A Shade of Midnight

TWENTY-THREE

The glimmer of the sun the next morning did not find its way to my room. Simply because Aliana had closed the curtain before we went to sleep last night. Napagdesisyunan nitong manatili muna doon and hanggang umaga. Napatingin ako sa orasan at nakitang alas sais pa lang ng umaga. Napatingin din ako sa kama at nakitang mahimbing na natutulog si Al. 

 I sighed and walked to the window and I stared at the meadow now filled with wildflowers and grass. The expanse of land in front of the house was calming. This isolated dreamland is a place good for someone who needs to think. Like me. 

I had found fishing poles and other sporting equipment in the storage room, suggesting warm-weather usage. I stared at the beautiful scenery and I could almost imagine myself running through the meadow, splashing myself through the little streams, sitting underneath the tall trees' shades, feasting on summer berries as I watch the sun set over the mountains. 

And then I would go home to Varsis, where I would walk through the city, visit every shop, exchange greetings with other people, learn what they knew, and maybe--maybe one day--I would open my own library. 

It was something I had never let myself imagine before. It was something I never dared to think about. Because once upon a time, it was almost impossible. But now...now, it is close enough for me to let myself think about it. 

It was a nice dream. Filled with contentment, fulfillment, and happiness. 

Then I'd go home everyday to the townhouse, to my friends, listen to them bickering and listen to their stories. We'd sit around that small table and eat together. 

And Raven...

He would be there. He'd given me a generous paycheck and I would use that money to build my own library. He'd be there, looking proud as I do things on my own. He'd be there with me as we watch the sunset and eat berries under the shade of the tree. He would sit with me under the stars. He would be at the table in the townhouse, roaring with laughter as he listens to his friends' stories. He will never be again cold and cruel and solemn. Never again broken. 

And at night, we'd go upstairs together, and he would whisper stories of his travels and I'd whisper about my day until we fall asleep together. And that would become our routine.  

It was a future. A future I saw for myself, bright as the sunrise over the mountains. It was a direction, a goal, and an inspiration for me to keep going. I didn't feel so listless, so empty anymore and I would fight to attain it. I will do what I needed to do to attain it. To defend it. My future. 

So I knew what I had to do. 

Agad na umalis si Aliana matapos namin kumain ng agahan. Az came in a chopper and took Aliana with him, leaving me alone with my thoughts and the future I had just created inside my mind. Aliana had told me she won't be able to visit for a few days but Az had brought enough supplies for me to use in the house. 

After five days, I got bored. I was sick of my own company. Sick of waiting, sick of just being alone. Ngunit nagpapasalamat naman ako nang bumalik si Aliana isang araw. Narinig ko ang tunog ng chopper and she was knocking on the door. Agad naman akong tumayo mula sa bath tub at isinuot ang damit na dinala ni Al. It was a simple white shirt and leggings as usual. Kinuha ko ang tuwalya at pinunasan ang basa kong buhok. 

Binuksan ko ang pinto at ang malamig na ihip ng hanging ang unang bumungad sa akin. Pangalawa ay ang taong nasa harap ng pinto. 

Because it wasn't Al who was leaning against the threshold. 

***

I stared at Raven. 

He stared at me. 

 His cheeks were tinged pink with the cold bite of the wind and his hair ruffled.

I knew that if I shut the door, he'd leave and not push it. 

I have never believed in anything about destiny but this man in front of me is someone I have been looking for. This beautiful, strong, selfless man who had sacrificed and wrecked himself for his family, and for his people was looking for me too. 

After all that he'd done, he felt like he wasn't enough for anyone. Naalala ko naman ang sinabi ni Aliana. That Azrael thought he didn't deserve someone like Al. And I wondered if Raven....if he somehow felt the same about me. 

Binuksan ko nang malaki ang pinto at tumayo sa tabi para papasukin siya. I could have sworn I saw the relief in his eyes as he stepped inside. 

He looked around the house and saw the many papers on the floor and on the wall. I had also taken out the books from the library and they were all over the living room. 

"You've been busy," he said as he took in everything. 

"I hope you don't mind." 

He studied the threshold and the bedroom hallway. He walked toward the hallway kung saan ko dinikit ang mga sinulat ko noong mga nakaraan araw. It was a series of poems. For a long time, after what happened with Meredith, I couldn't write. But now that my passion came back to me, I couldn't stop writing that I ended up putting them on the walls. I bit my lip as Raven read the papers one by one. I had been writing them--the way I see them, and I am very proud of it. 

