keep pushing forward

chapter 18

Jenna.

I felt so free. I had t laughed like this in so long, my stomach actually hurt.

we'd eaten the pizza Shane brought over while sitting on the porch. then after we all three the football together, they even talked me into getting on the trampoline. which is why I had been laughing so hard.

now we were inside cooling off a bit, Duke had made himself at home at home in Jacksons room with him as he laid on his bean bag playing his game.

they looked so cute just hanging out.

I think Jackson may have wore poor Duke out.

Shane sat beside me on the floor as I flooded and sorted laundry.

I smiled over at him, just admiring him, I don't know if I'll ever get used to having him around. have someone help out or even to just chat with.

he held up his hands and I blushed seeing he had my panties.

" give me those"

I squeaked and he chuckled spinning them on his finger.

" I don't think I've had the pleasure of taking this off yet"

I blushed my mouth hanging open as he held them out once more.

they were just a simple lacy panties, like most of what I wore expect these were dark red.

" and if you don't stop you won't ever get to"

he held them to his chest acting like I'd hurt him and I tried to get them away but he got up holding them over his head so I got up trying to reach them and he started tickling me with his other hand

" stop!"

I laughed and he just chuckled

" are you gonna be nice?"

through laughter I said

" I was being nice"

he smirked down at me

" okay okay. I'll be nice"

he stopped tickling me and brought my panties down holding them out for me

" I expect to see these soon"

I blushed taking them from his hand shaking my head.

we sat back down and finished folding.

once it was done we climbed on the couch and be grabbed a blanket letting me lay my head in his lap then covering me.

we flipped through the channels and landed on a movie.

I laid there playing with his rough fingers just thinking.

I liked this feeling. I liked just hanging out and laughing. I hadn't ever had this.

Shane.

she was laying there playing with my fingers and I softly ran my hand through her hair, it wasn't long before her hand stopped playing with mine and she just held on to it.

I looked down at her and she'd fallen asleep.

I smiled taking my phone out and taking her picture.

then I decided to text tony.

me- I think I'm falling for her.

a simple message but yet it was the truth. it was what was on my mind. could I seriously be in love with her already? I mean I loved everything about her, and God the thought of being around her and being this carefree and happy makes my heart race.

I knew I was gonna have to introduce her to mama soon because I'm sure she'd know something's was up with me next time I saw her. mama always knows when I'm keeping things, good and bad.

Tony - well I knew that the first time I met her.

I shook my head. was I really that obvious?

me- I feel silly. but damn man I don't think I want a life without her in it.

Tony - then don't mess this up man.

me-gee thanks. I'm trying.

Tony - I think you'll be fine.

gonna have a few people over for beers and a fire later if y'all wanna join.

me- I'll let you know. we have Jackson

tony- I thought it was her ex's weekend?

me - he basically bailed.

I didn't see his reply because Jackson came in the living room. he looked at his mom then at me.

he took me by surprise when he slowly pulled a handle and the couch on my end reclined.

I smiled at him and he shurgged become crawling up in my lap, some what beside me and half way on top of me.

" what's up buddy?"

I whispered as he laid his head down. he just shurgged

" got any question for me about your mama and me?"

he was quite for a moment.

" you will still be my friend right?"

I looked down at the little boy in my lap. he wasn't looking at me but I rubbed his back with my palm

" I'll always be your friend Jackson."

he nodded

" anything else?"

he shook his head no and he just laid there on my chest. I hadn't ever done this before. hell other than acting like a kid and playing I wasn't used to this. I didn't mind it. I was starting to realize he and Jenna both liked to cuddle. I'm sure he gets that from her, they probably snuggle and watch movies all the time.

I remember when I was younger my mom's lap being my safe space. and as I got older I don't guess much as changed for me.

" will you come watch my games?"

I smiled even though he couldn't see me

" I wouldn't miss them for the world"

we sat there like that for I'm not sure how long.

and I just soaked it up. I was happy the little guy liked me.

Jenna phone started ringing on the table beside us and she stirred a bit and Jackson leaked over at it.

" it's dad"

he said look down and I raised his chin to look at me

" well let's wake mama and let her talk with him"

he nodded and we both leaned over her and kissed a cheek as she stirred a bit more.

groaning as she opened her eyes I smiled down at her as Jackson giggled.

