Journey to Utopia

Chapter 02: Worse than a Nightmare

How do you know if he is bad

If you do good, he’ll be mad

The evil never wants the kind

Wait ‘til he attacks from behind

Only then’ll you believe me

But it is too late to be free



•••

THE GORGEOUS door opened unexpectedly yet gracefully, stealing my eyes off the painting, then another gorgeous being came into sight. Sarah smiled as she walked to my side. I smiled back.

“You have a question, for sure.”

How did she know that? Is she a mind-reader or something? I sighed and asked her, “What is this painting?” I don’t just have a question but questions. However, as strange as everything, hesitation flourished in me—I don’t know why.

“Then you must have liked this,” her eyes drifted to the painting, “since you asked. You were the first to dare ask about this. Nobody is allowed to touch paintings and sculptures in the palace, so I’m warning you to control your fascination. Just admire things in your eyes. If you understand that rule, I can answer all your questions about everything you see here. And most importantly, you need to read The Laws of Utopium, to be aware of all the other rules.”

I gulped, overwhelmed by her speech. “I just wanted to know the painting’s name…” because I value names.

She smiled—I don’t know why.

“The Evil's Desire.”

Hearing that made me feel something—another strange thing today—as if dark secrets lie behind the colors. It’s either my instincts are correct, or I’m having wrong impressions. I can’t do anything about it. I have already given the painting a meaning, and that would stay in me until I find the truth.

“Anyway, take care of everything in this room. You’ll be punished if something’s broken or missing. The officials are very strict.”

“Officials…?” My eyes widened. I did not expect there were officials here. But that’s acceptable. Utopium is the way to Utopia, which they claim is the perfect place, so it really needs to be organized. I wonder who the officials are and what they are like.

Before Sarah could answer me, Jacob rushed into the room with a grin.

“Lunchtime!” he exclaimed. “Let’s go, Amara! The food here is so so so great! Tastes like Utopia!”

Oh, wow. A while ago, a perfect place; and now, perfect food.

If the room itself is top-tier, how much more is outside? Never did I expect this place to look bad, but I also did not assume it would be too wonderful that the enchantment I had with the garden came back. Perfect. That describes what I see. From the ceiling to the walls, stairs, and decorations, everything is perfect! I wonder how much all these cost. Is this really a palace, as what Sarah said? Aside from her and Jacob, I felt somehow good with people who smiled at me sweetly, so I smiled back. It was awkward because we don’t know each other. Maybe they’re just really nice. We walked out of the corridors and stopped when we reached a hall, which I suppose is the dining area—there are long tables that seem expensive. Why does everything here look expensive?

“You’re going to eat here. Guardians have a different dining area,” Sarah whispered, and I nodded. Jacob bid his farewell. I didn’t even notice they were gone as I was too focused on the surroundings. After looking around, I decided to sit on a vacant chair. The girl beside me immediately spoke up.

“Hello! Are you new? It’s my first time seeing you.” She examined me for how many seconds before smiling. “I’m Naomi!” she offered her hand. I smiled back and accepted it. I’m not sure whether she’s human or what, but I better be friendly.

“Yes, I’m new. My name’s Amara.”

“Wow, a pretty name for a pretty girl!” she chuckled.

My attention shifted to the other side when I felt motion. I immediately looked away when the guy caught my eyes. I realized he was the one I saw in the garden! He was the one I saw from the window! Oh no, he’s that guy who conquers gravity. Because of his presence, I did my best to chat a lot with Naomi so that I could mind my own business. I’m glad she’s friendly and talkative.

“We’re now friends, okay?” she sweetly smiled amidst our conversation.

“Of course!” I smiled back. People here are very nice. Naomi is very nice. I can feel her genuineness while talking to me.

Minutes later, the food came. I was stunned while some people in uniform put the food on the table. Wow! Just, wow! Where do they get so much money for all of these things? Oh yes, Utopium is supernatural! Is this food supernatural too? The moment I put the food in my mouth, it seemed like everything was okay. I don’t know what to call these recipes but one thing is for sure... these are perfect!

