BROKEN & SCREWED (BS #1)

Chapter 5

5

That was my last night with Jesse. He left for Grant West a few weeks later, and I got ready for my senior year in high school. It wasn’t the same as last year. So much time had passed. Last summer, I was still reeling from Ethan’s death. I was trying to figure out how to move on, to survive, but this year was a bit different.

I existed before.

I was trying to live now.

As I walked into school on my first day as a senior, I couldn’t stop the sadness inside me. Ethan had been a great senior. He had led where Jesse was supposed to take over. Then both of them were going to room together at the university. While he would never fulfill their promise to attend college together, Jesse fulfilled the plan of ruling his year being a senior. He stopped being my friend and staying at my home, he excelled in every way that he and Ethan planned. He took over in sports. He excelled in his studies and graduated as the valedictorian. And he received seven full scholarships because of his work.

He did it all by mastering the one thing I couldn’t seem to get a handle on. His emotions. When I was lost in them, drowning in all sadness able to barely hold my head above water long enough to exist, he perfected the art of not feeling them at all.

He had gone from a nice guy to a badass womanizer.

Jesse had left our school with the reputation of a player, but after this past summer, I wasn’t sure if he had wanted that reputation.

Though we hadn’t talked much that last night, our time together hadn’t been just for i*********e. We had made love. It had been slow. It had been tender. And when morning came, neither of us had wanted to see that first ray of sunlight. Even when we had, we both ignored it. I had stayed in his bed through my shift at the mall. His phone had gone off, but he ignored it as well. And then during that evening, I finally pulled myself from his bed.

I was the one that had left, but he hadn’t argued with me.

We’d stared at each other as the door closed, and then it had been done.

I took a deep breath as I had gone to my car. My body had been numb that evening. The feeling hadn’t left. It was still with me.

The sounds of lockers slamming penetrated it and I lifted my head.

Angie was there with Justin. They both waved, but it was perfunctory, and they went right back to their cuddling. Marissa was at the end of the hallway, dressed in her cheerleading uniform for the football game that night. Eric wasn’t far away as he stood with his friends, most of whom were on the football team. He wasn’t dressed in his jersey, and it took me a moment to remember that he played basketball and not football. He would’ve been on Jesse’s team.

As I went to my locker, both of my friends separated from their groups and headed toward me. A part of me felt bad. They shouldn’t have to stop their fun to make sure I was okay. That was something I felt they’d been doing for over a year now.

“Hey!” Angie gave me a bright smile. She had her books in her hand and hugged them to her chest. “What class do you have first?”

“I don’t. It’s my free period.”

“Oh.” Her smile faltered. “I have college biology. I thought you were going to take that with me?”

I shook my head. “I took it last year.”

“You did?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I—uh—school was all I kind of focused on last year, you know?”

“Oh right. I forgot.” She blinked a few times and then nudged Marissa.

“So, hey!” She jumped forward. Her cheerleading skirt swished around her. “I know it’s stupid that our first day of school is on a Friday, but there’s a party at Eric Nathan’s house tonight. Are you going?”

“Yeah.” Angie giggled. “No seniors from last year are around. They’re all long gone.”

“Yeah!” Marissa whooped. “We rule this school now. Hells yeah.” She bobbed her head. Her ponytail swished up and down and she did a little cheering motion as she did. All in all, she caught the attention of every male in our vicinity.

“Hey, uh,” I spoke up.

Both of their grins slid away and all attention was back on me.

I sighed. Was this how I wanted it? To take away their fun all the time? But I managed a smile and cleared my throat. “So I was wondering about Casey and her friends this year. I know they aren’t too happy with us.”

Marissa snorted. “Oh please. Let me handle her. It will be my pleasure, Alex. You just worry about being you, all perfect and beautiful. We mortals can only hope to be as perfect as you.”

My eyes went wide. Was she kidding? “Are you serious?”

She just frowned and shrugged as she turned away.

I glanced at Angie. “You feel that way, too?”

