Journey to Utopia

03: The First Night

Just please accept the reality

You are not accepted in the family

But I am always here with you

So do what I tell you to do

You don't deserve him, my dear

I'll make that man disappear

———

A DARK and dense forest welcomed me as I slowly opened my eyes. I can feel the spookiness but I am not scared. I don't have those intense and mixed emotions anymore. All I can feel is my anticipation to know how cruel and brutal this nightmare can be.

This whole place is so quiet and I don't see anyone. I started to walk slowly, examining the surroundings. Suddenly, I heard something coming from above, so I looked up but saw nothing. I did not give up, though. I continued looking up, hoping to see something, even just a bird or whatever. I heard the sound again but it did not come from above anymore. I think... from my back.

I turned around to see what was behind me but there was still nothing. What the hell? Is this a game? Is this hide and seek with sound effects?

My anticipation is growing more as the sound gets louder. I just followed it until everything turned quiet again. Not gonna lie, this is annoying. Is this nightmare meant to scare or just annoy me? I sighed as I started to look at the ground, having ridiculous imaginations. What if the ground suddenly opens and a monster comes out? What if someone attacks me from behind? What if there is an invisible creature here that is watching me right now?

However, I am not really afraid. I don't know what happened to me that I don't even feel nervous about what I will encounter in this nightmare. After moving on from Ivan's words and my traumatic memory of my father, my inner self became hard like nothing could break it. As soon as I fell asleep, my weaknesses were gone. When I got into this nightmare, I somehow felt strong. That's honestly weird. Or maybe I'm just feeling strong because I don't see any danger at the moment.

I walked again, still carefully looking at the ground. After a couple of seconds, I stopped walking because I saw a... golden leaf. With my growing curiosity and anticipation, I picked up the leaf without hesitation.

"What is this..." I whispered to myself, amazed at this thing I'm holding.

I continued walking, hoping to see more strange stuff—and I was not disappointed. I saw more golden leaves. I picked it all up. There is a total of six leaves in my hands now.

The sound hit my eardrums again. I immediately looked at my left side where it came from. I let out a heavy sigh as I saw nothing and no one but trees. I still went to that area, though. I just walked and walked even though I'm feeling annoyed again because I still might end up finding nothing interesting other than these leaves. That sound is probably just a distraction.

Maybe there will be a surprise attack later? Oh, come on, do it now, please.

I WAS stunned when a familiar place welcomed my eyes. No trees, just tall grasses. It took me several seconds to sink in what I'm seeing right now. I realized that it was the grass field where I saw my grandma dead...

My heart started beating faster and faster along with the thoughts coming into my mind. Why the hell would I end up here out of all places? Is this meant to happen? Who made this nightmare? I bet they are from Utopium! Probably the officials! Right! Jacob knows about my grandma's death in the grass field. How did he know that? How did the officials know that? How did they know that I thought my grandma's death was a dream? Were they stalking my mind before I went to Utopium? But how could they possibly do that? If they really did, then their superpowers are over-flowing!

Despite the anxiety caused by those questions, I was still able to move my feet. I completely went out of the forest and felt the grasses touching my legs.

"Ara, run!"

I looked around, shocked by the sudden shout of someone. I realized it was my grandmother's voice when I saw her meters away! And what the... I can also see myself! What the hell is happening?! Why do I see myself and grandma running?!

"Grandma!" I exclaimed when grandma fell onto the ground. "Are you okay?" I am so worried seeing my grandmother in pain. But I don't know what to do. Should I go there? Should I go to her? But I am already there! Damn! Why are there two Amaras?!

I shook my head, trying to forget those thoughts, as my feet started to move towards grandma and the other Amara.

A gunshot suddenly surrounded the whole area. I flinched and immediately covered my ears as I stopped walking. The golden leaves fell but I didn't mind them anymore. My eyes traveled around, trying to see where the gunshot came from. My blood ran cold when I saw a silhouette, but slowly it revealed someone tall wearing a black cloak and a white mask. Above all, he or she is holding a g*n.

With my heart racing, I ran as quickly as I could towards grandma. I don't care if I will be hurt, as long as grandma is safe. But before I could even get near them, the person with the g*n yelled. I realized he's a man by his voice.

