Fortress Island Series 3: Matteo, The Bastard's Sweetest Downfall

ELEVEN: QUESTIONS

Napatigil ako sa pagbaba sa hagdan nang makita si Matt na nakaupo sa single couch sa sala. Sa kanyang kandungan ay nakaupo si Darren. They were both engrossed at what they’re watching on the TV. Tila may pinapaliwanag ang lalake tungkol sa kanilang pinapanood. Si Darren naman ay panay ang tango na para bang naiintindihan nito ang sinasabi nang una.

Part of me was happy that Matt was able to get close to my son in a short period of time. Akala ko mahihirapan ang lalake na makuha ang loob ng aking anak na lalake, hindi naman pala. Pero habang nakatingin ako sa kanila, hindi ko maiwasang di makaramdam ng lungkot. I was sad for my late husband’s behalf. Maaga siyang kinuha sa amin. He would have given anything in this world just to have moments like this with his son.

It's unfair for his part and I should blame myself for that. Hindi ako makakaramdam ng ganitong guilt kung tinapos ko kaagad ang ugnayan namin ni Matt o kung hindi ko sana inuna ang sarili kong kaligayahan.

Alam ko naman na walang mali kung sakali mang umibig man akong muli. Alam kong hindi iyon kasalanan sa mata ng tao at sa mata ng Diyos. Ang pagkakamali ko lang ay mula noong namatay ang aking asawa, tinatak ko na sa puso at isipan ko at sa mga bata na hinding-hindi mapapalitan ng kahit na sino si Steve. Kaya nang dumating si Matt sa buhay ko, hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin. At lalong hindi ko inaasahan na sa loob ng maikling panahon ay iibig akong muli.

Isang malalim na buntong-hininga ang aking pinakawalan bago maingat na bumaba sa hagdan. Dumiretso ako sa kusina at natagpuan ko doon si Bom na nag-aayos ng mesa. Hindi ko man lang nabatid na malapit na pala maghapunan at wala akong idea kung ano kakainin namin ngayon.

Nag-angat ito ng tingin at malapad na ngiti ang sinalubong nito sa akin. Binitawan nito ang hawak na plato at agad na lumapit sa akin.

“Bestie!” She pulled me for a hug. “How are you feeling? Pinag-alala mo ako.”

I hugged her back. “Mabuti na ako, Bomi. Para lagnat lang, nag-alala ka kaagad?” I chuckled while pulling myself away from her.

“Hindi sana ako mag-alala kung hindi mo lang sana nilihim na may dinaramdam ka na pala. Base sa kwento ni Lena, muntik ka nang hinimatay. Bakit naman kasi inaabuso mo ang katawan mo, Porsche? May pinagkakautangan ka ba at kayod kalabaw ang ginawa mo nitong mga nakaraang araw?” Pinagpatuloy nito ang paglalagay ng plato sa mesa.

Ako naman ay tumayo sa tapat ng lababo. Inabot ko ang apron at sinuot. Kinuha ko ang dry towel at inumpisahang tuyuin ang mga kakahugas lang na mga pinggan na nakapatong sa dish rack.

“Masamang tanggihan ang grasya, ika nga. Paano magbo-boom ang negosyo ko kung iilang orders lang ang tatanggapin ko.”

“Kung ganung umuulan ng order, aba’y dapat lang na mag-hire ka nang mga tao dahil hindi ka naman superwoman na kayang gawin ang lahat. Hindi ka nga rin humingi ng tulong sa amin ni Zuri.”

“Dahil may sarili kayong mga trabaho at ayokong makasagabal. Tsaka kaya ko naman. Alam ko ang limitasyon ko, Bomi.”

“And yet, bumigay pa rin ang katawan mo. Pero okay, naiintidihan kita sa parteng yan pero ang hindi replayan o sagutin ang tawag ng boyfriend mo ng ilang araw, yan ang malabo sa akin.” Tumingin muna ito sa sala bago sa akin. “Be honest with me, may problema na naman ba kayong dalawa? Anong ginawa ni Sir Matt na nakasakit sa’yo? Dali, sabihin mo sa akin nang makompronta habang andito pa siya.”

