Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 5

"Dear diary, I feel addicted. Dependence on his closeness, his scent, his smile... of all of him! He's amazing! I feel a deeper sense of life when I'm with him. He makes me happy in a way no one else has ever done before. He makes me forget all the bad things that happened and that happen around me. For him I do everything!”

I'm in the bathroom, and doing my make up when my phone rings. I'm hurrying into my room to answer. "Amanda" is on display.

"Hey, Mandie! What's up?"

"Hanna?" she says, crying.

"What happened?" I say worried.

"He just walked, he... he's gone!"

"Hey, hey, easy. Take a couple of deep breaths, okay? Where Are you?"

She takes a couple of deep breaths and says;

"By the river near your house."

"I'll be right there, stay there!"

I'll hang up the phone and run down the stairs. I'll throw on my jacket and shoes. I run along the way down to the river and am close to being run over when I manage to jump out of the way for the last second. Driver honks and screams;

"f*****g kid!"

I ignore the comment and keep running until I see her. She's never seen this mess before. I stay a few meters away from her and she slowly turns around. I look at her and she looks back, she smiles and then comes the tears. She runs into my arms and lets out all her tears. I hush and swing her gently in my arms. When her tears begin to end, I lead her to a bench and sit next to her. I hold her hand and patiently wait for her to start telling me what happened.

"He chose Summer instead" she says cold and stares straight ahead.

"Who?"

"Toto" she says and looks at me with tears in her eyes.

"What happened?"

"I don't know what to answer that question because I actually don't know the answer myself. He's missed our dates from time to time. He called me yesterday and said he needed time for himself. To think and decide who he wants to be. What he wants to do with his life."

I look at her and listen attentively.

"At first I assumed that he wanted to find out all these things and that it was not my fault. Because that's what he said and even pulled the” It's not you it's me " talk. As a f*****g cliché ... we talked a lot and he said that once he found himself he will come back to me."

She was quiet for a minute before she goes on.

"It still felt good to know, that he would come back to me and that he loves me. That it has not changed" she says smile.

"Then what happened? I guess it wasn't that conversation that made the biggest damage" I say gently.

She slowly shakes her head. Her eyes release tears that fall into her lap.

"At first I was a little sad but still okay despite the circumstances. Until I went into f*******: this morning and saw him tagged in a picture with Sussie. "My love, forever you and me," she had written. They went out with their relationship…"

She leans on my shoulder and I feel how her tears pierce my shirt.

"It's gonna be okay, I promise" I say, and slowly caress her her arm.

Amanda took the bus home after she calmed down and talked to her mother who called her sick from school. Poor Mandie... she really didn't deserve this. I wish I could do something, help her ... I know, I'm calling Patrik!

There are only a few signals before he answers.

"Hey, what's up?"

"You need to go to Amanda's."

"Why? What happened?"

I tell the story as detailed as I can and hear him during the conversation get dressed.

"That son of a b***h!"

"Patrik, please calm down... I understand you're pissed, so am I. But you have to calm down, for her sake, please?"

I hear him take a deep breath before he says,:

"I'm going to her now. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Take care of her."

"I will!"

I'll hang up the phone and get on the bus. I hear them long before I see them. Emilia sits on Kevin's lap and whispers something in his ear. He kisses her on her throat and answers her with something that makes her laugh. f**k, what have I gotten into...?

I feel her presence before she grabs my hair and presses me against the Cabinet.

"What did I say about getting too close to Kevin?!" milling Emilia through bitten teeth.

"What the hell did I do?" I ask and push her away from me.

"You obviously clung to him the other night! Stop acting like a f*****g slut!"

She's standing right now screaming at me. The wrath takes over and I slam her head into the closet next door. She falls apart on the floor and screams to, mostly to get attention from her buddies around. My friends come running and look astonished at the situation. They first look at my angry face, then at the dent in the cabinet and last at Emilia. Everyone's eyes are now on me and they're staring at me. I bend down to be at face level with Emilia.

"Don't get involved in things you have nothing to do with, watch your back and watch your ass close" I say, and walk away.

It's not until I get out of school that my friends catch up with me. They stand there and look carefully at me while I stretch my eyes in them. I feel the blood boiling inside me. I slam my fist into the school wall over and over until I see the blood running down my knuckles. I stare at my hand and feel the tears coming.

"Hanna ... you need to talk to someone, it's getting like it was before" says Oliver gently.

"I'm okay!" I scream in the face of him and start moving pacing. I'm Okay. I've gotten away from the place I once was. I'm not there anymore! I can't stay there.…

"Hanna, my office, now!" says Karin who just appeared around the corner.

I slowly follow her, I look at my friends when I go. Their eyes say everything ... I'm f****d.

Karin makes a gesture to the chair opposite her desk. I sit down and look at my hands. She sits down in her desk chair and looks right at me. She puts her hands on her desk and sighs.

"Hanna, I assume you understand why I asked you to come here?"

"Because I slammed Emilia's head in a locker?"

Karin nods slowly and looks seriously at me.

"What happened?"

I'm shrugging my shoulders.

"I just got tired of taking s**t from her."

