Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 11

"Dear Diary, The Night With Sara was a mistake. Admittedly a very beautiful one, however, it does not change the fact that it was wrong made of me. Sara did nothing wrong with this, the responsibility lies entirely with me. She couldn't know what kind of relationship I have with Kevin.no one can know about it. The moment it comes out, hell starts on Earth.”

When I woke up in the morning, Sara had already left. It may seem unpleasant or that she did not want to be there, I knew her better and knew that it was not about it. Sara was such a person. She does what she wants and does it whenever she wants. If she felt she needed to get out of here, she had guaranteed a good reason for that.

I'm still in bed smelling Sara's pillow. I've always liked her scent, a sweet and slightly tart scent. Almost like candy. I drop the pillow and turn to my alarm clock. It's only eight o'clock and my head is pounding with an headache from hell, what am I doing awake? I had forgotten to pull down the blinds down the day before and therefore get up to pull it down. When it is pulled down, I feel the nausea and dizziness. I slowly stagger to the bathroom while trying to keep my balance and not vomit. Once in the bathroom I sit on the floor and tilt my head towards the toilet bowl, prepared in case contains in my stomach decides to evacuate. The first minutes go pretty well, I feel almost normal and therefore decide to try to get up. I shouldn't have. Shortly after that, the nausea will rinse in again like a storm and squirt out of me into the bathroom. It burns in my stomach. I sit down on the floor again, leaning my head against the cold shower cabin. It's cool to my temple. It was not at all weird that I became nauseous after all the alcohol we poured into us yesterday, along with the fact that I had barely eaten anything in a very long time should speak for a great disaster. I relax and feel my eyelids slamming shut again. Silence hisses me to sleep.

"Hanna?!"

I jump to the sudden sound. I slowly open my eyes and carefully look up. Kevin stands

me, with concern written all over his face. That beautiful face.

"Why didn't you open the door when I knocked?"

I look confused at him and try to get my brain to work together. He looks at the toilet seat and

then on me.

"What the hell happened?"

"Party" I say quietly and feel how the eyes go again.

I can feel his strong arms around my body as he lifts me up from the floor and carries me in to

my bed. He puts me down gently, sits down next to me and says;

"It got a little too much yesterday, I guess?"

"No.…"

I hear him laughing low before it gets cold where he's been sitting. Where'd he go?! He leaves me

again?

It turns out that my own concern was unnecessarily, a few minutes later he comes in with

painkillers and a large glass of cold water.

"Take this" he says, and hands me the pills.

I obey and feel how the nausea comes back. I'll put my head back on the pillow. Despite

that I close my eyes, I can feel his presence.

"Hold me" I say pitiful.

His clothes give away a light thud as they touch the floor. He crawls down next to me in bed

keep me close. It's only when I feel his body heat towards me that I realize how much I

shook and froze.

"I missed you all day yesterday Hanna.…"

It's the last thing I hear him say before I slide back into the darkness.

"Hanna?"

I slowly open my eyes and try to locate the sound. It's mom who's in the doorway.

She comes into the room and sits next to me on the bed. I turn my eyes to the other

part of the bed, Kevin's not there.

"Are you okay?" she wonders and looks worried at me.

"It's okay."

"Are you sick?"

"No, I'm hung over."

She's laughing at me.

"In other words, you feel like you deserve."

"Aren't you mad?"

"Why would I be angry? You are a teenager and even if I say you are not allowed to drink alcohol

you're sure to do it anyway. I can't stop you. What I can do is hope

on the fact that you drink responsibly and do not do nonsense."

She goes to bed next to me and looks up to the ceiling.

"How was the conference?" I ask and turn against her.

"Boring. We were promised there would be time to look around a little in the city."

"I guess that didn't happen."

She's shaking her head.

"No, it didn't. What Have you done this weekend?"

"Not so much. Besides the party last night, I've only been home."

"Everything okay?"

I'm nodding.

"That's nice. I was almost worried when you didn't hear from me once."

She's getting up.

"I think you should come up and try to eat some. I was going to order thai food."

She goes out and closes the door. The anxiety comes right this time.

I do not want to eat,do I have to eat? My body doesn't want me to eat. I'm already disgusting and fat! The food hurts me and makes me feel bad. Kevin won't want me... I have to do this, I have to punish myself for allowing myself to feel like this s**t! When I become slim, I can stop and be happy again. That's the way it has to be.

I'm going down to mom in the kitchen. She's ready with the phone.

