keep pushing forward

chapter 11

Jenna.

my aunt had texted last night letting me know they were gonna do a seafood boil this weekend.

this wasn't anything any different than our usual, but the thought of possibly getting to hang out with Shane made my heart beat a little faster. we hadn't really said what our plans were for seeing each other next since I'm never really sure when I will have Jackson.

Matthew,Jackson and I had just had dinner after a very long day at work for me.

it was awkward, I don't know how to explain it. he wasn't his usual rude self and he even managed to keep the comments of my clothing choice to himself.

see I knew we were just going to the local pizza place, it's pizza games and nothing fancy so after work I just put on shorts and a tee. he of course showed up dressed to the nines looking like he was about to go out on the town. he's always been this way so I wouldn't expect any different from him.

but either way we'd made it through dinner we'd all just made small talk about Jackson's games and his up coming school year, I was ready for my baby to go back to school. I feel like I miss so much time with him even though I'm not stupid I know school is important. I didn't dare say anything about that while at dinner because I didn't need the lecture from Matthew about how it was important for him to go, yes when cried Jackson's first day of school Matthew told me I was just being selfish. crazy how the small things that get said like that stuck with you, it isn't like I embarrassed him I walked him in. gave him helped him get settled and then he gave me a hug letting me know he was okay then I sat in my car and cried for a moment. I'd told Matthew later and that's when his lecture had started.

anyways now we're all headed back to my house, Jackson is gonna grab a few things and stay with him tonight, while at dinner Matt had told him he could if he wanted to.

as we excited my vehicle Matthew was behind us getting out of his

" hurry up now and don't pack everything"

Matthew hollered after Jackson who was headed inside. Jackson gave him a thumbs up.

I took a seat on my porch, wasn't really sure what to do now but I didn't really want to invite him in.

my home is my happy place.

he stood in front of me looking down at me smiling

" so that was fun."

I have him a smile as I nodded

" it was. he always enjoys when we're all together"

he sighs out and his hand reaches out as he runs his fingers down my cheek. I sit frozen not sure what to do.

" I'm still in love with you Jenna. you know this"

my eyes scrunch together. lost for words but he continues as he grabs my hand

" don't say anything right now I just needed you to know that. I may have messed up in the past but I'll always love you"

I shook my head

" Matthew I.."

he cut me off holding his hand up then he pulled his phone from his pocket

" I know you still don't know about things. but there is more and I hate to be this person. hell I hate to be the one that has to even show you this"

now I'm confused as he squeezes my hand

" what do you have to show me?"

he sighs deeply as he scrolls through his phone.

" I went over to Shane's place today. just wanted to talk get everyone on the same page for Jackson's sake. but well we never got to talk"

I c**k my head to the side not sure where this is going as he shows my his phone.

I see a picture of Shane letting a beautiful dark haired woman into his rv. I look at it and take the picture in. broken he'd do this but at the same time this was expected. I try not to let my face show any emotions as I nod

" well thank you for showing me that I'll talk with him"

he sets his phone to the side and bends down in front of me Taki my other hand now

" I'm here for you Jenna. always"

I sigh out nodding. I don't want to fight with him either in the middle of all this but I definitely won't be falling on him for support.

' I'm ready"

Jackson comes out saying. Matthew squeezes both my hands before standing up and Jackson takes his place in my lap

" you be good buddy and call if you need me"

he nods his little head

" yes ma'am"

I kiss his head

" I woke till 2 tomorrow but I will see you after"

he giggled as he kissed my cheek

" I'll see you then mama. will you feed the fish?"

I let out a laugh

" yes I'll fed the fish buddy"

with that he hops down and heads for Matthew car

" call me if you need to talk Jenna"

Matthew says and I give him a small smile

" I will. y'all be safe"

oddly he winks at me

" we always are"

with that he heads for his truck and I shake my head trying to clear it. between Matthew trying to be nice and Shane's mystery girl my head is spinning.

I take myself inside locking the door beforehand going to relax in the bath.

as I'm in the tub I look through social media on my phone avoiding calling Shane.

all day we'd texted back and forth and I was so relieved he never brought up the dinner I was having, he never acted bothered by it but now I guess it's because he was also busy.

I'd told him I'd call him once I'd gotten home and settled so I knew I had to call soon or he'd be calling me.

I sigh out before pressing call

shane-hey darlin! how was your day?

he answers in his deep voice sounds excited

me- work was a mess. and we survived dinner. Jackson went with Matthew for the night ...

I pause I have no idea what to say or how to say it.

shane-mm well sounds like maybe you can do a little relaxing before bed.

I bit my lip fighting the tears. how could he do this to me? this is part of the reason I never was interested in dating again it's only a matter of time before they stomp on your heart and if I get to far into this and he messes me up to bad it'll be harder for me to pull myself together for Jackson.

Shane - darling?

his deep voice brings me from my thoughts. I sniff and clear my throat

me- Matthew says he went by your place to talk but didn't get the chance. showed me a picture of you with a girl.

he quiet for a moment and I assume he's trying to figure out his story.

Shane - okay. wow. I can explain that if you'd let me Jenna please don't cry.

I sniff rolling my eyes

me - it's fine really. I've gotta go though so I'll talk with you later or something.

Shane - Jenna. darlin no let me..

I hung the phone up before he could finish. I don't have time for lies. or him trying to explain it away.

I pull myself from the bath.

" will I ever be good enough for a man to choose me?"

I ask myself my thoughts going crazy and the tears fall. I pull my robe on cleaning my face. wish Jackson was here so I was completely alone.

making myself a sna drink before curling up on the couch with the TV going trying to distract myself. I know Shane's texted but I haven't looked at them.

with Jackson gone for the night I can't exactly turn my phone off even if I want to.

Shane.

was I excited she was going to dinner with her ex husband? no I wasn't. it wasn't because I was threatened by him it was because I was worried he'd act an ass. but I didn't say anything

I was so happy when she'd cmed but I could tell by her voice something was wrong, something was bothering her. I had thought maybe he'd made comments that had hurt her feelings and I was a little taken back when she explained things to me.

I tried to explain it to her I did, I didn't want us ending the night like this but she's hung up on me.

I sent a couple messages basically begging her to talk to me hear me out but about 5 Minutes after they'd come unread I knew I wasn't gonna let this come between us, I knew I wasn't gonna let her go to bed believing this.

hopping in my truck I headed to her place to explain things to her.

yes I did have a woman in my rv. and honestly it was a surprise to me as well when I opened the door to the knock of my smiling lift sister.

she'd come by to check in with me. I could tell by the way she was fidgeting she had more to say than she was letting on but I just ordered us some pizza as we made small talk on our lives.

once the pizza was delivered she finally spilled the beans.

her and her husband are expecting. I could see the fear and joy all in one when she told me.

I wrapped my little sister up and congratulated her.

hell I was happy for her, her and her husband seem happy and she's a grown woman even if I sti see her as my baby sister I know she wouldn't make this dirt of decision lightly.

she had apparently been worried about my reaction which we shared a laugh over. yes when she was younger I probably would've flipped out.

and does it sting that my little sister has her life in order and starting a family before me? a little bit at the same time. I like where things are heading with Jenna. I like to think of the possibility of having the same happy my sister shows with her smile when she talks about her husband or now this soon to be baby.

we talked more and she explained she hadn't told mama yet as she wanted to make sure I didn't kill her husband first and I even spilled my guys about Jenna. she was happy to hear I have someone I'm seeing. someone who makes me smile like an i***t as she put it.

we had lunch together and she made me swear not to tell mama until she did or she'd tell her about Jenna.

then I spent the day cleaning up and doing laundry.

but now all of this is mixed up just because why he came snooping around?

negative I wouldn't let her go to bed without knowing there isn't another woman. I would never treat her that way.

pulling into her drive it was already dark and I hoped she wasn't asleep but knowing her she's sitting up letting her mind go places they shouldn't be going.

I knocked and waited and she final answered, her hair still damp I'm assuming from a shower and her perfect body wrapped in a robe. damn it! she definitely didn't make things easy for me to think straight

" what are you doing here Shane?"

her whisper brought me from my thoughts I couldn't help my eyes taking her in as she tried to cover her body more by crossing her arms. I took a step towards her and she took one back. I sighed shaking my head as I pulled my phone out.

