SIX: LIKE
3051 Words
Mailap sa akin ang antok. Isang oras na siguro akong nakahiga sa aking kama pero ang diwa ko ay gising pa rin. I sighed for the nth time. Hindi ko alam kung ano nais kong gawin. Sa huli, pinili ko na lamang ang bumangon at nagpalit ng damit pambahay. Sinulyapan ko si Bomi na naghihilik sa aking kama. Napangiti ako. Lumapit ako para ayusin ang pagkakakumot sa kanya. Laking pasalamat kong tulog na ito nang dumating ako dahil ayokong putaktihin ako nito ng mga tanong.
Bumaba ako sa unang palapag at tinungo ang aking panaderya.
I glanced at the wall clock. Pasado alas tres na ng madaling-araw. Isang oras mula ngayon ay darating na ang aking panadero na tagagawa ng ibang tinapay katulad ng ensaymada at cinnamon roll. Gigising na rin mayamaya ang aking tindera at assistant na si Lena.
Hinanda ko ang mga gamit at mga sangkap saka ako nagtimpla ng kape. I checked my notebook para tiyakin na walang nagpa-reserve ng cake para ngayong araw. Mabuti na lamang ay wala akong bookings for today. Gusto ko mang umpisahan ang paggawa ng tinapay ay tinablan ako ng katamaran. Hindi ko alam bakit wala akong ganang kumilos at tila ba wala akong lakas gumawa ng mga bagay na nakasanayan kong gawin. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang aking sarili. There’s probably something wrong with me. Lunes na Lunes ay nanlalata ako. Mukhang lalagnatin yata ako.
Pinilig ko ang aking ulo. I am just probably tired and need a rest. Bukod pa sa dalawang gabing magkasunod na wala akong sapat na tulog. Bitbit ko ang tasa ng kape sa sala nang masumpungan ko ang pagbaba ni Bomi mula sa ikalawang palapag ng bahay.
Magulo ang kanyang buhok at hindi maipinta ang kanyang mukha. Tila ba nagising ito mula sa isang bangungot. Naghihikab itong tumabi sa akin.
“Hindi ka makatulog?” Salubong na tanong nito sa akin.
“Hindi ka man lang ba nagulat na nakauwi na pala ako?” Ani ko.
“Naramdaman ko ang presensiya mo dahil panay ang baling mo sa kama. Pinapakiramdaman lamang kita, bestie.” She answered knowingly.
“You should have told me. Pwede naman akong tumabi kay Darren para hindi ko madistorbo ang pagtulog mo.”
“Akala ko kasi makakatulog ka kaagad pero nagising ulit ako sa kaluskos na gawa mo. Tell me…” Pinasadahan niya akong tingin. “What’s running in that pretty head of yours?”
Nagkibit-balikat ako saka humigop ng kape. “Nothing. My mind is blank.”
“What a load of crap, Porsche. I didn’t know you’re that good in bullshitting.”
“What some coffee?” I disregarded her statement.
“The caffeine I drank since you started running the bakeshop could probably last me a lifetime. So….”
“Bomi…. please I don’t want any interrogations at this moment. I’m exhausted.”
“I can see that. But it seems like you’re more exhausted emotionally, Porsche. So, what will happen next?”
“Huh?”
She rolled her eyes at me. “After your whirlwind affair and sexapade, what’s the next step you’re going to take?”
“There’s no next step, Bomi. It was over.” I said as I placed the cup of coffee on the center table.
“Ano?” Nanlaki ang kanyang mga mata. Hinawakan nito ang aking balikat kaya tuluyan akong napaharap sa kanya. “Ganun lang yun?”
“Ganun lang yun.” Sabi ko ng may diin.
“What? Ano ba yan. Akala ko pa naman si Matteo na ang sagot sa aking mga dasal para sa’yo. I got my hopes up for nothing. Gosh, I’m so disappointed. I’m angry. That asshole! Akala ko pa naman bukod tangi siya sa lahat!”
“He wanted more. Ako lang ang umayaw.”
“WHAT? What the f**k, Porsche!” Tinampal nito ang aking hita.
“Shhhh! Marinig ng buong kabahayan ang boses mo.” Kinurot ko ang kanyang tagiliran.
“Ipaliwanag mo ngang mabuti, Porcheska! Maloloka ako sa’yo! Kung nandito lang si Zuri, sinabunutan ka na tiyak nun!”
