Forever and Always

Chapter Nine: Archer

Archer

Punch

Punch

Punch

Jab

Jab

Jab

Right hook.

I’ve been going at this for the past three hours non-stop. Sweat was streaming down my face and into my eyes, stinging like a motherfucker. My chest was heaving in and out heavily as I tried to catch my breath. I couldn’t stop. I had to do something to let this anger out that has been building up inside me over the past four months. I felt terrible for avoiding my family, but I couldn’t take the Jo talk anymore. It’s all they’ve been talking about. Every time I tell them to stop, they do for my sake because it fuckin’ hurts. Everything I found out, fuckin’ hurts.

She has a son.

She has a fuckin’ son that’s not mine and dad wanted to tell me about him.

How the f**k does dad know about him anyways and why did he not say something sooner about seeing her?

Shit, I probably would have shut that down months ago too, knowing me.

But they think I’m dumb. I know they’ve been sneaking around on the weekends and visiting her. It's convenient that all six of them leave together with a bunch of little kid s**t and come back with stupid grins on their faces, but why? Why go visit her? She left! She left all of us and hasn’t been back since, not even to visit. I don’t understand. I know she’s only a few hours away but she could have come by and at least put me out of my misery.

She could have reached out and talked to me. She could have messaged me at least, called, emailed, anything! She could have let me know she was okay! She could have done anything, but no, she ghosted us for years and now she wants back in our lives? What does she want? Money? Attention? Help running from something or someone? Of course she would come back when she wants something. Women are as selfish as they can be. I've learned from the past with the girls everyone has tried to set me up with. They just wanted me for my family name and money. f**k them. f**k. That. It's why I never went through with any of the dates. I never even touched a woman since that night with Jo because no one is her.

Even with her moving on, I couldn't do it. I'll die celebate.

Just the thought of her starting a family with someone else ignites a burning inferno inside me. It makes me want to destroy everything in my path but at the same time, crawl into a damn corner and hide from everyone. It was supposed to be us. I bared my soul to her that weekend when I visited her, the last weekend I had her withering under me, screaming my name in pure ectasy. I told her I wanted her. I told her I loved her, f**k, I still do, but I would never admit that s**t out loud. I told her I could see our future. I tried to talk to her over those two months but life got in the way and the distance didn't help. It never does.

But to come to me and then run off before I could explain s**t to her? To ghost me when I tried to call her and message her? To run and hide from me and then find some other guy to f**k and marry that's not me and start a damn family? I let out a scream as I punched the bag over and over, hearing the chain creak from the force of the movement. I closed my eyes and pictured everything. Her walking down the aisle to an unknown man, having his baby, living happily ever after.

It makes me hate her. It makes me hate him for having what was supposed to be mine.

If I could never see her again, I would be happy. Because f**k, if she showed her face around here with her stupid, happy family, I don’t know what I would do.

So, what do I do?

I beat the s**t out of myself with this fuckin’ punching bag, hitting it over and over with no gloves until my knuckles are raw and bloody. I need to feel something and right now, it’s pain.

Because, at this very fuckin’ moment, Taylor is with them going to see her and it fuckin’ kills me that she’s seeing her. I feel like I’ve been betrayed. I feel like now that she’s back in their lives, they are taking her side in everything. How could they? She left! She’s the one that decided to leave. She’s the one that ghosted me without a damn word.

I never got a chance to explain what happened with Tara.

But I had a chance to go and fix all that, so what do I do? I told them no. I couldn’t look at her, in her house, with her boyfriend, fiancé, husband or whatever he is now, with their children. I couldn’t do that. It would kill me, it already is.

“Why do you do that s**t to yourself?” I heard from the doorway. I looked over and saw Finn and Drew, standing there shaking their heads at me. Drew has been a chill guy, working here with Finn when the kids are here to help in case they get hurt and working with Luna at the café in the mornings. Finn has been going crazy, getting things ready for another hiring event they’re having for the business and the interviews that are going to go on tomorrow. Finn tucked his hands into his pockets and walked towards me, “You’re going to break your damn hand if you don’t start taking care of yourself. Wrap your hands or put on your damn gloves.”