" I needed to go you this so you weren't sitting here thinking the worst of me. I was gonna explain it on the phone but someone is ignoring me."

she sighed

" this the woman you saw in the picture?'

I asked as I showed her my phone showing her Sarah. she bit her lip nodding looking at the selfie of my and Sarah

" hm well he did see her coming in my rv. because that's my sister Jenna."

she gasped a little and I saw her eyes tear up. I lifted my hand letting my fingers gently wipe away the fallen tears

" she came over to tell me she's expecting. but you know I'd never do that to you darlin."

she sighed out before pulling away.

" this is all to much Shane. I can't deal with all this drama and keep myself sane. I have to be my best self for Jackson"

I nodded taking a step closer as she once again took one back.

" the drama won't ever end and I just don't know how to handle it. I need time."

I sighed shaking my head. we'd been doing good and here she is running again

" Jenna darling don't do this. don't run just Bec of a misunderstanding "

she scoffed

" I'm not running. I'm just trying to think clearly. you make my head a crazy and I can't have myself fall to hard into this just for it to fall apart and break my in the process I need to think of myself and my child. "

my shoulders fell. damn it! and f**k him! if he would just stay in his on damn lane we could move forward.

" look Jenna. I told you I'd take this as slow as you needed and I willing to give you time"

she nods wiping her tears

" thank you. I'll let you know once I know what I want to do"

I put my hands in my pocket trying to keep myself from pulling her in and holdings her.

" okay. I'll be waiting darling "

with that she nodded biting her lip still as she swayed from on foot to the other I knew she wanted me gone so I took my leave. letting her know to call me once she had time to think.

I knew I'd see her in a few days for the boil at her uncle he'd called me earlier but I just didn't know how that would go down.

...

Jenna.

it's been a few days. and thankfully Jackson had come home the next day so I was alone. I called Macy and she of course told me I was crazy for trying to walk away from Shane but I told her it maybe for the best. I don't know if my heart can handle all the drama that comes with this. Matthew won't ever stop and let's be honest I'm so worried Shane's gonna cheat on me now I can't even think straight.

he's sent me messages everyday but I haven't replied.

I know he said he'd wait but I just don't know.

sitting at the boil is hard. Shane's here of course and he's made small talk with me but kept his distance. I knew my aunt and uncle had questions but thankfully they didn't ask any at the moment.

Matthew is here as well and I can tell he's happy with the situation he's out my mind in. even if he didn't know it was his sister when he was starting drama. he knows how my head works be knows I'm second guessing everything.

all because of what he did to me.

sitting down with Macy watching Jackson play shes talking about the rodeo tonight.

apparently Calvin is gonna do some roping so she's insisted Jackson and I go along with her to watch. I'm not sure if Shane is riding tonight, as he hasn't said anything about it and I don't want to ask because that would be more of a reason for me to blow off Macy.

after we ate and I helped clean up a bit Macy left to get ready.

as I was getting Jackson in the car after saying our goodbyes he was bouncing in the back seat ready to go to the rodeo.

Shane walked up hands in his pockets

" you get home safe"

he says and I nod

" I will you too"

he smiled before he pulls me in for a hug kissing my cheek lightly

" I'm still here Jenna"

I sigh out in his arms. God I want to just fall back into his arms but I don't know if I should.

I pull myself from him and I went home getting myself an Jackson ready for the rodeo. I must say my little guy is so handsome I'm his little wranglers and button down shirt.

I just pulled on my jean shorts and button down as well rolling the sleeves and leaving it open.

once we got there I had to basically pull him back to me because he tried to run off to the arena.

we grabbed snacks then found Macy who was dressed to impress and I kissed her cheek

" have you seen him?'

I ask and she blushes shaking her head

" not yet. but I let him know I was here and I'm so excited to see him!"

I can't help but smile at her happiness. ever since vacation they'd been trying the long distance thing.

" so how long is he in town?"

she sighed

" just for the night then be heads back to Texas"

I side hugged her as we looked over the arena. they'd announced the roppers would be next up the. bull riding.

I sipped my beer silently hoping I'd get to see Shane ride even if he didn't know I was here.

" daddy"

Jackson says beside me and I look up and see Matthews and James walking towards us and I groan.

Matthew is enough but James is an ass. he only encourages Matthew to act an ass.

" hey bud"

Matthew says to Jackson as be hugs him and takes a sit jn front of me

" I had no idea you'd be here tonight Jenna"

he says and I fight from rolling my eyes. he never comes to rodeos and he definitely not dressed for one. I'm almost positive he heard Macy and I today.

" yeah came to see mach's boyfriend"

he nods

" hey miss Jenna"

James says offerings me his hand and I take it shaking it

" hey James long time"

he laughs

" oh yeah but you are as beautiful as ever"

I give him a smile as Matthew glared at him and he shrugged before taking his seat next to him.

I sip my beer as I'm trying to remain calm. I don't know what his plan is and I don't like him check-in up on me like this. I know that's exactly what he's doing.

we watch as the cowboys rope and stand clapping for Calvin and Macy is over the moon giddy and giggly beside me.

I went down to grab more snacks for us and one more beer for myself. next maybe I'd get to see Shane in action.

as I sat back down handing out the snacks Calvin comes up kissing Macy before saying hi to everyone else and we introduced him to Matthew and James.

Macy and him say hand in hand as they chatted.

" Jenna! Shane said you weren't coming out tonight"

I hear and my body freezes.

" hey Tony"

I give him a smile as he makes his way to our section of people

" we came to see Calvin here rope"

I say pointing at Calvin and they tip hats to one another and Tony's tells him how good he road.

after that I awkwardly introduced Tony to everyone.

my stomach turning I knew he'd tell Shane I was here with my ex husband and I mean technically yes he's sitting with me but it wasn't like I'd planned this out.

" you must be a cowboy in training?"

he Tony says to Jackson making Jackson's eyes light up. and I roll mine. the boy is gonna make my nerves go insane if he decides he wants to try any of this out.

" I love horses but we haven't ever been to a rodeo. my uncle has a friend with some I get to ride sometimes."

Jackson says excited and Tony chuckles

" well mama has a friend that has a few as well"

Jackson looks from me back to him and I laugh at his excitement

" Tony here has a lot of horses. he actually trains them"

I tell him and Jackson begins bounciest I'm his seat firing off questions and Tony's answers them happily.

they have a few riders go. and my breathing picks up as they announce Shane.

" mama is Mr Shane riding a bull?"

I bit my lip my eyes not leaving the arena as I nod

" that's so cool!"

Jackson exclaims as he hops up to stand and watch.

" really isn't anything to it Jackson he just ties himself to a bull for fun"

Matthew says and my eyes snap to him. I bite my tongue

" actually it takes a lot of time dedication to be able to prefect it the way Shane has Jackson."

Tony says and I look at him giving him a small smile silently thanking him for not getting into it with Matthew and he nods as Matthew and James scoff below us.

as soon as the gates open I feel like my heart is gonna beat out of my chest. he rides so smooth. he looks like it takes absolute nothing to sit on that big animal.

his ride is good but as he untied his hand and hops off the bull turns as soon as his feet hit the ground and his horns hit Shane in the back sending him flying.

my body goes into autopilot as I run towards the fence hopping on trying to make sure he's okay. a few other go and help him to his feet and I see the blood from his back as he waved his hat

" hey he's okay. he's seen much worse than that"

Tony says and I realize he'd followed me. his hand on my shoulder

I just watch as Shane walks out.

" Dry the tears little lady"

he says and I sniff wiping my face

" are you sure he's okay?"

he smiles at me

" come on I'll take you to see him"

I nod as he takes my hand leading me through the people. we come around a corner where they have an ambulance set up and the doors open i see Shane sitting in the as a nurse looks him over

" what are you doing back here bro you know I'm fine"

Shane's voice says and Tony's chuckled as he pulls me around in front

" little lady was worried"

Shane's eyes fall to mine and he gives me a small smile

" I had no idea you'd be here tonight"

he says and I take small steps to him. I want to know he's okay.

" is your back okay"

he shrugs

" just a scratch"

" 7 stitches but he's fine it'll bruise more than anything"

the nurse from behind him says as she stands up and hands him a few things and he nods thanking her. he pulls his shirts back on slowly before standing in front of me and he gently wipes my tears I didn't realize had fallen again.