" dad's calling"

she raised up a bit rubbing her eyes. I knew she was trying to figure out the duty as she looked from me and Jackson. he just handed her the phone and she leaned over kissing his cheek before answering.

I could only hear her side.

which was just a

" hello?"

" yeah we are"

" yes he is"

with that her eyes found mine. then she said

okay beforehand hanging up. she pulled Jackson from my lap on to her and cuddled him

" dad says he's coming to pick you up for a sleep over."

she whispered to him and he nodded

" do I have to?"

she sighed

" you know you always have fun once you get there"

he sighed out modding

" but I wanted to hang out with Duke"

she giggled and I laughed

" don't worry buddy he will be aroun a lot more"

I said as I ruffled his hair.

he perked up a bit and she told him to go grab a change of clothes for the night and his games.

when he got up I pulled her into my arms and she snuggled in

" I didn't mean to fall asleep, how was Jackson?"

I kissed the top of her head

" don't even worry about it love. he was good. we chatted a bit and I got an invite to a game"

she looked up at me smiling and I kissed her lips

" looks like it's just us tonight "

I whispered and she smiled

" what do you wanna do?'

I shrugged

" we can figure this out once Jackson leaves."

she nodded

" I hate he does this to him. the back and forth is hard enough"

I squeezed her in my arms

" he's happy and healthy don't stress about the rest"

she sighed as she kissed me before getting up and I'm assuming going to help him look for his things. I got up and called for Duke to take him for a walk.

it wasn't long Jackson came to join me

" will I see you when I get back?"

he asked and I smiled down at him

" how about once you come back home you call me and I'll come hang out"

he smiled and we first bumped.

soon after Matthew pulled up in the driveway, he didnt get out and I wasn't sure how their drop offs and pick ups normally went. but he honked his horn and Jenna came out with Jackson's bag.

he loved on Duke before fist bumping me once more then running to Jenna. they talked for a minute then they hugged and he ran off.

he waved as they drove off and I walked over wrappings jenna up in my arms kissing her cheek

" it never gets easier"

she breathed out and I smiled. she wasn't happy he was leaving, even though it meant she was free for the night. she was honestly a hell of a mother.

" I'm sure it doesn't but he will be back before you know it"

she turned in my arms hers going around my neck

" so what are your plans for the rest of the evening?"

she asked and I shrugged

" well I guess that's up to you. are you tired of me yet?"

she bit her lip shaking her head

" hm well we could stay in. go out. or Tony is having a few people over for a fire and a few drinks."

she nodded and I could tell she was thinking

" what do you want to do"

I squeezed her ass

" I'm down for anything as long as you promise to spend the night with me"

she giggled

" well it's up to you. we can go to Tony's if you want I don't mind"

I kissed her nose

" we can go for a few beers. you can meet everyone a bit more"

she nodded bitting her lip again

" don't stress darlin I'm not him."

she breathed out nodding

" okay. uh yeah I'll just have to change "

I looked her over, she had on comfy shorts and a tee. I shrugged

" if you want but if isn't anything fancy I'm going like this"

I was just in shorts and a tee as well.

she cleared her throat as she pulled back from me running her hands through her hair

" you want me to go like this?"

I shrugged

" I don't see whynt."

her brows scrunched together

" um okay. well let me just freshen up".

I whistled for Duke and he came running back.

Jenna.

I wasn't expecting Jackson to leave for the night but I wasnt gonna argue with Matthew.

now that I was standings in my bathroom by myself I was freaking out.

why had I agreed to go with him to hang out with his friends?

I sprayed on some perfume, pulled my hair back into it's messy bun.

my phone chimed bringing me phone my thoughts and it was Matthew.

I knew that it probably wasn't anything good, I also saw a message from Macy I'd missed.

hers was a picture of her and Calvin and that brought a smile to my face.

she let me know she was gonna be home soon. so I texted her back and told her to enjoy herself and call once she got back.

I missed my best friend but I was happy she was happy.

then I read Matthews.

Matthew - hey. Jackson is good, we're gonna go see a movie and grab dinner. I really want to set aside a time for you and I to talk next week before I go back to the rig. just let me know when it's best.

