A Shade of Midnight

TWENTY-ONE

Few hours had passed. Ilang beses na ring naglabas-pasok sina Azrael at Bryen sa sa kwarto ni Raven para tingnan ang kalagayan ng kaibigan nila. Raven was not deathly pale anymore. Perhaps it was because of the salve that the seer had placed on his wounds.

I did not dare go out of his room. I sat on the chair next to his bed, staring at his ethereally beautiful face. I want to be the first one to see when he wakes up. After all, I have a lot of questions to ask.

The next day came, and then the night started to blanket the skies. Raven was still unconscious. Bryen and Al made it their job to bring me hot food every meal because I never left the room.

It was almost midnight when I was dozing off the chair. Aliana had just changed the bandage on my wound and I feel it already healing.

I heard the bed stir and I jolted awake as I saw Raven move. Agad akong nagpunta sa gawi niya.

"Raven," I called. He looked at me and a soft smile plastered on his lips.

"Don't make it too obvious that you missed me too much," he said and I had no reaction. I was glad that he's back to his normal self but I have other things to ask him.

Napansin naman niya ang pananahimik ko. His muscles flexed as he pushed himself off the bed, grunting with every movement. And when he was finally sitting, he looked at me, a silent question in his eyes.

"You don't get to ask questions, Raven," I said. Napakunot naman ang noo niya habang nakatingin sa akin. But he followed what I said and did not say anything. He remained seated on the bed, the sign of pain visible on his face. 

"The seer told me a long time ago to stay with the High Lord as the threat comes. She did not sa which High Lord at buong akala ko ay si Maxim iyon. But I was wrong because it was you. The seer told me to stay with you. Hindi ko alam kung anong ibig sabihin ng manghuhula pero sinabi niya sa akin na hinahanap mo na ako noon pa man kahit hindi mo pa ako nakikilala. And then you said--before you passed out, you said you were looking for me." 

Raven looked at me as I fumbled through my words. I could see it in his eyes. The truth that he has kept from me. Hindi ko lang alam kung gaano kalaking katotohanan iyon. 

"She said you knew my mother." 

Raven stilled. The whole world went utterly still. Tanging ang tunog ng kaluskos ng dahon sa malakas na hangin ang naririnig naming dalawa. Raven looked at me, his eyes wide. 

"Delta." 

"How do you know my mother?" 

"What else did the seer tell you?" 

"I said you don't get to ask questions." 

And then panic flashed over his features. The strongest High Lord of Sandovia, looking panicked. And then he closed his eyes and heaved a sigh, as though it helped him calm himself. Color was already blooming on his cheeks, perhaps whatever the healing power was on that plant. 

"Your mother was a visitor. She stayed at the Southeast Court and I met her there. I was just a kid and I came with my father as we attended a court event. Your mother was there and she talked to my father. I didn't know who she was. I didn't know where she was from but she looked at me and smiled. She told me that she has a daughter just a few years younger and that I should meet her. She told me to find you before she... " Tumingin siya sa akin. My eyes were already brimming with tears. "Before she died." 

"You saw her die?" 

"I remembered she introduced herself to me as Alessandra," he said and looked at me. Alessandra. That's indeed my mother's name. "She doesn't belong to any court. She was just a visitor as she liked Sandovia so much. She told me she loves the Southeast Court because it's where her favorite tree grows. An explosion happened and she died with it." 

Naalala ko ang puno ng kahoy na nasa bakuran namin. Samara had said it was my mother's favorite tree. She said that my mother planted it and there were no other trees like that found in Oregon. That the tree reminded my mother of her favorite place. 

It was Sandovia. My mother left her when she was a child and went to Sandovia. Bakit hindi ko alam ang bagay na ito? I have never seen her in person. I just saw her in pictures. Which means she left after she gave birth to me. All because Sandovia is her favorite place? She was willing to leave me for it?

Naging malumanay naman ang mga mata ni Raven habang nakatingin sa akin. I looked at him. 

"When were you going to tell me?" 

"Delta." 

"When were you going to tell me?" 

"I don't know. I wanted to tell you yesterday or whenever you'd realize that it wasn't just a bargain between us. I hoped you would realize when I took you to bed that night--" 

"Alam ba ng iba?" 

"Aliana and Mel do. Azrael and Bryen don't." 

I closed my eyes and the tears fell. "Why didn't you tell me? You knew my mother before she died. She told you to find me. And you--you kept it from me?" 

"Your mother and my father agreed to marry us off." 

I stood and scoffed. "Marry me off? She wanted to marry me off? Anong karapatan niya para gawin sa akin iyon? She wasn't even present in my life and she had the nerve to hold control over me?" 

Napatingin ako sa kanya. "Are you...did you save me just to fulfill a dead woman's wish?" 

"Delta, that's not--" 

"Iyon ba ang dahilan, Raven? Did you help me because that's what my mother told you to do?" 

"I am with you now because I chose to, Delta. I chose to be with you. I saved you not because it was what your mother told me to--" 

"You kept it from me. You said you chose to be with me. If that's what you really felt then didn't I deserve to know?" 

