The Diary

Unvarnished Truth

I got a notification  ,  it was from Tyler , it was some list . Oh my god it was the same list Peter told me about my name was on the list I was labelled as a  '  Psycho Slut ' , Tyler said that he knew about the syndrome but how come , I did not tell anything about it to anyone except Peter !

He knew so he was the one who told everyone about it . Peter hurt me more than Tyler . I thought that he was a friend but he was not . Everyone started laughing at feel . I was feeling suffocated , I went out and then happened the worse there was a poster on my locker which said Psycho Slut . Then Tyler shouted from the back " f**k you psycho slut  "  and everyone started hooting , I just wanted to die right over there , I spotted Peter in the crowd he had that I am so innocent look on his face but I knew his true face ,  I ran out ,  Peter came after me , he held my hand ,

Kate "  Let me go , Peter . "

Peter " I told you that he is not the right guy and I asked you to stay away from him and you slept with him in the first meet . "

I pulled my hand " That's none of your business ,  now I know who you really are , I thought that you are my friend so I told you everything about me , things I have never shared with anyone and what you did , you traded me , you are worse than Tyler , I regret meeting you , now just leave me alone and let me go . "

I left that place . I mistook Tyler for being the love of my life when he was just a mistake . I lost the only friend I had but for good . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

I don't know how will I face everyone , I don't think I will ever be able to go to that place again . Tyler said that he will make my life more miserable than hell .

At first I thought that he was saying that out of anger , but he proved me wrong . He meant every word he said. I usually sleep with my window open to let the fresh air in . It was midnight I was lying on my bed , of course I was not able to sleep . Every time I closed my eyes I saw the face of that basement women .

The thought of her gave me chills . Know matter how hard I tried to distract myself , I always had a second thought, what if that women was my mother ?

I knew that was not possible at least not scientifically but it was possible . But it was possible if we consider paranormal justification . Our body dies but our souls do not . What if my mother was not at peace . I was musing over all these thoughts when I heard a loud thud on the window . I suspected that someone was trying to figure out their way in . Before I could even give it a thought someone jumped in . It was Tyler . He came to take his revenge . I said " What the hell are you doing here Tyler . " , he didn't answered , I repeated my question twice but he didn't responded . But then he bit my lips , he grabbed me harshly in his arms , the more I tried to struggle the more he tightened his grip , He tried to force himself on me , I threw a wase at him . I don't remember anything after that .

 The wase shattered , and so was my life . I fell on the floor and collapsed . I regained conciousness after half an hour or so , the first thing that my eyes sighted was the wase ,  it was perfectly ,  but how was it possible I remember throwing it at Tyler , I looked at my body there were no sign of physical abuse ,  my clothes were on . The room showed no sign of struggle . I checked my phone Betty posted a pic of her and Tyler , they were at her farmhouse which is at a distance of one and a half hour from my house , that too if you don't get stuck in traffic . How could Tyler be here if he was with betty at her farmhouse .

This what I saw was just another hallucination .

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I got a notification , it was from Tyler , it was some list . Oh my god it was the same list Peter told me about my name was on the list I was labelled as a  '  Psycho Slut ' , Tyler said that he knew about the syndrome but how come , I did not tell anything about it to anyone except Peter !

He knew so he was the one who told everyone about it . Peter hurt me more than Tyler . I thought that he was a friend but he was not . Everyone started laughing at feel . I was feeling suffocated , I went out and then happened the worse there was a poster on my locker which said Psycho Slut . Then Tyler shouted from the back " f**k you psycho slut  .  " and everyone started hooting , I just wanted to die right over there , I spotted Peter in the crowd he had that I am so innocent look on his face but I knew his true face , I ran out , Peter came after me , he held my hand ,

Kate " Let me go , Peter . "

Peter " I told you that he is not the right guy and I asked you to stay away from him and you slept with him in the first meet . "

I pulled my hand  " That's none of your business , now I know who you really are , I thought that you are my friend so I told you everything about me , things I have never shared with anyone and what you did , you traded me , you are worse than Tyler , I regret meeting you, now just leave me alone and let me go . "

I left that place . I mistook Tyler for being the love of my life when he was just a mistake . I lost the only friend I had but for good . . . . . .

I don't know how will I face everyone , I don't think I will ever be able to go to that place again . Tyler said that he will make my life more miserable than hell .

At first I thought that he was saying that out of anger , but he proved me wrong . He meant every word he said . I usually sleep with my window open to let the fresh air in . It was midnight I was lying on my bed , of course I was not able to sleep . How could any one after every thing that happened . Every time I closed my eyes I saw the face of that basement women .

The thought of her gave me chills . Know matter how hard I tried to distract myself , I always had a second thought ,  what if that women was my mother ?

I knew that was not possible at least not scientifically but it was possible . But it was possible if we consider paranormal justification . Our body dies but our souls do not . What if my mother was not at peace . I was musing over all these thoughts when I heard a loud thud on the window . I suspected that someone was trying to figure out their way in . Before I could even give it a thought someone jumped in . It was Tyler . He came to take his revenge . I said  "  What the hell are you doing here Tyler ? " , he didn't answered , I repeated my question twice but he didn't responded . But then he bit my lips, he grabbed me harshly in his arms , the more I tried to struggle the more he tightened his grip , He tried to force himself on me , I threw a wase at him . I don't remember anything after that .

. The wase shattered , and so was my life . I fell on the floor and collapsed . I regained consiousness after half an hour or so , the first thing that my eyes sighted was the wase , it was perfectly fine , but how was it possible I remember throwing it at Tyler , I looked at my body there were no sign of physical abuse , my clothes were on . The room showed no sign of struggle . I checked my phone Betty posted a pic of her and Tyler , they were at her farmhouse which is at a distance of one and a half hour from my house , that too if you don't get stuck in traffic . How could Tyler be here if he was with betty at her farmhouse .

This what I saw was just another hallucination . 

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26 SEPTEMBER 2019 :

They are getting worse , my hallucinations . First the basement lady , then Tyler . Now it's hard to distinguish between reality and hallucination . Dad has said that if I won't take my medications properly my condition will get worse , I should have listened to him . I need a psychiatrist especially after everything that happened this morning . I woke up with the voice of the basement women , I wrapped my self in a bedsheet and tried to ignore it because I knew it was a hallucination .

Her voice was getting louder and louder , she was calling out my name . No matter how hard I tried to ignore it , I always got this second thought what if that women was my mother , what if my mother needed some help ! What if she was trying to reach out to me ! I was having all these stupid thoughts . I had to

convince my mind so I went downstairs , the basement door was open , the lock was missing . I didn't bothered to chuckle over the lost lock , I realized that maybe my decision to investigate the hall was wrong , I decided to go upstairs and lock myself in the room . As I turned to go , I saw that the basement women was hiding under the sofa , her legs were chained , she was calling out my name , I ran toward the stairs, she was chasing me in a petrifying way . Suddenly I felt two hands on my legs , they pulled me down the staircase . My head started bleeding , I saw that the women was coming towards me , I tried to get back on my legs but I swayed from side to side and fell back . The next thing that I remember is that I woke up on my bed panting , I took a sigh of relief realizing that everything I saw was just a dream , my head was paining ,  I turned to my left and saw that my pillow was soaked in blood , I touched my head and I could feel blood . I stood in front of a mirror to get a look on myself , My head was bleeding . But if everything I saw was just a dream , then how did I injured my head . If I really fell from the staircase then everything has to be true , those hands , that lady everything . Or maybe I hallucinated everything just like yesterday , I must have slipped from the staircase , And then maybe I just walked back to my room , it's just that I don't remember that part . I don't know , I don't know what to believe , hallucinations feel more real than reality . I think that I am in need of help . I know a psychiatrist Miss Jenny , my dad took me to her after my mother passed away . I thought maybe she will be able me , so I went to see her :

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Kate " Miss Jenny , I am sorry I don't have an appointment , but I need you help . "

Jenny " Oh Kate , how are you ? "

Kate " You remember me .  "

Jenny " Of course I do , you are no longer the little girl but you are a grown up teen now . How can I help you young lady ? " 

I told her everything , about the basement woman , Tyler and the morning incident .

Kate " I don't know what's happening to me , all I know is that I can't take it anymore , Please help me . I find it hard to distinguish between reality and hallucination . Sometime I feel that nothing around me is real . I pinch myself just to make sure that I am not hallucinating again . "

Jenny " You feel like you are living in a dream and it makes you live a doubtful life whether things around you are real or not .  "

Kate "  Yes you and me , we are talking right now but deep down I am wondering if it's reality or just another hallucination . "

Jenny " You are having episodes like you said of Tyler or the basement women . "

Kate " Yes ! "

Jenny " It's a case of distorted reality , try to be strong Kate because what I am about to tell is going to be hard for you to take . "

Kate " I don't understand what is it . "

Jenny " Seeing , hearing or perceiving things that aren't really there . Maybe it is a glimpse of a person that no one else seems to see . Or hearing voices that no one else seems to hear . These experiences make it feel like cracking , can be embarrassing or even frightening .

