Chapter 16
2001 Words
"Dear diary,I'm breaking. The person who matters most to me, does not see me in any other way than garbage. I mean nothing, I have no value ... I am officially damaged goods that no one wants. The pain in me does not disappear. It cuts and suffocates me. Please, help me... Anyone, don't leave me alone in the dark…”
Friday, one day I usually enjoy. Today is hell on earth. My eyes are swollen after yesterday, I continued to cry long after Oliver went home to himself. How many tears can a person let go before drying out? I kick the covers down on the floor in pure frustration. When I sit up, everything spins. Probably a side effect of having your heart broken. Going to school today doesn't feel very appealing, but I know I have to. Oliver will wait for me and it's time to finish with Kevin, this can't go on. Kevin will listen to me, neither he wants to or not.
Oliver's waiting for me when I get to school. He smiles at me, sad and approaches quickly. We hug in a way we've never been hugged before. For the first time I can feel an understanding, a strength and a chance to do things right. He takes my hand and leads me away where we usually smoke. He lights up two at once and then brings one to me.
"It still feels really weird that you're a smoker" I say.
He's smiling.
"I know, I'll stop.…"
"I don't know how many times I've said that" I laugh.
"How are you?"
My body's freezing. Patiently, I am preparing for the panic attack that I expect to come, but it doesn't. Surprised I answer;
"Okay, I guess, apparently."
"You sound hesitant and insecure."
"Surprised is a better word."
"Are you gonna do it today?"
"Yeah, it's time. It should have been done a long time ago."
Oliver smiles happily at me.
"It really is! When are you gonna do that? Tonight?"
"No, this should be done before school day is over. I don't want this hanging over me anymore."
He nods understanding.
"I think it might as well be."
I'll send a text to Kevin where I tell him I need to talk to him and that it can't wait until tonight, that it has to be done as soon as possible. He answers me with a short message that both disgust me and frighten me.
"I knew you couldn't stay away, your treasure needs to be opened and I'm going to take care of that problem neither you want nor not" Not even the smiley he used can save that message. Oliver's worried about me. I hold up my phone in front of him to read. A dark sound comes from his throat when he reads, it almost sounds like a growl.
"How the hell can he say that?!"
I shrug my shoulders and try to take it with a pinch of salt. If it's for him or my own, I don't know, the only thing I know is that I need to do what I can to calm my rushing pulse.
"If he does something, you run, and when you're safe, you call me, you hear me?"
I nod and hug him. His body is stiff at first, gradually he relaxes and hugs me with such tenderness that tears of joy threaten to come. I really have the best friend in the world.
At lunch I sit where I usually, it's a habit. Even though I've got my best friend back, I don't want to take the risk of being annoying the first thing that happens. I poke in my food. My friends look my way before they nod at each other and get up. They'll sit down at my table.
"Hey, Baby" say Oliver and grinning.
I smile at him. For a brief moment, it feels almost as usual. Until a question is released around the table.
"Why did you hurt Oliver?"
My mood changes in a matter of seconds. I sink together and again feel a little, helpless. Oliver quickly notices what is learned and says hard;
"It's something that concerns us and no one else."
"Come on, you can't be surprised that we're wondering, " says Amanda.
"Let. It. Go, says Oliver angry.
Amanda ignores him and turns casually against me.
"What did you do? You can't keep it a secret from us forever."
"That's enough!" keeps Oliver telling her.
But she keeps nagging and trying to guess what I might have done. In the end, I get pissed and slap my milk glass down the table. It's bursting. The entire cafeteria is quiet.
"What the f**k?!" she exclaims, angry that she got milk on her shirt.
"I'm so f*****g sick of you now!" I'm yelling at her.
"I'm sorry. I'm just wondering.…"
"Shut up! I don't know any more self-absorbed human than you. You're always on everyone else and you should know everything. I can't take you anymore. From today on, we're not friends anymore, this time I mean it. Don't call me, don't text me, just stop. Read my lips ... Leave. Me. Be" I scream at her.
Everyone at the table is looking at me with his eyes closed.
"And if anyone has any objections about this, you can go hand in hand together with Miss Perfect here for a walk to hell with you! I'm tired of taking s**t, now I get rid of all the junk in my life."
Then I turn my heels and walk away.
I can't believe it, I was with a friend of mine. An annoying one that has been just as annoying all these years. It is because in this way that Amanda thinks is an egocentric and self-absorbed person, it might work for me before when I was invisible. But now, I see myself and I shine. I will never ever allow Kevin, her or anyone else to feel small again. I intend to be who I am and can't people accept it, the door is always open for them to go out through.