"Hanna, you have to understand that violence is never the answer. You get a warning this time, but once more and you will have serious problems. You're lucky Emilia didn't want to do anything about what happened. She said that she understands that you were upset and is ready to put it behind her."

Hell no... she will turn my life into hell on Earth.

"Go to your lesson now" says Karin and picks up the phone to make a call.

I sigh and nod before I leave.

"She was crazy and jumped on Emilia in the hallway!"

"What happened?

"Nothing! Emilia says she's completely crazy and has been all the time. They used to be friends but she stayed away since when she realized how sick Hanna is."

It's Emilia's friends who are gossiping in the hallway with each other. It is very obvious that they are afraid of me when I walk past them and they choose to back away. Emilia has obviously said things that are not true, I am not dangerous ... not yet and not against them. I turn around and walk away to the gym. I take a deep breath when I accidentally step in a mud puddle with my white shoes. This is really not my day, as simple as that.

I'll go into the dressing room and sit down. Someone flushes to the toilet and I'm surprised when I see who it is.

"Sara?!" exclaimed I, in astonishment.

Sara grins.

"Long time no see my friend."

"Where the hell have you been?" I ask, and hug her.

"Here and there."

Sara was known for skipping school and avoiding school as much as it could. She used to say it destroyed her vibe. Sara wasn't like the rest of us when it came to school. She often felt trapped and suffocated by having to sit at school. She did not like to " take orders from others” as she used to say. Sara was a so-called ”free soul", she does things her way without spending the least amount of time on what others thought of her choice.

"How's it been with you since the last time? We don't see you anymore."

Sara shrugs her shoulders.

"It's been nice. I've had a lot of fun, but I felt it was time for me to come back and see what you've done this time. I have been here for a few hours and I have already been told about what "badass"you have become" she says and flashes.

I curl up a little bit. I don't know if ”badass” is the right word here... rather survival.

Emilia and her gang enter the locker room. She looks mad at me. She had started a whole circus about how she got hurt, what I could see, she looked all right except the bump in the forehead I gave her. I didn't slam her head into the Cabinet hard enough to do any serious damage. In my opinion, it was more conceived as a markup. Emilia chooses not to do anything. She begins to change and completely ignores me, which pleases me. I don't think I can even try to handle her anymore today. Gymnastics lesson goes well without mishaps. Emilia stays out of the way and I can walk away smiling.

I come into the classroom and everyone silences to once again look at me. They whisper about me. I sigh and sit by the window in the hope that they will catch the hint, which is that I just want to be in peace. Kevin sits down next to me and whispers;

"What the hell are you thinking about Hanna?!"

I know, of course, that he refers to the incident with Emilia. I'm shrugging my shoulders, unruly.

"I did what I had to do."

He sighs and smiles a little light on me.

"I get it Hanna okay ... but please, don't create more drama now. I want to be able to meet you, don't make things harder now. Think about what you're doing."

I turn my attention to Karin who just got into the classroom. She looks towards our quarters anxiously and I answer her concerns with smiling. Her corners of her mouth twitch a little, but she manages to keep her face.

"Today you will begin your semester work. You have to decide who will do what and agree on how to put the work between you. You have 40 minutes today to use. You will, of course, work actively together during lesson time, but the remaining work should be done at home and not at school. You will be tested on your argumentation technique as well as your ability to argue your case. Please begin!"

I open my book and write down what Karin just informed us about. How do we put this up in the best way? Kevin felt that I have a naive view of the subject and live in a fantasy while he obviously sees himself more like a pragmatist. Maybe those are the ways of thinking we should relate to and use…

"I think we stick to what we said earlier" says Kevin suddenly. "It will be much easier for both of us to argue our views that way instead of starting over again. We cannot argue for something we ourselves account for"

"I agree. The question is, how do we post it?"

Kevin's thinking.

"If we both write down our thoughts thoroughly on paper and then compare, then we can see the obvious differences more easily."

I nod slowly and think about what he said.

"I think we do that. How much time do you think we need to spend on this outside of school?"

"At least three hours a week, I think. We will still go into depth in our research and also practice arguing."

"Okay, that's fine."

I turn my eyes to the paper and start writing.

"Bullying, a word with millions of meanings. Being subjected to bullying is something that affects you both favourable but also psychologically and it can last a whole lifetime. Being traumatized by bullying is nothing that nowadays is especially unusual…"

I jump to when Karin suddenly claps her hands to catch everyone's attention. Time had passed quickly.

"Then the time is up for today. I hope you have made the progress you need, you have the weekend to develop your subjects on and I want your thoughts back on Monday. Do not forget to write about one topic at a time, it will be both confusing for me but also for you if you confuse the thoughts on the wrong topic. Have a good weekend everybody!"

I'm almost at my locker when something is in front of my feet, make me fall head over heels down into the floor. I feel a strong pain from my eyebrow and take my hand against it. Something's flowing down my cheek, it's blood. I turn around and look right into the eyes of Emilia. She stands and laughs loudly while her friends rather laugh a little uncertain next to her. I'm getting to the eyebrow again, which is now bursting with pain. Emilia bends down and looks me right in the eye when she says;

"Game on little b***h!"