I set my phone down and I began to spiral. I repeated that going out with Shane tonight wasn't a big deal, he wasn't Matthew.

and speaking with Matthew wasn't a big deal, I had done that so many times.

over and over I told myself it'd be okay.

but the voice in my head got so much louder.

" are you really going looking like that?"

" you look a mess at least fix yourself"

" if you flirt with anyone we're coming home"

" don't act so comfortable with them"

" your shorts are basically showing your ass"

I leaned my hands on the counter trying to shake the voices, I knew it was just the negative I was used to flooding in. I knew that Shane hadn't given me a reason to spiral this way.

" I'm okay. I'm enough"

I tried to repeat in my head.

I felt his hands on my shoulders and he began to massage them.

" breath Jenna"

I tried to listen to his voice.

he pulled my body into his so my back was pressed to his chest, one of his hands held me right under my breast. the other was rubbing my throat.

" breath darlin. in and out"

I let myself follow his breathing. it's been a while since I've had a panic attack, usually I'd just let it pass and go out with a smile like nothing happened.

" that's it just breath"

his hand held me close and the one on my throat was rubbing softly.

my breathing matched his now and I was coming down. I looked in the mirror and saw this large man behind me holding me so gentle. tears came to my eyes, I was such a f*****g mess.

" take a drink "

he said his band that was around my ribs holding a cup in front of me I hadn't even seen him set down.

his other hand working it's way to my hair rubbing my scalp as I sucked down some of the drink.

coughing a bit at surprise when the alcohol hit my throat.

I wasn't expecting it.

he chuckled behind me

" slow down killer."

I looked at him through the mirror.

I felt so bad for him finding me this way.

" I'm so sorry. I'll be good to go in a minute"

he def the cup down holding me once again and he kissed along my neck

" what happened darlin?"

I shook my head feeling so stupid.

his hand ran down rubbing my throat once again, I don't know why but it calmed me. the pressure of it letting me know I was okay.

" we aren't going anywhere until you talk with me."

I squeezed my eyes shut.

" the negative just got to loud. you said I could go like this but I know I look a mess and I meeting your friends once again so I completely understand if I need to fix myself up some.

and my shorts I don't want them to cause any problems. and to top it off Matthew wants to sit down and talk"

he continued to rub my throat kissing my neck softly

" mm you smell amazing for one. I'm sorry you felt this way and I didn't get here sooner."

my eyes found his in the mirror

" as for the rest, we are going to a bon fire, if you feel like dressing up because it's something you want to do. okay I can wait while you do that. but I have absolute no problem with you going exactly the way you are, you to me look f*****g fine."

he squeezed my breast making my mouth fall open.

" mm and these shorts."

his hand went to my bottom squeezing, running his hand up the side of them and parting my legs enough he could squeezed my thigh.

" that make your ass look damn good. do I want you to come and join me with my friends looked fine as hell? hell yeah I do. I know you are way out of my league and show you off just boost a man's ego a bit"

my mouth was hung open. I was speechless. I couldn't believe this man was so secure with himself that he wanted to show me off. I couldn't believe you thought I was out of his league.

he wrapped his arm back around me and the hand rubbing my neck hadn't stopped

" as for Matthew let's make a deal for tonight. if it doesn't have to do with Jackson then Matthew is out of site out of mind"

I nodded smiling a bit. that did sound nice.

" if you don't want to go love we don't have to "

he whispered in my ear

but I shook my head breathing out again.

" no I want to."

he nodded kissing my cheek as he let me go.

" go easy on that. just thought I'd help you let loose a bit"

I giggled

" yeah that's for the warning"

he chuckled.

" no rush darlin. I'll just be taking Duke for another walk"

I smiled and nodded at him as he left the bathroom.

I cleaned my face up and applied a bit of mascara. fixing my hair a bit.

I took a drink of my drink, whiskey and coke. mixed just the way I like it.

I sighed out looking myself over and I smiled into the mirror, the only way this night ends bad is if I let the negative take away my happy.

with that I grabbed my phone and cup heading for the kitchen to find the rest of my things.

I grabbed my wallet and keys and walked out side finding Shane and Duke sitting on the porch.

he looked up when I shut the door.

" absolutely beautiful"

he said winking at me and I shook my head

" I'm ready when you are"

he nodded getting up.

" so you want to drop Duke at my RV?"

I shook my head

" you can just let him stay here, he has that food you brought him and his water."

he smiled nodding

" come on Duke."

and with that they went inside.

the ride over wasn't bad, I drank some of my drink and he held my on to my thigh. think it was his way of letting me know he was here if I needed him.

when we pulled down the long driveway I was shocked, Tony's land was beautiful even as it was getting dark.

when we got out of his truck he helped me down and whispered in my ear that he was here for me, and don't over think.

that helped me get through the meetings. it was just Ronnie, Ben, Tony, a girl named Samantha that Tony was seeing and her friend Brittany.

everyone was sweet and of course Tony hugged me and so did Ben.

the girls were nice enough but I could tell we wouldn't be friends.

now I was sitting on the back of Tony's tailgate with Shane and Tony chatting.

" come look at this thing man it's huge"

Tony said to Shane, he looked down at me and I knew he was asking what I wanted. I smiled nodded at him.

" go look at the snake he killed, I'd rather not"

they laughed as they hopped down

" need a refill?"

I bit my lip thinking

" I'll get you home safe doll. just enjoy"

I nodded

" okay then. as long as he has the stuff if not no big deal"

Shane chuckled

" he's always got alcohol"

I laughed shako my head as they walked away.

I looked over the fire breathing out. it felt nice out tonight and it felt good not to be looking over my shoulder.

Shane wasn't gone long, he came back standings between my legs facing me one hand around my bottom while he held his beer in the other.

I had my cup sipping it and smiled

" how do you know how I like it"

he winked at me

" I know you darlin"

I blushed thankful it was darker now and maybe be couldn't see.

" so I didn't know Tony had a lady"

he chuckled

" oh yeah. next time I'm sure it be a different one"

I let out a laugh shaking my head.

" and the other girl?"

he looked at me sipping his beer as he shook his head.

she was a very pretty girl, tall skinny blonde.

" I'm not dumb ya know"

he raised a brow at me and smiled shyly

" we both knew when it happened it wasn't anything more"

I smiled shaking my head. I didn't have anything against one night stands or flings. I just wasn't sure I could do that without catching feelings.

" I'm not judging. she's very pretty"

he squeezed my bottom

" she was willing. that's about all I knew that night"

I pushed his shoulder

" Shane!"

he shrugged

" what I never said I was a saint. I had my own wild days. trust me much wilder than I ever needed to be. I'm not proud of some of it but it happened I can't change it"

I smiled at him. I loved how honest he was, with me and himself.

I don't know what came over me I leaned in and kissed his lips.

blushing when I pulled back but he kissed me again.

" don't be scared to kiss me in public woman"

he whispered against my lips and I smiled shyly.

I wasn't used to this closeness in public, but I'd learned the night Macy met Calvin Shane actually enjoys it. he doesn't mind giving me attention even with people around. and it isn't possession feeling. it feels like he just wants to hold me, like he knows I like to be held.

" y'all have some explaining to do"

Ben said coming up and Shane chuckled. I just sipped my beer as he hopped up on the tail gate beside me.

he bumped my shoulder

" how in the hell did this one talk Jim into meeting you?"

I giggled

" he actual crashed our outing at the watermelon festival here in town. I don't think he has asked my uncle to start with"

Ben raised a brow

" well damn! I was back home in Mississippi at that time"

I giggled as he punched Shane in the arm playfully

" hey man I had invited you to hang out that night"

Shane said and Ben let out a laugh nodding

" yeah and damn if I shouldn't have. maybe you'd be with me miss Jenna "

he bumped my shoulder again wiggling his brows. I knew he was only joking around now. and by Shane chuckle I knew he wasn't getting upset.

" oh man. alright come on I know Jim so I know you know how to do this Jenna!"

Ben said excited and I laughed shaking my head.

I had no intention of dancing tonight.

Ben hopped down and took my hand

" come on now let's see the moves"

I looked at Shane and he just smiled shrugging.

I shook my head biting my lip.

Ben let go of my hand and Shane pulled back and helped me off the tailgate, kissing my cheek

" I'll get the next one"

he whispered in my ear and I looked at him, he had a smile as he nodded at me. I nodded back.