“What’s there to explain, Bomi? We’re not living in a fairytale. I’m a widow with two children and I wasn’t born rich! Hindi pa ako nahihibang para makipag-relasyon sa isang katulad niyang hindi natin kauri. Hindi pa ako nasisiraan ng bait para hangarin ang isang katulad niya, Bomi. I’m doing this to protect myself.”
“No, you’re just playing safe, Porsche.”
“Am I not allowed to that, Bomi? Matteo is out of my league. At isa pa, he just wants to have fun with me. I don’t think darating kami sa punto na magiging opisyal ang relasyon namin. He only wanted to play fire with me, Bomi. And if I give in to his demands, I might get burned at the end if I let my guards down. I must protect not just myself but also my children.”
My best friend sighed. “You got a point but then again, how sure are you na yan lang ang intention ni Matteo sa’yo? Paano kung gusto ka niyang makilala ng lubusan dahil talagang interesado siya sa’yo? What if he really wanted to be in relationship with you, Porsche? What if he really finds you special? Paano kung mahulog talaga ang loob niya sa’yo?”
“You’re kidding, right? Nakikita mo naman siguro ako, Bomi. I have nothing to offer. Sinong matinong lalake ang magkakagusto sa isang tulad kong bukod sa mas matanda pa sa kanya ay may dalawa nang anak? Sira-ulo lang ang tatanggap sa isang tulad ko, Bomi.”
“Now, now. Sa parting yan talaga tayo mag-aaway, Porsche. Ibalik ko ang tanong sa’yo. Nakikita mo ba ang sarili mo? Despite the age, you are still beautiful and sexy as hell, Porsche! Bakit ba ang liit ng tingin mo sa sarili mo, huh? Kung tumingin ka lang sana sa paligid mo, malalaman mong marami pa rin ang humahanga sa’yo at mga lalakeng gusto kang ligawan.”
Tinirik ko ang aking mga mata. “Aware ako sa intensiyon ng iba, but the moment they knew I have two kids, bigla na lang silang naglalaho na parang bula, Bomi. Please don’t think I was being oblivious. I knew, okay? I knew. I just pretended that I didn’t.”
“But Matteo knew you’ve got two kids.”
“Yeah, but he’s not offering me a relationship. He just wanted to bed me.”
“Ginusto mo rin naman.”
“Because I’m attracted to him and vice versa.”
“What if this attraction you have for each other will take you to a whole new level?”
Umiling ako. “It won’t.”
“Why not?”
“Are you even listening to me? Because I ended it. It’s over.”
“You ended it then why are you suffering now? Why did you cry so hard as if you just got your heart broken for the first time, Porsche?”
My jaw dropped to the floor. “Paano mo…”
“I saw you from the window. You were sobbing so hard the moment the car left. Namamaga pa rin ngayon ang mga mata mo. You look tired but you couldn’t sleep. Porsche, we’ve been friends since time immemorial. You can’t hide things from me.”
“It’s just that….” I paused and heaved a deep sigh. Tumanaw ako sa kawalan. “It’s just that…. I…I suddenly missed him, Bomi. I…. I missed the man.” I conceded.
That’s it. Kaya ako ganito dahil namimiss ko ang presensiya ng lalake. Sa maikling panahon na nakasama ko ito, pakiwari ko’y minarkahan ni Matteo ang buong pagkatao ko.
Hinawakan ni Bomi ang aking ulo at pinahinga sa kanyang balikat. “You, poor little thing.” Tinapik-tapik nito ang aking braso at pareho naming ninamnam ang katahimikan.
**********
Hindi ko alam na darating ang araw na magpapasalamat ako sa itaas dahil dumating ang Lunes. My morning routines as a mother had kept me busy that somehow it had stopped me from thinking about him even just for a while.
Laking pasalamat ko na rin dahil hindi ako kinulit ng mga bata tungkol sa pagkawala ko ng dalawang araw. Mukhang naipaliwanag ng mabuti nila Bomi at Zuri ang tungkol sa lakad ko na iyon sa kanila. Ang tanging tinanong lang ni Ahreum sa akin ay kung na-enjoy ko ba ang maikling business trip ko na iyon na kasama ang kaibigan. Ngiti at tango lang ang aking sinagot sa aking munting dalaga as I silently prayed for forgiveness.
“Mommy, I need extra money for my project. Nakalimutan kong banggitin sa’yo nung Friday.” Si Ahreum habang tinatapos ang kanyang almusal.
“Oh? Magkano ba kailangan mo?”
“Five hundred, Mom. Ibabalik ko ang sukli kapag meron.” Ngisi nito.
