A Shade of Midnight

TWENTY-TWO

I called the house the mountain cabin. Last night, I slept in the couch at nang magising ako, agad ko namang nilibot ang buong bahay. It was perched atop a rocky mountain at kitang-kita ko ang mga bundok sa paligid and the lush forest around it. It was just like the house on top of the Court of Darkness but this one is quieter, calmer. It has solitude that I need in the meantime. 

Nang nagpunta ako sa banyo ay doon ko nakita ang bathtub na tila nakalibing sa sahig. It was large and I bet Raven, Az, and Bry could fit in there. Agad kong hinanda ang pampaligo. I did not bother heating the water. Agad akong tumapak sa tubig. Hissing and wincing, I settled on the tub. 

Three days I had no bath and I am itching to get cleaned. After the training I had done in the mountains, I needed something refreshing. Kaya naman tiniis ko ang lamig habang nakaupo ako sa tubig. I curled my knees and rested my chin on top of it. I closed my eyes and sighed. I should get cleaned. Kaya naman kinuha ko ang sabon na naroon. It smelled of pine. Nang matapos ako, naupo ako sa gilid ng tub at tinanaw ang bundok na kitang-kita ko mula sa kinauupuan ko.

He knew my mother. He knew her and he did not tell me. And my mother said something to him and he followed it. 

I shook my head. Agad akong tumayo mula sa tubig at nagpunta sa isa sa mga kwarto doon. I pulled on the clothes I found in a drawer. It was dark leggings and a white sweater that hung to my knees. And then I also pulled on thick socks. The place is cold and since it was perched atop a mountain, hindi na ako nagtaka. 

Tumunog naman ang tiyan ko at doon ko napagtanto na hindi pa pala ako kumakain simula kahapon. I had been injured, and I had gone out of my mind when they shot Raven. I had acted on instinct, on a drive to protect him that had come so deep in me. 

I was looking for him even before I realized it. I had been writing about the vast, endless darkness. Perhaps, we have a connection deeper than I think. 

Napatinign naman ako sa sugat ko sa kamay na bago na ang benda at ang sugat ko sa gilid. It didn't hurt anymore like it did before. The seer also gave me some extra salve I could use. 

I went to the kitchen and found a jar of instant soup. Agad ko namang binuksan ang fridge na naroon nd founf some food I could use. I heard Azrael came back last night and perhaps he had brought me food, but I was too sleepy to open my eyes and greet him. Narinig ko lang siyang nagsalita and then he took off again. Kinuha ko ang tinapay na naroon at nilagyan iyon ng palaman habang nagpakulo ako ng tubig para sa sopas. 

My mother told him to look for me. And he did. And when found me, he decided to keep me. To stay with me. Hindi ko naman mapigilang isipin ang kasal ko noon kay Maxim. Did he interrupt the wedding to spare me from a horrible mistake or did he interrupt it for his own end? Because he couldn't let me get myself bound with Maxim when it should be him? Because my mother and his father had talked to marry us off?

I ate my meal in silence with only the sound of fire crackling on the fireplace my only company. And beneath my thoughts came a surge of relief. My relationship with Maxim was something that taught me a lesson. It was doomed, to begin with. Raven was looking for me, only to find me in his enemy's company... 

I stood and washed the dishes. 

The seer had told me to stay with the High Lord. My mother had told him to find me. It was as if both past and present had an agreement to let us see each other. He didn't tell me about my mother. But I...but I understand. I had endured a lot. I had suffered a lot. I was just healing. And he had told me it didn't feel right to tell me his feelings just when I had just recovered. 

From the very beginning, we were meant to be together. And these past weeks, I felt terrible for wanting him so bad. I felt like traitorous lying filth for wanting him. But now I understand. My affection for him is just as intense as his for me. 

Night came so fast and I decided to climb onto the bed. 