I sighed and avoided her scrutinizing gaze. “Wala siyang ginawang mali, Bomi. We’re good. Ako lang talaga yung umiwas dahil ayoko ng distorbo. Marami nga kasi akong ginagawa. Wala akong time.”

“You’re bullshitting me, Porsche.” Muntik pa akong mapaigtad sa pagkalansing ng kubyertos.

“Hindi tayo magkaibigan ng ilang dekada para hindi ko malamang nagsisinungaling ka sa akin.”

I chewed my lower lip. Ayokong pag-usapan ito ngayon. I’d needed time to gather my thoughts and get myself together.

I faced Bomi and was about to speak when Matt entered in the dining area, looking perfect as always.

He immediately smiled when his eyes met mine. “There you are.”

“I guess this is my cue to exit.” Bomi rolled her eyes, but she gave me a knowing look. I knew our conversation wasn’t over yet.

When my best friend was finally out of sight, Matt pulled me by the waist and cupped my chin. He tipped my head up and kissed me torridly.

When his lips touched mine, I realized how much I missed the man. His warmth, his touch and his sweet voice that never failed to melt my bones every damn time.

“Matt….” I whispered his name between kisses.

Mas lalong humigpit ang pagkakayakap nito sa aking baywang and I could tell he was hard down there. It was poking against my belly. Agad na sinilaban ang aking katawan. His tongue swirled in my wet cavern at napaungol ako. God this man definitely how to kiss.

“Missed you.” Matt’s hand touched the small of my back and glided down towards my butt. Mas lalong diniin nito ang sarili sa akin.

Kung hindi pa namin narinig ang tawanan ng magtita sa sala ay hindi pa kami maghihiwalay kahit ba halos lagutan na kami ng hininga.

Shit. Nakalimutan ko kung nasaan kami. Nakalimutan ko na naman na nasa pamamahay kami ng nasira kong asawa.

I took a step backward. “Matt, nasa sala lang si Darren.”

“And? Kasama naman niya si Bomi. No one will take him away.”

“That’s not what I meant. Baka makita niya tayo. Ayokong mag-isip ito ng masama.”

“Mag-isip ng masama? Masama bang halikan ko ang kanyang ina at ipaalam na sobrang miss ko siya? Masama bang malaman ng bata na may relasyon tayo, Porsche? Wala tayong tinatapakang tao, cupcake. This is not even illegal. Why worry? Handa naman akong ipakilala ang sarili ko sa kanya bilang—”

“Enough, Matt. Wag nating pag-usapan ang bagay na ito dito.” Hinubad ko ang ang apron at nilagay a sa ibabaw ng lababo. I was about to leave the room when Matt caught me by the hand.

“Where are you going?”

“Pupuntahan ko lang si Darren.”

“May problema ba tayo, Porsche?”

Natigilan ako sa simpleng tanong na iyon. Inangat ko ang aking tingin sa kanyang nakaabang na mukha at tipid na ngumiti. “We’re good, Matt.”

And then, Matt’s hold on my hand tightened. His eyes turned into slits as he took a step forward to look at the thing he’s touching.

“What is this? What the f**k is the meaning of this, Porsche?”

My eyes grew bigger. My wedding ring. I forgot to take it off. Hinablot ko ang aking palad mula sa kanyang hawak at tinago sa aking likod.

“It’s nothing, Matt.” My voice faltered. “It’s nothing.” Pakiramdam ko’y tumigil sa pagtibok ang puso ko.

“Ngayon mo sabihin sa akin na wala tayong problema, Porsche!” Matt shut his eyes momentarily and sighed with exasperation. Tumalikod ito sa akin at tumingala. Hindi ito kumikibo.

Ang bawat segundong dumaan ay tila punyal na paunti-unting bumabaon sa aking puso.

When he moved and faced me in slow motion, I felt like I was waiting for my death sentence. I couldn’t read the expression on his face. And that was more alarming to me.

“This is it, Porsche. You’ve made your point. I got it.”

“Matt…” I whispered his name nervously. Agad na nanubig ang aking mga mata.

