The Diary

DEAR DIARY , MY LIFE IS A MESS.MY MOTHER USED TO SAY ENDING SOMETHING IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST PART .WELL , I TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH HER ON IT . I KNOW IT SOUNDS STRANGE , I GUESS IT IS PROBABLY FOR THE FIRST TIME WE BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT STANDS BUT I JUST DONT FEEL THE SAME . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I AM GLAD THAT THIS IS HAPPENING . I AM GLAD THAT I FINALLY MADE THIS CHOICE.IT WASN'T EASY . IF YOU ASK ME I HAVE NEVER REALLY LOVED  MY LIFE.I FEEL TRAPPED INSIDE MY BODY . I WANT TO BE FREE . EVERY NIGHT WHEN I GO TO BED I PRAY THAT I DONT WAKEUP BECAUSE I JUST CANT FACE THIS DAMN WORLD AGAIN . I CANT LIVE ANOTHER DAY BEING ME , KATE MARSHALL . A LOT OF THINGS HAVE HAPPENED LATELY WHICH HAS CHANGED MY PERSPECTIVE TO LIFE FOREVER . I AM UNSURE ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS BUT WHAT I AM SURE IS THAT I AM TIRED OF LIVING . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  I FEEL LIKE. . . . . . . IT'S HARD , IT'S JUST SO HARD TO PUT MY EMOTIONS INTO WORDS . IT IS WEIRD WHEN YOU HAVE A LOT OF THINGS GOING INSIDE YOU AND YOU WANT TO PUT THEM DOWN BUT YOU DON'T HAVE WORDS THAT CAN EXPRESS . WORDS CAN NEVER DO JUSTICE TO MY SUFFERING TO ALL THAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH.I FEEL EXHAUSTED . I AM TIRED OF TRYING EVEN WHEN I KNOW LIFE WONT GET ANY BETTER . I ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE LIKE A NORMAL GIRL BUT CERTAINLY THAT WAS NOT SOMETHING MY DESTINY HAD IN MIND FOR ME . IT IS NOT LIKE I NEVER FOUND LOVE I DID BUT SOMEHOW I MANAGED TO SCREW IT . I ALWAYS THOUGHT WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM WAS IT HIM OR WAS IT ME ? . . . . . . I NEVER FOUND THE ANSWER UNTIL TODAY . THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE LOVED ME TOO EARLY AND I LOVED HIM TOO LATE . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I CAN FEEL THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON MY YOUNG SHOULDERS . I CAN'T SEE ANY HOPE FOR A BETTER FUTURE . IN FACT I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT I HAVE A FUTURE . I KNOW THAT DARKNESS IS WAITING FOR ME AND IF I CHOOSE TO STAY THEN IT WILL ENGULF ME . IT WILL SUFFOCATE ME . EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE SO DULL AND MEANINGLESS.LIFE HAS BECOME A CHORE I DONT WANT TO BE A PART OF . I CAN FEEL THE EMPTINESS WITHIN ME.I FEEL LIKE THERE'S A PLASTIC BAG TIED AROUND MY NECK AND EVERY TIME I TRY TO BREATH IT GETS TIGHTER AND TIGHTER .  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  I FEEL LIKE I AM DROWNING , EXCEPT I KNOW TO SWIM . I FEEL LIKE I HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE ROAD ONLY TO FIND THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF WITH DEADLY JAGGERED ROCKS BELOW . I CANT GO BACK TO WHERE I CAME FROM . THERE'S NO SIDE ROAD TO TURN TO.THE AIR IS WHISPERING IN MY EARS " JUMP DOWN ". I FEEL LIKE THERE ARE TWO PERSONS INSIDE MY HEAD , ONE IS DEPRESSED AND WANTS TO END IT THE OTHER ONE KNOWS IT WILL GET OK.BUT WHEN ? ? ? ? WHEN WILL THING GET BETTER ?  WILL THEY EVER GET ?  OR ITS JUST LIKE STUPID GOAL THAT YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE SO BAD .YOU KEEP LIVING EVERYDAY MAKING STEPS TO ACHIEVE YOU GOAL WHAT YOU FAIL TO REALISE IT'S IMPOSSIBLE .YOU BLINDLY KEEP ON TRYING AND TRYING AND TRYING . OF COURSE THERE'S AN INNER VOICE THAT TRIES TO WARN YOU BUT ALL YOU DO IS IGNORE THAT. THERE IS A VOICE THAT CHASES ME.EVEN IF I AM HAPPY FOR A SINGLE DAMN MOMENT IT WHISPERS INTO MY EARS THAT " YOU LAUGHTER WONT LAST LONGER" ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ IF YOU ASK A KID THAT WHAT THEY WANT TO BE IN THEIR FUTURE THEY WILL SAY A DOCTOR OR DANCER OR ACTOR . BUT WHENEVER I WAS ASKED I USED TO SAY THAT I WANT TO BE HAPPY BUT NOW I AM SCARED OF HAPPY DAYS BECAUSE I KNOW THEY WONT LAST LONGER.SO I USED TO BUILD A SHRINE AT THE CORNER OF MY BEDROOM AND PRAY FOR THE WORLD TO PAUSE SO THAT I CAN LIVE THAT MOMENT FOR LONG EVEN IF THATS JUST A MINUTE . I KNOW I HAVE SAID THESE WORDS TO SOMEONE SPECIAL OR MAYBE I HAVE'NT , IT'S , WE CAN SAY STRANGE . I THINK THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF I HADN'T LEARNED SO MUCH . I TRIED TO CONFINE EVERYTHING WITHIN ME AND LIVE A LIFE OF PRETEND BUT HOW LONG CAN I LIVE LIKE THIS , IT HAS TO END . PEOPLE SAY THAT YOU HAVE TO FIND A REASON TO LIVE BUT NO ONE TELLS WHAT TO DO WHEN THE ONLY REASON YOU EVER HAD GETS SNATCHED FROM YOU . I HAVE LOST EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE EVER WANTED . I AM TIRED OF GRIEVING . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  WELL THINGS USED TO BE DIFFERENT WHEN MY MOM WAS THERE . EVERY PERSON I LOVE LEAVES ME . WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME ? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY .  ITS FINE NOW . EVERY THING IS FINE BECAUSE I HAVE DECIDED THAT I WILL NO LONGER BE A PART OF THIS CHAOS . I WILL END THE CAUSE OF MY TROUBLE ,  MY LIFE , KATE'S LIFE KATE WILL BE GONE FOR GOOD .  THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT TOMORROW . WELL ACTUALLY NOTHING WILL BE . NO ONE WILL MOURN FOR ME , NO ONE LOVES ME NOT EVEN MY SO CALLED FAMILY  . OH  EXCEPT MY CUTE LITTLE DOG , MY BESTFRIEND MY COPPER . SOOOOOO YESSSSSSSS GOODBYE WORLD , THANKS FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE RUINED .  I DONT LOVE YOU . PS : I KNOW THAT YOU ALSO SHARE THE SAME FEELING . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .