Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 12

"Dear Diary, it feels like things get better but even worse with time. When one thing gets good, another one gets bad. That's what they call cosmic justice, isn't it? In any case, at the moment everything is getting worse. I am not allowed to have Kevin as a project partner, I have personal problems I do not dare to tell you about ... how can I solve the problems? Is it even possible to solve them or is it wishful thinking? On second thought, I think I'm already a so-called ”lost cause”. I'm already lost. I've lost my way, and now I can't find my way home.…”

I've decided to avoid Kevin as much as I can. I'm not ready to meet him and explain. I don't think I'll ever be... Even I understand that I can't avoid him forever and I haven't thought to do that either. I just need to keep him a little bit away from me while I try to figure out what to do next. He understands, he has to. Even an incompetent lobotomated human being can see what I do to myself if they look closely. I can't hide this forever. I want help, but I'm afraid to ask for it. The moment I ask for help, I acknowledge that I have lost all control and I am not ready to admit it yet. It's just unnecessary, I can get out of this alone. My mother would be completely destroyed if I told her. She would blame herself and be sad as she became last. No, I can't expose her to that pain. Not again.

"It's time to wake up!" calling mom downstairs.

I give up a tired moan and get up from the bed. I wrap the covers around me and

feel like a spring roll. It is warm and comfortable here, someone would miss me if I lie still

here today?

"Now, Hanna!" Mom yells.

I get up and stomp on the floor for my mom to hear I'm up. On my dresser lies

my new jeans I have not yet used. I'll put them on and a sweater before I go into

bathroom. A light make-up feels right today. A few quick moves with the toothbrush, then it is

time to go. I'll be late if I don't hurry. Many say themselves work better

under stress, for me it has never worked. I'm either always too early or way too late, there's nothing in between. I'm gonna be late today.

"Bye!" I scream to my mother before I hurry out the door.

It's completely deserted at the school vector when I get there. I'm looking at the clock, five minutes ago. 

I'm already late, I might as well have a cigarette. I'll take a smoke and go over where we usually smoke. I'm surprised when I see Jordan sitting against the wall where I myself usually sit.

"Um, hi?" I say insecure.

He looks up at me.

"Beauty! What are you doing here?"

"It's my school" I say and point to the school.

"Hell, what do you know! You never would have thought that" he says, and dumps his cigarette.

He gets up and walks up to me.

"What are you doing here?" I wonder.

"Waiting for Sara."

"Sara?"

He nods.

"I sell to her sometimes."

"Selling?"

"Yeah, I can sell to you too depending on what you want."

"I don't do drugs."

"Yet. We all get to a point in life when we need a spliff or two."

"Oh, shut up, Jordan! says Sara who's come around the corner.

She hugs me.

"Hanna's not stupid, she is smarter than that.!

"We all are until we decide not to be."

"Just give me the stuff, Jordan" she says tired.

She gives him the money and he brings out her things.

"You saw nothing" she says and kisses me quickly on the forehead before she rushes off to the bus.

"Here you have my number if you need something sometime" says Jordan while writing down his number on a note.

He puts the note in my hand and walks away.

This day just gets weirder and weirder, the clock hasn't even hit nine yet!

At lunch, I sit and poke in the food. Lasagna stood on the menu today, despite this, I can not eat. It's my favorite dish and the anxiety about having to put it in your mouth is greater than my love for the dish. I put in a small piece of salad that I took next to and already feel the nausea. The drinking glass with water standing in front of me also disgust me. I give up and go to throw away my food. The carpenters are looking sour. It's wrong to throw food, I'm raised with it and well aware of it. But today I can not, it just can not! "We'll be happy for the food we get," they always say. But on the other hand, we're not gonna be happy about the food we get in forced, Are we? I'm hurrying out of the dining room to get to the toilets in time.

Liquid. It's the only thing that comes out of me. I want to get the salad I ate out. it can't stay. I push a finger down my throat and desperately try to get up the little food I ate, in vain. It doesn't want to go up. Tears flow and I crawl on the cold bathroom floor.

I snatch when the door opens. Several girls have entered the girls ' toilet and chatter wildly with each other.

"Yeah, I know. She's so f*****g disgusting!"

"If you're desperate, you're desperate."

I'm trying to figure out who the voices belong to. It's almost impossible, before I hear her voice echo through the bathroom.

"Hanna's always been a disgusting person. She was always walking around bullying the other girls in the yard when we were kids."

It was another lie that came out of her mouth. Emilia was the one who had bullied others, not me.

I slam the door to the booth I've been sitting in, open.

"The poison continues to pour out of your mouth, I notice" I say angry and look at her.

For a moment she looks surprised and ashamed. It changes very quickly when she realizes that her friends are looking interested in her.

"Are you gonna say that? There's no more f*****g fake person than you."

"What have I ever done to you? Honestly."

She looks worried.

"You know what you've done!"

"No, actually, I don't. Tell me, What have I done to you that's been so terrible that you decided to do everything to destroy my life?"

Emilia gets quiet and looks shamefully down to the floor.

"You know.…"

"No, Emilia. I don't know!"

She straightens her clothes, throws her hair over her shoulder and starts walking towards the door.

"Come on, let's go."

