Fortress Island Series 3: Matteo, The Bastard's Sweetest Downfall

SEVEN: STUPID

Kupkop ko ang aking cellphone na nahulog ko kanina habang naglalakad ako paroo’t parito sa sala. Tinatambol ng kaba ang aking dibdib. Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto o oras na ang nakalipas pero hindi ko magawang kumalma o maupo man lang. Ang daming tumatakbo sa aking isipan. Ang mga ganap kaninang umaga ay paulit-ulit na aking binabalikan. Ang sumbat at poot sa mga mata ni Ahreum ay tila punyal na nakabaon sa aking dibdib at hindi ko alam paano ito alisin. Hindi ko alam paano ko ipapaliwanag sa aking anak ang ginawa kong pagkakamali.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga. Pagkakamali. Ewan ko ba pero mabigat sa loob ko na tawagin si Matt na isang pagkakamali. Hindi ko maipagkakailang naging masaya ako sa ilang sandali na nakapiling ko ito. At hindi ko kailanman matandaan ang huling beses na naging tunay na masaya ako bago ko nakilala ang lalake.

“Ate. May naghahanap sa’yo.”

Napaigtad ako sa pagpukaw na iyon ni Lena mula sa aking malalim na pag-iisip.

“Huh? Magpapasinsilyo ba?” Lutang na sagot ko.

Kumunot ang noo ni Lena sa akin. Parang nagdadalawang-isip ito kung tatawa ba o mag-aalala sa sinabi ko. Napakamot ito sa kanyang batok. “Yung pogi na nandito nung nakaraan, nandito ulit, ate. Hinahanap ka kako.”

Napalunok ako at tumango sa kanya. “Papasukin mo, Lena.”

Nagulat ito sa aking sinabi. Agad na lumawak ang ngising nakapaskil sa kanyang mga labi. Bakas sa kanyang mukha ang panunukso. Wala akong lakas na pasubalian ito. Bahala siya o kung sino man sa gusto nilang isipin.

“Sige, sige, te. Papapasukin ko na agad-agad.” She winked at me at agad na nawala ito sa aking paningin.

Pinili kong umupo sa sofa at humalukipkip. Ilang sandali pa’y rinig ko ang kanyang mga yabag na papalapit sa akin. Bago pa ako makatingala ay halos napatili ako sa biglaan nitong paghila sa akin at agad na niyakap ako ng mahigpit. Sa gulat ko’y nabitawan ko ulit ang aking cellphone.

“Matt.” Mahinang saway ko. His hand was cupping the back of my head as he pulled me closer against his chest. I had no choice but to bury may face on it. Agad akong napapikit nang malanghap ang pamilyar nitong pabango.

His other arm was securely wrapped around my waist, holding me in place, making sure there’s no way I could ever let go from his hold.

He gasped as he breathed me in. “I was worried.” He murmured at the top of my head. He then started giving me soft kisses on my temple and forehead. “I missed you, cupcake.”

“Matt, please.” My voice was still weak. Just by his presence, he made me melt in an instant. Lahat ng mga balak kong sabihin sa kanya ay tuluyang nilipad ng hangin. Hindi ko alam saan mag-uumpisa o paano hahagilapin ang mga salita.

Matt bent his head as he cupped my cheeks. It was then that I was able to look at him up-close. And I wasn’t prepared by the emotions his eyes conveyed as he stared at me. He made me breathless.

“Are you okay?” The concern in his voice could be felt in my bones.

I wanted to say yes because he was holding me like this, but I knew deep in my heart, I wasn’t. I shook my head and tears started to well in my eyes.

“I’m sorry. Hindi ko inaakalang malalaman ng anak mo sa ganitong paraan. I should have been careful.”

Umiling ako. “Hindi mo kasalanan. I should have known better, Matt. Alam kong malalaman niya ang tungkol sa ginawa ko kahit ano pa mang pag-iingat ang gawin ko. I should have stopped…”

“Oh, no, Porsche. Don’t f*****g tell me you regret everything that happened between us.” Matalim na saad nito.

Umiling ulit ako. “Hindi na dapat ako nakipagkita pa ulit sa’yo, Matt. Hindi ko dapat inuna ang sarili kong kaligayahan. Nawala sa isipan kong may mga anak ako at dapat sa kanila na lamang umiikot ang mundo ko. Kasalanan ko dahil pinili kong kalimutan na isa na pala akong ina.”