Her eyes darted from me to Marissa before she let out a surrendering sigh. Her hands dropped to her sides still with her books, and she gave me a helpless grin. “What do you want me to say? You don’t do anything intentionally, but you are kind of perfect. I get angry and lash out. Marissa screws around with guys and does your dirty work.”

My mouth fell open. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”

Marissa rolled her eyes and looked back with a frustrated huff. “Oh come on, Alex. You don’t say anything wrong. You don’t do anything wrong. You always look gorgeous. I mean, look at you. You’re tall and thin. You have a nice ass and boobs. Ethan was drop-dead gorgeous, and you’re the female version of him, all dark eyes and full lips. I feel like you wake up and your skin naturally sparkles.”

Angie barked out a laugh. “And here I thought she woke up in the morning and little birds helped do her hair.”

They shared another look of amusement. “And mice run in her dress while the birds drop it over her. And everything fits perfectly as her horse puts his head through the door’s window and has her hairbrush in his mouth.”

They dissolved into laughter, but I could only stand there in shock. Really? That was how they thought of me? A disgruntled rumble started in my stomach, and I felt it rise up at an alarming rate. I was nauseous a second later and felt vomit in my throat. Did they not realize what they had lectured me on a month ago? But maybe they didn’t remember it. Maybe they had forgotten how Jesse only had to snap his finger, and I was at his beck and call.

A shiver raced up my spine. He was gone. I wouldn’t see him, I didn’t know when or if I would see him again.

When the bell rang, Marissa and Angie stopped sharing Snow White jokes at my expense and sighed. Angie groaned. “God, here we go. First period, girls.”

Marissa wiped at her eye and sniffed. “Yeah, we can do it. It’s the beginning of our last year.”

I looked at them as if they’d both lost their heads.

They rolled their eyes at my expression. Angie headed out first with a grin, “I’m off to college biology. See you two later.”

Two other cheerleaders whisked Marissa away before either of us could reply, but as I watched them, I was happy for them. Justin held his arm out for Angie as she came to his side, and the two of them walked together down the hallway. On the other end of the hallway was Marissa. Half her friends seemed to bounce in excitement down the hallway while the other half, like her, seemed to strut. Guys turned and watched their group. From the hidden smirks and winks, Marissa’s friends were fully aware of the power they had over the male population.

“Hi!”

I jumped out of my skin as I whirled around, patting my chest and trying to regain my breath when I realized it was just Eric. He had a small grin that matched the whites in his blue eyes, which were warm as he looked down at me.

“Hi.”

“What class do you have?”

“I have a free period now.”

“So . . .”

“So, probably the library. Why?”

“Oh.” He bobbed his head in approval. “A bunch of us are headed to the cafeteria. It’s way easier to work and stuff there, plus there’s the vending machines. We can’t snack in the library. Or talk. You wanna come? It’d be fun to talk.”

“Talk?”

“Yeah. Talk. You know, see how your summer went and everything. I was looking for you at a bunch of the parties this last month, but I didn’t see you. Were you sick?”

“Oh no.” Jesse had been at those parties. “Nothing like that.” I hadn’t wanted to prolong the good-bye or worse, end up getting attached to sleeping in his bed.

“Oh. Okay.” He scratched his head. When one of the football players shouted his name, he flashed them a grin. “Do you want to come? Chester was in Mississippi all summer, and I guess he’s got some doozies for stories.”

“Uh.” I was lost. Did I want to talk? Did that stand for more? And then I shook my head at myself. I needed to relax. “Yeah. I’ll come to talk.”

His smile froze for a moment, but then he doubled its brightness. “Good. That’s awesome. I’ll buy you a soda even.”

I laughed at myself. Oh dear. Look at me, so tense at getting a soda from someone. I was an i***t. “Thanks. I’ll get the next time.”

Eric laughed beside me as we turned for the cafeteria. “Sounds great. Think of it as a date.” And he winked at me before he opened the door over my head and I passed under his arm.

As I went through, something flooded me. It felt good, relaxing. It felt right. My chest loosened a little bit. I could breathe easier. It lasted about a second. I watched in horror as Eric sat. He tossed his bag to one empty stool and hopped on the other one. As he rested his forearms on the table, his smile seemed contagious to the people across from him. One of them was Jesse’s ex-girlfriend, Sarah Shastaine.