"Prohibere! Et non morieris!"

What? Is that another language? I can't understand! But whatever he's saying, I know he will hurt my grandmother or worse... kill her!

Then that hit me.

My grandma... is already dead.

For some reason, I stopped running, I stopped moving. An unexpected but needed realization came into my mind.

I had a dream of my grandma being dead. But it turns out, she's really dead. Jacob told me that it really happened. So this nightmare is a... flashback. A flashback of what really happened that night when grandma died. But why don't I remember this event?

Anyway, I can't just let that man hurt my grandmother! Right! I should still save her! I don't care if this is just a flashback! I can't just watch grandma being hurt by some evil man! Without further thought, I continued running towards them. The other Amara and grandma also continued running away from the man.

"Grandma!" I called as I tried to grab her arm. My brows furrowed when I could not touch her. She did not even look at me. Didn't she hear me? I yelled! That was loud! They continued running away. I tried to touch her again but my hand just passed through her! I also tried to touch the other Amara but I couldn't! What is happening?! Why can't I touch them?! And they don't even see nor hear me!

"Damn it!" I yelled in frustration. I looked at the man. Can't he see me as well? Am I invisible? I flinched when he suddenly fired the g*n again.

"Prohibere!" his angry shout almost gave me a heart attack. Is he crazy? How will they listen to him if they cannot understand his language?

I examined the man. Of course, I can't see his face because he's wearing a mask. Who is he? Why is he doing this? Since he can't see me, I walked towards him. I know I can't touch him, but maybe I can touch his g*n. I will get it and shoot him. Gonna take advantage of my invisibility.

But what happened next was out of my control. I was just a meter away from him when he suddenly aimed the g*n at... me. What? Why? Can he see me? He then clicked the trigger. The bullet didn't hurt me, though. It just passed through me. I'm invincible!

"Grandma!" I heard a shout that sounded like my voice.

I remembered those behind me. I slowly turned around and saw my grandma... with blood. So the g*n was not aimed at me! It was aimed at grandma! I immediately ran to her as she fell onto the ground. Because I can't touch grandma, I just kneeled by her side while looking at her. My tears started flowing as I look at her from head to toe. She has some wounds on her wrinkled skin. I also examined the other Amara, and she has more wounds than grandma.

"Grandma, grandma!" the other Amara cried. "I will save you! Don't give up! Please!"

"I... I c-can't, my dear..." grandma was struggling to speak.

"This... is all m-my fault. I'm so... sorry." The other Amara caressed grandma's face as more tears came out from their eyes. "Damn! Why is my power not working?!"

My gaze went to her as I was puzzled by what she said. "What do you mean?" I asked even though she would not hear me.

The other Amara suddenly stood up. Anger. I can see anger in her eyes, like a fire that cannot be stopped whatever you do.

"You will pay for this! All of you!" she yelled so loudly. I don't know why, but right now, I can see a monster that cannot be tamed. I automatically looked back at the man to see how he reacts, but... he's gone. I stood up and looked around but I didn't see him anywhere. So he left, huh? Just like that? After killing my grandma, he just disappeared?!

I started to feel something inside me, something strong and wild. Anger.

Now I finally know how my grandma was killed, but I don't know who did it. But grandma also got some wounds and bruises! That means she was intentionally hurt before being killed! She was probably tortured! I looked back at grandma. The other Amara is there by her side already. She is crying so much right now. But I know she feels anger along with her grief.

I caressed my chest as I felt those intense and mixed emotions again. I tried so hard to fight it but did not win. I let myself fall onto the ground. My inner self is attacked again. It becomes worse every time I experience it. My left hand remained on my chest because I'm having difficulty breathing.

I just witnessed my grandmother die and now I have this cruel feeling again. Wow, I'm really cursed!

"Why didn't they kill me?" The other Amara suddenly spoke, still with a mournful voice. "Why only you? Why not me too?"

A new thought came into my mind after hearing her words. Why did the man only kill grandma? Why did he not kill me?

The whole grass field was quiet for a while. The other Amara was just crying softly now. And me, I was on the ground, trying to calm my inner self.