“For f**k’s sake, Porsche!” He yelled. “I was aware that you’re a mother of two when I asked you out for dinner. I was aware that you’re a widow when I approached you the third time. But it did not stop me from liking you.”

“And I like you too, Matt. Who am I kidding? There’s nothing to dislike about you. You’re too perfect for me. At nagpapasalamat ako dahil sa kabila ng lahat, nagustuhan mo ang isang tulad ko. Pero katulad ng sinabi ko sa’yo kagabi, tapusin na natin ito. Higit lalo na ngayon na alam na ng anak ko ang ginawa kong pagkakamali. Putulin na natin kung anumang ugnayan na mayroon tayo, Matt. Isang malaking pagkakamali ang lahat ng ito.”

“Bullshit! Ang nakikita ko lang na mali dito ay hindi mo pinaalam sa kanila ang tungkol sa atin pero hindi kailanman isang pagkakamali ang kung ano man ang mayroon tayo, Porsche. Malaya ka at malaya kang magkagusto sa iba. Sa akin.” Turo nito sa kanyang sarili.

“Ano ba ang mayroon tayo, Matt? Anong klaseng relasyon ba ang mayroon tayo?”

Nagsalubong ang kanyang kilay na tila ba hindi nito naintindihan ang aking tanong. “We…we are…. what we have…” He couldn’t find the right words. Confusion crossed his face. His jaw clenched nervously as if he was in the middle of crisis.

Mapait akong ngumiti. “Kita mo na? Hindi mo ako masagot. Walang label ang relasyon natin. Kung meron man, we’re only bed partners, Matt. We lust for each other. But I don’t think kaya pa nating e-level up ang relasyon natin.”

“Bed partners.” He uttered those words painfully. He swallowed.

“Yes, Matt. That’s what we were.” I took a sharp intake of breath. “Ito na ang huling beses na mag-uusap tayo, Matt. Forget me and I will do the same. Bubuoin ko ulit ang nasirang tiwala ng anak ko sa akin. Kaya kong mabuhay na walang lalake, Matt. Pero hindi ako mabubuhay na wala ang mga anak ko. They are my life at hindi iyon magbabago pa. At tiyak akong hindi mo maiintindihan ang punto ko dahil hindi ka pa nag-asawa at nagkaroon ng anak.”

“But I am not stupid, Porsche. I got your point but unfortunately, you don’t get mine.” Matt shoved his hands into the front pockets of his pants. He titled his head upward and closed his eyes momentarily. He sighed in resignation. “Okay, Porsche. I will let you have your way if that’s truly what you want.”

“Okay.” I repeated the word in whisper. Pilit itinatago ang hapding gumuhit sa dibdib.

Umiling ito. “Porsche.” He called my name like he’s worshipping it. “Can’t we at least be as friends?” His pleading voice made my knees weak I had to grab the armrest, or he’d find me kneeling on the floor.

“Matt.” I choked on my sobs. Umiling ako. “I don’t know but for me, I can’t. Friends don’t screw each other’s brains out, you know. What he had, what we did…” I sighed. “I can’t see you as friends, Matt. You have to understand me.”

“I understand. Gusto ko lang naman na makita at makausap ka kahit bilang kaibigan man lang. Pero totoo din ang sinabi mo, Porsche. Hindi kita kayang tignan bilang kaibigan lang. I like you. I ache for you. I crave for your touch. I want to kiss you all the damn time. You f*****g drive me crazy with everything you do, cupcake.”

Hindi ko siya matignan ng matagal dahil tumatagos sa aking buto ang kanyang mga titig. Umiwas ako ng tingin dahil tiyak akong pulang-pula ang aking mukha. And I didn’t even know that someone as old as me could still blush these days. God, this man. He would be my undoing.

“You really want me to get out of your life for real, huh.” The bitterness in his tone was too strong I could taste it. “I’m sorry if I caused trouble to your life. Tinitiyak ko sa’yo na hindi na ito mauulit pa. I wish you all the best.”

“Thank you, Matt. Ganun din ako.” I forcefully swallowed the bile forming in my throat. I made my hands into fist, holding myself in place. Deep inside, I was about to break in front of him, but I’d rather die than let him witness my breakdown.

“So…this is goodbye.”

Tumango ako, hinayaang tumulo ang mga luhang kanina pa pinipigilan. “Yes, it is, Matteo.” Sa garalgal na boses na sagot ko.