I just want to kiss him, feel his arms wrap around me so I know he's really okay.

Shane.

man it's been a long few days and an even longer day today. I'd told Tony all the s**t that had gone down and he of course thinks Matthew needs to stop f*****g with Jenna's mind. I couldn't agree more.

after my ride and getting hit my back would definitely be sore and I'm definitely not as young as I used to be. but even more than getting hit by a bull seeing her here. her standing in front of me I can see her worry. her beautiful face covered in tears and I won't nothing more than to kiss them away but I know she said she needed time.

" I'm okay darling"

I whisper and she nods breathing in

" you scared the hell out of me!"

she yells as she hits my chest and I chuckle at her change and she rolls her eyes

" next time I'll make sure you aren't here before letting a bull get the best of me"

she hits me again pointing at me

" you need to be careful"

I hold back my laugh. I love that she's so concerned and seeing her all fired up is most definitely a turn on

" I'm sorry darling"

I say tipping my hat and she sighs shaking her head

" you are f*****g insane"

I bit my lip holdings back the smile at her little potty mouth and stern face

" how about I buy you a drink to say sorry"

she nods turning

' yeah it's needed right now"

I chuckle as I follow her watching her ass move in her shorts.

Tony's pats my shoulder. before leaning in and whispering

" be prepared '

I nod. not sure what he means but I soon find out after I got us some beers and we made our way to their seats.

that's wbe. j saw who she was here with and let's just say the pain in my back was nothing compared to the anger I felt seeing him here. with her.

I shook everyone hand and I was surprised to see Calvin as well, I'd actually watched him rope earlier and wasn't even sure if Macy knew he was in town but from the looks of them all all cuddled up she was here for him tonight.

Tony and I took a seat next to Jackson and Jenna was on the other side of him. I wanted to ask her some many questions but now wasn't the best time with Matthew smirking in my face

" how's your back?"

Jackson asks and I give him a smile

" nothing to it bud just a scratch"

he nods and Jenna scoffs and I fight my laugh again

" I can't believe you ride bulls!"

Jackson says excited and he and I begin talking about riding as I explained a few things as the others ride.

' can you sign something's for me? I've never known a real bull rider"

he's bounciest in his seat

" of course buddy"

his eyes light up

" he obviously isn't that great considering "

Matthew spits and I fight back from beating his ass in front of the ladies and his own son.

Tony places a hand on my shoulder

" Matthew!"

Jenna says and he just shrugs her shoulders falling but I reach behind Jackson to her back and gently rub it as she sighs out shaking her head. I know she is embarrassed of him acting this way but it doesn't fall on her.

the rest of the rodeo I ignore Matthew and I continue to rub Jennas back when I can. Jacksons little eyes glued to the arena.

in the end I got second and I was happy with that.

walking out she was basically trying to keep up with a skipping Jackson and I smiled at the two of them.

Macy and Calvin said their goodbyes and he shook our hands. Matthew spoke to Jenna quietly before he turned and left glaring at me as he did.

" it was good see you and meeting you little man"

Tony tells Jackson who fish bumps him and be hugs Jenna as they say goodnight. I tell Jackson good he as he hops in his mamas car. and I wait for her to shut his door

" are you okay?"

she sighs shaking her head

" just don't make it s habit"

I give her a small smile standing closer to her close enough to smell her perfume

" I mean with whatever is going on with Matthew"

her head falls

" yeah I'll be fine with all that. nothing has changed there"

I lift her chin nodding

" I'm here Jenna"

she bites his lip nodding

" I know I just don't know."

I sigh deeply I don't want to push her

" don't let him hurt you. and definitely don't listen to whatever the hell he just said"

her eyes tear as she nods

" I'll see you around Shane. get better please "

I gently kiss her cheek

" call me if you need anything "

she gives me a small smile as she gets in her car and drives off. I let out a deep breath.

he's f*****g with her head. they clearly weren't here together and he obviously had something to say that made her sad. if I wasn't trying so hard to be a better person I'd go kick his ass.

but instead I go find Tony and we head back to my RV for a few drinks.