keep pushing forward

chapter 4

Jenna .

the week had passed quickly, Shane and I had texted throughout the week just getting to know each other a little more. and honestly it felt good to talk with someone who actually wanted to talk with me even when it was about nothing more than what I was making for dinner.

I found it odd to tell you the truth, he was a little higher up than matt work wise but he always seems to make time to talk with me over text.

when Matthew was away at work the week he would work when married he was always saying he was just to tired to talk or to busy. so to have a man text me randomly about things like the weather or ask me I'd I liked certain food would throw me a little.

math and I had tried so hard to make things work and I always tired to respect that he has a tough job so I didn't bother him much while he was a way at work but now talking with Shane this week I have to wonder if maybe Matthew just didn't want to talk to me then, I mean my aunt always talked with my uncle even before he was running a crew while I was growing up but I thought maybe Matthew was did maybe things were harder now. and I wasn't sure how I felt about this.

how long has he been so unhappy in our marriage that he couldn't text me once a day other than telling me when he was going to bed?

now I was ready to go to the rodeo, I'd come up with a hundred excuse of why I couldn't show up but after my aunt told me she would take Jackson to the movies tonight and have him stay the night so I could enjoy myself even if I backed out of the rodeo I didn't really have an excuse.

Id done light make up, let my hair down and put on my cut off shorts, a light pink and tan plaid shirt with a white tank underneath and my boots.

I wanted to throw up, I didn't know how to do this much less what to say.

after I sat in my car for way to long, checked on Jackson and even called Macy and asked if she wanted to just do something tonight, she knew my plans and refused to be my out. so I finalize hung up with her and I got our making my way in, I didn't know if I should look for him or if I showed just didn't a seat among everyone else here so that's what I did. I found an empty seat in the stands as everyone watched the ones shoes horses.

I breathed out letting my eyes go around the crowd of people and trying not to throw up.

" hey I'm tony you must be Jenna?"

a guy has come and stood right in front of me and I looked at him confused I had no idea who he was and he laughed taking his cowboy hat off

" I'm tony, Shane's friend he told me to be looking for you"

I took his hand he had our to shake and smiled Nervous. was this a test? with Matthew this would be a test. trust me one is failed a few times.

" uh yes I'm jenna"

he smiled big

" well come this way my lady and we will have perfect seats"

I looked around and back at the guy and shook my head trying to be as polite as possible

" um I'm okay here really "

he chuckled and looked at the arena area then back at me

" really it's no problem Shane told me once you got here to bring you to the good seats, he spotted you and sent me over"

I looked around trying to spot Shane but couldn't. I cleared my throat getting up and the guy grabbed my hand as he helped me down.

" promise I don't bite and I'm not crazy. I train a few horses for the shows but I'm done now, that's why he sent me"

he says over his shoulder and I just nod, I feel so silly for actually like a child.

we take our seats and we're right behind the bull riders now so I do have a much better view

" so you are miss Jenna? my boy Shane is smitten"

I blush and fight back the girly giggle that wants to escape.

" uh yeah I'm Jenna. how long have you known Shane?"

he chuckles deep

" well since we were in diapers I'd say"

my eyes go wide and he laughs again

" oh yeah we've been causing trouble our whole lives, our families know each other"

I smile at him he seems like a nice guy

" well I think that's amazing. I've known my best friend for a while now also, not quite as long though"

he nods and looks around for a moment

" you know I think I'm gonna go grab me a beer. do you drink beer? would you like one?"

I shake my head the nervousness hits me again

" uh no. I mean yes I drink beer but I can get my own. I mean I'm not sure what Shane will think you getting me one and I can get it."

he shakes his head as he hops up

" no big deal I'll grab two while I'm out. you wait here I'm sure he's gonna wanna see you before his ride"

I'm left with my mouth open he didn't give me much room to object as he made his way down the stairs.

I shake off my nerves once again and look around.

