Unbreakable

7. Dark days

*TRIGGER WARNING*

The days after I left that house were some of the worst I’ve experienced thus far. It was as if a dark cloud wrapped around my body, squeezing every last ounce of will that I left to live.

Half of me is so angry at myself for allowing the demons to push me so far. Sure, I thought about my pups, but did I care in that moment about anything other than myself? Absolutely not. I was selfish. And the knowledge that I was drowning figuratively finally bled into reality had me questioning a lot about myself.

Every struggle that I've been put through has never brought me to this point. In my mind, it was like a slow drip of water. Each moment in my life that has brought me pain dropping into a cup. Drip. Drip. Drip. Until finally, my cup is overflowing with pain.

I’ve been to hell and back, and fought those demons long and hard. Fought to stay upright, for mom. For Bailey.

So why is it so hard now? Why am I struggling so bad now?

I told myself it was just Bailey and I. To hell with love and mates. The goddess was a liar. She liked to toy with people. Constantly testing my strength and will. See how far she can bend until she breaks. Well congratu-f*****g-lations. You finally found my breaking point.

I had built walls around myself before Nico came along. But somehow, Nico found a way around those walls. Climbing inside the tiny box that I’d built around myself and helping me break them down from the inside. Chip by chip. I remember him telling me I had done the same to him. The night he kissed me pushed up against the tree before rescuing Sam. But after that moment, I realized we were in adjoining rooms, using a screwdriver to chip away at the walls. But then our worlds collided and somehow, we made it through, meeting in the middle.

The night I met him, I didn’t want to go out. The idea terrified me, but something pushed me there. Pushed me to him. And then, I let myself go with him. Giving him the parts of me that I swore I’d never give anyone else. I felt safe with him.

Then Sam showing up in the Café, pressing for a single date. Nico’s abandonment pushed me right into Sam’s arms, and I don’t think I ever came back from that. They were so vastly different, but I needed that difference in my life. They were like the deepest parts of my soul in human form. They fulfilled everything I needed, together and separately.

Without them, I just feel so....hollow.

Humans think that love takes time. That you must build it slowly for it to be real. But for werewolves, it’s ingrained in our soul from the moment that we can talk that the Goddess knows our soul. She pairs us with our perfect match, and it’s love at first sight.

She didn’t know my soul, but I did believe in love at first sight. One look into Nico’s icy blue orbs and my soul was his.

I closed my eyes, remembering seeing him that first time. Our eyes meeting through the window of that café. He was like a wave, pulling me out to sea. Now I’ve drifted too far.... And I’m stuck in the current, losing my will to keep swimming. I no longer feel his arms holding me up when I grow tired.

I’ve gotten used to the feeling of the muscles in my chest constricting painfully, making it hard to breathe. It’s a pain that reminds me that I’m still alive.

Elongating my claws, I lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling, and hovering my hand over my heart.

With enough will, I could plunge my claws directly into my chest, ripping my own heart out. If I was fast enough, it wouldn’t be too painful. Might even be nice to feel a little physical pain before I go.

I can’t stop imagining the pain that Sam felt as he died. He was a human and, despite being the strongest human I know; his body wasn’t built to withstand that brutal torture.

Gritting my teeth, I slowly drill my claws into my chest, biting back the scream that is clawing its way out of my throat.

My mind is begging me to stop, the pain of having claws puncturing your skin until you hit ribs is excruciating, but for some reason, I can’t stop. Nico endured pain for me. Sam endured pain for me. This was nothing.

A reminder that I was too weak to actually do it.

I challenged Alpha Xavier in the hopes that he would take my life for me....because I didn’t have the strength to do it myself.

‘Baby girl, you have to stop hurting yourself. You hurt us when you inflict pain upon your soul,’ Nico’s voice filled my head.

“I deserve this,” I gritted out, trying to make a fist.

A tear slipped down the side of my cheek as my claw met the bone of my rib. My heart raced wildly, beating fast for a few moments, before stopping completely.

Just a few more inches and it would be in my hand.

“f**k,” I screamed, ripping my hand away from my chest. The wounds trickled with blood and in a few moments, they would heal. In an hour, the physical scar would be gone, though the mental one would last, and that’s precisely what I wanted.

Maybe I could wear myself down enough mentally to finally give up. For real.

Or I’m just doing this to remind myself that I am, in fact, still alive.... If I can still feel the pain, I know that I’m not too far gone.

‘What about our pups?’ Nico’s voice whispered, and I could almost feel the panic behind his words. It sent a chill down my spine.

Sitting up in bed, I let the sobs finally wrack my body. My vision blurred as I stared at the sheets, now coated with a damp, crimson stain.

I’m so pathetic.

My eyes burned by the time the tears stopped falling. I’m sure they are rimmed with red.....and feel very swollen.

Falling back onto the bed, I ignore the now cool dampness on the sheets. I would have to change them, and shower, but right now I didn’t care.

My eyes screwed shut, hoping that I could see him in the darkness. I wanted to pretend like they were really there. I wanted to imagine that I could touch them. That despite the fact that they were gone physically, that they would never be gone in spirit.

I’d wholly accept their ghost as my lover if that was possible. I chuckle at the idea. I’m convinced that I’ve officially gone insane. Who actually considers having a relationship with a ghost? A spirit. The voices aren't enough. They just feel cruel. So close, but so far.

Maybe Gabriella was right... I do need to see a therapist.

But at the same time, maybe I never want to get better. Can I learn to accept my reality? The reality that I would probably forever be in love with the ghosts of my past.... That I want them to haunt me as much as I don’t. That doesn’t even really make sense to me and probably wouldn’t make a shred of sense to anyone else. It’s a conflicting feeling. Wanting someone to stay as badly as you want them to leave you alone...

Numbness quickly consumed my body as I lay there, in a drying puddle of my own blood. That blood a reminder that I am in fact, still alive. Still a living, breathing creature. My hands rest on my belly, a flood of emotions swimming throughout my body like insects crawling beneath my skin. I can feel it moving through me, causing me a mixture of pain and peace.

The only answer was to push forward. That was simply all I could do. It’s what I had to do. I could find a way to hide behind a mask. Letting the pain bleed out only when I was alone. No one else had to know. I think I can be a good actor. I’d have to be if I want to keep this position. If the council sees that I’m slipping away from sanity, they will remove me and give my title away, and despite never wanting this stupid title in the first place; I refuse to have it taken from me now.

I f*****g earned this.

I will damned if anyone else sees me as broken and weak. That’s something only I will selfishly keep to myself...

The devil wins today, but not in the same way that I thought he would. He sits on my shoulder. Promising me that if I just fixate the mask over my pain, I can take over the world and those who set it ablaze. I will be forged by my own fire. Coming out stronger than ever.

I plan to choke the world on the ashes of my burnt dreams.