Finding My First Love

Chapter 9: First love

Maureens POV

I sat down in a chair I've become all too accustomed with. I hate this stupid chair and this stupid place , but yet I can't stay away. I keep coming back every day to sit in the world's most uncomfortable stiff chair. At the same time, I can't imagine not coming here and seeing Ben every day.

I would do anything to make him wake up. I've looked into countless spells and talked to multiple witches. They all said it would be nothing short of a miracle if he does decide to wake.

Lily is so hopeful. She's in her own little world with everything. I think it's mostly just denial. She keeps thinking her healing abilities would eventually heal him, and for a while, I believed it to. I think it's just out of her hands, and I know she blames herself.

I pulled his hand into both of mine carefully so I wouldn't pull out the IV. Lily swears that talking to him helps. I usually just either sit in here quietly or I'm a sobbing mess. I decided to give it a go. Most people here already think I'm crazy, I might as well live up to it.

"Hey, it's me. Not that you really know me or my voice.....There's so many people who want you to wake up. I'm not sure if you want a mate. Hell, most days, I'm not even sure if i do. I wish you would just wake up and tell me what you want or what you would have wanted. I'm constantly miserable living in this whole unknown state..... It's crazy to me that I want someone I don't even know. Before I found out, Silas was my beloved. I already knew him and loved him. We weren't even beloveds long when my mother was killed. I was only 19. Well, I guess she was never killed.....Crazy how much my life has changed the last two years. Not that it's been easy for you either."

I really must sound ridiculous. What am I even doing. I shot out of my chair. I shouldn't be here.

I went to head out when Charles peaked his head in. Damn it, I was doing so good at avoiding him.

I looked at him like I really was so confused. I wasn't. I knew he would hunt me down eventually. I just decided to play stupid. "What are you doing here?"

He shut the door behind him. "Well sense you won't take my phone calls and refuse to visit. I had no choice but to hunt you down."

"Lily told you I was down here, didn't she?"

"She said that you might be."

I guess everyone knew I was still visiting him. I'm not sure why it bothered me so much, but it did. I thought sneaking down at two in the morning, I could get away with it. This is really the first time that I've come down before then in a really long time.

"What do you want?"

"I want to talk about why you're continuing to avoid me. I thought we got in a good place. You took my last name, and we were making steps in the right direction. I want to get to know you, Maureen. I feel like you're shutting me out now."

Well, he's not wrong. I'm just going to rip the bandaid. I have other things to figure out right now.

"Okay, I'm just going to get this all out there. I feel uncomfortable not telling Raya about my mom. I don't understand why it's a big secret."

He put his head down and took a seat on the chair next to the window. "Raya, she's just really sensitive with anything that has to do with your mom. I'm sure you figured that out already."

"Yeah, actually I have. That's why I don't understand why you would ask me to keep it a secret in the first place."

"What do you mean? Lily is keeping it a secret to, right along with the rest of your little friends."

I knew he was upset that i told them I just didn't think he still was. "I told you I wasn't going to keep a secret from Lily, and you said you were fine with it and that you understood ."

"I know i just wasn't expecting so many people to know."

"I'm not the one who thought it was necessary to keep it a secret. You knew as soon as I saw her I wouldn't stop looking for her. How do you think Raya is going to feel when we find her?"

"If you find her. She's been missing a long time."

"Why are you acting like you're so against finding her?"

"I'm not. I'm just saying that you've been looking what, this whole six months. I'm guessing you haven't found much, have you?"

"I have a lead, but I just now found that out."

He looked frustrated and rubbed his hands down his face and back of his neck. "Let me guess, and that's the only lead you've had this whole time?"

Now I was getting pissed. What the hell is his deal. "What is your problem? For someone who claims to love her once and cares about me, you're sure as hell aren't acting like it."

"It's complicated. I'm just not sure how Raya will handle all this."