I HEARD footsteps, so I slowly stood up. Good thing, the intense and mixed emotions are now gone. I looked around and my eyes captured a silhouette walking towards us. I looked at the other Amara. She's looking at the silhouette too. I whispered a curse when the silhouette stopped beside her.

What the... why is it only a silhouette? It is just a shadow! It doesn't have a face!

He leaned towards the other Amara and whispered something. I knew it! He was the one I saw in my dream! I mean, I know it wasn't a dream, but let's just call it that. Just like what happened in my so-called dream, the other Amara did not answer. She just collapsed. Now my eyes are focused on the silhouette. Will it just leave or will it do something? My so-called dream ended after I collapsed, so I don't really know what happened next.

I almost had a heart attack when it moved and two red eyes suddenly appeared. Those eyes are staring at me right now and it's making my heart race, negatively. Those eyes... damn red eyes... I think I already saw it. Oh, s**t. I remember it now. When the fake grandma turned into a monster, I saw those red eyes and heard something before collapsing.

"You think I can't see you?" said the silhouette.

Just like what happened before, I did not answer and just stared into those eyes for an unknown reason. I heard something but I couldn't remember it because I felt very weak and lost consciousness.

CHIRPING BIRDS keep on hitting my eardrums! I covered my face with both my hands and grumpily rose up from bed. Or so I thought. I looked around and realized that I'm not on a bed, but on a grassy ground. I stood up and looked around. Grass field. I let out a heavy sigh as I remembered what happened earlier. Where is grandma? Where is the other Amara? Where is the silhouette?

Of course, they're not here anymore. The flashback had already ended. I just sighed again, disappointed with things not happening as I've wanted. I need to accept the fact that I cannot control the world, but the world controls me.

I looked at my side where two birds were chirping. Are they lovers? I bitterly smirked at that thought. I never fell in love. And no one ever fell in love with me. I was like that mysterious girl in primary, middle, and high school. My father has a lot of criminal records. My mother had affairs with many men. Who would want to be friends with a girl like me whose parents are scums in society? Anyway, I'm just 18 years old. I have a lot more to experience than being in those romantic relationships. I can live alone. I am independent.

Another bird arrived and it caught my attention because it has something in its feet. Golden leaf!

There is only one leaf. I wonder where the other five are. I'm just going to find it. I'm sure it's still here on the grass field.

I smiled at the bird and presented my palm. "Hey birdie, that's mine."

I'm not crazy, okay? I know the bird would not understand me, but there's nothing wrong with talking to it.

"You're so cute. Can you please give it back?"

The bird did not respond. It just looked at me. I am still smiling at it, hoping to get the leaf. "Oh, come on. I know you're a good bird." I smiled more and my hand went nearer to it.

"Tweet tweet." It finally spoke!

"Sorry, I don't understand bird language."

Oh, gosh. Why did I say that? The bird most likely does not understand English. We both don't understand each other. I can only imagine the bird saying that he or she cannot understand human language. Wait, what? Why am I suddenly having this kind of thought?

I was speechless when the bird put the leaf on my palm. I stared at it for a few seconds before smiling. "Thank you."

"You are welcome."

"What the—" I covered my mouth in shock. Did the bird just speak in English?! I stood up, still surprised. But I was surprised even more when I bumped into someone from the back. I slowly went away from whoever is behind me. My heart started beating faster as different thoughts came into my mind.

I turned around to see who it is and my jaw dropped. "I'm doomed," I whispered to myself.

"Yes, you are," he smirked.

So the one who said 'you are welcome' was not the bird! It was this man!

I slowly walked backwards, with memories flashing in my mind. The way he killed grandma. I remember it all clearly. Now he speaks English, huh? Not in another language anymore.

"You came back." He muttered every word creepily.

What? I came back? He's the one who came back because he left after mercilessly killing grandma!

At this moment, I should have run already. But something is stopping me. And I know that even if I run, he will still catch me. That damn mask, it's so ugly. I'm both scared and angry right now. Scared of what he will do to me and angry at what he did to my grandmother.

"This world is crueler than where you lived. But you still chose to be here."