“You’re the only thing I want the most but unfortunately, you’re that one thing I can’t have. Guess, I was asking too much. You, wearing your wedding ring back is a big slap to my face and to my ego. You see, I may be an asshole to some, but I don’t sleep with married women, Porsche.”

He began to walk out. Pero mabilis kong nahawakan ito sa kanyang siko. “Matt…let me explain.”

“Explain? Para saan ang paliwanag mo? Kung sana buhat noong una kitang nakita ay suot-suot mo na ang singsing na yan, it would be different. Pero yung bigla mo nalang yang sinuot…” Nagtagis ang kanyang bagang, “You intentionally put it back on. May gusto kang ipahiwatig sa akin, Porsche. Don’t worry, I got your message f*****g loud and clear!” He yelled.

This was the first time I saw him this angry. At wala akong ginawa kundi ang umiyak nalang.

“Nitong mga araw na hindi mo ako kinakausap, were you even thinking about me? Or were you thinking about him, your dead husband?”

“Matt…. please.” I hiccupped. I couldn’t retaliate because what he’d been saying was true.

I felt guilty for falling in love with someone else that’s why I was thinking about my husband. I was thinking about how he would feel about it. Kung nasasaktan ko ba ang damdamin niya kapag nakikipagkita ako kay Matt o kung mapalapit ang loob ng mga bata sa kanya.

Dahil hanggang ngayon, I felt sorry for my late husband. He was the perfect husband and a perfect father to his children, but everything was takin away from him in an instant. Even his own life.

“I’m leaving.” He added. “Have a great life, Mrs. Porsche Madrigal.”

“I’m sorry, Matt. I don’t mean to hurt you.”

“Of course, you don’t.” He answered sarcastically. He snatched his arm from my hold. He stormed out the door, leaving my heart tearing in pieces.

I wanted to run after him and begged him to stay but I knew it would be unfair to him. I drove him away.

I deserved this. Siguro nga, kapalaran ko na talaga na mapag-isa sa buhay.

Matteo’s POV

It was one hell of a week. I was aware that people around me were walking on tiptoe. I easily got pissed to the point I fired three employees all at once just because they missed one single report that wasn’t even needed.

Romano and Alejandro tried talking about my problem, but I kept my mouth shut. Heartache is not even considered as a problem, for crying out loud.

I exhaled heavily as I watched my office door open. Sumilip ang ulo ni Bomi doon. “Knock. Knock.”

Agad na kumunot ang aking noo. What the hell is she doing here? May nangyari kaya kay Porsche?

“Hi, Sir Matt.” Alanganin itong ngumiti sa akin.

Pinilit kong pinakalma ang aking sarili. She wouldn’t smile at me like that kung may masama mang nangyari kay Porsche, di ba.

“Miss Bomi.” I acknowledged her. Ngumiwi ito dahil sa pormal na pagkakatawag ko sa kanya. “What brought you here?”

“Ano kasi…wala ang secretary mo kaya dumiretso na ako dito.”

Pinagsalikop ko ang aking palad at nag-angat ng kilay sa kanya. “I can see that. Are you just gonna stand there behind the door?”

“Ano kasi…. may gustong makita ka, Sir Matt.”

Porsche? No, of course she wouldn’t want to see me. The fact that she wore that ring back on, meant she dumped me for good. She wanted me out of her life.

“Sino?”

Bago pa man makapagsalita ulit si Bomi, bigla na lang sumulpot mula sa kanyang likuran si Darren. “Uncle Matt!” Nanakbo ito patungo sa aking mesa.

Agad namang nakaabang ako sa kanyang pagdating and opened my arms for him. “Woah!” He jumped into me, and I almost didn’t catch him. I forgot how heavy he was.

“Uncle Matt!” He called as he hugged me tight. “Hindi na ikaw gumala sa bahay.”

“Ah.” Alanganin akong ngumiti at ginulo na lamang ang kanyang malagong buhok. “I’m quite busy, kiddo.”