I watch as Shane runs towards the gate and hangs over taking his cowboy hat from his head and using it to wave me over. I get up slowly and make my way towards him, standing in front of him I take him in. he's in a long sleeve light blue shirt, his riders vest I'm sure has his number on the back with his jeans and boots, with a large buckle

" hey you I'm glad you made it safe and I see tony found you"

I bit my lip.

" uh yeah he did. he seems nice."

he chuckles

" having fun?"

I nod

" rodeos are always fun. ready for your ride "

he smiles big

" I am. think I pulled a good one so it should be fun"

" well don't get yourself hurt"

he winks at me

" oh don't worry about me"

I shake my head smiling like an idiot

" I'll make you a deal. I have a good ride you have a dance with me after?"

I c**k my head to the side confused

" they have a dance hall next door, most will head over as soon as this is done if not before"

I nod understanding

" and if you don't ride good?"

he laughs

" well that'd be up to the lady"

I giggle

" I haven't danced in quite a while. I'm not even sure what I could want as part of the deal"

he smiles at me. it's a sweet smile

" don't even worry about it darling it'll all flow back."

at that moment Tony walks up and hands me the unopened beer

" one for you and one for me. you'll get one if you don't muck this up in front of the lady"

Shane reaches over and pushes his shoulder as he laughs walking away

" I'll meet you at the seats Jenna "

he hollers and I play with the beer nervously

" he um uh just said he'd grab me one since he was going to get himself one"

I say stuffed I over my own words not looking at him

" Jenna"

he calls my name over the crowd around us

and I finally look at his sweet smile again

" he's a good guy I promise. just enjoy yourself and relax darlin."

I breath out. Matthew was always calm while we were with others as well but as soon as we would get in the car to leave he'd start talking about me flirting with others or how I didn't have to actually drink what another guy has given me.

I bit my lip as I nod someone calls his name from his side of the gates and he looks over

" almost show time I'll be riding 4th. but I'll see you as soon as we're done"

" please be safe"

" always"

he winks as he hopped down I watch his butt in his tight jeans as he walks away but he turns back and jumps back on the fence surprising me

" thank you for coming Jenna. it means a lot"

I smile clearing my throat of the butterflies in my stomach

" I'm glad you invited me. now go ride cowboy"

he places his hat back on his head and tips it towards me once before he gets down walking away again. I breath out as I find my seat next to Tony

" he's got a good one so short be a good ride"

I smile at him nodding and play with the beer in my hands

" not your brand? I can see what else they have"

I shake my head trying not to seem silly

" no this is fine really"

he nods and I open it taking a sip. I think Matthew may have messed with my head more than I'd like to admit and that makes me nervous, how much of this can I deal with trying to hang out with another guy? how much of my silly insecurities can be deal with before he's had enough?

my thoughts are gone as the first bill rider is announced.

I watch closely as they ride, it's such a dangerous sport yet by the second guy I see how happy they seem to be once they get off and face the crowd.

" next we have Shane fornet on sweet candy"

I watch closely and Tony takes my hand sensing my nervousness

" he's got this."

I nod my eyes not leaving the arena be shoots out of the gates one hand up and the Bull going crazy as he tried to hold on.

he looks so calm up on the large bull and then the buzzer goes off, it seemed like forever and at the same time seemed like it didn't last long at all.

he releases himself from the bull and runs to the gate holding on waving his hat to the crowd smiling like a child as the announced his score, so far his his the best.

he puts his hat back on and walks back to his place.

Tony pats my hand

" told ya the boy is good"

I drink some of my beer laughing as I shake my head

" he might be insane "

he laughs agreeing.

there was 5 more riders and then the announced the winner bringing Shane to the middle and handing him another buckle and a blue ribbon as I stand cheering him on. I dont know what came over me but I feel so proud of him.

he shakes the older man's hand before taking his leave from the large arena. there will be a ropping competitive next and I sit back down smiling big.

" big dog! you did great!"

Tony says as Shane walks up and they bro hug. then he takes me by surprise and take his hat off kissing my cheek before he sits beside me

" that one was fun"

he breathed out and I giggle looking him over. I'm sure my face is blushed from his small kiss.