I just realized that his accent is British. It makes his voice more intimidating.

"Do you wanna die... like your grandma?" He started to walk towards me, so I continued walking backwards.

Oh, s**t. That question. That damn question. I realized that he's also the silhouette who whispered to me.

"You really enjoy embarrassing me? I should have killed you when I could. It's your fault. I lost it."

My brows furrowed at what he said. I can't understand anything! I don't even know him! I don't know why, but I kept my mouth shut. I am just letting him speak. I feel like his words are special and important, even though I don't understand what he means.

"You little black-haired curse. You ruined everything. You killed the blondes."

What? Now he's talking about hair color? What the hell? I killed blonde people? For his information, my grandma is a blonde! He was the one who killed a blonde person! How dare he accuse me of murder?! My father is a criminal, but I'm not like him! Gosh, this is so confusing and annoying.

"Et non morieris."

Oh, that language again. Is he cursing or insulting me in another language?

"You must suffer before dying. An easy death is not for you. But you deserve to die."

His words attacked my inner self. I started to feel the intense and mixed emotions again. He reminded me of my father's words that night. Why do they keep saying I deserve to die?! He grabbed my neck and choked me, but I couldn't defend myself because I felt weak. I can't breathe. My heart is racing. My body is not in the proper condition right now.

My tears started flowing as the intense and mixed emotions attacked me. I tried to fight but I really could not. I cried more at the fact that I always lose. Yes, I'm a loser. I act strong but I never win. Why are everything and everyone so cruel to me? What did I do wrong? I just want to live peacefully. I just wanna feel love and care. Don't I deserve to be happy?

I just cried and cried. I let all of my tears come out. If this is my last time to cry, then I'll cry at my best. But my tears tonight aren't enough for the hell I've been through in my whole life. This nightmare is nothing compared to my cruel life!

"Mama..." I don't know why but that word just came out of my mouth. The man removed his hand from my neck like he had been electrocuted. Since I'm feeling very very very weak, I fell onto the ground. I did not bother trying to get up. I just let myself rest on the ground.

Who is Mama? It's absolutely not my mother because I don't call her Mama. I call her Mom. So who really is Mama? And why did I call her? Why am I saying things I don't know?

My thoughts faded away when the man grabbed my hair. "That woman! Where is she?!"

"I... don't... know."

I was shocked when he punched me in the face! What the hell!

"Stop hiding her! You two really deserve cruelty!"

For an unknown reason, I was triggered by what he said. "You are the one who's hiding. Why don't you remove your mask and... show your ugly face?" He punched me again. I do not regret saying that, though. I won't let him anymore. He has no right to insult me over and over again. It's weird, but I also don't want him to insult whoever that woman is.

Didn't he have training in boxing? His punch did not really hurt! I laughed at that thought. I don't know what's happening to me. Why am I laughing? I just wanna laugh. This is crazy, really crazy.

I sighed and spoke again. "Your punch is like a four-year-old touching my face. Go and do some training!" I laughed more.

"Really? Well, your laugh is like a witch dying of craziness," he replied.

I smirked. "Oh, that was not savage. I wasn't even offended! Please study how to be savage."

He punched me again. That was the third punch, yet I don't care. But I was shocked when he suddenly pulled out a piece of grass and then all of the grasses were gone. He's flexing his magic or superpowers or whatever.

"Stop with the nonsense." His voice was so stern. "Tell me where that woman is. Where is your Mama?!" I flinched when he shouted his question. He's very angry right now. I swear I don't really know Mama! And of course, I also don't know where she is! Can't he just use magic or what to find that woman? Why ask me? But I know he will not accept the answer 'I don't know'. He's crazy so he will continue to believe what he believes. Whatever. I'm just gonna say anything.

"Mama is in... my heart."

Oh, s**t. Why the hell did I say that?! Am I really joking right now while my life is in danger?

If this man is crazy, I am crazier. Why am I acting strangely? I never felt this crazy before! I never joke when I'm in danger! I should be scared, right? A while ago, I was scared, but not anymore. It seemed like something or someone made me feel good. Why am I feeling something funny inside me? What is happening to you, Amara?

I don't know if I can escape from this nightmare.