"What do you want?" She wonders.

"Do they have salad?"

She looks at me amazingly.

"I guess they have, what surprises me is that you get to choose freely and choose a salad."

"I'm not very hungry."

She diales the number and calls the Thai restaurant.

" No dressing" I whisper to her and slip into the bathroom.

I stand there in front of the mirror and look at myself. I'm pale and I have bags under my eyes. I will now face my greatest enemy, the scale. I stand on it and it shows 56 kilos. My legs are shaking and I fall down to the floor. Tears flow down my cheeks. Why do I have to be so fat?! Why do I have to be this ugly and useless?! Why can't I just be slim and happy ... I pick up a one-time razor out of the box at the sink and make a spike incision across the inside of the thigh. Blood flows down and make patterns on the white tile floor when the drops fall. The anxiety subsides and I can breathe calmer, the pulse slows down. I look at the blood that pulsates out of my body fascinated, it's almost beautiful, terrifying.

"Hanna, the food's here!"

I must have been in the bathroom longer than I thought. The panic increases when I hear mom walking up the stairs and trying to open the bathroom door.

"I have to go to the bathroom."

I get up quickly and take paper to wipe up the blood from the floor while mom keeps knocking outside. I'll dry up the last one and flush the paper down the toilet.

"What are you doing in there?"

I'm just about to unlock when I remember myself,  the leg! I quickly pull a roll of gauze out of the cabinet and wrap it around the thigh. My pajama shorts just hides it. I paste a smile and unlock the door.

"I'm sorry, my stomach is a little frayed" I say apologetic and hurry into my room before she has time to say anything.

I dig in my dresser after a couple of sweatpants, I know I'll have a lot of them. In the end, I find a couple of blacks that I put on before I take a deep breath to go down and eat.

During dinner, Mom nonstop talks about her conference and the people who have been with. I listen half-heartedly and poke in my salad, to eat it feels like an impossibility. Mom suddenly looks at me seriously, she's on to me. I take a big chew of lettuce and put it in my mouth. She immediately relaxes and continues to talk. I'm not free until her work phone rings and she runs out the hall to answer. This is a perfect opportunity! I throw down the salad in the almost full garbage bag, tie it together and take it out with me to throw it away. Despite the fact that my stomach screams for food, I can not but feel a strong joy, I could resist!

I'm in the training track with my training clothes on and skinned. I've run three laps around the lake this time. My whole body hates me right now and all I can do is smile. I'm in control, after all, I still have my control!

"What are you doing here?"

I turn around and there's Kevin, wearing gray sweatpants and a thick sweater.

"Running" I pant.

"I think it looks like you're standing still" he says  grinning.

"I'm just taking a break."

"So you're gonna run more?"

I wasn't gonna do it, but something tells me I should nod and that's exactly what I'm doing.

"I'm gonna run two laps before I go home, you want to come?"

I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but be around him.

"If you can keep up" I tell him and wink.

He laughs and starts jogging. I'm following. We jog there, side by side. We don't talk in the meantime, we just run. When we get halfway into the second lap, I start to see stars before my eyes. My eyes flack open and closed. It turns black from time to time. I have to make a lot of effort now so as not to faint. My body is shutting down. My lungs feel like they're about to explode from the effort. I barely have time to stop at the sign where we started, before I fall apart on the ground. Kevin's fast there trying to talk to me. I can see his mouth moving, but I can not perceive a word of what he says. It bolts too high in my ears to make me hear anything. He supports me up to the bench where we sit down. He gives me his water bottle and I have a big sip. When my breathing starts to get normal, he asks me:

"Are you in bad condition? Because it doesn't look like that."

I'm shaking my head.

"I'm just tired," I answer.

"Hanna, this isn't being tired. This is to be completely exhausted. How far would you have run before we met?"

"Not very far" I say evasive.

"How far?!" he says between teeth.

"Three laps" I answer quietly.

"Three laps?! So you've run five laps in total! It's over a mile and a half Hanna! This is dangerous, you need to rest between them otherwise your body will begin to shut down and hate you." If only he knew it already did.

"Are you eating properly? I've seen you eat at school, but I always think it looks too little."

"Yes, I do."