I smirked at her. Alam ko namang hindi na maibabalik pa ang sukli, kung meron man. “Nasa kwarto ang wallet ko, sa loob ng bag. Kumuha ka dun. Five hundred lang ha. Magbabayad pa ako ng kuryente natin.”
“Five hundred lang naman talaga.” Ngumuso pa ito sabay tayo para pumanhik sa ikalawang palapag ng bahay.
“Mommy, kailan babalik sila tita Bomi at tito Zuri?” si Darren habang ngumunguya ng kanyang paboritong hotdog.
“Hindi ko alam, nak. May pasok na si tita mo, e. Baka sa Sabado ulit.”
“Aalis ka po ba ulit?” He gazed up at me.
Sandali akong natigilan. Ngumiti akong umiiling sa kanya. “Hindi na, anak. Hindi na aalis si Mommy.”
“Okay lang.” He took another bite.
I stopped on my tracks yet again. “Anong okay lang, anak?”
He innocently shrugged his shoulders. “Okay lang na umalis ka, Mommy. Okay lang na gumala ikaw.”
Wala sa loob na hinila ko ang malapit na upuan at naupo sa tapat ng aking bunso. “Bakit mo nasabi yan sa akin, nak? Gusto mo bang umalis si Mommy?”
Umiling ito. “When I asked tita Bomi where were you, she said you’re having fun. And I liked it. I like that you’re having fun, Mommy.” Sandaling nag-isip ito. “Palagi na lang kasi ikaw dito sa bahay. Meeting friends is nice. I always meet my friends in school. I’m happy seeing them. Were you happy when you met your friend?”
Natameme ako. My mind did a flashback of the moments I spent with him.
I nodded without hesitation. “Yes, anak. I was very happy.” I almost choked. The honesty in my words made me emotional.
He nodded too. “Then, meet with your friend again, Mommy.”
Now that made me cough. I grabbed my glass of water and drank from it. Alanganin akong ngumiti sa aking bunso. “Hindi ko sure, anak.”
“I want to see you happy.”
I blinked my eyes. Did I hear him right? I was too stunned to speak. “I’m…. I’m happy naman, anak, kahit hindi ko kasama ang kaibigan kong iyon.” I replied almost breathlessly.
Lumabi lamang si Darren sa aking tugon.
My phone beeped as a sign that I received a message. Nanginig pa ang aking daliri nang kinuha ko iyon mula sa mesa. It was from Matteo.
I held my breath as I read it.
Matteo: Did you like my gift?
Kumunot ang aking noo. Gift? Ano ang tinutukoy ng lalakeng yun? Ang biglaang gala ba sa isla ang ibig niyang sabihin? Hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot kaya binaba ko na lamang ulit ang cellphone.
I sighed. Nagtatalo na naman ang aking isipan. Should I text him back? Pero malinaw ang sinabi ko na ayoko nang magkaroon pa ng ugnayan sa kanya. I made clear to him that our affair was over.
Tunog ng mabibigat na yabag ang nagpabaling sa akin sa bukana ng kusina. Hindi maipinta ang mukha ni Ahreum nang tumigil ito doon.
“Pwede ba kitang makausap, Mommy?” May galit sa kanyang mga mata at talim sa kanyang boses.
“I don’t like your tone, Ahreum. May problema ka sa akin?”
Her gaze went to Darren. “Diyan ka lang, Darren. Ubusin mo yang pagkain mo at wag kang lalabas sa kusina hangga’t hindi ka namin tinatawag.”
My eyes hooded at my daughter. “What is wrong with you?” Hinawakan ko ang kanyang siko para igiya ito sa sala.
Pumiglas ito sa pagkakahawak ko sa kanya. “There’s nothing wrong with me, Mommy. The only thing that is wrong here is you. You lied to us.”
“What?”
“Ano ito, Mom? I found this man’s underwear inside your bag!” She threw it on the sofa at tila diring-diri doon.
My jaw dropped to the floor. Napahumindig ako. My mind refused to process what was happening at the moment. No, God, no. Please, no.
I remember Matteo’s message. Ito ba ang kanyang ‘gift’? Did he put his underwear in my bag without telling me? That bastard!
“I can’t believe you lied to us, Mommy! May lalake ka?! Did you spend your weekend with him? Oh, my god. I’m going to puke.” She covered her mouth with her hand. Tumalikod ito sa akin.
“Ahreum. Please let me explain, anak.”