“You might be older than me, Finn, but that doesn’t mean you can tell me what to do.” I mumbled as I took a couple more punched at the bag.

“Stop.” He came over and grabbed my shoulder, making me turn around, “I get that you’re taking your anger that you have on the world out on the poor punching bag, but I’m not going to stand here and let you do this to yourself. This isn't you!” he yelled at me.

“I don’t know what else to do!” I snapped, pulling my shoulder out of him grasp, “Gage convinced bossman to make me take time off because of my anger and because everyone thinks I have some sort of death sentence or something and it seems like every time I turn a corner, someone is talking about Jo, or going to see Jo, or trying to talk to me about Jo! I can't get away from it all! It's driving me insane! I just...” I started to pace, my hands going to my hair, "I want to live my life in peace." I sighed out.

“Maybe that’s a sign?” Drew shrugged his shoulders, “Maybe things have changed that brought her back into their lives to the point where it’s worth mentioning. If I recall, a few years back, Gage tried to talk to you about her and you snapped at him. Hell, you threw him against the wall like it was nothing and threatened him.” He shook his head at me.

Yeah, that wasn’t my brightest moment. I was in a dark place at the time. I don’t remember much. It involved a lot of alcohol but when Gage and Drew came to me one night and tried to talk me about this girl they met, Jo, who was from here and this kid they saw that was probably no more than a year, I snapped. I snapped because I knew it was the same Jo. I knew then she moved the f**k on and I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle hearing about them.

Gage tried to calm me down. He said the kid looked familiar, so I grabbed him and shoved him against the wall, telling him I never wanted to hear about her again. He looked me dead in the eyes and said I would regret that decision, shoved me off of him and walked out.

Things have been tense between us ever since. We’re still partners and we will always have each other’s back when we’re in uniform, but out of uniform, I don’t speak to him. He doesn’t speak to me. We co-exist for the sake of our family. It makes s**t awkward when everyone gets together so I've stopped being around them. Taylor has begged for me and Gage to talk, but we're both stubborn as hell and neither one of us wants to make the first move.

Even though I know it should be me.

“I’m still sorry about that.” I sighed as I slid my back against the wall, bending my knees and letting my arms hang over as my head went to the wall, “I just…”

“I get it.” Finn shook his head, “The thought about her makes you crazy but something needs to fuckin’ change. It’s a matter of time before she comes back and visits, especially if Tristian has anything to say about it. There’s a reason why he’s going to see her almost every weekend. He's always looked at her like a daughter, Taylor's sister and we know how much he's missed her, so, if she's back in his life, count that days, Archie.”

“Do you know the reason?” I asked both of them.

“No.” They both shook their heads, “We don’t, but I’m sure we’ll all find out when it’s time.” Finn sighed and held his hand out to me so help me to my feet, “I’m in the dark as much as you are but there is always a reason why they do these things. They are tying up loose ends. I can feel it. Something’s in the air and things are going to change. And it's going to be for the better.”

“s**t…who knows, maybe your world is about to turn upside down.” Drew shrugged as I turned to the bag and went to punch it, but missed, hitting the wall behind it.

“f**k!”

“You’re an i***t. Drew, can you fix him up?” Finn rolled his eyes, “I got s**t to do.” He mumbled, leaving the room.

Drew went to the locker on the other side of the room and pulled out some medical s**t for my hand. It was throbbing, but it felt so good. Feeling this pain was better than feeling nothing, at least I know I’m alive.

“s**t, that hurts!” I seethed through gritted teeth as Drew grabbed my hand and started to clean the broken skin on my knuckles. I glared at him as he carelessly poured the rubbing alcohol on the wounds, purposely, because he’s a d**k like that. Okay, not a d**k, just fed up with my bullshit like everyone else in the damn family is, “You could at least warn me or be fuckin’ gentle!” I snapped.

