my cheeks are entirely red.

"It seems to have been a pleasant walk," says mom smiling across from me.

"It's a little cold, but it was nice to come out and move," I say and ladles into the meat pot in the mouth.

"That's great."

When we finish eating, I thank for the food and go up to my room. I throw myself down on the bed and immediately start thinking about Kevin. It felt fantastic to be in his arms, to feel his lips against mine. But at the same time, it feels strange. Why does he want to keep this a secret? Is that really right? Am I doing the right thing that agrees to keep everything secret even though I am aware that it will ultimately be guaranteed to hurt anyone? I don't know what to think anymore; I feel somewhere anyway that it doesn't matter, as long as I get to be in his arms. It feels too good to be with him for me to throw this away. I have to be with him, no matter what. Cost whatever it costs.