" you did so good! you looked so calm up there!"

I gush and he chuckles.

" I'm glad you think so. the rush is definitely worth it "

I nod

" so jush a buckle and a ribbon huh?"

I ask raising a brow and he smiled this time his cheeks flush I a bit as while

" no he gets a p*****t but he always tells them to have it donated to the children's hospital. don't even let him try to lie about that one"

Tony says beside me and I look from the two guys I'm between and land on Shane he just shrugs clearing his throat

" I do this for the joy it brings me. I make plenty on the rig my small donation to the hospital is just something important to me"

I knock my shoulder into his smiling at this sweet guy beside me and he just shakes his head smiling

" Tony if your done telling me secrets go get us another beer will ya"

Tony laughs but heads off

" so looks like a I get that dance ma'am"

my eyes go wide I thought he was just talking crap before a ride. I haven't danced since the small little gathering Matthew and I had after we got married.

I'd always enjoyed dancing, even would get tipsy and ask Matthew to dance us around our kitchen but he always refused.

Shane looks at me his smile never leaving

" how long has it been really?"

I bit my lip looking away

" uh my wedding day"

he takes my hand and gently kisses the back of it.

" two friends dancing. nothing crazy, nothing expected from it Jenna"

I breath out as his rough hand runs over my knuckles

" I don't know if I'll be any good "

he chuckles

" dancing never leaves you it's like riding

a bike"

I just nod I'm not so sure about that.

Tony comes back with our beers and they make conversation around me as I try to get out of my own head sipping mine.

it's just a dance and I can't seem to get past that.

now would I ever be able to go further with him if it came to that? I mean I've only been with two people one guy before Matthew and I hooked up and I was so young hell neither of us knew what we were doing.

my head begins to hurt as I'm thinking of all the possible things that could go wrong.

some nights when we'd have s*x he'd be ready and id lay there trying to enjoy it, trying to get myself to the edge as we would just jump right to it.

then it'd be over all to fast and he'd go clean himself while I cleaned myself. he'd pat my butt as I'd telling me good game then he'd watch TV or go to sleep depending on how late it was.

" hey wheels are going crazy in there. please calm down and enjoy your night. just having fun, not selling your soul to me"

Shane says as he bumps my shoulder and I laugh nervous hating he can read my face so well.

" they are fast"

I say nodding towards the horse now running the barrels and he nods

" oh yeah. Tony works with most of them, keeping them healthy and ready"

I look at tony and he is watching the horse closely. you can see the love his has for the animal in his eyes.

my phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out thinking of maybe my aunt.

but no it's Matthew

Matthew- talked with Jackson on your aunt's phone. she says your out tonight? where are you? who are you with and why didn't I know you were going out? call me once you see this.

I bit my lip. I knew he'd find out once Jackson called to te him good night. he usually answers his call when he's been away for the week at work.

Jackson likes to tell him goodnight most nights.

" Jackson okay?"

shanes deep voice asks beside me and I can feel his breath on my face. I fight the tears. I know this will be a fight even if I lie and say I'm out with Macy he will be upset I was out and about.

I clear my throat

" yeah he's fine."

I say not looking at him and I can feel him still looking at me

" if you need to go Jenna I completely understand. Jackson comes first"

the tears are threatening to fall full force as I Shake my head

" it's Mathew. he knows I'm out tonight and wants me to call him"

he takes my hand squeezing it

" if you need to do that I understand also"

Shane.

