Fortress Island Series 3: Matteo, The Bastard's Sweetest Downfall

TEN: NEVER MINE TO KEEP

“So, can I pick you up tonight?”

I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t hide the smile on my lips. Nakaipit sa aking tainga ang cellphone habang naglalagay ako ng icing sa cake.

“Matt, wag kang makulit.” Ilang beses ko nang sinabi sa kanya na hindi ako pwede dahil marami akong pending orders. At ang totoo ay gahol na ako sa oras. Marami na rin akong tinanggihan na orders dahil hindi ko na maisingit pa. Mukhang kailangan ko magdagdag ng empleyado para sa aking bakeshop.

“C’mon, cupcake. Promise, I won’t tire you. I am just gonna massage your whole body and all you have to do is to lie down, naked on my bed.” He said teasingly.

“Massage your face.” I giggled. “Knowing you, you can’t keep your hands off me. Itataya ko buong bakeshop ko, hindi lang masahe ang gagawin mo sa akin.”

“Hmmm…. I guess I just have to try but if I failed, you can’t blame me. I worship your body, Porsche. Your body is to die for.”

“Yah, yah. Whatever. Busy ako, Matt. Tawagan kita mamaya?”

I heard him sigh on the other line. “Hmm…Okay.”

Natawa ako. “You’re sulking like a baby, Matteo Salvatore. It’s so unlike you.”

“I just missed you.”

“Nagkita pa tayo kagabi, Matt.” Mula nang maging okay kami sa birthday niya, halos gabi-gabi kami nagkikita buhat noon.

“I want to see you every day.”

“Why are you so clingy, hmm?”

“Only for you.”

“What should we do about it?”

“How about I come to your house every night and sleep there and I leave in the morning for work?”

Halos mabitawan ko ang hawak kong icing spatula. Nilayo ko muna ang cellphone sa aking tainga bago ako humugot ng malalim na hininga.

“Porsche? Are you still there?”

I cleared my throat bago dinikit ulit sa tainga ang cellphone. “Matt…. it’s not funny.”

“Of course it’s not because I am not joking, Porsche.”

“Matt…”

“I am serious. Alam kong hindi mo maiwan ang bakeshop kaya ako nalang ang mag-a-adjust. Kasi kung ako ang magdedesisyon, mas gusto kong dito kayo sa condo ko titira ng mga bata. Or if you want, we can buy a house of your preference. Pero alam kong hindi ka papayag. So the best option is ako nalang ang titira diyan sa bahay mo. Sound’s great, yes?”

I swallowed. “Could you give me a minute?” Umalis ako sa baking area at hinubad ang hairnet at apron na suot. Tinahak ko ang maiksing hallway patungo sa sala. Wala sa loob na napasuklay ako sa aking buhok, hindi alam kung ano ang gagawin.

“Matt….” Tawag ko sa kanyang pangalan.

“Yes, baby.”

“I can’t let you live here.”

“Why?”

“Can we, can we talk about this next time, please? Marami lang talaga akong ginagawa.”

“Hmmm…I understand. I’m sorry if I am disturbing your work, cupcake.”

“Okay lang. Talaga lang gahol na ako sa oras. Marami pa akong gagawin.”

“Do you want me to come over and lend a hand?”

Alanganin akong tumawa. That’s probably the worst suggestion ever. “No, Matt. You are such a big distraction. And besides, the kids are here….”

“Oh, the kids…When can I meet them personally?”

Napapikit ulit ako. “I…” I don’t know. “Kapag natapos na siguro ang examination week ni Ahreum. Medyo busy ang panganay ko sa pagrereview.”

“Ah, yes. I don’t want to upset her. Baka makaapekto sa pag-rereview niya kapad pinakilala mo na ako sa kanya.”

“Ayoko mang sabihin, Matt, pero oo, malaki ang tiyansang maapektuhan ang pag-aaral niya sa plano natin.” Si Ahreum talaga ng inaalala ko. Oo, sabihin na nating nakilala na niya si Matt at alam niyang mabuting tao ito pero wala pa rin akong ideya kung ano ang kanyang magiging reaksiyon kapag nalaman niya kung anong relasyon mayroon kami ng lalake. Kay Darren, mukhang walang magiging problema si Matt sa kanya.

“Okay. I’ll just probably see you when…. when you’re not busy anymore, Porsche.”