Just last night, I had been sitting on the chair next to his bed, counting his breaths to make sure he's still there. The night before, I'd been in his arms, his fingers between my legs, and his tongue in my mouth. And now, I am alone. Though the cabin was warm, the bed was empty. The sheets were cold. I curled on my knees and hugged them. 

Napatingin ako sa maliit na bintana ng kwarto. The moon was starting to shine through the thick, lush forest. The wind was howling, brushing against the walls of the cabin. 

I wonder if Azrael told Raven where I was. Wondered if he would come looking for me. I let the thought hang before I drifted to sleep fast. 

*** 

I woke up the next morning with the beam of sunlight pouring on my face from the small window of the room. I shifted on the bed and it took me a while to realize where I was. An isolated cabin on top of the mountains. 

Napatingin ako sa orasan na nasa mesa at nakitang alas syete na ng umaga. Agad naman akong bumangon at napatingin sa kwarto. I saw pictured hanging on the wall and I let out a small smile as I looked at them. This is indeed their retreat house. 

Naalala ko naman ang sinabi ni Raven. Mel an Aliana had known about it. Hindi ko alam kung magagalit ba ako sa kanila o hindi dahil itinago nila sa akin ang totoo. Sigurado akong inutusan sila ni Raven na manahimik. And I can't blame them if they respected his wishes. 

Tumayo ako at inayos ang kama. Saka namana ko nagpunta sa kusina at kumain. Swallowing food was hard especially as I had realized that I walked away from him. I ran away precisely how he'd expected me to run. I was a coward, a fool, and I left him injured in his room. 

I had demanded honesty. I hadn't given him the consideration of hearing him out. 

You see me, Delta. 

I won't walk away from you. I see you. 

Those words lingered on my mind and yet I refused to see him. And when I felt so bad for wanting him, I also had refused to see what was right in front of me. 

I had walked away. 

And maybe...maybe I shouldn't have. 

*** 

Afternoon hit and boredom hit me faster than I expected. The house was on top of the mountain and there is nothing but a huge helipad for their helicopter to land and the peaceful meadow at the back which I don't like going at the moment. But thankfully, I found an empty notebook and a paper. I also found a small library where I spent hours and hours reading every book. And when I was done reading, I would let myself roam the house. Doon ko nakita ang mga litratong nakasabit sa dingding. They were photos of Raven and Aliana, and then the other court members. One picture caught my eye and it was all of them, sitting in front of a Christmas tree. All of them are already teenagers and they were grinning from ear to ear. I looked at Raven. Snow was hanging from his hair at ganoon din kina Az at Bry. They looked happy. Hindi ko naman namalayan na nakangiti na pala ako. 

The cottage was indeed a retreat place. Everything here was being taken care of, I can tell. It was the kind of house where all of them could come, take a break from their duties and just sit in the comfortable couches and drink until dawn. Or talk about things. Or exchange gifts during Christmas. I could already imagine them lounging on the couch, just being themselves, taking turns with who should cook and who should clean and---

I smiled at the thought.

They are family. A family I never quite had. Had never dared to hope for. 

And with that in mind, I started writing again. I wrote about the warriors. The strong warriors who would fight any war. I wrote about the people who treat each other like family and the warrior who was deeply misunderstood by anyone.

I was only interrupted by the sound of the chopper. I immediately placed the pen down and ran outside. I saw the chopper hovering over the helipad. Agad ko namang nakita si Al na sakay doon. She got down and walked towards me as I stood by the door. 

"I was praying to the gods or whoever's listening to keep you alive in here," she said as a way of greeting. Bago pa man ako makapagsalita, bahagya niya akong tinulak papasok sa loob. She looked around the house and sighed. 

"Ah, this place is nostalgic." She walked to the couch and sat there. 

"The last time I came here was many years ago. The guys in this family would hoard this place for themselves and drink for a week straight." 

"They do that?" 

"They used to," she said and looked at me. "Every autumn, the three of them would lock themselves in this house for five days and drink and drink and hunt and hunt, and they'd come back to Varsis looking like they just came back from the dead but grinning like fools." 