"Azrael, Aliana, Bryen, and Mel. I could tell who you are talking about with these poems," he said, reading the poems I wrote. "You do know that one of them is going to gloat that someone had written a poem about them. They'd boast about it for many days." 

I chuckled. "Aliana made me make her own copy and she already took it with her." 

"And what about mine?" 

I swallowed. Fine. I looked at him and he was looking at me. My heart was pounding so loud I was afraid he might hear it. 

"I was afraid to write you." 

Raven faced me fully. "Why?" 

No more games, no more banter. "Noong una, dahil galit ako sa 'yo sa hindi mo pagsasabi ng totoo. Then I was worried that if I write you, I would like it a lot--like you too much and find that you...didn't feel the same. And then because I was scared that if I write you, I would miss you, and I'd start wishing you were here so much that I might just write about you all day. It seemed like a pathetic way to spend my time." 

His lips twitched with a hint of a smile as he looked at me. "Indeed." 

Then suddenly, I didn't know what to do with my hands and my feet. I suddenly felt conscious about my face because I had just gone out of the bath. So I looked at the door behind him. 

"Did Aliana tell you I was here?" 

He shook his head. "Both she and Azrael wouldn't tell me so I had to track every house I own and figured this is one of the safest places I have. Kaya hinulaan ko nalang na narito ka." 

I looked at him. At the man who was just shot in front of me several days ago. "You're...better?" 

"Healed completely. Thanks to Sandovian medicine. And also thanks to you." 

I averted my gaze and walked towards the kitchen. "Gutom ka siguro. I'll heat something up." 

Raven straightened. "You'll cook for me?" 

"Heat," I said. "I can't cook." 

Tahimik lang siyang nakaupo sa harap ng counter habang hinihintay akong matapos. Napatingin ako sa kanya at nakatingin lang din siya sa akin at sa ginagawa ko. 

"What? Nababahala ka ba na lalagyan ko 'to ng lason?" 

He furrowed his brows and then shook his head. 

"No," he said. "It's just that...it's the first time you have made me food." 

I went back to stirring the soup. "Tell me the story," I said. I then looked at him. "Tell me everything." 

Tila naintindihan naman niya ang nais kong sabihin. Tell me while I cook and I'd decide at the end whether or not to offer him that food. 

For a moment, there was only silence. Tanging ang tunog ng kutsara sa kawali ang naririnig. 

Then Raven said, "I met your mother at a court event in the Southeast Court. My father took me there so that I would have an idea what a court event was. It was my first time attending an event outside the north so I was quite nervous and I didn't know anyone. Then your mother came to me." 

I stopped stirring.

"I remembered I marveled at how beautiful she was. I was a kid. Barely seven. All of the people there were not my age. But she was the one who came to me and spoke to me first. He told me about her daughter. She talked about you and how you were a few years younger than me. She told me it would have been nice if she brought you so you could meet me. She was kind and I remembered I asked her a lot of questions. I also remembered how I thought she was smart for answering all of it. Her eyes were always smiling and she...she looks so much like you.

"Sinabi niya sa akin ang pangalan mo. That her daughter's name was Delta. Sinabi niya rin sa akin na hanapin kita. I thought she just said it jokingly but then she went to my father and told him to marry us off. She and my father seemed like good friends and my father agreed. Although I doubt it was serious. I didn't really mind and I didn't care what it was long ago. My father forgot it soon too. But I didn't. Naalala ko pa na inulit niya iyon sa akin. That I should find you, no matter what. And there was something in her voice that made me think that I really should find you, whoever you are.

"For years, I tried. But I didn't know that woman and the only clue I have is your name. Delta. I didn't have any luck. And I was close to giving up but one day, that seer told me something. She told me about a girl I was looking for and then how I should find you. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako naging ganoon kaswerte. The seer also told me about your mother, Delta. Your mother was a seer too." 

Tumingin siya sa akin and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. But I remained silent and continued to stir the soup. 

"Perhaps your mother had seen what was ahead. She has seen what was to come. And told me that I had to find you. So I started looking for you again. The seer told me you are in Sandovia. Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako o matatakot. The woman I was looking for is finally in Sandovia? Kaya naman agad kitang hinanap. But then the brewing storm with Meredith was happening. Azrael knew about it and told me. I knew where you were and that should the storm come, madadamay ka. I knew about Meredith's plan. Not all of it, but I knew she had something in mind. I didn't plan on joining the event. Ang plano ko noon ay manatili sa bahay ko at hayaan si Maxim sa problema niya. After all, Meredith is from his court. Ngunit nang malaman kong naroon ka, I sent a warning to Maxim. I told him about the threat about to come but he didn't listen. I was so furious that I acted without thinking. I didn't like going to the South Court but I went anyway. I wanted to taunt him, I wanted to make him feel powerless. To make him realize that he can't protect you from the coming threat. I knew you were there and I knew they hid you. But despite that, hindi nakinig si Maxim.