“There’s nothing to explain, Mom! I thought you loved Daddy. Akala ko siya lang ang mamahalin mo? Akala ko you will remain faithful to him? You promised me na hindi mo siya papalitan! I don’t want any other man in our life! Si Daddy lang!” Humagulhol ito at tuluyang sumalampak sa sofa.
Agad akong lumuhod sa kanyang harapan at hinawakan ang kanyang magkabilang pisngi. Pareho kaming hilam na sa luha. I felt so guilty. Kung pwede ko lang ibalik ang panahon, hinding-hindi ako makikipagkita kay Matt. It hurts to see my daughter crying hysterically. I betrayed her. I broke her trust. I felt disgusted of myself for being selfish. Na inisip ko ang sarili kong kaligayahan kaysa sa damdamin ng aking mga anak kapag nalaman nila ang ginawa ko.
“You are wrong, Ahreum. Hinding-hindi mapapalitan ng kung sino man ang iyong ama dito sa puso ko. I will always love your father, anak.”
“I don’t know, Mom. I don’t know. I don’t think I will ever trust you again.” Nagpahid ito ng luha at tumayo. She fixed her uniform. Nagtagis ang kanyang panga nang tumingin sa akin. “I swear to God, hinding hindi ko matanggap kung sino mang lalake ang ihaharap mo sa amin, Mommy. Walang makakapalit sa posisyon ni Daddy. Hindi ako papayag!” Ahreum screamed at my face before she marched out of the house. Nanghihinang napaluhod ako sa sahig. Oh, God. What have I done?
Gusto kong habulin si Ahreum pero alam kong wala ring silbi. Hindi ito makikinig sa paliwanag ko. At ano naman ang sasabihin ko? She’s right. What I did was wrong.
“Oh. Why are you crying, Mommy?” Darren appeared in front of me. My phone was pressed against his ear. “Yes, she’s crying. Yes. I don’t know.” He said as if he was talking to someone in the phone.
Kumunot ang aking noo. “Darren, may kausap ka ba?”
Tumango ito. “Your phone was ringing nonstop, so I answered it.”
“Sino yan?”
Inabot nito ang cellphone sa akin. “He said his name is Matt.”
What the actual f**k? Walang pag-alinlangan na pinutol ko ang tawag na iyon nang walang sabi-sabi.
“Okay lang ba na si Lena muna ang maghahatid sa’yo sa school? Si Mommy ang magsusundo mamaya.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t cry, Mommy.”
I kissed his forehead. “It’s nothing, anak. Mommy is fine. Thank you.” Kinuha ko ang kanyang school bag sa upuan at sinabit sa kanyang balikat. Tinawag ko si Lena na agad namang pumasok sa sala. I kissed my son on the forehead one more time before I let him go.
My phone rang again, and I did not hesitate to answer it. I was shaking from anger.
“Bakit ka tumawag! I told you to stop pestering me, Matt! I told you to forget about me! And why the f**k did you put your underwear in my bag? You ruined everything, Matt!” I was getting hysterical. Napasabunot ako sa aking buhok at panay ang lakad ko paroo’t parito.
I heard him sigh. “Why are you crying?” His voice was low, but the tone was demanding.
“Because I f****d up, Matt! My daughter is mad at me! I don’t know what to do anymore!”
“Calm down, Porsche.”
“I can’t! Kung nakita mo lang ang galit sa mukha ni Ahreum. Hindi pa ito nagalit sa akin ng ganun katindi, Matt. Aminado akong nagkamali ako. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko, Matt. Ayokong lumayo ang loob nila sa akin. They are my everything. I wish I did not meet you. I wish I did not like you, Matt.” I sobbed.
He groaned. “So, you like me, huh? Guess what, I like you too, Porsche.”
“Please, Matt.” I begged. “Forget me. Forget me.” It was useless to retaliate.
“f**k, I wish I can forget you, but I can’t. I hardly sleep last night because I can’t stop thinking about you, baby. And I know you feel the same way.”
Mariin akong napapikit. The thought that he was as miserable as me made my stomach flutter. God, what will I do now?
“Why would you like someone like me?” Suminghap ako. Unti-unti na akong kumakalma.
“I like your sweet smell. I like the way you smile at me. I like it when you’re underneath me as you moan my name like a prayer. I like every curve and mark on your body, baby. I like everything about you.”
I hiccupped. I blushed at his honesty. “You’re crazy.”
“Tell me something I didn’t know. But you know what’s crazier? I’m on my way to get you.” He said and the call ended just like that.
I dropped my phone on the floor. What did he just say?
- Writer
