"Dear diary, I'm beginning to feel neglected. Like nobody cares anymore. I guess it's my own fault. My own fault for pushing people away before they get too close. I can't forgive betrayal anymore, not in the same way as before. I have Johanna to thank for that. I want to forgive Amanda and them, but I don't know if I can. I may be able to forgive them, but trust is gone. There is only one thing I will not tolerate and it is disloyalty. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me…”
Kevin's gone, and I'm still sitting on my bedside. What did I really expect? Kevin has probably started to take for granted that there is no point in trying to get closer, because he will be pushed off just as quickly again. I can not directly blame him, nor would I have continued to try if I were excluded again and again. At the same time, I can feel one missing, even though I understand that he chooses to distance myself, I wish he kept trying. I want to be near him, I want to let him in! I just don't know how.
I sigh and get up. I'll go down the stairs, into the kitchen and turn on the coffee. While I wait for it to, I slip into my thoughts. I know I can't eat the cake and keep it. Despite that, I really wish Kevin kept trying, that he saw that it's not really about me not wanting to be close to him. Without it being about my own fear, I'm simply afraid of closeness. Not on the physical level, I think he's understood by now. There was a time when I trusted people, I put my full trust in my big sister and check how it ended. My own sister betrayed me and put a knife in my back, figuratively speaking. If then my own sister can betray me, think how many more people can decide to betray me and leave me. Not that I was sad when Johanna left, it was for me a great relief.
I'll stand up and pour the coffee into the mug. I'll have a sip of the hot coffee and enjoy the taste. I have been drinking coffee for many years, it was dad who introduced me to it. Oh Dad, I miss you…
I'll go out the front door and sit on the stairs. My cigarette pack is next to me, I look at the text written on the outside. "Smoking kills, stop smoking now-live on for your loved ones." I'm snorting. What loved ones? Besides mom and Kevin, I don't have anyone I love anymore. I'll light my cigarette and have a sip of my hot coffee. What is classified as loved ones by the way? Close may as well be the work colleagues or classmates, even if you are not close. They're in your vicinity, then they're technically close. What is the definition of close? That's also an expression, I'm not in love with my mother but I keep her very close and love her. While I'm in love with Kevin and keep him in love. What's the difference? It's just an expression, or is there a thought behind it?
I'll sigh again and have a flare. I think often and far too much, I was well aware of it. I used to try not to think, just today, however, it seemed difficult. No matter how much I tried to push them back, they showed up again out of nowhere. Kevin, My Lovely Kevin that's not mine. However, it is a great dream for me, to have him with me as my boyfriend. He means a lot to me, probably way too much. Maybe that's the problem, that he means too much to me. He obviously doesn't like me as much as I like him. Even if I wish it were so, I know it's the other way around. I'm sure he likes me, I don't hesitate, but he doesn't like me as much as I love him. Because that's what I do, I'm 100% in love with Kevin. This is getting dangerous Hanna! What if he notices it, don't you see for yourself how deep the water you're out on? I didn't mean for you to go and fall in love with him! You're so f*****g stupid!
A flinging from my cell phone interrupts my thoughts.
"Hey, babe! What are you doing?”
It's Sara.
"Not much at all, I sit on the stairs, chain smoking and drink my coffee right now. What are you doing?”
"I'm bored as hell! Please tell me you have no plans…”
”I have no plans at all.”
"Oh, thank God! I thought you were gonna hang out with Ollie and the others.”
"We're not friends anymore, at least not right now.”
"Do you want to meet?”
"Sure, you can come over if you want.”
"Perfect! I'll be back there in a minute, ciao babe!”
I'll put the phone down. Maybe this day won't be so bad after all.
Sara opens the front door and walks right into the kitchen.
"Hey, baby!" she says and hugs me hard.
"Hey!"
"I know what we're gonna do tonight."
"Really?"
"Yeah, we're going to the rave!"
"Where?"
"The industrial building down at the harbor, the yellow building, you know?"
I'm nodding.
It's not really a rave, but it's loud music, booze and all the other good you can imagine if you would get hungry!"
It's been a long time since I've seen someone like this excited about going to a party down in a harbor full of drunk stupid people.
