Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 13

"Dear diary, I have hurt my best friend. I've rumors to him straight up in the face, without hesitation. What happened to me? Since when do I think it's okay to lie? I've done all the things I hate myself! I have lived on the trust of others and now it's time to pay the price…”

The anxiety is still there when I wake up the morning after. It rips within me and is persistent. Why don't you just say I feel the way I deserve it? I have harmed the only person who has always been there without questioning the situations. He didn't deserve this, but I do. 

After all, I have to get up and run away to school, I know that. I have to take the bull by the horns and at least try to talk to Oliver. I can't stand walking around with the idea that he's feeling bad and that it's my fault. It must be possible to solve one way or another.

I get up and try to push away the anxiety when I go out into the bathroom. My reflection looks back at me. I look tired. I see and feel as I deserve. Hurting and breaking down his best friend, this is the price you have to pay for it. He deserved something good and nice, not something that ruins everything. I sigh and prepare for school in silence, engulfed by my thoughts. Thoughts that can destroy everything in their path and break down my soul into millions of parts.

When I'm at the bus stop, my thoughts have calmed down. Kevin comes at me with a smile. When he sees my facial expression, he hurries to me. He looks around before he hugs me. The anxiety slowly but surely flows off me when I feel his arms around my body. He slowly caresses my hair and puts his chin on my head. When we hear the bus approaching, he'll let go and back off. He smiles sadly at me before he goes to stand further away. The bus rolls in and Kevin goes in the back. I'll get on the bus up front and sit down right after I figure it out. I look carefully at the bus and solidify when I see Oliver standing with André a bit away. André smiles apologetically and seems to know nothing about what happened the day before. Oliver, on the other hand, look hard and cold, broken. He doesn't even look at me but was staring out of the window. I know the anxiety will creep back in, and hold my head in my hands. Please, let me survive this day.

The familiar fog lies above me even today. Nowadays it is easier to give in instead of fighting against, it has become more difficult to get out of the fog. Every day has now become a battlefield, it's complete disaster with everything. My days went from being happy and having fun, to the fact that in the end everything is only about getting through it without crying. I try to get through the day and try to avoid Oliver as much as I can, after all, it was his wish. The least I can do is respect that this is what he wants. When the day is over, I feel almost proud of myself, I have avoided Oliver and it has gone well! Instead of going directly to the bus, I'll sit down at the smoking spot. I'm surprised when I see Oliver coming around the corner. He stays and stiffens when he sees me. He looks uncomfortable but still continues forward and stays in front of me.

"Do you have a smoke?" he asks and looks everywhere but me.

I hasten to pick up my package and reach it to him. He picks one up and lights it up quickly. I'm waiting for the cough that always comes when you take a real blow if you haven't smoked before, it doesn't come. Surprisingly, I look at him and try to understand what is learned. He sighs and sits down next to me.

"Hanna, this isn't working. You're my best friend, but I need time. Alone. To understand what I feel and what I want. This whole thing with Kevin pathogens me" he says, pulling his hand through his hair.

I sit in silence and smoke, I desperately listen to all the words he has to say to me.

"Just give me time, okay? I can't promise that things will be just like they were before, then I would lie. Honestly, it is unlikely that everything will disappear. Things have changed, we have changed. After this, we are no longer the same people. I will do what I can to make my pain and anger go away, but I have to do it my way in my own time."

I nod quietly and feel the tears sting in my eyes.

"Hanna, look at me."

Slowly I lift my head and look at him. I look him in the eye and he really looks like I've broken his heart. Which I probably have.

"I miss you and I'm really sorry" I whisper.

He puts his hand on my cheek and caresses it slowly.

"I know, Hanna" he says sadly before he gets up and leaves.

My phone flashes again with another text message. I haven't answered a single of Kevin's messages. It's the shame that stops me. The shame that I've been as careless as I have been. My actions affect others too. The phone flashes again, this time with a call. I don't even have to look at the display to know it's Kevin calling me. I pull the blanket over my head and can hear the front door opening down there.