A quiet chuckle escaped my lips. 

I walked to the table and kept my back on her as I asked, "Is he...hurt?" I had left him injured that night.

"Raven is still recovering, but he's fine. He's pissed at me and at Azrael for taking you away, of course, but he'd get past it." 

"Thank you for not telling him I was here." Napatingin ako sa kanya. She just shrugged. Kumuha siya ng mga pagkain sa fridge at agad iyong inihain sa mesa. She heated the pan and started making food. 

"You should talk to him, though. Hear him out, at least." She didn't look at me as she talked. She kept herself busy with cooking. "Raven always has his reasons, and he might be arrogant as hell, but he's usually right about his instincts. He makes mistakes, but...you should hear him out." 

I already decided that I would hear him out. But I said, "How was writing a letter to your father go?" 

Aliana's father had been assigned to look over Raven's other court--the Court of Darkness--where they could be wicked as much as they place. It's the court that they thought is Raven's real court. None knew about Varsis Except the Liberian forces who decided to attack it. 

Aliana sighed. "I figured a letter is not enough so I made a visit to them. It's always a delight to see my parents." 

Alam ko ang kwento niya. Alam ko kung gaano kasama ang mga magulang niya sa kanya. 

"How is your father?" I asked. 

A small, grim smile plastered on her lips as she faced me. "Mother said he's resting on his chambers and it was a pity that I was banned from entering his room. I could have broken his bones." 

I smirked at the savage delight. "A pity, indeed." I looked at her as she placed the egg onto the plate. 

"Raven makes you do this often? Visiting your parents who sold you and made you suffer that you almost died?" 

She leaned against the counter. "The moment Raven became High Lord, he gave me permission that I could kill my family whenever I pleased. And I go to that Court to remind them of the power I hold. And of course, to keep communication between our two courts flowing. If I were to march in there tomorrow and decide to slaughter my parents, Raven wouldn't blink. He would be inconvenienced by it, perhaps, but...he'd be pleased." 

Because Aliana had endured too much. Because being the only girl amongst his brothers was a sin and they had sold her to the cruelest High Lord's son and threw her when they knew she had slept with Bryen, a bastard Valyrian warrior. 

I focused on the food as I said, "I'm sorry for what you have endured." 

"Thank you," she said. 

And then I remembered how Bryen and her talked that night. So I said, "Bryen seemed concerned." 

She shrugged. "Bryen, I think, would also savor the opportunity to shred that entire court to pieces. Starting with my parents. Maybe I would make it a gift for him one day. Him and Azrael both. They would delight in it." 

Aliana doesn't treat them as her parents anymore. 

I leaned on the counter. "You told me you once slept with Cassion. But did you and Azrael..." 

She laughed. "Azrael? Heavens, no. After that time with Bryen, I swore I would not sleep with any of Raven's friends. But Azrael, I believe, has no shortage of lovers to warm his bed, don't worry. I know he has lovers but he's good at keeping secrets." 

"Let's say he's interested, would you...?" 

She paused to think. "The issue wouldn't be me, actually. I could peel my clothes in front of him and he wouldn't move an inch. He is someone who has proved that not all Valyrian men are assholes. But Azrael would always see himself as someone undeserving. If Raven makes him Prince of Varsis, he will still see himself as a bastard-born nobody, and not good enough for anyone. For me." 

"But...are you interested?" 

Aliana's eyes narrowed in my direction. "You're asking so many things." 

I shrugged casually. "I'm still figuring out how well you all work together." 

She snorted. "We have years of tangled history. Good luck in sorting it out." 

I chuckled and we ate in silence. And then Aliana looked at me. "Is it so bad? To be with him? To be part of this family?" 

I knew what she was trying to say. She knows Raven's feelings towards me and she sees I have feelings for him too. 

I pierced the egg with my fork. "No," I said. "No, it isn't." 

And then I had my answer. 

* * *