‘I’m sorry, Sir Matt. Panay ang tawag niya sa akin at gusto ka ngang makita. May pinangako ka daw sa kanya.” Bomi bit her lower lip. “Wala akong choice kundi dalhin siya dito sa office mo kasi ang totoo, di ko alam paano ka i-approach.”

I nodded. “It’s okay. Does Porsche know her son is here?”

It was Darren who answered. Umiling ang bata. “She doesn’t know na pupunta ako dito Uncle Matt. I think hindi yun papayag. Do you know what’s wrong with Mom?”

My eyes stared down at him. “I have no idea. Bakit mo naitanong?”

Lumabi ito. “Because every time I speak your name or ask questions about you, she’d cry. Are you not friends with my Mom anymore? She’s a wonderful mom, Uncle Matt. Please don’t make her sad. She’s been sad for so long.” His tiny fingers fumbled on my necktie. Darren’s eyes were glassy, and I knew he was about to cry.

My stomach churned up. I felt like someone rip my heart out of my chest. “Of course, we’re still friends, sweetheart.”

“Do you love my Mom? Friends love each other, right, Uncle Matt?”

I almost choke with the question. Bomi was clearing her throat from afar. I pinched his cheeks and smiled gently at the innocent boy.

“I do. I love your Mom, kiddo.” And I f*****g meant it with every piece of me.

“Then please visit our house again, Uncle Matt. I think she misses you.”

Damnit. “I missed her, too.” What’s with children that every time you talk with them, they’d get the most honest answers from you?

“Uncle Matt, aren’t you going to take me to the mall? You promise to buy me lots of LEGO.”

“I did, didn’t I?” Alam kong wala akong schedule sa hapon kaya tumango ako. “Perfect timing, kiddo, Uncle Matt has nothing to do all afternoon. I’m at your disposal.”

“Yehey!” Yumakap ulit ito sa akin. Gumanti ako ng ngiti kahit ba ang isip ko ay naglalakbay patungo kay Porsche at kung ano man ang kanyang ginagawa sa oras na ito. Is she thinking about me? Is she crying over me? Does she really miss me like how much I miss her? If only there’s a way to answer these questions.

*********

I had no choice but to drive Darren back to his home. After we played at the park near the mall, bought some toys and ate snacks, he immediately fell asleep the moment I put him at the back of the car.

I checked the time on my wristwatch as I parked the car outside Porsche’s bakeshop. It’s past five o’clock. Good. Wala pa tiyak sa bahay ang kanyang panganay na anak.

Bumaba ako at binuksan ang pintuan sa passenger seat. Agad na napangiti ako sa porma ni Darren. His mouth was wide open, snoring like an old man.

I unfastened his seatbelt and carried him in my arms. Bago pa ako tumapat sa pintuan ay bumukas na iyon. Porsche’s shock expression welcomed me. Kung hindi ko lang hawak si Darren ay baka hindi ko napigilan ang aking sarili at bigla na lang itong ipaloob sa aking mga bisig.

“What happened?”

Alam kong naitawag na ni Bomi sa kanya na magkasama kami ni Darren. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit gulat na gulat pa rin itong makita ako. Somehow, it irritated me.

“He’s not hurt, Porsche. Calm the f**k down.”

I caught Porsche’s small gasp from the way I answered her. Damn it.

“Nagtatanong lang ako, Matt.”

“I know. But don’t make it sound like I did something to your son.” I hissed.

“I’m sorry.” Mahinang sambit nito.

It made me angry. Maingat kong binaba si Darren sa sofa at tuluyang hinarap si Porsche na nakasuot pa ng apron at may konting flour sa kanyang pisngi.

“For f**k’s sake, stop saying you’re sorry.”

She flinched at my outburst. f**k it.

She lowered her head. “I….uhm….Thank you, Matt, for taking him out. He doesn’t stop talking about you.”

“I’m aware. He told me himself.” Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang pigura ng babaeng ilang gabi nang di nagpatulog sa akin. Sa loob lamang ng isang linggo, tila ba nabawasan ito ng timbang. My stomach dropped. Kung naapektuhan ito sa paghihiwalay namin, she should have told me. I would come back to her arms in a heartbeat.

