Chapter 15
1894 Words
"Dear diary, I can't do this anymore. This does not hold. I need to get out. It becomes more and more obvious that Kevin does not want me as anything more than s****l partner. It's time to stand up for myself and make demands, I deserve more.”
My wounds sting under the rays of the shower. The water is cold in an attempt to bring down the swelling. The pressure when I did the new wounds must have been deeper than the ones I had before, because it's swollen and didn't stop bleeding when I put on the bandage before I went to bed.
Mom continues to be stressed out about something she doesn't talk to me about. I'm getting worried that she knows what I've done to myself. I have to protect her no matter what. It would ruin her knowing. Just as she protects me with her life, I will do the same thing in my last breath.
I'll get out of the shower and apply makeup. I need it for my confidence today. I blow dry and flatten my hair. When I'm done, I feel strong and invincible. I smile at my reflection. With happy jumping steps, I go down the stairs. Kitchen echoes empty. Mom must have gone to work earlier. I'll have a cup of strong coffee and pour it in quickly before I hurry off to school. I need to get there earlier, I would have to talk with Oliver.
Oliver's at the smoke place, smoking, it feels wrong. He hasn't smoked before.I think it's my fault he's now a smoker. After all, smoking was what I used against my stress when dad died, after that I got stuck in it.
I walk slowly and gently to him.
"Can I talk to you for a second?"
He looks at me and nods gently.
"I know I should have said something and I'm really sorry I didn't. You deserved more than I gave you... please forgive me."
Now the tears are spraying and I'm sobbing loudly. My body is shaking vigorously. Oliver smiles at me and opens up his farm. I fall into his arms and cry out loud. He caresses me in the neck like he always did. He whispers quiet words of comfort. ”It's gonna be okay. That's OK. Shh. Don't cry. I'm here."
"Shall we go to the cafe and talk?"
I'm nodding and sobbing. He'll pull out a paper towel that I'll blow my nose in with a loud noise. He laughs, and I give a half a laugh.
We go to the cafe and when we get there, Oliver tells me to sit down while he orders. As always, he orders two hot chocolates, it's standard for us when one is sad. He comes back and puts down one cup in front of me. I put my cold hands around the cup and hold it convulsively.
"You want to talk about it?" he asks without looking at me.
"I don't know where to start" I say and look shamefully down my cup.
"Take it from the beginning. I want to know all about you and Kevin."
His jaws are strained when he says Kevin's name.
"It was nothing at first. Just a fun thing. We were just like you and I usually do. It wasn't a big deal. But then it became more and more. There were kisses that led to s*x. He wanted more and more."
"But he's got Emilia.…"
"Yes, he has.…"
I keep talking in what feels like hours. The words fly out of me. Angry, sad, failed and shameful words. I give Oliver everything I have to give. Answer all his questions so sincerely and honestly that I can. Trying to save him the pain with details is nothing he wants me to do. He wants me to describe in detail how things happened. I'll do what he asks. I have nothing to lose, which is why I might as well tell him the truth. When I finally get to the end of the story, he says;
"And the rest?"
"What do you mean? That's all that happened between me and Kevin."
"I'm not talking about that ... I'm talking about you hurting yourself again and not eating."
My eyes fly up in panic. How the hell does he know?!
As if he can read thoughts, he says;
"You've been my best friend since we were kids, Hanna. You can't seriously believe I don't see what you're doing to yourself. I know you and I can see when you're not feeling well. The reason I haven't said anything is because I was hoping you'd come to me and ask for my help. Let me help you just like you helped me. I made you a promise even when we were little, that I would never leave you. I'm here, and if you need any help, tell me."
I'm taking a deep breath.
"I need help with Kevin.…"
"What can I do?"
I bite my lip and try to figure out an answer.
"I need more than he gives me" I say finally with a sigh.
"I need more and I deserve more than I get. I don't want to be the other woman anymore. I don't want to be his dirty little secret anymore."
Oliver smiles.
"You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that. You've grown in the last few weeks. You seem stronger."
"I'm broken.…"
"You forget that you need to crack to be strengthened, a cliché yes. But it's still true."
"So ... What am I supposed to do?"
"You need to talk to him. Explain to him exactly what you expect from him if he wants your relationship to continue. Tell me what you just told me."
I'm looking down at the table. He lifts my head and looks me in the eyes.
"You can Hanna, I believe in you and I know you can."
I smile and tears of joy sparkle in my eyes as stars. He gets up and walks around the table. He takes my hand, pulls me up from the chair and hugs me hard. I draw his familiar scent into my nose and feel safe, at home. Oliver's closeness makes everything better.
Before we move back to school, we decide that Oliver should be there when I talk to Kevin that night, without being seen. I want him with me. Oliver agrees, and when I send Kevin a message, It feels better. He sends a thumbs up back. Tonight's the night, all or nothing.
When the night comes, I go down to the lake. Oliver will be under the bridge where I'm meeting Kevin. He will hear everything, be there to support and not be seen. There's a few minutes left until Kevin gets here. I bend over the railing and carefully look down under the small bridge that goes over the creek. Oliver stands under it and makes a thumb up against me. I smile a little.
I feel a hand that caresses my butt and takes a firm grip. My whole body solidifies. I turn around and look into Kevin's eyes.
"Hey babe, I missed you" he says and kisses me.
I'm doing a little half-ass try to kiss him back. He notices that something is wrong and backs up to look at me.
"Is something wrong?" he asks.
"We need to talk" I answer.
He pulls his hand over his face.
"Oh my god! You're pregnant, aren't you?!"
"What? No, no! We just need to talk."
He immediately relaxes and exhales.
"I think I know what you want to talk about" he says grinning and taking his hand over my breasts.
I gently remove his hands.
"I need more."
"More what?" He wonder.
"More of you" I answer.
"Why didn't you just tell me you wanted outdoor s*x again?" he says and moves closer to me.
I'm backing away.
"Not that way ... I need more of you in our relationship."
"What relationship? We have no relationship."
It's painful. It hurt me that he didn't see what we had as a relationship.
"Have we had s*x more than once?" I ask instead.
"Yes."
"Have we slept in the same bed?"
"Yes, we have."
"Have we been watching movies together?"
"Yes, but what's the relevance of this?"
"Have we had food together?"
"You know that, why do you ask all these things when you know we've done it?"
"Because that's what you do in a relationship. You hang out, have s*x, talk ... this has become a kind of relationship neither it was meant or not."
He gets quiet and looks down into the ground.
"I can't go around pretending it doesn't hurt me when I see you being with Emilia."
"It's my girlfriend. what do you think I should do?"
"Already there you should understand, Kevin! You have a girlfriend, which makes me the other woman. I don't want to be your dirty secret anymore. I need more and you if you can't give more, then say it instead so I can move on."
"Haven't you had fun in our time together?"
"Of course I have. But what we had is not enough for me anymore, I want a real relationship with someone, even if in the end it turns out that it will not be with you. This may not be a problem for you, but it is for me. You make me so angry when you pretend that this is not worth discussing even."
"I'm not making you mad, I'm making you wet!" he roars.
For a moment, I'm thinking of withdrawing everything I've said. But knowing that Oliver is close will make me not fold an inch.
"I'm not a toy you can play with whenever you feel like it, Kevin! I am a person with thoughts and feelings just like you. I've had enough of you treating me like I'm the most important person on Earth one day and the other as if I were a bag of s**t. Make up your f*****g mind!" I'm yelling at him.
He smiles a chilly smile at me.
"I'm gonna pretend I haven't heard these things you've said. I'll talk to you tomorrow night, it's weekend, and Emilia's leaving with her parents. I know you'll want something then."
He kisses me quickly on my mouth before he goes off the same path that he came whistling casually.
I'm still holding my hands and I don't know what to do. As petrified, I'm standing there. Oliver's in my field of vision suddenly trying to talk to me. I see his mouth moving, without any noise coming out. It's like a buzz in my ears. It's not until Oliver takes me in his arms that I realize I'm hyperventilating. Oliver lifts me up and puts me on his lap. Slowly my breath becomes normal and it is only now I can feel that my cheeks are completely cold from tears. How the hell can I mean so little to him that he can't even imagine having it any other way than it already is? How the hell does he dare?!
"It's enough now, Hanna" he says and holds me.
"Yeah, I've had enough" I whisper.
- Writer