“Goodbye, Porsche. I wish you nothing but the best.” He said as he gulped down. Hindi ako tinapunan nito ng tingin at basta na lamang ito tumalikod sa akin. Pero bago pa ito makagawa ng hakbang, nagsalita ulit ako bago ko pa mapigilan ang sarili ko.

“I’ll walk you to the door.” I knew deep in my broken heart; I wasn’t ready to let him go.

Sandali itong natigiilan. “I know the way out, but if that’s what you like.” He shrugged his shoulders.

Nakasunod ako sa kanya habang tinatahak namin ang direksiyon ng bakeshop. Ang mga mata ko naman ay nanatili sa malapad nitong likod. I had drawn blood to his skin from my nails every time he went rough on me. I wondered if those marks were already healed. I guess there will never be a chance to know the answer to my question.

Tumigil ito sa mismong tapat ng pinto. Kasabay ng pagtigil nito ay ang pagtigil din ng pagtibok ng aking puso. When he opened the door, that’s when I realized it was raining hard outside.

He took a step but only to face me. “I already said my goodbye. I hate repeating that word. And before I go, promise me one thing, Porsche.”

I blinked as I looked up to him. I bit my bottom lip to stop it from trembling. I really didn’t want to appear weak in front of him. I didn’t want to worry him.

“Promise me that you will find your happiness. No matter what it is, where it is, who it is, find it, because if there’s one person, I know that deserves to be happy, it’s you. Your eyes are sad, and I hate myself knowing that I caused that to you. I hope the next time I see you; your eyes are dancing with happiness. I swear to God, you’re the prettiest girl in the world when you’re happy. Now, smile for me, cupcake. Please.”

I couldn’t. Instead, I buried my face on his chest and cried. I let go of my emotions and didn’t give a damn about the rest.

“My Porsche.”

And before I could utter a word, he held my cheeks with both hands and kissed me hard on the lips. And before I could even respond, he let me go and walk in big strides to his car that was park nearby. He didn’t even care to get soak under the heavy rain.

Umalis ako doon at pumasok sa sala. Ayokong makita ang paglayo ng kanyang sasakyan. Nanghihinang umupo ako sa sofa habang subsob ang mukha sa aking palad. My eyes were doing the same thing just like the pouring rain outside. Why does it hurt so much?

“You did the right thing, Porsche. You did the right thing.” I whispered in thin air even though my heart was screaming out the name of the man who just left.

*********

It had been a month. Kahit paano ay unti-unti ko na ulit nakukuha ang loob ni Ahreum kahit ba paminsan-minsan ay sinasapian ito ng kamalditahan at basta nalang akong hindi kibuin.

Kasalukuyan kaming nanonood ng telebisyon at tiyempong binabalita ang kakabukas lang na paaralan na itinatag ng pamilya Salvatore bilang suporta sa mga magulang na walang kakahayang pag-aralin ang mga anak.

When the camera zoomed in on Matteo’s face, napatuwid ako sa pagkakaupo. Hindi nakaligtas sa akin ang malalakas na pag-ubo ng kambal na nandito din ngayon sa aking bahay. I glared at the two of them who just grinned at me.

“May ubo ba kayo, tita and tito?” Tanong ni Ahreum na napansin agad ang inasta ng dalawa. Nakaupo sa aking tabi ang aking panganay.

“Medyo may sore throat nga ako inaanak.” Si Zuri na halata namang nagpapalusot lamang.

“Nasamid lang din ako.” Palusot ni Bomi.

Nag-angat ng tingin si Ahreum mula sa kanyang cellphone para sulyapan ang kambal. Tila hindi nito tanggap ang sagot ng dalawa pero nagkibit-balikat lamang ito.

Laking pasalamat ko nalang na hindi sa telebisyon nakatuon ang atensiyon ni Ahreum kundi sa kanyang hawak na gadget. Ang bunso ko naman na si Darren ay natutulog na sa kanyang silid.

Ako naman ay hindi maalis-alis ang mga mata sa TV. Just looking at his face smiling at the camera made my heart wince in indescribable pain. The urge to touch the screen with my fingers was too strong I had to hold back. Judging from his glowing skin and bright face, there was not a single trace of being heart broken or someone who missed another person terribly. He looked dashingly handsome as he had always been. He will always be perfect in my eyes. God, I missed him so much.

“Oh! I know him!” Ahreum blurted out. Nilingon ko ito at nagulat akong sa TV din pala nakatutok ang kanyang tingin. Bakas ang galak sa kanyang mukha.

