Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 14

"Dear diary, I'm getting scared. Afraid Kevin doesn't want to be with me really, that I'm just his temporary hobby. What he said last night sat there all night when I was going to sleep. I'm sure it was meant to be a joke, but it felt like something else ... did I get water over my head?”

The coffee doesn't taste good today, it's way too strong. Mom only makes this strong coffee when she's stressed out about something. She sits opposite me at the kitchen table and reads frantically in the newspaper. Her shoulder-length hair is disheveled and her eyes tired. My coffee cup I put down in the sink before I go out into the hall. I don't feel like it's any idea to fix myself today. I can't take it. My body can't take it. I just need to get through this day, and then I can crawl under the covers in my bed again.

I'm late again today and I couldn't care less. Instead of going into school and going to my class, I sit at the smoking place. I pull my knees up to the chin. My cigarette pack I take out of my pocket and light one. I'm slipping into my mind. When did I stop caring about things? Was it when I betrayed my best friend, ignored Johanna or is this something underlying that was always there? Whatever the reason, I have to get out of this. I can't go around like this anymore and feel bad about how I get treated by others. Above all, not because I've treated them badly first. "Treat others as you wish to be treated." I've given them s**t and then I deserve s**t back. It wasn't until Oliver said that about consequences that I understood what he meant. Things I do also affect others and not just myself. But should I…

A hand waving before my eyes. I'm shaking my head to get out of my mind.

"You seem to have a lot on your mind."

Jordan sits down next to me and lights a cigarette.

"You could say that" I'll answer.

"Is it "K"?"

I'm nodding. We had started calling Kevin " K " at school so that others would not understand or hear when we were talking. It was I who had asked for it in fear of what could happen if everyone knew what I had done.

"I guess he got pissed after seeing us last night?"

"How did you know?"

"I turned around because I forgot to tell you something. When I did, I saw your face and looked at his house. I've never seen you look like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you'd seen a ghost. You looked really terrified".

My eyes go down to the ground. I'm looking at anything but Jordan. I can see in the corner of his eye how he seeks my gaze with his.

"Is he hurting you, Hanna?"

I'm looking up in a hurry.

"No, no! He never has."

"Not even psychologically?"

Again, my gaze falls into the ground.

"Even bad words or violations are classified as a form of assault. You're a good girl and you deserve to feel good. If K somehow treats you badly, you need to finish it before it's too late."

"He's not mean to me" I'm sizzling back.

"If he doesn't treat you badly, How come he doesn't want to be seen with you? That he doesn't even want to talk to you at school? But most of all ... if he's not mean, why are you so quick to defend him?"

He gets up and looks at me. Before he goes, he says;

"Think about it."

Why do the conflicts have to continue gathering in a pile in front of my feet?!

The figures in my math book slip together and ultimately look the same. Math has never been one of my strong subjects. I've always had problems with the harder stuff, like algebra and geometry. Once upon a time, I had had help with the problems. Even though Emilia is a stupid b***h, she has math as her strong subject at school.

I sigh and put my head in the math book. I hear someone approaching.

"I see you're in trouble again, Hanna."

It's "Salmon" the math teacher. He is kind as a person but is sickly boring as a person. He certainly exudes boredom. He's all gray. From his hair down to his light gray pants.

"You should know by now" I answer.

"I'll see if there's someone who has time to explain it to you" he says and goes away again before I have time to protest.

I moan quietly for myself. Isn't it enough that I know myself that I'm useless? Does everyone else have to know about it too?

The chair next to it is pulled out and someone sits down. I don't look up and crawl together even more in shame. One hand gently lays over my under the bench. There's only one person who does that. I look up, the green eyes look back at me.

"What's hard?" ask Kevin.

"Everything!"

He laughs quietly.

"It's not as hard as it seems."

"I didn't know you were a maths guy."

"I need to keep some secrets" he answers and flashes.

He begins to explain how to think and build up my numbers. I can't let go of the discomfort after what he said yesterday. But when I'm going to try to let those feelings go. I find it hard to concentrate, because his hand slides up and down over my thigh. His hand is a few inches away from my most private place when we both jump to the bell ringing out. He looks around hastily and pretends like nothing when he rises up to pick up his things away at his own bench.

"I hope you understand a little better now."

"I do, thank you."

My eyes follow him as he walks away from me. He smiles at me quickly when he picks up. I look embarrassed. By mistake, I look at Oliver's side. He's looking right at me. Pain and sadness is what appears in his eyes and something else, is he missing me? I put my head in my hands as I have done very many times the last. Forgive me, Oliver.…

After class, I go to the bathroom and stand by the mirror. The cold water I pour over my face feels refreshing. I'll go into a booth and lock the door. Suddenly I hear someone outside the door. The person walks in the booth next to mine. I don't dare breathe.

"I don't know.…"

It's Oliver! It's wrong to eavesdrop on other people's conversations, I know that. But at the same time I need to know how he is!

"She f*****g hurt me! I can't tell you, I promised I wouldn't say anything... don't you think I know that?! Just because she betrayed me doesn't mean I'm automatically doing it back... it just... s**t, it hurts me! I don't know how to be able to…"

He's being quiet for a little while.

"You know what, I can't talk anymore. It doesn't feel good that I'm in the bathroom talking about her and then avoiding her out in the hallway. I'll see you later after school. Yeah, hi."

