keep pushing forward

chapter 3

Jenna.

it's been another long week of work and then Jackson's karate twice a week on top of everything else. I'm not complaining I was used to the constant going and this week Matthew was off work so he help when he wasn't busy. yesterday he had football sign ups and instead of giving me the money for him to do it Matthew was actually able to go with him for sign ups so that made him extremely happy.

the day he dropped Jackson off at home after they went fishing he accused me of spending the night with Shane, I mean yeah I'd thought about him and I'd even wondered why he was so nice but I didn't spend the night with him and I didn't even have his number. although I didn't fight with Matthew over this, I simply told him he could believe what he wanted and that just made him more mad as he stormed out of my drive in his truck. I learned a long time ago once he believes something there is no changing it.

I did wonder why Shane didn't make a move, or even ask for my number at the end of the watermelon festival but then I just got to thinking maybe he really was just being nice, that didn't mean he has to like me. that didn't mean he has to want to sleep with me and all the drama that my life brought with that.

I was a little depressed for a few days, I didn't let it show but I started thinking maybe I'd actually never find another man. maybe I was just meant to be alone with Jackson and I was okay with that. I pulled myself together and I kept going.

I'm now headed to my aunt's house for dinner, I just got off work and they are cooking fish tonight and invited us to stay for it, I'm sure my uncle invited Matthew along as well.

my aunt keeps him most days when I'm working and if Matthew is off he is free to get him during the day or whatever goes with everyone's schedules. when school starts back it'll be a more normal routine, but for now Jackson doesn't seem to mind.

when I pulled into their drive I saw everyone's cars and I knew everyone was probably on the back porch, so I got our letting myself in the front door and changed into some shorts and a tee I had here before making my way outside. didn't want to sit in this heat in my scrubs.

" hey sweet girl"

my aunt greets me as she gives me a hug and Jackson comes running up after and I pick him up hugging him and ask about his day.

he's apparently been in their little pool most of the day and hopefully will sleep like a rock tonight.

I set him down and see that Matthew is in fact here and so is Shane, I try to hide my surprise to that as the guys are all talking. I go hug my uncle and greet the others. Shane smiles at me and I can tell by the way Matthew is looking even with his shades on that he isn't exactly happy about this situation. this isn't my house I can't help this.

I find myself a seat and my aunt brings me o we a drink sitting beside me

" I hope it's okay we have everyone here"

I shrug nodding

" no problem to me. I don't think Matthew is happy"

she nods looking over at the guys

" yeah well he will have to learn that things aren't in his control"

I don't respond I just sip my drink and snack on some watermelon before she runs off to gather a few things for my uncle.

it isn't long before Matthew sits beside me

" it's a little to soon to be bringing him around our son if you just met him don't ya think?"

I fight the urge to roll my eyes

" I didn't invite him Matt if you have a problem with the situation talk to my uncle"

he huffs

" are you seriously gonna play dumb right now?"

before I can respond my uncle clears his throat and Matthew leans back in his chair acting as if he wasn't just being an ass, even though I can tell by the glare both guys are sending him they heard at least part of what he said.

" so I know you don't eat fish but are sides okay or do you want me to fix you something's else pumpkin?"

I smile at the nickname he calls me since I was little

" sides are fine thank you though"

he nods and turns to Matthew

" a word Matt?"

I can feel the irritation running out of Matthew but he gets up and they walk towards the table where my uncle is getting things ready for the fry.

" I hope I'm not making things worse for you by being here"

Shanes deep voice says from beside me and I look at him, once again he looks good

" honestly it is just the way he is"

he nods sipping his beer

" it isn't my place but he shouldn't speak to you that way"

I sigh out shaking my head

" there's more to it than my own feelings."

he nods and then asks about my day and we chat thankfully the conversations leaving Matthew and I. he starts talking about his horses and rodeos

" so you do rodeos?"

he smiles

" just a few something I do for fun because I love it"

I nod

" like bull riding or just showing horses?"

he chuckles

" I ride bulls.

"

I laugh shaking my head

" that's a rather dangerous thing to love "

he laughs also

" very true but it keeps me grounded, focused "

" I'm not sure how I'd ever feel about Jackson wanting to do something so dangerous. football is gonna be hard enough on me "

he smiles at me he's now got a cigarette in one hand and he pats my bare thigh

" trust me mama wasn't very happy about it but I followed in my dad's footsteps with that "

he says with a shrug

" you know my next weekend off I'm in the rodeo if you wanna come watch?"

I look at him raising a brow and he just smiles

" uh I'm not sure about that"

" no strings, just going to a small rodeo together. might even feed you after if you aren't tired of me by then"

I bite my lip thinking it over. I mean what could possibly happen? we'd be around other people and I'm sure if he was a bad guy my uncle wouldn't be letting us have a conversation so long.