I saw him grit his teeth. "You were in love with him. You were going to marry him! You almost died. You were broken. And now you're healed. Marami kang pinagdaaanan, Delta. It didn't feel right to tell you how I feel and why I have been doing this." 

"I deserved to know." 

"The other night you told me you wanted a distraction. You wanted fun. You did not want someone telling you his feelings. Not someone like me. You told me I was a mess back when we were both prisoners." 

I remember it too well. The words I had spat at him when I thought he was an enemy. And it pains me to remember that I had told him terrible things. Ngunit itinago niya sa akin ang bagay na mahalaga sa akin. 

"You promised--you promised no secrets, no games. You promised." 

"I know I did," Raven said. "You think I didn't want to tell you? You think I like hearing you wanted me only for amusement and release? You think it didn't drive me out of my mind so completely that those bastards managed to shoot at us because I was too busy wondering if I should just tell you, or wait--or take whatever it is that you can offer me and just be happy with it? Even if it's just being your amusement? Or that...or that I should just let you go free from me so you won't have my enemies hunting your back too?" 

I started shaking my head. He lied. I've had enough lies. 

"I don't want to hear this. I don't want to hear you explain how you thought you knew best. Inaakala mo ba na hindi ko kakayanin ang katotohanan--" 

"That's not--" 

"Ayokong marinig na nagdesisyon ka para sa akin. Na hindi mo sinabi sa akin ang totoo habang ang mga kaibigan mo ay may alam. You don't get to decide what's good for me, Raven." 

"Delta--" 

"I need some time." I stood and his eyes shot at me. "I need to go back to the house. 

He was panting. "Delta, please." 

But I was already walking towards the door. Ngunit bago ko pa man mahawakan ang seradura ay huminto ako at humarap sa kanya. He was already standing and was walking towards me with his long strides. 

"Don't come after me," I said. Coldness in my voice that I didn't recognize. He froze on his feet. 

And then I saw pain and sorrow in his eyes. I saw it but I didn't care. Something inside me stirred. Something inside my chest twisted. My heart ached so viciously and it had just been repaired. Repaired by him. But now it hurt. 

He must have seen whatever emotion that escaped through my face that his shoulders slump. 

Bigla namang bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto. 

"Is Raven awake? I heard voices--"

Hindi na natapos ni Bryen ang nais sabihin nang makita kaming dalawa ni Raven na nagkatitigan. I was the one who turned my back and looked at Bryen. 

"I want to go back to Varsis," I said. Bryen looked at Raven behind me and then his eyes went to me before he stepped aside and let me pass. 

"Az is preparing the chopper. He's going there now too." 

Tumango lang ako sa kanya. 

"Delta," Raven groaned but I did not look back and continued to walk. I left him in his room and stormed towards the living room kung saan nakikita ko si Al na nakatingin sa akin. 

And from the look on her face, I could tell she already knew what had happened. She knew about it, after all. 

"Delta," she called. I stopped and looked at her. She bit her lip. 

"Take me away from here, please," I said. "Right now." I needed to get away, I need to think. To have space. Quiet and calm. 

Aliana looked at me and the door of Raven's room, biting her lip. And then she nodded and guided me out and to where Azrael was preparing the chopper. Az was looking at me questioningly before he looked at Al. I don't know what Al told him but Az did not look questioningly at me again.

Agad akong sumakay sa sasakyan. I did not dare look at the house. Or his bedroom. I remained my gaze straight to the fields in front of me. Naramdaman ko naman na umugong na ang sasakyan at maya-maya pa ay lumilipad na kami pabalik sa syudad. 

*** 

We arrived at another house I wasn't familiar with. Azrael didn't bring me to Varsis. He said that this place is better if I wanted to think.

Azrael opened the door to the house. It was perched on top of a rock mountain. 

"This house is safe." Az stepped in and snow fell to the floor from his body. He looked at me as I remained standing outside. 

"Come in." 

Pumasok naman ako at napatingin sa loob ng bahay. Thankfully, Az isn't someone who asks a lot of questions. I didn't want to answer any questions tonight.

All he said was, "This house is where we get sent if we misbehave before. It was usually me and Bryen and Raven and Al would always sneak in booze and books for us." 

I let out a small smile, trying not to think of Raven and how hurt he was when I left. 

"Are you all right?" tanong ni Az sa akin. Napatingin naman ako sa kanya. 

"I am." 

"Is Raven all right?" 

"He'll live." 

He didn't ask any other questions. I wasn't feeling generous enough to tell him the whole story, anyway. 

Az looked at me. "I don't know what happened between the two of you but I know that Raven cares for you more than he cares for anyone else. Whatever your problem is, you two will fix it." I merely offered a small smile at him before he walked out and went to the chopper. 

I wanted to go to Varsis but I guess this house is so much better. Maaalala ko lang si Raven kapag magpupunta ako doon. 

I heaved a sigh. When I was finally alone, I sat on the couch and rested my head on the headrest before I let the rest of my tears flow. 

* * *