GOLDEN SKIN and hair were too vivid that I almost thought I would be delighted—but it turned out to be a lion. A real damn lion stopped in front of me while I was walking (now I can’t walk) around the garden with Naomi. Imagine getting near a wild animal. Who the hell wouldn’t be scared? Unless trained, everyone is doomed.

However, another strange occurrence, the lion is not hurting me nor it is trying to scare me. I’m scared on my own will, though the creature’s just there in front of me while I stand here and refuse to move.

Naomi laughed when she noticed my anxious face. “It’s not gonna eat you.”

“Oh… is that so?” I pursed my lips. “But why do animals—wild animals—they just roam around…”

“Don’t worry, it’s not a bit interested in you,” she laughed more, “because you’re bad. You look and smell bad to it!”

“What?!” My brows furrowed.

She calmed herself before answering. “I mean, animals and humans are friends here! Nobody’s gonna eat you! Animals love the food cooked by the chefs. Human flesh doesn’t taste good which is so true, though I never tasted it! Gross! Anyway, you’re bad. We both are.”

So she is human. Thank goodness.

After a while, the lion finally walked away, and I followed it with my eyes. The lion stopped in front of the guy I saw from the window, so I immediately looked away. Why does that person keep on showing up everywhere?!

“Do you know him?” asked Naomi.

“Sorry? Who?” I pretended to be clueless and continued walking, then Naomi followed. I started thinking of Sarah and Jacob. Where are they? I haven’t seen them since lunch.

“Ivan. The lion went to him.”

“Oh,” I nodded slowly, “I don’t know him, sorry.” Well, it’s true that I don’t know him. We had an awkward encounter, but he’s still a stranger.

“Really? But during lunch... he was looking at you.”

I looked at Naomi in shock and disbelief, frowning. “What?!”

“That’s true, I promise!” She looked around and went closer to me to whisper. “That lion is his closest animal here. I’m sure he told the lion to come to you.”

“He told the lion? Can he talk to it?” I frowned more.

“Yeah! Animals talk to you if they trust you.”

I scoffed at her answer. This place is really amazing! I just discovered today that animals can talk to humans! Wow, just wow!

“Naomi!” a voice called. We both looked at where the sound came from and saw a woman who looked like in her late 30s to middle 40s.

“Oh, that’s my Mom! See you next time, Amara! Get ready for tonight!” She waved her hand before running to the woman. Seeing them for a short while caused a sting in my heart. I didn’t expect her mother to be here. She’s lucky. I pursed my lips as I remembered my mother but quickly shook my head to forget about her. I want to avoid remembering the traumatic past as much as I can.

I FOUND out it was already 4 o’clock in the afternoon when I asked a stranger about the time. I don’t know where Naomi is. Neither where Sarah and Jacob are. My curiosity about their business is getting bigger and bigger, though I am in no place to know. As I walk around, I become more and more curious about Utopium and Utopia. I now believe in everything Sarah and Jacob told me. One thing that helped me believe, no matter how unbelievable it had seemed, is the constant talking of people about tonight’s nightmare challenge.

According to Sarah, I would forever be trapped in the nightmare if I fail to escape. What if the challenges are too hard? What if I can’t get out?

I decided to rest both my body and mind on a wooden bench. I could not hold my tears any longer when I saw an old woman talking to a little boy.

Grandma...

I did my best not to think of her death, but it was so hard and painful. I remember the time when grandpa died and I just cried the whole week, not attending school. That was when grandma told me not to do that again. She told me not to cry too much when she dies. That was her request because she didn’t like seeing me cry.

Sorry, grandma. Let me just cry for now.

After minutes of blurred vision and a sunken heart, I managed to calm down. It seemed impossible at first, but my tears were able to stop. I was lifeless for a while, silent and staring at blank space. But then a shadow appeared on the ground, reminding me of the silhouette with a voice I can never forget, and my senses came back. I slowly looked up as the black-haired, black-eyed Ivan sat beside me. Wait, what? Why is he here? Maybe he wants to be friends with me? I think that's it. Everyone here is friendly, so I should worry no more.

“You’re new here?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“You should be careful, then.” It sounded like a warning.

Confusion hit me. I let go of the window scene so that I could look at him and ask, “What do you mean? Why should I be careful?”

He smirked. “Oh, let me correct myself. What I mean is, you must be careful.” My heart started racing. I’m not usually timid, but this place is too hard to bear. The way this man speaks sounds like he knows something dangerous. Is there something bad in Utopium? Is that why he tells me to be careful? I’m not sure what he exactly means, but judging from his face, actions, and words, something not good is happening here.

“Not everything you hear is true,” he stood up, “Some might look good but are actually... wicked.”

I quickly blocked him when he attempted to leave. “W-what do you mean?” I asked with pure curiosity. He smirked and stared at me for a few seconds before speaking up.

“Malum est hic. Bona fortuna in via.”

My mind went blank. I just watched Ivan walk away from me. I thought he was going to leave already but he looked back. “And by the way, good luck on your first nightmare later.” He smirked again before getting out of my sight.

“DINNER TIME!” Jacob suddenly appeared in front of me. I haven’t seen him for hours! I looked around but did not see Sarah. “Where is Sarah?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” he shrugged, as if it’s the least he cares about. “Let's just go eat!”

I furrowed my brows. Why does it seem like he’s always excited about food? He only shows up when it’s time to eat.

“Why?” he asked because I was staring at him.

“Can’t you read my mind?” If Sarah can, maybe Jacob too.

He laughed softly after hearing my question. I don’t know why he’s laughing. I’m asking seriously. There’s nothing funny. He bit his lower lip, then came closer to whisper, “I... I... am not a…” He laughed again.

“You’re not a what?”

Jacob was still laughing when Sarah suddenly appeared in front of us. He pursed his lips to contain his laughter but his eyes and cheeks were too obvious. When she glared at him, he turned serious.

“You should now eat, Amara. I have something very important to tell you before 9 o’clock.”

I nodded. Sarah sounded authoritative. I’m just new here, anyway, so I better follow what they tell me, or else, I might be in trouble.

When we arrived at the dining area, Sarah and Jacob were gone again. Seriously, what’s their deal? I saw Naomi but we didn’t talk that much because I wanted to finish my meal quickly. Everyone was actually eating fast and I think I know why. They have to get ready for the nightmare challenge. I wasn’t surprised when I saw Sarah and Jacob already waiting for me as soon as I finished eating. I looked around and sighed as a thought came into mind. In the morning and afternoon, people are happy and carefree. But at night, they look anxious.

“Good thing you eat quickly!” Jacob gave me a thumbs up. “There will be flying dragons around the palace at 8!”

My eyes widened at what I just heard. “Dragons…?”

“Yeah, with wings and horns!” He even raised his hands dramatically.

I suddenly remembered The Evil’s Desire with winged and horned dragons in the sky. The single horn on each of them made them look like unicorns full of dread. I have also realized that the palace in the painting is this place where I stand. I am slowly getting answers to my questions.

“DO NOT be a coward. You must fight, not just close your eyes.” That was the first thing Sarah said when we entered my room. She looked directly into my eyes and spoke again. “I want to see you again tomorrow. No. I must see you again tomorrow. You must escape from the nightmare. Understood?”

“Y-yeah,” I nodded, though I don’t know what the future holds.

Is Utopium really like this at night?

“Let’s go,” Sarah grabbed Jacob’s arm and pulled him outside. He gave me an encouraging smile before closing the door.

I thought Sarah was going to tell me something important? She only told me not to be a coward. Does she think I’m a coward?

Tensed, uncertain, excited—my heart throbbed faster and faster when the smallest hand of the clock hit 8. I let out deep breaths as I walked to the window.

This is the first time I saw dragons.

They look exactly like those in The Evil’s Desire. The moon does not rule the night; the dragons do. Grim. Aggressive. Terrible. How do I even describe them properly? There is so much behind the cruel facade, so much beyond my view that I wonder if all of these are true or simply a fraud. But why am I involved? I am useless to everyone. Maybe I am just a randomly chosen player that is set to be eliminated sooner.

I looked down at the garden. No one’s there. Then I remembered the little girl, especially her smile. I wonder who made the painting. Why put that little girl there? I’m sure it has a meaning or it represents something because that’s what art is. If the palace, forest, garden, and dragons are all real, what about the little girl?

The more I look at the dragons, the more I feel something unexplainable. After a minute, I decided to close the curtains so that I could stop seeing the dragons. Now they’re out of my sight, but the feeling they brought me cannot disappear.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t just sit and wait until 9 o’clock. I sighed at the thought that looking around this room is the only thing I can do right now. I was hesitating but managed to open the drawers. I guess it’s not wrong to see what’s inside. I just need to take care of them and not let them go missing. I felt very lucky when I saw a book—with a brutal cover. My brows furrowed when I opened it which turned out to be not written in English, the only language I know. Of course, I understood nothing. However, just by looking at the words, I can feel something. Why am I always feeling weird? Maybe it’s not the feeling that is weird, but me myself. I’m just really weird.

STILL WAITING for 9 PM, I’m just walking around the room. I stopped in front of The Evil's Desire, again. It’s my nth time looking at this painting because I don’t have anything else to do.

My soul almost left my body when I turned around and saw a guy in my room! What the hell!

“I-Ivan?!” I can’t believe whom I’m seeing right now.

“Wow, you know my name.” He flashed his signature smirk, then walked closer.

“W-why are you here?! You... y-you are not a-allowed to be here!”

He raised a brow. “I don’t have the permission but I have the ability. I warned you. Be careful. You keep on messing up. Don't look. Don't listen.” Despite his fierce eyes and stern voice, he made no sense.

“What?!” I wasn’t able to control myself anymore so I pushed him away. “Are you crazy? What the hell are you saying?!”

He seemed to be insulted by what I did, but he slowly smirked. “You are in trouble you deserve.”

“What?!” I didn’t know what else to say. I can’t understand him. This is one of the few times that I am able to guess the meaning of someone’s statement.

“Do not believe them. Stop. Stop. Stop.” He held his shoulders with crossed arms. Before I could say anything, he spoke again. “It’s me. Ego sum et melior quam vos. It’s me.” Those were his last words before disappearing like magic. Damn! I did not understand anything! I don’t know why, but his words are triggering me!

It’s him... It’s him... It’s him...

Who is he? He is what?

It’s... him.

My breathing is heavy and my heart beats so quickly. Here they are again: intense mixed emotions that I don’t understand. This had already happened when my father tried to kill me! I clearly remember that night when he and I climbed a mountain, and I was so happy because he said he had a surprise for me. And yes, I was definitely surprised. But it was far from the surprise that I wanted. In the darkness where nobody else could witness, his goal was to murder me. If he succeeded, my body would be hidden and almost impossible to find. I barely survived! I barely escaped! He told me that I deserved to die. He had failed to eliminate me physically, but he did succeed in torturing my heart and mind. I was hurt, upset, scared, and angry at the same time. That feeling is similar to what I feel right now but somehow worse.

I hate this feeling so much. It is suffocating me. It is hurting me. When my inner self is attacked, my entire being suffers. I don’t know why Ivan’s words made me remember what my father did. The memories just came back out of nowhere. His words affect me severely as if something powerful tries to destroy me.

“It’s him,” a whisper from nowhere—maybe from my mind, maybe from someone unseen. Pictures then started to flash in my head like memories I don’t even remember. I always see pictures, and I don’t know what they really are, but they make my head hurt. “It's him.” Is there a ghost here with me? Well, I would prefer a ghost who only whispers rather than my father who kills and Ivan who smirks.

My life has been so cruel, but strangely, I manage to survive. I’m still alive at this point, in this supernatural place, where hope for a perfect world enchants people. Is that worth believing? Maybe I’m a fool like them who is well aware of all the cruelty in existence but wishes for peace and perfection.

I can overcome that nightmare, no matter how difficult it is. How can something in my head while asleep ruin my life? My life has been long ago ruined, anyway. If I’m being too confident and fearless, it’s because nothing changes whether or not I get trapped in a nightmare forever. My life will always be crueler than any nightmare. My life is the cruelest.

Everything went dark, the lights turned off, while I remained on the ground. Something’s pulling me to sleep. My eyes are closed. I feel dizzy. The cool air of the room covers me. Finally, I can answer another question of mine.

Which is worse, a nightmare or my life?