"When should I be done?"
"The party starts at 8: 00. you can be finished at 8.30 and we can be there at 9: 00."
"Why should we be there nine if the party starts at eight?"
"Fashionable late, my love."
What should I wear? How should I wear my hair? Should I be hard made up or relaxed? I could wear my black skirt and…
"Hello?"
I jump.
"What?"
She's laughing.
"You disappeared there a little bit. Don't you want to come? You don't have to unless you want to."
"No! I want to go with you, I thought about what to wear."
"We have more important things to focus on!
"Like what?"
"Booze for tonight. We have to go to Dace and shop.
Liquor Dave is an older man we buy liquor from, blackmarket. He always gives us extra price because we're nice to him.
"How much do you think we need?" I'll ask and pick up my phone.
"I'd guess a liter of liquor and a plate of beer."
"Are we really going to drink that much?"
"It's Saturday, we haven't been out together in ages and we don't have to drink up everything if we don't want to."
I'll dial Dave's number and call him. This night will be epic!
Sara went away and bought our alcohol from Dave shortly after I called him. I've been walking around all day and I'm glad I'm gonna get out a little. When Sara comes in through the door again, I have just flattened my hair.
"As hot as always, babe!"
"You say it!"
Sara is wearing a dark purple cut knee-length dress and high boots to. She has made up herself to perfection and tupled her hair. A real party dangle!
"Are you ready to go?"
"Absolutely. Let's go!"
When we get to the Port, people are everywhere. They stand in clusters and laugh with each other. The atmosphere seems calm while there is something fishy all over the place. They look at me strangely and Sara takes my hand in her's.
"It's okay" she says soothing.
I keep trying to stay calm and follow Sara to a group of guys right at the entrance. They all say hi to each other and then turn to me.
"This is Hanna" says Sara.
The guys are looking at me starting from my feet up to my face, just like Kevin had done that night we were watching movies. One of the guys puts his arm around my shoulders and says;
"I think we should get along well, or what do you say, Honey?"
Sara slams the guy on his arm.
"Come on, Jordan."
He let me go and raise his hands in defense.
"Calm and nice, I just wanted to show my appreciation that you brought such beauty", he says and grins at me.
I introduce myself to the rest of the crew. Everyone seems friendly except Jordan who gives me the creeps along the entire spine. He continues to stare at me and grin unpleasantly.
"Shall we go inside?" asks Sara.
I nod and she takes my hand to lead me into the room.
The music is loud and you can feel the vibrations in the floor. It's crowded inside the premises and we have to push our way through the crowd to get to a table. It's one of those high tables that there are no more chairs without standing up. Sara brings out the alcohol and the plastic cups. She mixes a drink to each of us lifting her glass and cheers with mine.
"For a great night!" she screams and sweeps her drink.
I'll do the same thing and slam my mug into the table. Sara mixes new drinks and gets closer to me.
"What's going on between you and the rest of the chicken coop?"
She used to call us the chicken coop, me and our other friends. I'm solidifying. Is it worth telling? Will she understand why I feel betrayed? Will she understand why it hurts me? I'll take a deep breath and tell her what happened. Sara's facial expressions change as I retell the past. Now she looks angry.
"I knew it!"
I jump to her sudden eruption.
"Knew what?"
"I knew Amanda was a fake b***h! It is always on her terms, she should always interfere in things she has nothing to do with. It was the same with Toto."
I look at her amazingly.
"Toto?"
She nods.
"I'm not sure the rest of you know that, but I'm the one who started seeing Toto. Amanda took him away from me. We even dated for a while, when Amanda got into the picture, he started dissing me to be with her. I finally got tired and said he could go to hell,"
I'm looking at her, shocked. How could Amanda have done that to her?
"Is that why you don't hang out with us as much?"
She's nodding seriously.
"You're almost always with Amanda at school, and I can't stand being near her, not yet. I'm pretty much in school, it's just that I stay away from you so you don't see me."
"You know you can talk to me about these things, right? I care about you, you're my friend, and I want your best".
She smiles at me and takes my hand in her.
"I know that, Hanna. You are clearly the best in the group! You understand me in a completely different way and if you do not, then at least you try to understand."