" uh well I'll let you know maybe if I don't have Jackson I could make it"

he smiles big and I can't help but think how handsome he is. he asks for my number and I'm once again hesitant

" no crazy stuff darling just so I can contact you so I know what the plans will be"

I nod breathing out. God was things were never this hard for me in highschool. I feel like I'm giving a kidney and it isn't even a date, he's probably just trying to be nice for my uncle's sake or maybe he thinks I'd be a easy lay. we exchanged numbers and Matthew walks up as he's giving my phone back and he takes a seat

" so you tell her about your drug addiction yet? or you just leading with the bill riding because it sounds cooler?"

Matthew asks calmly my head jerks from Shane to him and I glare at him, it isn't his place to be telling peoples dirty laundry

" actually know I hadn't mentioned it yet considering this is the second time we've talked. I'm not ashamed of my past, I did the s**t and I learned from it"

Shane says just as calmly and I turn to look at him he isn't smiling anymore and I can tell since he is no longer looking at me he wasn't ready for that to come out.

" alright guys I'm going elsewhere please don't cause a drama with Jackson present."

is all I say before getting up and going towards my aunt and uncle my uncle looks at me smiling

" I hope my talk with maty helped make him chill a bit"

I shook my head breathing out

" I wasn't the one who invited Shane here I'm assuming that was you but no it hasn't exactly chilled him out he's bringing up a drug addiction Shane apparently has had "

my uncle sighs out shaking his own head

" shanes a nice guy with a past just like most people. I'm sorry Matthew is causing problems and I'm sorry if you are upset with us for playing match maker, he just wanted a chance to talk with you again with out alot of pressure and I figured maybe us all being together would break the ice. it isn't like matt isn't dating"

the last of that sentence hurts my chest, I'm not stupid I'm aware he's out doing his thing but I do think it's completely unfair he keeps such a close eye on me, like I'm his property.

I don't say anything else because Jackson comes up wanting to be pushed on the tire swing so I take that out and head over with him as he chats away with out a care in the world.

Shane.

I was happy she's some what agreed to coming to the rodeo with me in a couple weeks, and I'd even forren her number I could tell she wanted so sure about giving it but I wouldn't abuse it I would simply send her a message and take her lead from there.

she looks absolute beautiful today and man I'd thought about her all week, I kicked myself a few times for not getting her number so we could hang out or just talk some more but I know moving to fast isn't the best idea.

hearing what he has to say about me being here j could tell he was going to have a problem with me being around but honestly that was a problem for himself.

but then he brought up my drug addiction, it started with pain pills when I got stepped on by a bull and just kinda went from there. before I knew it I was using Coke like it was candy and it took a toll on me and my family.

I really wasn't ashamed of the fact because yes I was on the other side of things now and I was proud I'd come as far as I had but it wasn't something I wanted to bring up before she got to know me good, before she had a chance to see i was no longer that person.

I couldn't make out the look she gave me before she got up but I knew she no longer wanted to sit and have a conversation with me. I watched as she spoke his her aunt and uncle before going to play with Jackson

" you do know she will always have me around right. I'm not going any where"

Matthew says beside me and I look him over, I can te he's jealous of the possibility of us dating or her dating anyone for that matter.

" and you do know that I haven't said anything about that. your Jackson's father I don't expect you to disappear, but I do expect you to take this like a man and not be petty. you cheated and you lost her. that has nothing to do with me."

he scoffed as I got up and walked away, I wanted to clear my head a bit.

I walked around front and smoked a cigarette before heading back to the back, Jim had started frying and it was already smelling good. I grabbed a beer and against my better judgement I walked towards the tire swing they were playing on.

" you wanna turn?"

the laughingstock little guy asked me and I chuckled

" will it hold me"

I asked raising a brow at Jenna who nodded her head

" it should but if not this is Jim's house sue him"

I laughed as Jackson hopped off and I hopped on letting myself stay standing as I swung back and forth like a child

" you know I think I might need myself one of these"

the little guy laughed

" yeah mama likes them too we have one in our yard"

I hopped off smiling and held it for her as she looked at me then the swing and carefully got on and I swing her lightly

" I'm going to find a ice cream mama"

Jackson hollered as he ran off

" bring me one"

she called after him and he gave her a thumbs up.

I swung her a bit in the silence and she closed her eyes

" you know I was gonna tell you. it isn't a secret I just wanted you to know me first"

her eyes opened and she bit her lip I could see the wheels turning

" what was it?"

I sighed and continued to push her gently

" pills, which lead to coke "

she nodded and didn't say much for a minute and I was sweating bullets waiting for a reply

" why are you here Shane? quick hook up? some bragging rights on the rig ? or maybe you just like getting under Matthews skin?"