“Sino?” Halos makapusan ako ng hininga nang tinuro ni Ahreum ang TV. Matt’s face was still there smiling sweetly through the lens.

“That man. I met him before. His handsomeness is so unreal in person, Mommy.” She giggled.

I choked. Pakiramdam ko’y naninikip ang aking dibdib sa sinabi ni Ahreum. Dinaluhan ni Bomi at Zuri kaming mag-ina. They were crowding us.

“Paano mo siya nakilala, Ahreum?” May talim sa boses ni Zuri. Hindi nito nagugustuhan ang pamumula sa pisngi ng inaanak.

“May gusto ka ba sa lalakeng yan, Ahreum? Ilang taon ang tanda niyan sa’yo, maghunos-dili ka!” Si Bomi.

It was too much for me. Tumayo ako at nanginginig na naglalakad paroo’t parito. Ayokong marinig ang isasagot ni Ahreum. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang aking gagawin kapag nagkataon….

My daughter laughed hysterically. “Ang OA ninyo.” Her boisterous laughter echoed from all corners of my house. “Hindi ko siya crush although I’d like to think that he’s, my superhero.”

Napalunok ako. “Paano mo nasabi yan, Ahreum?”

“Why do you sound worried and nervous, Mommy? Andito ako kasama n’yo. Walang nangyaring masama sa akin.”

“Okay. Magkwento ka. How, when and where did you meet that man? We’re all ears, hija.” Si Bomi na sumulyap sa gawi ko.

“Maupo ka muna dito sa tabi ko, Mom. You’re making me dizzy pacing from here to there.” Pangusong sambit nito. Tinapik nito ang espasyong inupuan ko kanina.

Sa nanginginig na tuhod ay umupo ako ulit sa kanyang tabi, Ginagap ni Ahreum ang aking palad. “I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you.”

“Just…just go on, Ahreum. Tell me everything and don’t you dare leave a single detail.”

She rolled her eyes. “Okay. Okay.” She filled her lungs with air. “Remember that day when you and I had a fight? You know that day nung makita kong may underwear na nakatago sa bag mo.” She scrunched up her face. Her expression turned sour.

Tumango ako. I remembered that day. It was the day Matteo and I finally bid our goodbyes.

“Umalis ako ng bahay at pumasok sa school na walang dalang payong. Pero dahil nga masama ang loob ko at panay ang iyak ko, pinauwi ako ng teacher namin. I was waiting in the waiting shed, magpapatila sana ng ulan bago umuwi ng bahay. Nakakapagtaka din na nung araw na yun e walang mga tao at sasakyan sa daan. Sabagay, hindi pa kasi oras ng uwian kaya wala pang mga tricycle na tumatambay sa labas ng school. Tahimik lang din naman akong nakaupo doon hanggang sa may tatlong lalakeng sumilong din sa waiting shed…” Humina ang boses ni Ahreum. Yumuko ito. “Mukha silang hindi taga rito sa atin.”

“Oh, my God.” Kuyom ko ang aking kamao. “Wag mong sabihin sa akin na ginawan ka ng masama ng tatlong lalakeng yun, Ahreum!” I was getting hysterical. Ang lakas ng pintig ng puso ko.

“Sabihin mo sa akin, natatandaan mo ba ang mukha ng tatlong yun? Hindi ako mangingiming bahidan ng dugo ang aking mga kamay, inaanak.” Nagtagis ang bagang ni Zuri.

“May kilala akong police. Pwede tayong humingi ng tulong sa kanya.” Si Bomi na siya ngayong palakad-lakad sa sala.

Umiling ang aking panganay. “Nothing happened. Before those men could approach me, may tumapat na sasakyan sa harap ng shed. Lumapit sa amin ang lalake. The man who got out of the car exuded a terrifying aura that the three men cowered and ran away. I was afraid of him at first until he spoke and asked if I was okay.” Ahreum said between heavy breathing. Kupkop nito ang dibdib. “Bumalik tuloy ang kaba ko nung gabi yun, Mommy. Akala ko talaga mapapahamak na ako, e. Buti nalang dumating siya.”

“Did the two of you talk?” I asked, calmer now.