“Sana ay hindi nakadistorbo si Darren sa’yo. Wala akong idea na dadalhin siya ni Bom sa opisina mo. Akala ko ay mamamasyal lang silang dalawa.”

“It’s okay. I had fun.”

“I’m glad to know. He’s a pain in the ass, sometimes.”

“Yeah. Just like his mother.”

An eerie silence passed by. Kung hindi nag-ring ang aking cellphone ay wala pang kikibo sa aming dalawa. I didn’t bother to answer the call, whoever it may be.

“I have to go now, Porsche. You don’t have to see me out to the door. Ilalagay ko sa labas ng pintuan ang mga pinamili namin ni Darren.”

“Pwede ba tayong mag-usap, Matt?”

“We are talking, Porsche.”

Umiling ito. “Please, Matt.”

“Gusto kong pag-usapan natin ang nasira kong asawa. Gusto kong ipaalam sa’yo kung bakit nagi-guilty ako—”

I raised my hand in the air. “Not my kind of topic, Porsche. I don’t want to talk about your dead husband. That topic is hard limit for me.”

Porsche choked a sob. “As it is to me, Matt. But I want to open it up to you. Maybe you will understand me.”

I shook my head. “Maybe some other time. I had a great day with your son. I don’t want you to spoil it.”

The pain in her sad eyes drilled a hole into my heart. I wanted to punch my face for being a d**k.

Her longing stares lingered on my face. I was seconds away to just grab her and kiss her without giving a damn about what happened. Batid kong may nais itong sabihin pero nagdadalawang-isip kung sasabihin ba nito o hindi. I sighed inwardly.

“Okay. I understand, Matt.”

I almost snorted. Do you really, Porsche?

“Salamat ulit, Matt.”

“No biggie.” Tinahak ko ang daan palabas pero ang mga yabag ni Porsche sa aking likuran ay rinig ko.

Nang maibaba ko na ang mga paper bag na pinamili namin ni Darren sa labas ng pintuan, I didn’t bother to look back. Diretso akong bumalik sa kotse at naupo sa driver’s seat. Ramdam ko mula dito ang mga titig ni Porsche pero ayaw kong ipaalam sa kanya na gahibla na lang ang timpi ko at baka masunggaban ko ito at halikan ng marubdob.

I took a deep breath when I finally drove away from her house. Kinuha ko ang cellphone sa bulsa ng aking pantalon at tinignan kung sino ang tumawag kanina. Kumunot ang aking noo nang makitang ang aking ama ang tumatawag. No, I didn’t mean my biological father. I meant my father who raised and molded me into the person I am today.

I dialed back his number. It took few rings before he answered the call.

“I’m sorry. I was busy a while ago. How is my princess?”

He sighed. “She’s doing fine today. Busy ka pa rin ba ngayon?”

“Hindi na gaano, Pa. I’m heading to my apartment now.”

“Come here instead. It’s time for you to know the truth.”

Sandali akong natigilan. “The truth.”

“The truth, son. Everything you want to know. Sasabihin ko na sa’yo. There’s no point hiding them to protect your dead mother. I have suffered enough to even give a f**k about everything.”

“Are you drinking, Pa?”

He laughed but it was kind of a painful laugh. A bitter laugh. “I am sober, son, don’t worry. Laguna isn’t that far. I’ll expect you in an hour. Jennie has been asking about you, anyway. Tamang-tama pagdating mo, gising siya.”

I nodded. Hindi ko alam bakit kinakalabog ang puso ko.

Five years ago, my mother died from overdose. She took her own life and left us asking what went wrong. What drove her to do such thing when despite of living a simple life, I was sure we were happy.

Hindi lang ang pamilya Salvatore ang may pinagdadaanan ng mga panahong iyon, ako din. I had so much on my plate that time and thinking about it now, hindi ko maisip paano ko nalampasan ang mga iyon. Two months after my mother’s death, I found out I was a Salvatore bastard. Imagine the shock I’d been through. It was a hell of a year.

And now, I finally get the answer to all these questions. I wonder if the answers would comfort me or wreck me….