I stopped the swing and I held it so she was facing me but at first she didn't look up

" Jenna will you look at me please "

I asked softly and her big green eyes finally found mine and I could see all her emotions

" I'm here because I wanted the chance to talk with you again. I know things are still hard for you with your divorce and I also know that you aren't one for a quick hook up. I'm hoping maybe we'd get to know each other more, hell I've heard a lot about you and trust me when I say no this has nothing to do with bragging rights or your ex husband."

I breath out before continuing

" if I'm being honest I just wanna know you. I just want the chance for you to get to know me. start as friends and see if your even ready to date."

she bit her lip her eyes looking my face over and then all around as she let me words sink it.

" I don't want to be played "

I shook me head

" trust me that's the last thing I want to do"

she nodded and I continued swinging her again

" no questions about the addiction?"

she smiled at me softly

" when your ready and maybe we for have such eyes watching us maybe you'll be comfortable telling me. until then I can wait, I've got my win issues so I can't exactly judge yours"

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. he might have thought he was ruining my chances with her but maybe just maybe she was more understanding about things than that.

Matthew.

pissed I've been pissed for about a week thinking of him and her spending the night together even tho she denies it. but now him being here today watching the two of them talk, watching him hangout with my son. yeah no this isn't gonna work for me. we all sat down and ate together and I kept my mouth shut as he and Jim chatted away like best friends.

I hugged my boy goodbye letting them both know I'd swing by before I headed to the rig for the week.

then I waited as everyone left and I was outside alone with Jim

" what exactly are you doing Jim?"

I asked irritated and he set down his beer

" look it's been a year. she needs to try to move on and you need to stop getting in the way of that. lord knows you aren't sitting at home trying to win her back. I know your out f*****g everything that walks"

I rolled my eyes crossing my arms

" I'm giving her the space she asked for and Id appreciate it if you stayed out of our business "

he laughed angry and took a step towards me

" look here son you made it my business when you cheated. now it's time to step back and let the girl be happy. if you can't do that then I can't help you. but I won't sit here and let you play with her emotions just because you think there still maybe a chance. if there was a chance trust me the girl would've already let you know this. now you can leave and when you decide to actually change and actually treat her the way she needs to be treated then maybe I'd have more respect for you and you ideas of having your marriage back"

I threw my beer down and walked away before I did something I couldn't come back from, for about a year now weve been having these disagreements and I hate it I do. he'd became my best friend. but I can't sit back and watch as the mother of my child moves on with her life, not without her at least hearing my side of things. I think we could talk things out now, we could make us work. I'm willing to change it won't happen over night I'm not stupid but it's worth a shot.

Jenna.

when I got home that night Jackson took a shower and I did too before we curled up on the couch together and he told me about his day some more as we watched some TV. after a bowl of popcorn and some chocolate milk he was out.

my phone lite up and I picked it up seeing it was Shane.

shane- hey darling just wanted to make sure y'all made it home okay and Just to let you know I was thinking of you.

I smiled like an i***t at the phone. it'd been a long time since someone showed an actual interest in me. he says he wants to get to know each other and maybe that wouldn't hurt. even if we just ended up being friends.

me-hey yes we made it safe. watched some cartoons and had popcorn and chocolate milk I know real party on a Friday night. hope you made it back safe as well.

shane-( laughing face) not I wrong with spending a relaxing Friday night I'm sure you worked your ass off all week. I did make it home, walked Duke and now we're laid up. no popcorn but relaxing before I head back into work.

I once again smiled. he wasn't acting any different. he wasn't showing any signs of turning the conversation dirty.

me - you work a week on a week off?

shane- yes most of the time. I be out 5 days this go around. I'll be off next weekend since I put in for the time off for the rodeo a while back.

me - oh yes I forget your high on the pole you can request those extra days.

I've been to a rodeo but never actually knew any of the riders, are you any good?

shane- ( laughing face) I don't feel like I'm very high up. hopefully I am able to continue climbing but it is good to be able to get the time off when needed. I enjoy riding. I'm not to bad but don't expect me to blow you out of the water.

me-why do I feel like your just being polite?

shane-mama taught me bragging gets you no where in life. I hope the ride is good this weekend but it really all depends on the head space and the Bull.

me-well I hope you pull a good one.

I will meet you there. I'm sure you'll need to get things prepared and all that.

shane-that is completely up to you. if you are more comfortable having a get away car that is fine with me.

me- ( laughing face) you already seem to know me. maybe after I get to know you better I won't be so worried about riding places with you. I do have a son that could need me at any time

shane- and I completely understand that. even if we end up riding somewhere together I understand he comes first.

I smiled and my heart fluttered at that. I wasn't sure if he was just sweet talking me or if this was truly the way he felt but I was happy he'd said it. my son does come first, if something comes up with Jackson I won't just put him on the back burner for some guy.

we texted back and forth and we joked about now j had to carry my large 7 year old to his bed, which is definitely becoming harder and harder as he continues to grow.

that night when I finally fell asleep I was looking forward to this weekend and the possibility of hanging out with him.