What she says makes my eyes tear, it's been a long time since I heard something nice told me from someone other than my mother. She pours two shots of pure booze in and gives one to me.
"To anyone who can f**k off!" she says and laughs.
"To anyone who can f**k off!", I say and lift my mug in the air.
We wrap our shots and I can feel the alcohol burning in my throat. It's a pleasant feeling and I feel how it warms up my body.
We're still talking about all kinds of things while we keep pouring drinks. Some of the guys we encountered at the entrance have come up to ours away and talk to us. Now I'm starting to feel it's gotten too much and tell Sara I'm going out to take some air. She nods and keeps talking to her friends. I push myself through the masses and finally get out the door. Once outside I walk away a little bit and sit down on a bench to light my cigarette. I can feel my whole body pulsating and rocking. It has clearly become far too much!
"Is this where you're hiding?"
I jump to and turn around a little too quickly, I have to grab the bench so as not to fall off. It's Jordan standing there smiling at me.
"Has beauty got a little too much maybe?"
"Just leave me alone" I say tired and focus on my cigarette instead.
He ignores it and sits down next to me on the bench.
"Why don't you like me?"
"I think you're creepy."
"When have I been creepy?" He wonders. He's shocked.
"Now, for example. I asked you to leave me alone, and yet you sit next to me."
"I was just worried ... you look like you got too much."
I smile dry at him.
"I know your type. you won't be worried. You're just looking for your next prey."
"Prey?" he asks me confused.
"Your next f**k, or call it whatever you want."
I'll keep talking before he can say anything.
"Whatever you're offering, I'm not interested in. You'll have to find someone else to harass, kid."
I get up and wobble back to the room. When I come back in, Sara's still standing where I left her, now she's alone. I'm staggering up to her.
"Where'd everybody go?" I slurp.
"I have no idea."she slurs back.
"I think it's time to go home."
She nods.
"Your house or mine?"
"It's closer to my home."
I take her hand in mine and lead her out of the premises towards the busstop.
When we come inside the front door a moment later, the atmosphere is weird, almost thick. I sit in the corner of the couch and expect Sara to sit in the other corner, as she always did before. She won't this time. Instead, she sits next to me.
"You're beautiful, Hanna" she says and looks into my eyes.
"How ridiculous you are" I say and try me on a little uncertain laugh that is interrupted when I see how serious she is.
She slowly leans forward uncertainly. I sit as petrified but still open up my lips a little bit. Her lips approach mine and when they meet I can feel how my heart beats hard in my chest. She takes her hand behind my neck and presses against me. Her tongue find its way into my mouth and I answer it. I can feel how I start to relax and take my hand on her chest. She shudders and sighs happily. She gets up and pulls me with her without letting go of my mouth. She leads me up the stairs and into my bedroom. The door slams shut when she presses me against it. Her lips against my throat, teasing bites that make my whole body scream to be touched by her. She rips off my dress and buries herself between my breasts. She pushes me down on the bed and pulls off my underwear. Her clothes fly through the room faster than Kevins had done the day before. Damn it! What am I doing?! Kevin, What am I doing?! The thoughts disappear as quickly as they came when Sara puts her naked body over mine. She has a very pale skin with pale pink n*****s. I move her softly over her waist, back to her shapely ass. She breathes heavily in my ear. She moves quickly over me and it doesn't take long before we both scream out into ecstasy. Sara is quick to make us each a drink afterwards. I'll take out two sweaters and give one to her. We dress our clothes in silence, bring our drinks and go out the back. It's quiet out there and none of us dare say a word. We just sit there with our drinks and cigarettes. Finally, we look at each other, and Sara breaks out into a huge laughing fit. I'm starting to laugh with not long after that. We go back to my room and lie down in my bed. I feel how the anxiety starts to come and say suddenly;
"This can never happen again.…"
She laughs quietly.
"I know you liked it, Hanna. No matter what you're trying to imagine."
I can hear her breath getting heavier and heavier. Eventually she falls asleep.
Well, this became an epic night! Always ... actions have consequences and I do not even want to think about how much this will cost me in the end.