She nodded. “Umupo kaming dalawa at nagtanong siya anong ginagawa ko doon. Sabi ko nagpapatila ako kako ng ulan bago umuwi ng bahay. Maglalakad lang sana ako dahil nakalimutan ko ring dalhin ang wallet ko pambayad sana ng tricycle. He probably noticed my puffy eyes, so he asked me what happened.” Lumabi ang aking anak. “Sinabi kong nag-away kami ng Mommy ko at sumama ang loob ko sa kanya. And then when I looked up to him, I also noticed how sad his eyes were. Nakakapagtaka rin na medyo basa siya sa ulan gayong may sasakyan naman ito. But anyway, I asked him why he looked sad.”

I swallowed the lump behind my throat. “What—what did he reply to you?”

“Hmm…should I tell you? I promised him I will not tell anyone what we had talked about.” She grinned mischievously.

“Ahreum!” Halos sabay na sambit namin nila Bomi at Zuri.

“Fine, fine!” Tawang-tawang sagot nito. “You don’t know him on a personal level so whatever.” She breathed and kept quiet for a moment, probably remembering the time she met the man. “He said something like he missed someone terribly and that’s it a shame that he couldn’t meet her anymore. I asked why and he said that seeing her would only cause her pain and that’s the last thing he wanted to give to the girl. I’m kind of sad for him, Mommy. Anyway, hinatid niya ako pauwi ng bahay pero hanggang dun lang sa kanto kasi sabi ko ayaw kong makita mo. Baka kung ano isipin mo. And please again, wag kayong magalit kung pumayag akong ihatid niya ako. He assured me that I could trust him. Pinakita niya sa akin ang kanyang identity cards. He even took a photo of himself and his card plate number. I sent them to my friend and told her that if I had gone missing, he’d be the suspect.” She chuckled at the absurd things they did. And then she sighed deeply. “Hmm…He looked deeply hurt that day though. Who on her right mind would choose to break his heart? I mean, he’s rich and gorgeous! That girl must be stupid. Really, really stupid. I hate that girl whoever she is.”

I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. Tears starting to pool around my eyes, so I stood up, avoiding doing eye contact to everyone.

“She probably has her reasons.” I said as I waved my hand in the air dismissingly. “Kukuha lang ako ng tubig sa kitchen.” Dugtong ko at gumawa ng malalaking hakbang para lang makalayo sa kanila.

“Is she okay?” I heard my daughter ask in a hush tone.

“You got her worried, that’s why.” It was Bomi who answered her.

Their voices became inaudible as I walked farther and farther from them. Pag dating sa kusina ay basta na lamang ako humugot ng upuan at umupo doon. Nakatukod ang aking mga siko sa mesa sapo ang aking ulo.

I didn’t flinch when warm arms wrapped around me from behind.

“I did the right thing, Bomi.” Ani ko sa nanginginig na boses.

“Of course, you did, bestie. You always do what feels safe. You do what you know is right even though the cost is quite high.” She sighed. “You’re the most selfless person I have ever met, Porsche. Lagi mong inuuna ang kapakanan ng iba. Lagi mong iniisip ang damdamin ng mga tao sa paligid mo to the point that you disregard your feelings. At kahit alam kong tama ang ginawa mo, hindi ko maiwasang hindi mainis sa sitwasyon. You’ve been dead inside for how many years since your husband passed away. I hated that when you laughed or smiled, your eyes didn’t do the same. When you met Matt, something had shifted in you. You were glowing. Your eyes were shining. And it pissed me off that after you ended your affair with him, you’re back at it again. Your hollow, empty eyes are coming back, and I hate it.” Tinanggal nito ang mga braso sa pagkakayakap sa akin at humugot ng upuan sa aking tabi.

She gently grabbed my chin and faced to her direction. “Tell me, Porsche, what do you truly feel about him?”

My eyes fell on my lap. “I…..”

“C’mon, tell me. Kahit na may idea na ako, gusto ko pa rin na sa’yo mismo manggaling.”

I sighed and looked at her straight in the eyes. It’s useless to tell a lie. What for? Wala rin namang magbabago. “I think I’m in love with him, Bomi.”

She nodded. “Just like I suspected. Now, tell me, when you think of him now, what do you feel?”

My lips trembled. “When I think of him, I feel sad. I am very, very sad because I miss him, Bomi.” My voice broke as I finally removed the mask and revealed what I truly felt since the day Matt and I said our goodbyes.

Bomi was teary-eyed as she looked at me. She gave me a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Then I guess, you didn’t do the right thing after all.”

“My daughter is right. I’m really, really stupid.” I chuckled bitterly.

What would I do now?