I could sense he was a bit upset. Pero anong magagawa ko? Sa ngayon, nangangapa pa ako kung paano ko babalensihin ang atensiyon ko sa negosyo, sa mga bata at sa kanya. Ayokong kahit isa sa mga iyon ay masira o di kaya ay hindi mabigyan ng tamang atensiyon. I don’t want to be reckless this time. I cannot afford to lose one of them. Kahit ba hindi pa klaro sa akin kung ano ba talaga ako sa buhay ni Matt. O baka hindi pa talaga nito nahahanap ang babaeng papakasalan sa hinaharap?

Ayokong umasang aabot kami sa ganoong punto. Even though I loved the man, I am not delusional. And most of all, I’m not that ambitious. Habang akin pa si Matt, I’ll make sure our times together are worthwhile.

“Okay, Matt. I will call you, okay?”

“Alright. Bye for now.” He was the first one to cut the call.

I heaved a deep sigh and sat on the couch restlessly. Sinandal ko ang aking likod at tiningala ang kisame. Bumigat ang pakiramdam ko sa sinabi ni Matt. Hindi ko kayang isipin na titira si Matt dito sa bahay. Hindi dahil nahihiya ako sa kasimplehan ng bahay na ito kundi dahil……

Niligid ko ang tingin sa buong kabahayan. This house…and the memories I have with my late husband…ayokong matabunan ang mga iyon ni Matt. Ayokong mabura o palitan ang mga alaalang nabuo dito sa bahay na ito sa katauhan ni Matt.

Malaking sampal na sa alaala ni Steve na tuluyan kong inamin sa sarili kong umiibig akong muli. Na tumibok ulit ang aking puso na akala ko’y kasama kong inilibing sa tabi ng aking asawa.

Thinking of it now, tumututol ang kalooban kong ipakilala ng personal ang mga anak ko kay Matt. It’s not the right time. Ahreum and Darren were Steve’s children. They would and should remain as his until the children grew old.

This is Steve’s house. Matt living here would be the biggest disrespect to my late husband. At hindi ko papayagang mangyari iyon.

Matteo’s POV

Porsche: Matt, I’m busy. I will call you when I’m free.

Fucking hell. It’s been three days. Porsche had been avoiding me again. She didn’t answer my calls. Instead, she would send me messages like this after ignoring my damn calls. Ano bang problema niya? Did I say something the last time we talked over the phone? I didn’t say something that would upset her, did I?

I thought we already figured things out, turned out, I thought wrong.

Inis na tumayo ako. Hindi na ako makakapag-antay pa. Kailangan kong alamin kung ano ang problema niya sa akin.

Sa lobby ay namataan ko si Bomi na parang nagmamadaling makalabas ng building. Bakit nga ba hindi ko naisip na kausapin ito? Baka may alam ito kung bakit iniiwasan na naman ako ng kanyang kaibigan. Malalaki ang aking mga hakbang para habulin ito.

“Bomi!” I pulled her by the elbow.

She cursed because of what I did. Nang nilingon ako nito, agad na lumatay ang gulat sa kanyang mukha. “Sir Matt.” She gave me curt nod. “I didn’t mean to get rude. Ginulat n’yo ako.”

“I’m sorry. Nagmamadali ka ba? May itatanong lang sana ako.”

Kumagat labi ito. Tila hindi nito alam kung ano isasagot sa aking tanong. Nagkamot ito sa batok. “Bahala na nga.” Bulong nito.

Mas lalong lumalim ang kunot sa aking noo. May tinatago ba ang magkaibigan sa akin?

“Ano kasi, Sir Matt…” She trailed off. She couldn’t look me straight to the eyes. “Nagmamadali po talaga ako. Papunta ako sa bahay ni Porsche.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. I looked at her with scrutiny. “Okay. What is she up to, that best friend of yours, Bomi? Ilang araw na niyang hindi sinasagot ang aking tawag.”

“I have no idea, Sir Matt. Tumawag lang sa akin si Darren kani-kanina lang na may lagnat daw Mommy niya. Si Ahreum naman ay wala sa bahay. May school retreat at sa makalawa pa ang balik galing Baguio.”

“May sakit si Porsche?”

“Tingin ko’y kahapon pa masama ang kanyang pakiramdam. But knowing that friend of mine, alam kong hindi yun nagpahinga at nagtatrabaho pa rin sa bakery niya. Kaya pupuntahan ko ngayon sa bahay para siguraduhin na nagpapahinga ito at umiinom ng gamot.”

