keep pushing forward

Jenna. life is messy, I've always known that since I was younger and lost my parents in a car crash. being an only child and losing your parents so young was difficult. when I hit teen years I acted out, even though my aunt and uncle had taken me in and given me all the love a child could ask for. at 16 I met Matthew and my world changed, at first it was just fun. but being so young and thinking I knew everything I thought I was head I we heels in love with him within a few months. didn't take long before we'd ended up in bed together, and not long after that was I pregnant. we'd stayed together, made it work with the help of my aunt and uncle and we had started a life together. it was rocky, but he made me feel safe. he made me feel the love I needed to feel. about a year after highschool we got married and really started our life together. I was happy, I had my own little family and I didn't ask for much else. after 7 years together and 5 years married he broke that trust in me when he cheated. at the time I was a stay at home mom, it broke me. he broke me. being a stay at home mom at the time after is calmed down and let things sink in a little more we agreed I'd stay until I found a place for myself and our child. he was a good dad and I wouldn't keep his child from me. his only part was he couldnt bring her around, Stacy , while I was still in the house. we agreed and about a month later is gotten a house and a job and was some what on my feet. when I moved out he had told me he didn't want her, that he'd simple made a mistake and asked if we could start over. at first I agreed, maybe some time apart and time healing and we'd be able to work through this. but after a bit on my own I realized I wasn't happy in our relationship even before he's cheated. I'd checked out also, going through the motions. and honestly it felt so good to be on my own, without his small comments about my clothes or him getting drunk and showing his ass, then a few days later him apologize because he was just under so much stress. I'd found myself more and I was happier, even the people around me seemed to notice this. it hurt my heart deep that we probably would never work this out as I signed the divorce papers but I knew I needed to keep pushing forward I needed to keep trying to find myself before I even tried anything with him or anyone else for that matter. for the past year I wasnt interested in dating, I was being a mom, working and just trying to soak up as much of Jackson's life as I could while he was still little. it was tough on his when we first moved out as he didn't understand but now that he knows he sees his dad whenever he can or his dad isn't working he seems to have adjusted. and well me? I'm Workin through it. it's probably a little more difficulty than it should be as I was totally dependent on one man from such a young age, and the fact that he was honestly my best friend. but more so Because through out the heads he and my uncle became best friends. both working on the rig together, my uncle had gotten him the job and we spend a lot of time at their house. they were basically the grandparents to Jackson. after everything came out about us splitting my uncle was furious, wanted to fire Matthew and complete cut off contacts. hell I wanted that to in the beginning because I was hurt. but I knew after sitting with it, sitting with my own pain it wasn't what was best for my child. so they worked things out and are still friends to a point and at first we did separate things with my aunt and uncle but now I've come to terms with it and we do things all as a family. so I see Matthews often, I know he dates or whatever he wants to call it and I know he works crazy shifts so we work they to make sure he has time with Jackson. do I like seeing the man who broke my heart at just about every holiday no? but I do it for my child. we've agreed his dates don't go around him until he's sure it's actually real, he said the same for me but that would mean I actually had to go out with someone other than my best friend Macy, her and I grew up together and she had been there through it all. she knows all the dirty secrets and she supports me the best she can. now sitting here at watermelon festival with my aunt, mel and my uncle, Jim waiting for Matthew to show up with Jackson since it was his night I sip my drink breathing out. it doesn't get any easier for me, he still talks to me and says he wants to work things out. but he still makes comments once he's had a few drinks, always when no one can hear. now that my family knows he does this they are more aware of my face I guess and know when it's time to call it a day if it happens and he and my uncle always have a disagreement on those days. my aunt is sitting beside me and my uncle went to grab us some snacks. " so what are the plans for tonight?" she asks and I shrug " probably just gonna sleep in tomorrow since he will have Jackson" she nods and I know she's thinking I should go out, have fun but even if I wanted to do that Macy is out of town this weekend so I don't really have anyone id even go out with. " alright cheese fires for you and funnel cake for you" he says handicap out the food as he sits and we thank him. it isn't long before my little boy is running towards me smiling his light blonde hair he got from his dad every where, he's in need of a cut but it's summer and he wants it to grow. " mama!" he says as he hugs me and I hold him tight, even a night away is to much for my heart " hey bud how was your night?" he just shrugs steaming my fries " dad says we're going fishing tomorrow" and I smile he loves fishing. " well that will be fun" I turn to my left where Matthew has put a chair. " got his life jacket?" he nods looking me over with his light blue eyes, his hair clean cut and his face shaved as always " I do but we're just bank fishing so he won't need it" I nod turning my attention back to Jackson who has taken over my food and telling his uncle something about fishing. Matthew. we were so young when we started out, hell no one thought we'd make it as long as we did. when I f****d up I knew I had and I knew I had to come clean I couldn't sleep next to her knowing what I'd done, at first it just started out a messages and then a late dinner but then once I'd actually cheated and step out of our marriage I knew I'd f****d up as soon as I got home. she'd been home all day, running him from school to karate, making sure the house was clean and laundry was done. with dinner on the table. I always knew she was to good for me and I honestly guess that's the reason I stay so jealous over her, even now. I thought if I kept her close she wouldn't be able to go far but I pushed her out all in one night. I was greatful she's taken it as well as she did, she didn't keep our son and it took awhile but her uncle finally started speaking to me again. not like we used to but we are at least able to share a beer together now and then. I've been out and I've partied. I've slept around basically and from my understanding she still hasn't done that, I'm hoping that means she still has those feelings for me. I'm hoping that maybe if she sees I'm still the guy she used to trust so much she'd be able to give me another chance. but after a year I'm starting to think maybe that won't happen. Jim told me I needed to let her go, coparent and that's it.hes scared I'm gonna break the girl that's like a daughter to him once again, but I don't think I'd I had a second chance I'd mess it up. all the guys I work with thought I was stupid for stepping out, hell half of them hate their own lives and wished they had a wife like mine at home waiting for them after a long shift. I've gotten so much s**t talked about how one of them will scoop her up when they get the chance. but I won't let that happen. no I stay close in hopes of her finding her way back to me.