She gave Eric a shy smile and then tucked a strand of her soft blonde hair back. When he turned and motioned for me to join them, she turned as well. The same horror was in her eyes. I saw it for a split second before she turned away, but it was enough. Hurt, fear, longing, and another emotion all flashed over her face. My chest was so tight again.

Sarah Shastaine was perfect. Angie and Marissa might’ve given me grief about being perfect, but she was the real deal. She was petite with a heart shaped face. She was nice. She was popular. So many guys lined up to date her, and I’d heard one of them groan to his buddy that he wanted to scoop her up and shield her from the world. There was something fallen in her demeanor.

Had Jesse done that? Had he hurt her that much?

Had he broken her? Tears came to my eyes, but I held them at bay. Was he going to do the same to me? But that was preposterous. I hadn’t seen him in a month. I didn’t know the next time I would see him.

“Come on, Alex!” Eric gestured to me again. His smile seemed so genuine.

I was the worst person in the world.

As I sat, Sarah peeked up and gave me a cautious wave. “Hi, Alexandra.”

“Sarah.” My tone was equally as cautious. What was she going to say?

Then she cleared her throat. It was so soft and dainty sounding. All the bigger guys in the room positioned themselves toward our table. I knew they wanted to protect her still.

Her eyes were downcast as she played with her notebook. “How’s Jesse doing?”

From the slight hitch in her tone, I knew she was still in love with him. I knew it. I was horrible. My voice came out raspy. “He’s . . . okay.”

She looked up. Her blue eyes were startlingly beautiful. They shimmered as they held mine captive. “Really?”

I jerked a shoulder up.

Another sad smile came from her before she dipped her head back down. “That’s good.”

I could hear the relief in her voice and cringed against it. She really still loved him.

“He deserves all the success that he’s had recently.”

I found myself nodding with her. “Yeah, you’re right. He’s doing really great.”

Then she grinned at Eric. “And you’re going to be as successful as him. You’ll lead our Wolverines to a state championship this year. I know it.”

“Yeah.” His grin slipped a bit and he leaned forward. The Adam’s apple in his throat bobbed up and down. As he cleared his throat, he glanced down at the floor. “I’ll sure try, I know that much.”

“What does she mean?”

He shrugged. “Nothing much.”

“Oh, that’s not true.” Sarah reached forward and placed her dainty hand over his. “He’s the starting forward this year. And our captain.”

“Really?”

He lifted another shoulder and looked away. “It doesn’t mean much.”

“It means a lot, Eric.” Sarah disagreed with him. Her sparkling eyes wouldn’t look away. “Jesse had big shoes for you to fill, but I have no doubt you’re up for the job. You’ll do wonderful.”

He laughed, but the sound was uneasy.

I straightened in my seat and reassessed Jesse’s perfect ex-girlfriend. Who was she kidding? I wasn’t intending to be mean, but Eric couldn’t fill Jesse’s shoes on his best day. Jesse was going to go professional. Everyone knew that. Eric would be lucky if he got a scholarship at a lower level college. I might’ve checked out from a lot of school activities over the last year, but that was the truth. Even I knew it. For her to pump him up, make him feel as if he could do what Jesse could, told me a few things about Sarah Shastaine.

But I bit my lip.

Eric seemed uncomfortable, and he kept glancing at me. When I gave him a small smile, he relaxed, but his shoulders still drooped. I turned to Sarah. Her smile was still dazzling and the warmth in her eyes didn’t shift away.

It really only occurred to me right then that she believed what she just said and didn’t see one ounce of harm in it.

As she glanced at me one more time, I took a second to try to see what was under her surface. I had always thought of Sarah as an angel, but now I wasn’t so sure. Then again, I had never asked why Jesse had suddenly ended his thing with her. I always figured it was because of Ethan. It had been the same time he had stopped staying at our house and the beginning of when he turned from nice guy into cold-hearted player last year.

Maybe there was another reason.