"Hanna! You have a visitor."

I do not get up, I do not hurry to the door, I do not move out of place. There is only one person who would possibly want to meet me and it is also the same person that I have avoided since I came home.

"HANNA!"

I will continue to ignore, and crawl down even more under the covers. I can hear the door shut down there.

"To the right of the bathroom."

Wait a minute. If it's Kevin, he'll find my room. He's been here many times, and mom knows that. As long as it wasn't a nice phrase.

I hear the person walking up the stairs and entering my room. The person sits down on my office chair and I hear the squeak from the one that is always heard when spinning on it. Squeaking, squeaking, squeaking, squeaking.

I quickly sit up and scream;

"Kevin, I can't!"

I'm surprised when I see it's not Kevin sitting on the chair. Neither are Sara, Oliver, nor any of my other friends. The one in my room is Jordan.

"Hey, beauty. Did you miss me?" he says and smiles at me.

"What the hell are you doing here in my house?"

He looks hurt.

"Is that how you welcome your friends?"

"We're not friends."

"We could be. If you just took out the stick that you seem to have run up your ass and stop being so stiff."

I feel the laughter bubbling in my stomach. It comes out loud and I almost sound like a choked seal.

"It's good to see you smile. I hear you've been having a rough time."

I look confused at him, frightened by the idea that everyone knows the truth.

"What ... what did you hear?"

"You don't have to be afraid, Hanna. Your secret is safe with me" he says and winks.

The blood is icing in my veins. I feel the panic coming and start shaking involuntarily. Jordan looks terrified.

"s**t, take it easy, Hanna! Calm ... please calm down."

The panic is now at it's peak and I start hyperventilating. My vision is getting black and I'm shaking like an aspen leaf. Jordan gets up and walks up to me. He sits down on my bed and hugs me. He caresses me over the hair just like Kevin usually does and the anxiety releases somewhat.

"I was joking, Hanna. I didn't mean to upset you at all. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, " I say with tears on my cheeks.

"No, Hanna. It's not okay at all. You f*****g had a panicattack! Do you need someone to talk to?"

I hesitate and think about his question. It's a big risk to take but on the other hand, I desperately need to share my thoughts with someone. Be able to ask for advice and a different approach to it.

I'm trying to calm down and control my thoughts. Jordan is waiting quietly for me to start telling him. I open my mouth and start telling me everything. How it all started, to how the relationship evolved into how Oliver found out. Jordan listens interested all the time and nods quietly to himself occasionally. When I've finished telling him, my tears are silently flowing down my cheeks.

"What the hell am I supposed to do?!" I burst out between my tears.

"We're gonna take a walk and relax, you look like you need it."

He takes my hand and helps me up. Relax, just what I need.

We were heading for the lake. I must have secreted some kind of stress, because as we approached, Jens changed his direction and went in a completely different direction. We continued to chat until we arrive at the port. We'll sit on the same bench that we met when I was at the party. He picks up something that looks like a cigarette but is not a cigarette, that's a spliff.

"What's that?"

"This, beauty, is what will help you relax."

"So you're gonna drug me?" I ask and put my arms crossed over my chest.

He laughs wholeheartedly.

"If I wanted to drug you, I'd use stronger drugs. You'll be dizzy and you'll feel better. You'll laugh more than you've ever done before. But relax, try it."

He lights it up and smokes a few flares of it to make sure it's lit properly.

"I don't know how to do it."

"Like this" he says and shows me how to do it.

