Call Me By My Name

Ch.4

Royale

I’m quite simple and easy to deal with, but there are a few things I need people to know about me: I hate being touched unless I know you in some way that my mind allows me to think it’s OK. I hate people touching my things unless I give them to you. There’s a time limit on how long I can be around large groups of people before I start getting antsy. Do not sneak up on me trying to touch me, I will drop or hit you.

My brother should have warned his guests. So far, the only thing on the need to know that hasn’t been tested is the time limit. I’m almost there because I’m already at my wit's end with this wedding and its people. The crazy thing is, it hasn’t even started. Mother dearest has been nitpicking and going back and forth with the bride’s mother, the planner has been snapping at everyone, and on top of that, Dario and his friends are nowhere to be found.

We’re all dressed and ready and no one can get a hold of the groom or his party. If she wasn’t who he wanted and he didn’t show up, I’d applaud him. I might be upset that he messed up my vacation, but not that upset. It’s a terrible thing to say, but I’m bored and annoyed.

Other than my parents’ issues with me, nothing in this family is ever exciting. They all got a stick up their asxes, making it impossible to enjoy life around them. Sometimes I feel bad that Dario deals with this on a regular basis. That he was always living for our parents. They chose what path he lived. From the family business to his wife. He was just another pawn piece in their game.

“OK, everyone in position.” The planner finally yelled out after an hour after the scheduled time. Everyone got in the position and, since I was the last one, I wasn’t in a rush. It was hard to be when they had me in six-inch stilettos and in a dress so tight that had me on the edge of an anxiety attack.

I had barely made it to the line when a hand pulled on my arm. I turned toward my brother. After a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek, he ran to his position. I was slightly disappointed. Before I could dwell on my disappointment, an arm looped around mine before the full figure appeared.

“You look stunning.” I turned to look at him, his hair sleeked back in a low man bun, giving him a more refined facial structure. The contrast between the fitted all-black tux assembled, and his deep blue eyes was a masterpiece.

“You don’t look bad yourself.” I replied, turning my attention back to the wedding in progress. We still had two more pairs before us and standing there was making my feet, back and waist hurt. The corsage embedded in the dress was not my friend by any means.

“You can shift your weight on me at any time.” He whispered in my ear. Even though I kept looking straight ahead, I could feel his eyes on me.

“Appreciate it.” Every now and then I shifted my weight and leaned on him. My brother always called me shameless. In a way I am. I wasn’t a damsel, but I wasn’t always going to play that ‘I’m a strong independent woman’ act either. That was one of the many issues our mother had with me. Unlike her, I couldn't fake it to make it. Hell, I barely tried nor did I want to.

I could feel eyes on us. Instead of releasing me when it was time for us to part, he walked me to my position before taking his own. I made sure not to make eye contact with anyone throughout the whole ceremony. Hell, I blocked the whole thing out. My mind was everywhere but the wedding. I missed my son and couldn't stop thinking about the new actions of his father.

I didn’t come to until the clapping of the guests after the kissing part. When it was time for us to follow the bride and groom, he met me once again by hooking an arm through mine. We didn’t speak. Not sure there was anything to talk about at this specific moment. In silence, we walked to the celebration quarter of the venue.

Even with everyone’s excitement, it felt like it was just the two of us. I know that shouldn’t even be a thought. The man wasn’t good for me and here I am thinking about such foolishness. I was happy when we got to our tables. Once again, eyes bore on us as he pulled out my chair and gently pushed it in before taking the seat beside me.

I never took him to be the criminal gentleman type, but did it really matter? The reception eventually went on. Speeches were made, we ate, we fake socialized, and I hit my time limit. My anxiety slowly started creeping in. Most of the party was on the dance floor, and I used that as my excuse to escape. I was beyond overwhelmed and this time I could say it was because of my own doings.

I kissed and hugged my grandparents goodbye, promising to call and make my way out. I heard footsteps behind me, but I didn’t bother looking back. Something in me already knew who it was. Even after five years, I still recognize his graceful strides. The one I once named the hunting stride.

“Let me take you home.”

I never cared for guys much and I could say that it's because of Atlas, but that would be another half-truth. I used to think that I rocked with the other team until I met him. From the first day we met, there's been this pull. Coming here, I had told myself that if he did happen to be around, I would play it cool. I’d pretend that nothing ever happened and keep my distance until I got the time to observe and make a decision to tell him about our son.

So far, I’ve done the complete opposite of what I planned. I'd been mentally drooling and being mind-ficked just knowing he was around. I was absentmindedly nodding to him about him taking me home, knowing that it might end up like those nights long ago. It’s the thought that it might, that excited me. Knowing that I shouldn’t didn’t deter me from knowing that I wanted it to.

“Penny for your thoughts.” His voice filled the car, pulling me back to reality.

“Not worth a penny.”

“You’d be surprised what your thoughts are worth?”

I could feel him studying me, feel the heaviness of his eyes on me, but I kept my eyes on the road ahead. It shouldn’t be this hard to talk to someone, but I was struggling to even attempt a regular conversation with the man. This is not like me and I’m not sure what to make of myself at the moment. I was nothing like myself when he was involved, and I didn’t know what to make of it. I neither liked nor disliked it, but it was new and caught me by surprise.

“I doubt it.” I finally responded, but that was the truth when it came to him. I was more than happy he didn’t answer because, unlike everyone else, he seemed to be the only one outside of Dario and our son that had me caring if my thoughts were taken into consideration. I shouldn’t and probably would never admit it, but I did. However, I still found myself at a loss for words and even my thoughts were a jumbled mess.

I once believed that five years ago was a fluke, but now, I’m not sure what to make of it. What else is new lately? He made me nervous for all the reasons I couldn’t comprehend. How I’m feeling and acting now had nothing to do with his illegal relationship with my brother nor the fact that he was my son’s father. I won’t lie and say that this wasn’t deeper than I ever wanted it to be. I might lack a lot, but self-awareness wasn’t one.

Something about this man who was still a stranger affected me in a way even I couldn’t understand. Around him, I felt something awaken yet another part of me hiding. I get bold and all the while get tongue-tied. It was a push and a pull, a negative and a positive that I couldn’t quite decipher. I didn’t know if I liked it or hated it. The best way to describe it was that he left me confused in ways I didn’t understand but wanted to.

I had many problems. There was a lot I had to overcome, but not once did I ever calculate a man into that equation. Especially not one like him. The main problem was, I never met one like him. No matter how I tried to categorize him with the ones I’ve encountered over the years, that would never be the case.

There has never been any other man or anyone else who I welcomed into my safe space. No one else could ever claim me. Not on an emotional level, not to mention physically. No one else could say that they had me the way he did or that their whole existence was the highlight of mine. Especially after all these years. If I’m being honest, if he didn’t exist and we never met, I’d never have Atlas and probably any relation with a man.

Before him and finding out I was pregnant, the idea of having a child or being with a man was a foreign concept. It was never a thought, even when it was mentioned. However, something indecipherable occurred and I was now a mother, a confused one at that. A part of me was telling me to run as far as I could and then another was telling me to embrace it. I had no idea what I was embracing.

I didn’t know the man. Today was a reminder of that. The man that I encountered today was not the one I encountered five years ago. However, instead of it bothering me, I found myself intrigued. Interestingly enough, it wasn’t the puzzle piece of the man beside me that bothered me, it was my reaction to him.