I'd enjoyed talking with her this week, the woman is a breath of fresh air. she didn't need me, but yet we both seemed to enjoy our simple back and forth exchange. I was happy she'd actually showed up tonight, a part of me sorta thought maybe she wasn't going to. she hasn't actually told me she'd be interested in my the same way I am her but I'm not pushing it at the moment. I'm just letting her get to know me while I get to know her a little better. I could tell she seconds guessed herself alot even throughout text message, she wasn't sure what she could actually say to me or what she needed to keep to herself but we'd get there with time if she'd let me.

my ride was good, hell it was actually great I'd gotten first place and to see her in the stands standing up watching me as I was being cheered on I felt like I was on top of the world.

she didn't say anything after I'd told her she could call her ex husband if needed, I knew he didn't have Jackson so I knew there probably wasn't a reason he needed her other than the fact he probably knew she was out tonight and knowing him that probably didn't sit well with him.

like I'd said my business was my business but he let all of his business be known throughout the crew he worked on and crews talk so mine had heard how he was upset this week, claimed his ex wife had started dating after they'd agreed to a second chance at their relationship. I didn't think that was true or she wouldn't have entertained me. and I'm also assume either Jim hadn't heard the gossip yet or maybe he was just letting it roll off his back either way most of the guys were more curious as to who the fella Jenna was gonna be seeing, Matthew hadn't said my name and I think he wanted it that way. he didn't want people knowing there was a chance I'd get his girl.

I could see the tears in her eyes and I didn't want that, not tonight. we were just supposed to be Having a good time just getting her out and enjoying herself.

" you know Tony has a breed I company.that's what he does. he breeds the horses, takes care of them, works with them."

she smiled at me a bit

" that's pretty cool, I'd love to bring Jackson around some of them. he loves horses "

I smiled nodding

" I'm sure he wouldn't have a problem with that. he loves to show off his horses like they are show cars"

she laughed and Tony did too heading what I'd said.

we watched the barrel racing and she relaxed a bit drinking some of her beer. that is until I took her hand announcing we were headed to the dance hall, I saw her hesitant but she didn't argue she just came along.

when we walked in a few guys greeted me and a few buckle bunnies were around and they congratulated me on my ride, I was polite and made our way to the bar her small soft hand in mine still.

once I'd flagged the bartender down I ordered us all a shot and a beer and she'd let go of my hand turning to look over the dance hall, everyone was in full swing enjoying their nights

" man it's been a long time."

Tony said and I chuckled

" yeah it has"

Jenna looked up at me with those big green eyes and I smiled

" we used to come in after the rodeo but then we started just going back to one of our places and having a few beers"

she nodded in understanding

" if y'all want to leave I understand"

she said, it was loud in here and she wasn't talkies very loud but I heard her. I knew she was worried I didn't want to be here.

I handed her a shot and smirked down at her

" oh no ma'am someone owes me a dance"

she blushed and looked at the shot

" ready?"

she nodded and threw hers back with no problem her face after was absolutely adorable.

we took ours. they were playing fast songs so I took the chance and pulled her towards the large dance floor and we joined in the line dancing that was going on.

it took a couple songs but she finalized loosened up a bit. I smiled washing her

" I'm gonna run to the restroom"

I leaned from behind her to her ear and she turned her head towards mine, her face so close to mine and it took all my will power not to kiss her beautiful lips.

" okay"

she said and I nodded at Tony who was beside her and he knew to keep and eye on her.

when I came back I smiled to myself way his as Tony had some how talked her into two stepping with her, he held her respectfully and she was laughing at whatever he was saying to her. I knew my best friend wasn't making moves, he was a good guy I trusted me with everything and I was glad he had gotten her to dance.

when a slow song came on I walked up and nodded at him and smiled at her as he put her hand in mine

" can I have that dance now darling?"

she blushed looking away biting her lip as she nodded.

I pulled her body flush with mine, holding her waist and one hand I held her close to my chest as her other held on to my shoulder. in the position I could smell her sweet perfume and I could feel her heart beating like crazy.

I just danced is slowly around the floor humming the old country song they had playing

" I wasn't flirting. he had just asked me to dance and I was being polite "

she whispered out as I looked down at her, she was so small in my arms but yet having her there felt nice. I let my head drop a bit leaning against hers so I could talk low enough so she could hear me clearly.

" Jenna I'm a 30 year old man, I'm possessive when I know it's needed. but I'm also secure enough that you dancing with another man."

she breathed out but didn't say anything, he'd definitely done a number on her.