“I’ll come with you. Let’s use my car.” Sabi ko at nauna nang lumabas sa building. My car was already waiting outside.

“Ayaw ka lang siguro nun mag-alala kaya hindi sinasagot ang tawag mo.” Si Bomi nang makaupo ito sa passenger seat.

“I doubt it.” Nagtagis ang aking bagang habang pinapaandar ang sasakyan. Alam kong bukod sa may sakit ito, may iba pang dahilan kung bakit iniiwasan na naman ako ni Porsche. Gusto kong alamin kung bakit. Gusto kong alamin kung may nagawa ba akong mali o may nasabi ba akong nakasama ng kanyang loob, because If I did, I would surely hate myself.

Pagdating namin sa bahay ni Porsche, sinalubong kami ng kanyang bunsong anak. Agad na yumakap ang bata sa kanyang tita Bomi.

“Ang bunso kong sobrang cute.” She pinched his chubby cheeks. “How are you?”

“I’m okay, tita, but Mommy is not.” He pouted. Nawala ang ngiti sa kanyang mukha.

“Hmm…tulog ba si Mommy?”

“I think so.” Sagot ng bata. Saka pa lang ako nito napansin. Pinilig nito ang ulo at tinignan akong mabuti. Tila ba iniisip nito kung saan ako nito nakita. He then waved his hand. “Hi.”

I smiled a little. He’s so cute. “Hello.”

Nilipat nito ang tingin sa kanyang tita Bomi. “Boyfriend mo po, tita?”

Namula ang mukha ni Bomi at alanganing ngumiti sa akin. Nag-angat lamang ako ng kilay.

“No, no, no. Sasabunutan ako ng Mommy mo pag nagkataon.” She laughed. “He’s your Mommy’s—”

“I’m a friend.” I cut Bomi off. “I’m your Mommy’s friend.” Of course, hindi ko pwedeng ipakilala ang sarili ko bilang boyfriend ni Porsche. Kailangan ay sa kanyang ina mismo manggaling iyon.

Humiwalay ito kay Bomi at lumapit sa akin.

“I’m Darren.”

“I know.” I smiled. “I’m Matt.”

“Uncle Matt.” He whispered with amazement.

Agad na may gumuhit na init sa aking dibdib. I like this kid. Namilog ang kanyang mga mata habang nakatingala ito sa akin. Nanigas ako sa aking kinatatayuan nang bigla nalang din itong yumakap sa akin. His cute little arms wrapped around my torso. I suddenly felt awkward and all I did as a response was to tap his head lightly. Bomi smiled with a tease. I avoided her gaze. Nag-init ang aking pisngi. The child’s warmth made my heart flutter that I felt shy all of a sudden. But it felt too damn good to be hugged by Porsche’s son. Gumaan ang aking pakiramdam.

“Ate, mag merienda muna kayo.” Dumating ang assistant ni Porsche na siyang nagkakahera sa bakery. May dala itong tray na may lamang assorted bread at dalawang tasa ng kape.

“Lena, kailan pa nagkasakit si Porsche?” Sumenyas si Bomi sa akin na umupo. “Come here, baby.” She called the boy and tapped the space beside her.

I sighed and chose to sit down in the single chair across the couch. Pero hindi pa ako nakakaupo ng maayos na bigla nalang tumalon si Darren patungo sa akin at naupo sa aking kandungan. Mabuti na lang at mabilis ang aking kilos at agad na nahawakan ko ito dahil kung hindi ay baka nahulog na ito sa sahig.

“Darren.” Saway ni Bomi. “Don’t do that, baby.” She looked at me apologetically. “You’re too heavy. Dito ka nga maupo sa tabi ko.”

“Uh-uh.” Umiling ang bata pero ang atensiyon ay sa kanyang hawak-hawak na laruang robot.

I gave her a thumbs-up sign. “I’m good.” I feel good.

Nang mailapag na ni Lena ang dalang merienda ay saka pa lang ito sumagot sa tanong ni Bomi. “Pansin kong ilang araw nang matamlay si ate Porsche. Lagi kong tinatanong kung okay lang ba ito at ang sagot lang niya sa akin ay oo. Tapos kaninang tanghali, muntik na itong mabuwal. Mabuti nalang naagapan ko kaagad. Tapos ayun, inaapoy na pala ng lagnat. Nang makainom na ng gamot si ate, medyo bumaba na ang kanyang lagnat. Tingin ko’y dala ng pagod kaya bumigay ang katawan. Marami kaming orders nitong nakaraan, e.”