"I understand you care about Raya and her feelings. That's why you should tell her. How do you think she's going to feel when she learns everyone knows my mom was alive and she didn't hear it from you. You're putting a strain on hers and Lily's relationship to. What you asked Lily to do isn't fair. That's her mom."

He sighed in defeat. "Raya just overreacts whenever Laura is mentioned. I don't even know how to start this conversation with her. I guess part of me didn't want to deal with it. We still haven't been the same since I got back. It just feels off or maybe different..... Maybe im different."

I sat down next to him and put my hand on his back. "How could you not be different after going through all of that. Anyone would be. As far as Raya goes, I think she's acting pretty normal for the circumstances. How would you feel if you knew your weren't your fated mates' first choice. I'm sure she is insecure. "

"I chose her, though. In the end, I picked her. She has me. It's been over twenty years. I thought she would be over it by now."

"I get it. Most women want fairytale love. The love that sweeps you off your feet and takes your breath away. When you find your mate or your beloved, it's supposed to be like that. Just the two of you running off into the sunset. More cases than not, it's not like that. She was supposed to be one of the lucky ones to find her fated mate, and for him to be a prince, she was lucky. Everything she ever dreamed of was shattered when her prince charming, the person that was chosen for her, was already in love with someone else. Raya is the real victim in all of this. So let her be upset. All she wants is for you to talk to her and for you to show her she's the one you chose and want."

He smiled. "You're acting like you're older than me."

"I think it's because I get how she feels in a way. You have to understand why it bothers me to keep the secret so much. She already hates me, and when she finds out that I knew my mom was alive the last six months along with you, she's going to hate me even more."

"She doesn't hate you. You just look so much like your mom. I think it's just confusing for her."

"Well, if she doesn't hate me right now, she will. As soon as this comes out, she will be even weirder, and it's already been so uncomfortable even before we knew my mom was alive. "

"Yeah, I know. She hasn't been handling things the best. Lily thinks she knows that we're hiding something."

"Just give her reassurance that you want to be with her, and everything should be fine."

His face paled. "Right."

There was a long moment of silence. I thought about leaving him, but I thought it would be weird to leave him here with Ben.

He finally broke the awkward silence. "You know, twenty years ago, a witch and wolf being mated would have caused so much chaos between their pack and coven. Even the elders would have gotten involved. I don't think your grandpa, my dad, would have had an issue with it. But my grandpa would have. He was old-fashioned and didn't believe in half breeds. He would have killed me himself if he was alive. I was given his name, I just hope I don't ever act like him. He wasn't a good man. He wouldn't have handled the change well. I just wish back then I trusted my dad to be different from him. Things would have been so different. But then again, we wouldn't have Lily, and I can't imagine a world without her."

Why was he telling me all this? I feel like a lot of this you wouldn't normally tell your own child. I started to feel kind of bad. I realized he probably didn't have anyone to talk with about any of this and has been keeping it bottled in and most likely has been for years. Then the thought dawned on me, and I knew I needed the answer.

"Charles, do you still love my mom?"

He gave me a hurt smile and brushed some hair out of my face. "You're mom used to wear her hair the same way when I met her."

He put his head down. I could tell he really didn't want to answer the question. " I'll always love you're mom, Maureen. I don't think you just stop loving your first love."

His words cut deep with me. Made me think of Lily and Ben and how much they loved each other. He risked his life for her and he was willing to never take a chosen mate, and Lily, she's here every day reading all his favorite books to him and holding his hand hoping she can heal him. I couldn't help but wonder if Ben woke up if I ever could live up to Lily and what she meant to him.

I felt my mouth go dry, and I completely forgot Charles was here with me.

He cleared his throat. "I'm going to head out. I can tell you you're deep in thought. Just promise to please keep in touch, and if you find any sort of solid lead on your mom, let me know. I want to help Maureen. I just know you can't talk about it now."

I gave him a small nod. He left without another word, and I was left with my own thoughts.