I'm lying. I lie Kevin straight up in the face and am not ashamed of it. He doesn't have to know the truth. He doesn't know how much I hate my body, how much I hate myself…

After a while in silence, he rises up and stretches out his hand to me, I take it and get up. We start going home slowly. He strokes his thumb over my knuckles. I almost get tearful of the little soft gesture and the only thing I can think about is that he actually cares about me. Had I been insecure before, I was absolutely sure now. Kevin cares, for real!

When I wake up in the morning the day after, every muscle in my body aches. It is a physical effort to get up from the bed and get dressed. It's completely quiet and dark in the house, mom probably went to work earlier. I'll pour myself a quick cup of coffee before I throw on my outer clothing and go to school. Actually, I don't have to leave yet, I choose to take the former bus to avoid having to face Kevin. He's onto me, and I don't want him to know. 

It's cold outside and the first snow has come during the night. I can watch Kevin go hand in hand with Emilia from his house, I decide to start going towards school instead. I don't want to meet Kevin and certainly not with Emilia. I'll pick up the pace and get out of there. I turn around and see Emilia hugging Kevin. He looks at me over her shoulder and gives me a sad look. I continue to move forward, ignoring the tears in my eyes. How well did it go to avoid him…

If you ignore a few students who are early, it is completely quiet and deserted in the school corridors. Why haven't I been early before?! This is wonderful with a little peace and quiet before all students storm in, that's when the chaos begins. "School cafeteria is now open" is heard from the speakers, I start walking towards the dining room at a calm pace and feel pretty okay. I'll order my coffee and give her a 20. At home and in most other places that offer coffee, I prefer the old fashioned brewing coffee. Here at school it is different and has always been, here it is cappuccino that attracts on me. A smoking hot cardboard mug with my coffee slides in front of me and I lift the mug to my lips. I have always been told that there is something "wrong" with me because I can pour in me scalded hot coffee without having to blow on it before, it's just that I actually blow. Not much, but a little bit. Probably, I do it fast enough for it not to be noticed. I have a number of hidden talents. I prefer, for example, the warm side of the pillow instead of the cold one. I'm very weird as a person, really not like everyone else. While the others come with their dots, I proudly show off my stripes. Maybe that's why I'm alone ... ' maybe it's time to ask for help. I'm not feeling well and it's obvious enough that even I can't even ignore it anymore ... I take my warm mug and go out into the hallway. Karin stands and talks to another teacher a bit away, I decide to go forward. I'm waiting patiently for them to finish talking.

"Hanna? What can I do for you?"

Emilia walks by and grins mockingly at me like she knows she broke me down.

"Um, nothing. I was just wondering when we should have the presentation in class?"

"Oh! Yeah, it won't be for a few weeks. Just before Christmas break."

I'm nodding.

"Okay, thanks."

I turn around and walk away.

The rest of the day I walk around like a fog. After seeing Emilia and Kevin practically sit on each other during lunch, my energy completely disappeared. I feel like a zombie when I pull myself off to my last lesson for the day, the project. When I get into the classroom, Kevin stands at the desk talking to Karin. They both shine up when they see me.

"I just complimented Kevin here for your outstanding work so far! "says Karin.

"It's all for Hannah!" says Kevin.

"You both have written down your thoughts thoroughly and in detail, I can really see the contrast between your thoughts. You've really been doing great!"

Me and Kevin smile at each other.

"Now there have been some changes to the work that we need to discuss."

We look at Karin amazingly.

"What changes?" I wonder.

"Yes, you understand, Hanna. There have been problems between a number of other of your classmates regarding the construction of the work. From now on, you will work independently with your opinions and you will have other partners who stand for the same things as yourself."

I'm staring at Karin. Who decided this?

"You,  Hanna, will cooperate with Mattias later when you will argue your case."

"But Kevin and who..."

I'll shut up when I see who just got in the door.

"Emilia, I'm glad you changed your mind and wanted to participate, says Karin. Emilia is now your partner Kevin, go sit down at your seats. It's time to start!"

Emilia smiles mockingly at me and Kevin gives me a sad look before he sits down next to her. I sigh and go to the back of the room where Mattias sits. He looks at me and says nervously;

"Hi, Hanna."

"Hi."

Mattias is a nervous guy. He is not very social and does not have a lot of friends, but he is smart and very tech interested. Which will be a great advantage for me when it's time to make our presentations. Although I am happy that I am allowed to cooperate with a competent person, I can not help but feel sorry that I will not work with Kevin any more. Now we can not see our work as friendly and also not discuss it with each other. I'm sorry, Kevin, but I have to focus on winning the argument. From now on, we're project enemies.