She taunts and walks away with her whole gang in trains behind her. I'm still sitting on the floor trying to get my eyes to work together after the blow. I hear my friends around the corner before they stop in the hallway staring at me with big eyes. They stand as petrified and look at the pool of blood on the floor before they look at me. Oliver runs up to me.

"What the hell happened to Hanna?!"

The rest of my friends ' shock has now released, they react lightning fast and hurry up to me.

"Emilia" I almost whisper. I see stars before my eyes. I had slamed my head harder than I thought when I fell.

"Get some paper, quick!" I hear someone say in the background.

"Hanna, you have to get to the nurse, this can be serious!"

"It's all right" I'm rambling out.

After I've been dragged to the school nurse and wiped out, we'll all go to a cafe. The atmosphere is printed and no one dares to bring up what everyone is wondering about. I notice they want to know but avoid talking about it. In the end, Amanda gets tired of nobody saying anything about it.

"Okay, I need to know. What's going on between you and Emilia?"

Everybody's looking at me.

"Me and Kevin are project partners in the community and she doesn't like that. After the rumors that he started of me, she has assumed that something is going on between us when it doesn" I say and take a sip of my coffee.

That was a lie.

"It doesn't seem really healthy to imagine such things, she needs f*****g care!"

I'm shrugging my shoulders. Who doesn't?

"I'll be back soon, toilet break" I say and get up.

When I get back, I hear my friends talking about me. I press against the wall and listen.

"Are you saying Hanna's lying?" asks Oliver.

"I'm not saying anything about that, I'm just saying there must be a reason Emilia does what she does."

"I actually agree with Amanda" says Patrik.

Of course you're taking her side instead of believing what Hanna says is true!" says Oliver out loud.

"Neither I nor Patrik take anyone's side, we're just trying to understand how things got this weird, that's all…"

"Oliver, you still have to agree that everything sounds weird" says Dennis.

It's be quiet around the table.

"I think it's time for me to go" I say and make myself seen.

My friends look terrified.

"No, please stay" says Amanda and looks ashamed at me.

"No. It is obvious that you do not seem to believe that my story is true, then I feel no need to sit here either"

I put on my jacket and give my friends one last look.

"I thought you were my friends, now I know better" I say and walk away.

My phone lights up with another message from my friends. I can't answer that. How can they think I made all this up? I no longer know if my friends are as loyal as I thought they were. I feel the tears come and sit down at my desk to bring out my diary.

”I can't... Not even my friends believe in me. How am I ever going to tell them anything again if they're going to hesitate if what I'm saying is true? How can they do this to me? After all the years we've been friends, I thought more about them. I can't believe I could be so wrong. I've never felt so alone as I do right now. Oliver was the only one who said from a distance, but I don't know if it was because he actually believed the story or if it was because he really wanted to believe that his words were true. I don't know, I really don't... I can't believe they can sit and talk about me when I'm not there. If they have something to say, Why don't they just ask me instead of adopting things? Is it a great sacrifice to talk to me? Am I even worth it?”

The diary pages are stained with my tears. How did this happen?

Mom's knocking on my bedroom door.

"Hanna? You have a visitor."

I get up from my desk chair and get out of the room. When I get to the hallway, Kevin stands there smiling.

"Well, I just wanted tp check if you wanted to come out for a while?"

"Okay, fine."

I'll put on my outerwear and we'll go out.

We go side by side in silence. I can see in the corner of my eye that Kevin looks at me from time to time. He looks worried.

"Are you okay?" he asks me.

"As okay as I can be."

"What happened?"

I'll tell you what happened and Kevin will squeeze my hand when I finish talking.

"I know I shouldn't have said that. But it's too late to withdraw it now, you understand that, right?"

I'm nodding.

"That's not even the problem. The problem is, my friends didn't believe me. It's my side they're going to take and not someone else's, real friends are there to stay. Real friends trust each other."

"That doesn't sound like some real friends."

"It doesn't seem like they are.…"

"Hey, see it positive."

"How?"

"Now you can hang out more with me" he says and flashes a smile at me. It's true. Now I have no reason not to be able to hang out with him anymore. Maybe that's what I need. To be in his arms, drama-free.

"Do you have any plans tomorrow?"

"I was supposed to hang out with Oliver and the others,  but now I don't really want to."

"Would you like to come over to my house? I'll be home alone tomorrow night. We can watch movies and just relax."

"I would really like that", I say, smiling.

We go hand in hand back to the houses. We had gone further this time than we did the time before. This time we had walked through the forest glade right up to the lake. It's a beautiful place. I remember we used to come here when I was a kid and have a picnic. In the good old days before dad disappeared and Johanna became the false person she now is. Me and Kevin say goodbye a little bit from our houses. I watch as he walks in through his front door before I finally start walking. Kevin thought it was easier to do this to avoid anyone seeing.

Mom's on the couch watching tv when I get in. I'm taking off and I'm next to my mom. She strokes me over my hair silently while we watch the tv. a peace of mind and an endless love embrace me inside, my mother has that effect. I feel how my eyelids become heavier and heavier, in the end everything becomes completely black.