" darling are you having fun?"

this time her eyes moved to mine and she smiled

" I am"

I nodded

" and that's all I want "

I danced her to a few slow songs then we took a break supposed our drinks.

then the fast songs came back on and we went back for some more dancing. Tony was spinning her and I placed my hat on top of her head as she spun into my arms. she looked so good tonight

" I don't think I've said it yet but you look beautiful tonight"

she blushed and continued to dance.

she wore my hat until we left in my truck to go find some food, we landed on burgers for the night and it was getting pretty late so wasn't much choices.

she seems a little more comfortable talking with Tony and I.

once we were done I drove us back to the arena her car was there and so was his truck.

" it was nice to meet you Jenna"

she waved telling him it was nice to meet him as well. we were standing between my truck and her car and I wasn't quite ready for our night to end but I also knew asking if I could come over or if she wanted to come over would seem like I was expecting something else and I surely didn't want her thinking that.

I walked around pulling my tailgate down and she watched me

" wanna chat a bit?"

I smiled nodding I grabbed her around her waist and lifted her up before I climbed up myself

" I've got water or Gatorade?"

I offered

" water please"

she whispered out and I grabbed us both one.

at first it was quite as we looked over the now empty arena, the big lights were still on and I'm sure they were cleaning up.

" ever been hurt doing this?"

she asked and I nodded thinking back to the leg energy

" yeah I have. I got stepped on, heard my none crack and I knew then it was broken."

she looked at me with wide eyes

" that's where the drugs began. I had pain pills to get through that and we'll me neither me I didn't sit out of work as long as needed so I started looking for something stronger. ended up pretty far off the deep end there for a while"

she nodded letting it sink in. I knew she would ha e to know at some point but I hope she wouldn't see me any different.

" how'd you get clean?"

I sighed shaking my head

" it was pure hell. and after we lost dad I knew I couldn't go on like that, hell he was so upset I'd lost myself but I knew I needed to be better for mama and my sister"

she smiled a little

" when I first found out he cheated. God I wanted to numb that pain. I'd been with him since I was 16 I didn't know any different. but after I bit on my own with Jackson I started to breath again, I felt like I'd been so quiet I'm my marriage for so long I felt free Being on my own, that's when I knew I didn't want to be with him anymore, at first we thought maybe the space would help us but it only seemed to help me open my eyes to what I actually wanted. I know it isn't the same as drug recovery but it definitely took a lot of work"

I took her hand squeezing it

" a battle no matter the battle is still a battle. seems like you won yours also"

she laughed a little shaking her head

" I won the fact I could be by myself but I have no idea what I'm doing here."

she paused and finally looked at me her eyes wide and nervous

" with you. with us. I don't know how to do this. I don't even know where to start or anything. hell dancing with you tonight I haven't danced with a man in so long so I'm not even sure if I'll ever be ready to give you more of my self."

I ran my thumb over her knuckles smiling

" you do know how to do this. I'm not asking for anything else just this Jenna. as for the rest when it comes it'll come no rush on my part"

she sighed looking away

" are you going to be sleeping with other people?"

she whispered and if I hadn't been listening I wouldn't have heard it.

I turned her head slightly to look at me

" right now we may only be friends but right now I know I plan on talking you into letting me kiss those lips of yours. I know I plan on spending more time with you if you'll have me. so no I'm not sleeping with anyone else. I haven't in a while anyways. I don't go out to looking for hook ups"

she bit her lip nodding.

I hoped she believed me but I'd get her to understand.

we chatted a bit more before I knew we were both exhausted.

we were standing beside her car and she played with my hand that was holding her

" I had a good time tonight "

I reached for her cheek and stroked it with my thumb smiling at her

" I am so glad you showed up. thank you"

she smiled blushing biting her lip. I wanted so bad to kiss her but I was gonna wait, I needed her to be ready for this because I knew once I kissed her I would need to do it again.

" let me know when you get home safe please "

I whispered out our faces so close and she was breathing faster. I kissed her cheek gently before helping her into her car.

" drive slow darling it's late"

she nodded telling me to do the same and I waited to climb in my truck as I watched her drive off.