A smile shines on my lips. A relief and strength begins to bloom in my chest. My eyes close when I enjoy the Sunshine. Until a shadow appears. I open one eye and I see Kevin standing in front of me.
"Hey" I say tense.
"Hey, I have to say that it's brave of you to want to be naughty with me at school," he says grinning and starting to move towards me.
I stand back sharply and steel for how he will react.
"What's wrong with you?" He asks offended.
"This can't go on" I answer calm.
"What can't go on?"
"This" I say, and show with my hand between us.
"Why can't it?"
"You didn't listen to me at all yesterday when I told you how I felt?"
"Why would I do that?"
Now I'm getting mad.
"Because it's common sense!"
"I didn't listen because it was bullshit, it's not something you really believe in. That's what others have told you and since you are simple enough to bow to one's will, you listen."
I couldn't believe my ears. Who the hell does he think he is?!
"Easy to bend?! I'm not a lump of mud you can shape as you like!"
"You're broken, Hanna. You said that yourself. You are damaged goods and can not make decisions yourself."
"You know what, Kevin? f**k you! f**k you! I never want anything more with you to hear again, you know? We're over."
He's smiling cold at me.
"You'll regret it."
I snort and laugh.
"No, you're gonna regret it. When you realize what a big mistake you just made. Have a miserable life, your pathetic excuse of a man" I say before I spit in front of his feet, walk from there with my head high and a big smile on my lips.
I have done it, for the first time in my life I have taken the first step in what I want to do with my life. I'm free!
Oliver's waiting for me at the bus stop at the end of the day. He smiles big at me as I walk up to him with a stronger self-confidence than I've ever had before. He hugs me, we don't have to say anything to each other. We see, the joy in both of us. No words are needed, he is proud of me and I am grateful that he is there. It's nothing we need to use sound to say, our eyes say everything.
Once at home in my room, I feel both a calm but at the same time a fear. What the hell did I do?! The calm was quickly replaced by fear instead. My hands are shaking. I try to calm my thoughts and my pulse, it's no use. I'm completely hysterical and I can't handle myself. With shaky fingers, I pick up my phone and dial in Oliver's number. Three signals have time to go before he answers.
"Hey, baby!"
"Ollie" I say pitiful.
"Hanna? What happened?"
I'm just sitting around, crying like a little girl. I can't answer his question.
"Where are you?"
"At home."
"I'm coming, okay?"
"OK…"
I sit down on the bed and wipe my tears. Oliver's on his way, he's coming, breath Hanna... I say again and again to myself. I lie down because of the fatigue that has come after my tears. My eyes fall again in anticipation of my best friend.
Someone pats me over my hair, I can feel it. Someone caresses my cheek and kisses my forehead. I want to open my eyes, but I can't, I'm too tired. Someone lay down next to me and hold me. A hard chest against my back that keeps me warm. Someone whispering:
"I love you, Hanna.…"
This time I open my eyes when I wake up. It's dark both in my room and outside. The heat behind me is still there. I turn around and look into Oliver's blue eyes looking down at me.
"Hey, sweetheart" he says and caresses my cheek.
I smile weakly at him.
"Hey, when did you get here?"
"Fifteen minutes ago, maybe?"
"That's more like a question than a claim" I laugh.
I solidify a little bit and think back to what I heard earlier, if it wasn't Oliver, who the hell was that then in my room?! I get up and walk up to the window, hoping I might have dreamt it all. The window, it's open, it was absolutely no dream ... someone has been in my room when I was asleep!
"Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?"
I decide not to tell him about what I just discovered but instead start telling him about mine and Kevin's brawl earlier today. Oliver frowns almost annoyed about what Kevin said.
"He's a f*****g asshole, Hanna! That's what I've been saying all along, but you're so f*****g stubborn and you don't listen to what I'm saying!"
I crawl together in shame and try to make me as small as possible. Oliver sighs and caresses my cheek again.
"Sorry, Hanna. I didn't mean it was your fault, I just get so... angry! When I hear how he treated you and how you didn't realize yourself that you deserve something much better than he gave you."
I hug him hard and put my head between his neck and shoulder. I draw his scent into my nose and something clicks into my brain. This is not the scent that was in my room before, it may not have been Oliver who was here. Although I wish he had lied about coming there for such a short while ago... Because now someone has been in my room, I don't know who and I have never felt this threatened in my whole life…
- Writer