I can hear him opening the booth door and slamming it again after him.

"f**k!" he screams.

There's a little crack in the booth door I'm hiding behind, I can see him. He goes back and forth at the sink. Pulling his hand through his hair. He looks like s**t and I've never ever wanted to hug anyone as much as I want at this moment. Tears flow as he moves towards the door and leaves.

At lunch, I sit just like the day before, at the smoking place and ask a silent prayer that no one will find me. I'm obviously not going to have that kind of luck. I pick up my pocket flask I picked down in a hurry this morning. André and Oliver will come at me without seeing me. I'll have a sip and keep hoping for the best. They laugh and joke with each other. They both freeze when they see me.

"Take it easy, I'm going ..." I say and get up.

"Hanna…"

"No, f**k it. I can't take it."

"You don't have to go..." says Oliver pitifully.

"You made it pretty obvious the other day that you don't want me around you. I just salute your wish" I say with a bow and take me another sip from the plunger.

"Hanna, are you okay?" ask André carefully.

"Hell, yeah! Cheers!" I say and take another sip before I walk away with a burning pain in my chest.

When I come a bit away, tears flow freely like so many times before and the whole world spins under my feet. I'm not going back to school, I'm going forward. It's not until I get to the port that I'm staying and realize how far I've gone. I look around, but I don't see Jordan anywhere. I'm sneaking at myself, Jens doesn't live down at the docks on this bench. I'll pick up my phone and send him a text.

"Hey, what are you doing?”

"Well, not much. Walking around. Not much to do. You?”

"I'm at the harbor.”

"What are you doing there?”

"Sitting on the bench staring.”

"Do you want to smoke?”

”I have no money for it.”

"f**k it, stay there. I am coming.”

I'm still sitting there waiting for Jens for twenty minutes before he throws himself down next to me on the bench.

"Hi, Beauty."

"Hi."

"Missed me?" he asks, and grins.

I smile back and playfully push him on his arm.

"I almost expected you to be here when I got here."

"Why? Were we planning something I forgot?"

"No, I'm actually supposed to be in school now. But I was kind of hoping you'd be here."

He smiles and brings out the cigarette that is not a cigarette. I light it and puff it to light it properly. The smoke tickles my throat. We sit there in silence just like last time. There's something calming about not having to talk. The silence hisses us to a quiet moment somehow. Jordan is the one who breaks the silence.

"So you dared to hang out with me anyway."

"What do you mean?" I wonder.

"Kevin" he answers and looks at me seriously. "You're aware it's a dangerous behavior, aren't you?"

"He's just protective of me ..." I say quiet and uncertain.

"No, Hanna. He wants to control you and decide on you. It's not okay."

"Can we please talk about something else instead?"

He snorts.

"The reason you don't want to talk about it is because you know I'm right and I can't accept it. It's okay, it may take time to accept such a thing."

"And what the hell do you know about that?" I say harder than necessary.

He looks sympathetically at me.

"Because I had such a partner myself. She wanted to control me in every possible way. She decided everything. What I would wear, how I would be, what we would do ... you always think that it is a phase and that it will be better. But it does not get better! Then you start thinking that you can make the person want to change and pull yourself down even more in the swamp. People like them do not want to change, never will and can not change. People who are this way destroy what is beautiful in this world and care only for themselves. They don't care if other people fall apart around them, as long as they have something to gain from it. They destroy what is strong and bright, make it something dark and broken instead. I myself have been broken down and I will not allow it to happen to you."

I sit quietly and try to think of something to say. What do you say to someone who just opened up about something so important?

"You're wondering why I'm guessing. I once had a friend who was just like you, beautiful and caring. She met a guy who broke her down completely and changed her, to something terrible, something that was the opposite of her innermost being. In the end, it went too far and she couldn't stand the demands he put on her anymore. She chose to end her life. There was nothing I could do to stop her!"

He slams his fist in the bench and puts his head in his hands. I lift his head and put my arms around him. He shakes in my arms and all I can do is caress his back. It hurts me to see him hurt this way. Even though we don't know each other very well, I've started caring about him. No one should have to walk around and carry on such pain. He moves away from my arms after a little while and lonely his eyes. He smiles weakly at me.

"Thanks, Hanna. Sitting like this with you, I almost feel like she was still here with me."

I'm twitching. Am I just a replacement? Something temporary? Just like Kevin ... is that what I am for others? Something they take as a second choice when they have nothing better to do?

Despite my inner pain, I paste a smile. Soon after I get up and say goodbye. Jordan looks confused, but says nothing about it. He only hugs me before I start going home.

Once in my room I sit on my wooden floor and stare. The thoughts of the past come back in waves and remind me of how little I mean to the people in my vicinity. That I'm just something that fits when it suits them ... the anxiety is pouring on me like so many times before. I pick up my razor without hesitation and put a cut over my thigh. The previous wounds have healed and leave behind weak scars. The new wounds give a beautiful contrast to the old ones. Tears do not flow. I have learned to handle the tears when I get rid of my anxiety. This is the only way I can. I have to control and keep an eye on the situation. When the anxiety is gone, I pull my pants back up and hide the razor blade. No one can know, no one will know. This is something I have to do. Otherwise, the darkness will eat me from within and I am not prepared to face my demons yet ... God, what the hell have I got into?!