I breathed out. okay I can do this. hell I have done this lately. no big deal.

Ben took my hand and Shane smacked my bottom as we walked away I yelped looking at him over my shoulder but he just winked at me as he leaned against the truck.

" alright miss Jenna let's see it"

Ben said as he began Dancing and I joined in.

thankful the other girls and Tony came over as well and we a did the line dance together. I was smiling, enjoying myself.

I laughed as Ben picked me up spinning me then set me on my feet. he tipped his ball cap.

" alright Jim hasn't let me down"

he said and I laughed shaking my head.

" certainly not. we used to dance in the backyard when I was younger"

we walked back over to Shane who opened his arm letting me rest against him as he handed me my drink.

" is the a bathroom near?"

I whispered to him and he nodded.

pointing and telling me where it was in Tony's shop which wasnt far from us.

" what me to walk you?"

I shook my head

" I can manage"

he nodded kissing my lips before I walked away.

I found the bathroom easily. and freshened up.

when I looked in the mirror I was smiling and I hadn't even realized it. I shook my head feeling silly.

I got my phone out and texted Macy.

me- hanging out with Shane and his friends. actual enjoying myself but miss my bestie!

she texted back right away.

macy- I'm happy you are out and enjoying yourself! when I get home we can all get together because I miss you as well and my little bestie!

I smiled at her message.

me- you just enjoy your man!

I put my phone back in my pocket and walked out.

as I was making my way back I saw the light in his barn on and wandered in.

I knew maybe it wasn't my place but I was curious.

walking in it looked like a normal barn, but then I found the most beautiful tan and black horse.

she poked her head out at me and I petted her

" hey beautiful! aren't you loving"

I cooed at her as I pet her nose.

I stood there I'm not even sure how long just petting her.

" that's lightning. she's always been gentle"

I heard from behind me making me jump a bit.

Tony chuckled as he made his way to me.

" sorry I didn't mean to be nosey"

he just shrugged as he opened lightning stall motioning for me to go in

" she enjoys company. I just saw the door open and needed to make sure no critters got in"

I nodded Lettie my hand run over her back.

" she's beautiful "

I said more to myself than him.

" she's the one we will let Jackson ride. she's older, just takes it slow now."

I smiled back at him. he was just standings in the stall doorway as I pet her.

" she doesn't do rodeos anymore?"

he shook his head smiling as he came to feed her a carrot

" not anymore. she used to win them all. had a lot of people wanting me to put up for auction so they could breed their own but this one is my favorite"

I smiled at that.

" you really love them don't you?"

he chuckled

" more than most people"

I let out a laugh

" I can understand that"

" you know he's crazy about you right?"

I looked at him confused and he smiled

" Shane. I haven't ever seen him this way. I mean yeah he's dated but there's something different here. hes smitten with you Jenna"

I giggled I'm sure blushing

" only thing different about me is baby daddy drama and a child"

Tony flicked my nose

" he likes your boy too. the drama doesn't faze him. but you. you have him wrapped. pretty sure you did after the first meeting"

I let out a laugh Shaking my head

" I like him as well. I'm not going to hurt him on purpose if that's what you are saying "

he shook his head

" not at all. just making sure you knew you could trust him. you can let all your walls down. he won't hurt you either"

I smiled breathing out

" I'm working on that"

he smiled

" alright let's get back before he thinks I made a run for it"

Tony laughed nodded.

we said goodbye to lightning and closed everything up before heading back out.

as we walked Tony threw his arm around me.

and I looked up at him, he winked

" found this one trying to steal lightning "

he hollered over at Shane who was still standing by the truck, now everyone was around it talking as well.

he looked over and laughed.

" I wasn't stealing her just getting to know her"

I said pushing his chest as he laughed.

Shane smiled shaking his head.

" how is she doing?"

" she's good enjoying retirement "

Tony told him

he removed his arm from me announcing he was going to grab a beer.

" want back up?"

Shane asked pointing to the tailgate and I nodded.

he helped me up and handed me my drink before taking his spot between my legs.

everyone was talking about the upcoming rodeos and I listened sipping my drink, enjoying Shane's hand rubbing my bottom slowly. he would kiss me ever so often or squeeze my bottom just to let me know he was still present with me as well even though he was in conversation.