Kung hindi ko lang kandong si Darren, napamura na ako. Damn it.

Si Bomi naman ay salubong ang kilay na tumingin sa akin. “Darren, anak, pwede bang sa bakery ka muna tumambay? Help ate Lena there. May pag-uusapan lang kami ni Sir Matt.”

Darren raised his head to look at her then he titled to looked at me. He then pouted. “But I want to play with Uncle Matt.”

I cleared my throat. “Do you like to play robots?”

He nodded. “And Lego too but Mommy said they’re quite expensive.”

“I will buy you lots of Lego if you want. If your Mom permits, I will take you to the mall and we’ll buy any toys you like. As much as you want.”

Bomi choked. “Sir Matt, please don’t spoil him. Mamumulubi ka diyan.”

I snorted. “I highly doubt that.” The Salvatore riches could last us three to five lifetimes. Binalik ko ang atensiyon kay Darren. “Are you up to it?”

“Yes po, Uncle Matt!” He beamed at me. His eyes twinkled with excitement and happiness. I chuckled. If Porsche agreed, I’d buy her son the whole toy shop or even the mall itself. Mabilis tumalima ang bata at tumungo agad sa bakery.

Agad namang tumayo si Bomi at nagpalakad-lakad sa aking harap. “Ayokong isipin na may di pagkakaunawaan na naman kayong dalawa, Sir Matt.”

I sighed and leaned against the backrest of the chair. “Trust me, Bomi, I’ve racked my brain for days now, but I still can’t tell why she’s acting like that. Bigla na lang din nitong di sinasagot ang aking mga tawag. Gustuhin ko mang makita ito ng personal pero lagi niyang sinasabi na marami siyang ginagawa at ayoko namang makasagabal sa kanyang negosyo.”

“Hindi kaya…” Tumigil ito sa aking harap at namewang.

“What?” Kunot-noong tanong ko.

She looked at her left and right then back to me again. “You didn’t knock her up, did you?” Halos pabulong lamang na sambit nito.

I almost choked at my own saliva. “I wish I did but no, Bomi. We were always careful at ang bagay na yan ay kailangang pag-usapang mabuti. Hindi ko siya bubuntisin kung labag iyon sa kanyang kalooban. Please give me some credit. I am not an asshole you assumed me to be.”

“Oh, no, Sir Matt. Hindi ganun ang ibig kong sabihin. At kung sakali mang mabuntis mo nga si Porsche ay alam ko naman na pananagutan mo ang aking kaibigan.”

I only nodded in agreement. Tumayo ako. “Is it okay if I go upstairs to her room? I just want to check on her. I won’t wake her up if she’s sleeping. Gusto ko lang talagang makita ang kaibigan mo.”

“Okay.”

Porsche’s POV

The sound of my door opening woke me up. When I felt someone sit on the side of the bed, that’s when I slowly snapped my eyes open.

“Hi, cupcake.”

His gentle voice caressed my entire being. I smiled at him. “Hello.”

Matteo touched my cheek with tenderness. “How are you feeling? Ang sabi ni Lena ay nilagagnat ka daw.”

“Okay na ako, Matt. What are you doing here?”

He clicked his tongue in disappointment. “Babe, what kind of question is that? My girl is sick. Saan ba dapat ako kundi sa tabi niya? I’m disappointed that you didn’t even bother to inform me.”

“Ayokong makaabala sa’yo, Matt. At isa pa, kaya kong alagaan ang sarili ko. Hindi na ako bata.”

Matt sighed. “You used to be alone before, Porsche. But you have me now. You can lean on me now. Kung hindi pa tumawag si Darren kay Bomi ay hindi pa namin malalalaman na nagkasakit ka na pala.”

I gasped at agad na bumalikwas ng bangon sa kabila ng pananakit ng aking kalamnan. “Si Darren!”

Hinuli ni Matt ang aking mga balikat at maingat na tinulak ako pabalik sa kama. “He’s fine. Your son is downstairs with Bomi. Don’t worry about him.”

“Did he see you?”

Tumango ito. “Of course. We introduced ourselves to each other. He’s a good kid. You have a good son, Porsche. You raised him well.”