"And then I decided that I should join the ceremony. That I should be there if you were. Kinausap ako ni Aliana at Melisandre ngunit hindi nila ako napigilan. I stormed to the South Court and it was as if fate had been on my side that night when I saw you in that dark alley being preyed by those fuckers who wanted to..." He shook his head. 

"I debated killing them then and there but then they shoved you and I just moved. I started speaking without knowing what I was saying. Ang tanging nasa isip ko lang noon ay ang balat mo sa kamay ko. I was touching you. The woman I was looking for for so many years is in my arms and..." He let out a shuddering breath. 

Saka ko naman naalala ang unang mga salita na sinabi niya noong gabing iyon. 

There you are. I've been looking for you. 

All this time, I thought it was a lie. Akala ko ay gawa-gawa lang niya iyon para paalisin ang tatlong lalaking iyon. Those were his first words to me. 

Thank you for finding her for me. 

He had been looking for me and that night when he saw me...those words were true. 

"You looked at me," Raven said, "at alam kong wala kang ideya kung sino ako. You had no idea that I was looking for you. All those times when I was searching for you, I thought I was just fulfilling your mother's wish. But when I saw you that night in that dark alleyway, barefoot, and scared, I knew it wasn't just because of your mother's wish at all. You were so powerless, and lost, and scared and...I couldn't even talk to you or hear you say your name.

"But it was perhaps one of the happiest moments of my life. I offered to take you back to Maxim's manor because I wanted to talk to you and I couldn't just leave you alone there. But you refused. You were scared and you didn't want to trust anyone. So I walked away. But then you called my name. You knew I was dangerous. You didn't know me and didn't know what I was capable of doing. But you called me and asked me if I was a member of the South Court." He chuckled. 

"I knew you'd have to leave immediately. Maxim won't believe me about the threat so I Iet him find out about it his own way. When he did, I knew you'd be sent away. He's my enemy but I knew he wasn't going to get you involved. Kaya naman masaya ako noong pinaalis ka niya at pinabalik sa Oregon. Meredith could torture us and blackmail us all she wants. I didn't care. As long as you weren't there.

"When Meredith revealed her cards, I talked to one of the handmaidens. I gave her a letter and made her send it to you." 

Tila tumigil ang mundo ko. 

The letter. The letter I received when I was in Oregon telling me to stay away and not come back---it wasn't Maxim. Rosalind didn't say Maxim's name. She just said the 'High Lord'. 

"It was you?" 

He nodded. "I found you and I decided I can't get you involved with the mess. I knew Maxim loved you and I knew you did too. I saw how you looked at him." 

I saw how his knuckles turned white. 

"I made everyone think I was conspiring with Meredith. Truth is, Meredith had her hands on my neck and that being close to her is the only way for me to keep her from you. You were, after all, Maxim's special someone and I knew she would do unimaginable things to you had you stayed. I went with Meredith's cronies to ransack Maxim's manor to make sure you were not there anymore. I needed to make Meredith believe that I was on her side so I killed Maxim's sentinels. Leaving only a couple of them to take the handmaidens away and escape. I had killed a lot of them. A lot of people. And every night, they would haunt me in my dreams. 

Two tears slid down his cheeks and he didn't bother to wipe them away. 

"I thought it was done. I thought it would only be a matter of my cunningness and how I would play the part. I thought you were safe, so far away. But then...that day, in the throne room. When one of Meredith's soldiers brought you in---I have never known such horror, Delta. And I had to force myself to stand on the side as I watched you make a bargain. Irrational, stupid, and reckless. I made sure you received the letter to stay away, and yet you were there, standing in the middle of the throne room. I had to endure seeing you being beaten and being made prisoner. 

"But I couldn't do anything about it anymore but to save you. To help you. Because I knew you would be the one to save us all. So I watched your first trial and I was pretending--always pretending to be that person you hated. And when you were so badly hurt by that first trial, I found my way with you. I finally was able to talk to you." 

Another set of tears fell from his eyes and I let out a shuddering breath as I looked at him. The strongest man I've ever known, crying in front of me. And I couldn't help but feel my eyes brimming with tears as I watched him continue. 

* * *