I take it in my hand and do exactly as he showed me. I hold the smoke and release it slowly, looking at Jordan. He looks relaxed and comfortable, it is clear that this is his element. We sit there quietly looking out over the water. I'll hand it over to him. I get up and sit down at the edge of the dock. My legs dangle a meter above the water surface and the dark water reminds me of my darkening mind. Jordan sits down next to me. I raise my hand to show that I want more. He brings it to me. I smoke the last of it and then throw it into the water. It slowly floats away and soon disappears from my field of view. I lie down and look up at the sky. The stars blink faintly in the dark. A satellite flashes red. One hand lays over my arm. I turn my head to Jordan, he looks fascinated at me. He gives me that kind of look that makes you feel like a saint, something angelic, something magical, something that you don't think can be true. A smile playing on my lips. He puts his tongue out for me and makes a fart sound with his mouth. Laughter comes out of my mouth loud. Jordan's laughing too. Tears flow from laughter. My stomach hurts, and there's almost no air coming out of me anymore. I laugh and laugh until the tears of joy get sad instead. I lay on his shoulder, he holds me, let's me cry. I let out all the anxiety, all the hard thoughts, everything that hurts disappears as my tears fall.

"You're beautiful, Hanna. You're gonna be okay, I know that. I will be here for you, no matter what."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you want to be there?" I answer almost noiselessly.

"Because i know what it feels like to be alone in the dark. I know what it feels like to break. I know what it feels like when your whole world falls apart and I know what it feels like when your body can't take it anymore."

I understood. Jens was not a disgusting person, he was not egocentric and scary. He was just like me, alone, scared and hurt. He cares about others because no one cared about him. He got up out of the ashes and became something amazing.

We get up and start staggering home. We laugh and joke on the road. I'll hug Jens and thank him when we get outside my house. He embraces me back before he waves and walks away. For a moment, I allow myself to be happy. That feeling is very quickly replaced by fear, when I see Kevin standing looking out his window. He looks insane. I'll wait outside and expect him to come flying through the door to want to know what happened. It doesn't happen. He just keeps standing there. Quiet, still and cursed. Staring at me. He's starting to scare me. The cold look he gives me, makes my arms knock themselves out of discomfort. I can't move. As a petrified man, I'm still waiting anxiously for him to do something, anything. In the end, mom opens the door behind me and looks confused at me.

"What are you doing? Why don't you come in?"

I turn my eyes on her and start moving towards the door. My eyes walk back to Kevin's window, he's not visible. I'll go in and close the door after me.

I sit on the couch with my mom and watch tv for a long time. Mom's fallen asleep a long time ago. I'll put a blanket over her before I get up and go up the stairs. I don't have to light up my room to find my bed. I'm getting undressed.

"Who was he, Hanna?"

I'm yelling. Kevin lights my desk lamp.

"What the hell are you doing here? You scared the s**t out of me."

"You've refused to talk to me, then I had to solve it myself."

I take off my pants and change into a black linen. I sit on the edge of the bed and sigh deeply.

"I just needed some time for myself.…"

"Time away from me, you mean" he says hard and tightens his eyes in me.

"No, it wasn't like that.…"

"Who is he?"

Confused and uncomfortable, I look at him.

"Who?"

"Don't play dumb, Hanna! I saw you together!"

The ballet falls down and I understand who he means.

"You mean Jordan?"

He snorts.

"Jordan, what a f*****g stupid name... how do you know each other?"

"We don't know each other very well, and he is a friend of Sara's."

Sara would have both one and another to object to my comment that they would be friends. But Kevin doesn't need to know.

"Why are you hanging out with a person who's not your friend?"

"I didn't say we weren't friends."

"It didn't sound like it."

"We're, well... acquainted, a beginning to friendship."

"I don't like it."

"What don't you like?"

"That you run around hanging out with other guys."

"It's not how you make it sound."

"No, I know that, but what do others think?! Think about what it looks like to others!"

I look shamelessly down to the floor. I slowly walk up to him and put my arms around his neck.

"It's you I want, you I want to be with no one else."

I'll kiss him gently on his mouth. He smiles and takes care of my neck. He kisses me on the mouth. He'll let me go and walk towards my open window, probably the same way he came in. Just before he disappears, he says;

"It's a good thing you know, Hanna, or I'm gonna have to kill you."

He winks and smiles. He disappears and I hurry to close the window. The creeps go all over me. I now know that Kevin is my heaven and my own personal hell.