Psychostic disorders or episodes arise when a person experiences a significantly altered or distorted perception of reality. Such distortions are often caused or triggered by hallucinations , delusions or disrupted or disorganized thinking . They involve some form of altered or distorted perception of reality that is persistent for a considerable period of time and interferes with daily functioning . "

Kate ( sarcastically ) " I get it know , it is because of my syndrome . "

Jenny " No , It's just a phase , anyone with a traumatic past is likely to experience distorted reality , the only person you were close to left you and then your dad married another women . "

Kate " Last time when I had hallucinations of my mother I ended up hurting my dad . "

Jenny " Hardly anyone suffering from psychosis are likely to be driven by their paranoia or hallucinations to act strangely in public or try to harm others . "

Kate " My dad says that whenever I hallucinate , I try to harm other , once I pushed Claire down the stairs because I hallucinated that she was running behind me with a knife , I almost killed my dog copper . I attacked a student at my school .  "

Jenny " Do you remember any of it . "

Kate " No , that's the worst part I don't remember anything . "

Jenny " Do you remember why your dad stopped you from seeing me ? "

Kate " My dad thinks that I am a danger and it's best for me to stay away from the crowd , he is not wrong though . "

Jenny " I told your dad that you were not suffering from narcissistic syndrome . "

Kate " Wait , what , no it can't be true . "

Jenny " You lost your mother , you were just mourning . Tell me have you seen any reports yourself , who prescribed the medicines you are taking ? "

Kate " My dad, he does research on medicines , I don't see any reason why will he lie to me , He will never do anything to hurt me . "

Jenny " That's what he did to your mother . "

Kate " I think you should be the one seeing the doctor . My dad loved my mom . "

Jenny " Your dad was a narcissist , that's why your mother left him . "

Kate " You have lost your mind , I am leaving . "

Jenny " Your mother maintained a diary and she enstilled that habit  in you , she had a reason for that "

Kate " How do you know all this ? "

Jenny " I was your mother's best friend , Okay listen , narcissistic disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity , need for admiration and lack of empathy . It is their need that matters . They take self -absorbtion to a high altitude , convinced that they are so rare that few are capable of understanding them . In other words their feet are seldom on the ground . Have you ever felt this way ? "

Kate " No , nor have I seen my dad so self absorbed . "

Jenny " You don't believe me , do you ? "

Kate " It's hard to believe , my dad is the only person in the world I trust . "

Jenny " I can understand , truth is always bitter . The label narcissist is used loosely these days , typically to indicate anyone who is vain and selfish , but the true personality disorder and its traits run much deeper , and carry long - term debilitating effects for those involved with such people . If you were raised by a narcissistic parent or are in a relationship with a narcissist , you will likely feel more like an object to be used and manipulated . They insult you in a sarcastic way . Makes you feel you are vulnerable . "

Kate " Dad was never around much . "

Jenny " What about his rage ?  "

Kate " His rage is scary , he starved me for a week in the basement because he thought that I was indisciplined , but he was not wrong , I was never able to stand up to his expectations . I am a nightmare child . "

Jenny " That's how narcissist manipulate your mind , that's what he did to your mother , he abused her and then next morning he acted like the abuse never happened , he tried to convince her that something was wrong with her , so she started maintaining a diary and kept a track of everything . It's hard to end a relation with a narcissist even when you know that you are being mistreated because they utilize positive and negative emotions or moments to trick you . Your mother came to me and I suggested her that she should leave him . "

Kate " My mother never told me anything . "

Jenny " That's because she thought you were too young . "

Kate " I don't know what to believe . "

Jenny " It will take time . "

Kate " So , will I ever be able to live a normal life . "

Jenny " Of course my child , your hallucinations are temporary . Too much stress or anxiety leads to distortion of reality , the more you will stress yourself , the more you will experience hallucinations . Try to be calm . Distortion of reality can be very disturbing because you feel like you are living in a dream and it makes you live a doubtful life whether things around you are real or not . Whenever you feel that you are hallucinating or you are in a dream try to focus on one thing , that could be a person or anything that you feel could drag you back to reality . "

Kate " What could it be ? "

Jenny " How can I tell what's important to you ? "

Kate " Okay then , I better go . "

Jenny " Be careful and if you ever think that there's something I could help you with then please let me know .  "

Kate " Thank you so much . "

Dear diary , I don't know what to believe anymore . If everything that Jenny told me was true then my entire life had been a lie . Today I came across a new term distorted reality . What is it  ? What is even reality ? Well different people will define it differently . Mostly everyone will say that everything that we see with open eyes is our reality , that is the real world . But what if it is not . World is much more than what human eyes can see . Everything we see is just a matter of our perception . We think that the unicorns , phoenix are not real .

What if they are real and we are illusions !  What if the world we see with our close eyes is the real world and the so called reality is just a mere illusion ! I know that I am sounding sick but the world appears to us just the way we want to see it . When the river of emotions bursts its banks and expectations go over the edges of reality , the brain creates hallucinations . I have spend so many years believing that I was sick everything , I saw everything from that perspective . Reality is just an illusion . Today I learned something - " DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK BECAUSE NOT EVERYTHING YOU THINK TO BE REAL IS REAL . " That sounds like a tongue twister. But what if everything that I believed up till now was the truth . Even if it is I don't want to believe it .

Anyways, I saw someone today outside Jenny's clinic today . I ignored him but then I saw him standing outside my house . He was dressed all in black . He wore a black jacket and a black hat . He vanished in a blink so maybe he was just another hallucination . Jenny said that I have to find something that could drag me to reality . But what could it be ? 

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