I'm still standing there looking at the door they've gone out through long afterwards. One missed and a lot of betrayal burns in my chest. After all, she was my best friend once upon a time, what really changed? Everything…

I'm still in the bathroom thinking about my life. How everything turned out like this. When it all got weird. If I had done things differently, would it have been better or worse? Would I still be alone sitting in here in the bathroom to feel sorry for myself? Would I have gotten anywhere in my life by now?

With a sigh, I get up and go out. It's time to tighten up Hanna…

The day goes on and ignorant as I am, I don't pretend to notice my friends when I see them in the hallway. The betrayal is still there. Dealing with everything with everyone is something I can't handle right now. The well-known fog makes itself felt. The fog that I have lived in the last few weeks without being able to do anything about it. I have difficulty of remembering, people and basically everything else too. I hardly remember what I did during the day when I was going to bed in the evening. It's starting to annoy me. That I can not remember simple things, as if I drank coffee in the morning or not. Is this normal or should I be worried?

My thoughts are dispelled by the fact that my phone vibrates in my pocket.

"See you tonight? ;)”

I'm smiling down at the screen.

"Absolutely! Seven?”

"See you then, babe.”

This day started badly, it seems to be getting better.

After school, I sit at my desk and work on my presentation. The focus is not there as it should. I look at the clock all the time and wait for it to be seven.

"Hanna, you Got Mail!" Mom is shouting.

I get up with a sigh and go down. She stretches out the letter to me a little gently and looks uncomfortable, almost stressed.

I turn the envelope in my hand and look at the sender. Johanna Skogholm. I'll tear the letter in half and throw it in the paper recicle.

"But Hanna.…"

I'll turn around and go out the back instead. With cigarette in hand, I try to calm my pulse and my thoughts. Why can't she understand? I don't want any more... whether I'm doing the right thing or wrong not to talk to her, she should be able to respect my desire not to. She will always make me feel guilty about what I do, she has always done and will always do. I do not know how many times I have been told that people can change, it is very possible. But it's not like that. Not Johanna. She's selfish, manipulative, and right through a terrible human being. Such properties do not disappear and can not be changed.

I'll put out the cigarette and go back in. My mom's at the sink. she's looking down. She looks up when I get into the room.

"Hanna, maybe it's time to…"

"No, it's not."

"She's been trying to contact you for years now and maybe she's just…"

"I. Said. No!"

My mom looks at me with sad eyes. She sighs and turns to the counter.

Okay, if that's your wish.…"

The time between our conversation and the meeting with Kevin is slow. You'd think I had nails in my ass, because I couldn't sit still and relax. I once again try to focus on my work, to no avail. When the clock finally strikes seven, I hasten down to the lake.

When I get there, Kevin's already standing there watching. I sneak up and put my arms around his waist. He jumps and quickly turns around. When he sees me, he smiles with his whole face.

"Hanna, finally!"

He presses his lips against mine hard and holds my face close.

"It seems that someone has missed me" I say between the kisses.

"I can't get enough of you, you're my drug, and I'll be your junkie."

He lifts me up and holds me against the railing. I can feel his " joy " to see me, on my thigh. He pulls my pants down with his. Underwear is moved and he makes entrance. I put my head on his shoulder and enjoy having him so close. I open my eyes slowly and solidify when I see who is on the other side of the road. He looks at me shocked and I can see how his heart bursts when he realizes what it is he witnesses. He turns around and hurries from there. I feel the sadness inside me. He saw me, the only person who always loved me from the bottom of his heart, my best friend, my Oliver.

I let Kevin finish before I hurried home hoping to see Oliver. He's sitting on my stairs. His eyes are red-edged and glossy when he looks at me.

"How long has it been going on?"

"Ollie.…"

"Answer my question, Hanna!"

I swallow hard, the lump in my throat.

"For a while..."

"And here I have walked around and felt sorry for you for the way you were treated, just to find out that you earned it all!"

I look down into the ground, afraid of what I will see if I look at him.

"Look at me when I talk to you!"

I exhale and lift my eyes. I've never seen a man look this destroyed.

"It's no wonder that Emilia treats you the way she does, you deserve no respect from her!"

"She doesn't know anything" I whisper.

He laughs mockingly.

"So you're saying that just because she doesn't know anything, she deserves it?!"

"I never said that!" I'm exclaiming.

"You don't seem to understand for yourself what you're doing and what consequences it has. Do you even care about other people anymore?"

I stand there quietly and just look at him.

"Hanna, I…"

He pulls his hand through his hair frustrated.

"I don't know how to do it or what to feel. It would be best if you stayed away from me for a while. We don't visit each other, you ignore me and I ignore you…"

I'm nodding slow.

"Are you gonna tell me?"

"My god! Is that all you can think about?! That you even need to ask such a thing ... No, you. This mess you get out of yourself, you're the one who put yourself in it. You know what hurts me the most, Hanna?"

I'm shaking my head.

"It's that you don't care at all. You thought of yourself the first thing you did when you found out that I will stay away. I wanted to see if you had the slightest sympathy for other people left, now I know better."

He gets up and goes. I try to grab his arm when he walks past me, but he quickly snatches away and hurries away. His jacket flutter in the wind when he half sprints from there. I feel my tears drain and the pain in my heart grows, I also knew why. Because I knew this was the last time he left.