Hindi ko alam kung anong meron sa sinabi ni Matt na nagpainit sa gilid ng aking mga mata.

“You’re crying.”

Umiling ako. “I’m not.”

“What’s wrong, babe?” Bakas ang pag-alala sa kanyang boses na mas lalong nagpaluha sa akin. What is wrong with me?

I shook my head again. Hindi ko maibuka ang aking bibig sa takot na umalpas ang mga hikbi na ilang araw ko nang pinipigilan sa tuwing naiisip ko ang sitwasyon namin.

“Can I hold you, baby?” The gentleness in his voice made me cry harder.

Hindi na nito hinintay pa ang aking sagot. He laid down beside me and pulled me into his arms. His hold tightened around me as he heaved a deep sigh. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.” Paos na boses na sambit ko. I made a fist on his now crumpled shirt and cried on his chest.

“Stop crying, babe. Baka mas lalong makasama sa’yo.”

He’s too kind for me. Matt is too perfect for someone like me. And God, how I love him so much.

It felt right to be lying next to him, but my conscience was not agreeing to my feelings.

It’s wrong, Porsche. How could you? How could you let other man touch you in the same bed your late husband used to touch you before? This bedroom is sacred! You made lots of love here, created lots of memories here. How could you disrespect your husband, the father of your children?

“Are you okay, Porsche? Gusto mo bang dalhin na kita sa ospital?”

Umiling ako kasabay ng pagpahid ng mga luha. Bahagya akong lumayo sa kanya. “Thank you, Matt. I just need a moment. I just want to be alone.”

His eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t understand. Do you want me to go away?”

“No, no. Gusto kong maligo muna bago bumaba.” I smiled at him, but my heart was about to burst from pain.

Alanganin itong tumango. “Okay.”

“Thank you, Matt. You are so kind and so perfect.”

Tumawa ito sa deskripsiyon ko sa kanya. He gently tucked the hair at the back of my ear. “And you, despite being sick is so f*****g sexy and beautiful. God, you have no idea how I missed you much, baby. Bago pa lang tayo nagbalikan pero ang ilang araw na walang komunikasyon ay halos magpabaliw na sa akin.”

“I’m sorry. Hindi ko inaasahan na magkakasakit ako.”

“I’m okay now.” He pressed soft kisses on my face. I smiled as I closed my eyes, but Steve’s hurtful face stared back at me.

Nilayo ko ang sarili kay Matt. At kahit nahihilo pa ako ay tumayo ako para dumistansiya sa kanya. “Please go, Matt. Hintayin mo nalang ako sa baba.” Niyakap ko ang aking sarili.

Matt looked at me with hooded eyes. He’s not stupid. He could sense there was something wrong with me.

“You’re acting weird. I would like to think it’s because you’re sick and still in pain.”

Tumango ako. You’re right. I’m in so much pain right now.

“I’m sorry. Gagaan din ang pakiramdam ko kapag nakaligo na ako.”

He stood up and shoved his hands into the front pockets of his tailored pants. “I will wait downstairs. Don’t stay too long in the shower. You might catch a cold.”

“I know. Thank you.”

Nang makalabas si Matt, I made sure to lock the door. Kahit ang totoo’y mabigat pa rin ang aking pakiramdam, kailangan kong panindigan ang excuse ko na maligo para lang makaiwas. Pero bago ko pa man maihakbang ang aking mga paa, rinig ko ang tawanan ng dalawang tao sa baba ng bahay.

I imagined Matt playing chase with Darren. My baby was enjoying playing with his new friend. His laughter was a give-away. At imbes na matuwa ako ay mas lalo akong napaiyak.

Steve would have given anything to have played with Darren. To get to know him and to tell his son how much he loved him.

Steve died in a painful death. My loving husband did not deserve it. He didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye to me and to his children.

And here I was after five years without him, found someone else to love. I was so selfish.

I buried my face on my hands. “Steve, darling. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I felt disgusted at myself. The guilt I was feeling right now was eating me alive. Nagmamadali akong tumungo sa tokador at binuksan ang maliit kong jewelry box. Agad na sinuot ko ang aking wedding ring.

Tinapat ko sa aking dibdib ang palad kung saan nandun ang singsing.

“Steve…. You’re my forever man.”

Matt on the other hand, was never mine to keep. He was going to leave me, anyway.