“Keep your mouth shut before I shut it for you.” He muttered, “And gentle? Weren’t you the one that said there is no such thing anymore because you have a heart as hard as stone and don’t give two shits about anyone or anything anymore?” he raised his brow at me, angry, because of what happened today, “I’m tired of your attitude, man. You need to learn to stop and keep your mouth shut sometimes before it gets you in trouble.” He shook his head, leaning over to grab wipes to clean my hand up.

“I don’t’ know what you’re talking about.” I grumbled, tensing. How did he know what happened today? s**t, Gage. Of course Gage would say something to him about my big ass mouth.

Earlier, I made a terrible joke about the two of them and their s*x lives. Gage did not like that, at all, and he punched me in the gut and told me if I don't change my s**t attitude and watch my mouth, it's just going to get worse.

Yeah, I've turned into a royal asshole.

“He told me what you said, you dickface. Your family might be able to put up with you, but I’m not. What you’re doing is beyond disrespectful and it needs to end because Finn is right, things are about to change and when life throws you a lemon in your face, you’re going to wish you made lemonade with it instead of getting the damn juice in your eye. So, do us all a favor and keep your big mouth shut before you get yourself in worse trouble.”

“What are you going to do to make me stay quiet? Leap over here and kiss me?” I grinned, making him snap his head up at me as the look on his face would bury me ten feet under. The comment was unnecessary and it was downright fuckin’ rude, but this is how I’ve been for the past few years. I hate myself and everything I’ve become. Everyone sees it and they’ve put up with me and my attitude because they care about me, but I know that only lasts so long. It’s only a matter of time before they slowly start cutting me out even more than they are now.

I looked up at him with a grin, letting him know I was joking but the look on his face didn’t’ agree with that notion. I can tell that comment was pushing it over the top, “Shit.” I grumbled.

“s**t is right, you jackass!” He snapped, raising his voice at me as he stood up, knocking back his chair, making it land with a giant thud on the floor, “I’ve put up with your pissy attitude for fuckin’ years. We all had and it’s time you learn to fuckin’ change your tone or something is going to happen to make you regret it.”

“It was a joke.” I mumbled.

“I don’t care if it was. It was wrong and downright rude. I’ve been nothing but patient and kind to you since we met and this is how you treat me? Hell, you treat your family even worse!” he yelled as I looked up at him. I was surprised, honestly. He was never one to yell. He always kept his composure no matter how much s**t I give him. He knew I meant it as a joke, right? “Leave my relationship with Gage out of your fuckin’ mouth because you know nothing. You know damn right we aren’t s****l with each other, just your fuckin’ cousin, so have some goddamn respect for your family.”

“Dude, chill.” I held my hands out in defense.

“No. Get the f**k out.” He pointed to the door, “Leave before I do something you’ll regret.”

“You mean you’ll regret, right? Like you will do something that YOU will regret?” I was taken back by him snapping. This isn’t like him. He’s taken my s**t more than the others, him and Gage, and I knew I was pushing it, but this side of him? I’ve never seen before.

“No. I meant what I said. I’ll do something you’ll regret. You might think you’re a badass cop that can throw a couple of punches and box, but remember who the f**k is helping train you. Remember who laid you on your ass every damn time you stepped into the ring. I will beat the s**t out of you and not feel bad.”

“Dad will fire your ass.” I glared, “So will my uncles.”

“They won’t do s**t, because honestly, they’re sick and tired of your damn attitude.” He pointed at me, “We get you were hurt because the ‘love of your life’ moved the f**k on without you. We get your upset because you’re not part of her life and ever since you found out she was engaged, you’ve been a royal d**k to everyone, taking your frustrations out on them! But it ends now before you so irreversible damage to your relationships.”

“You know nothing.” I glared as I stood up, starting to walk towards the door.

“I know enough.” He said, “I know you’re feeling pain and the only way you can let that out is either by violence and anger, or with your family because you have this idea that no matter what happens, they’ll forgive you.” And that made me pause. I stood in front of the door and listened to him as he spoke, taking in his words, “But take my word for it, that forgiveness is going to last so long before they tell you to f**k off. Is that what you want? You want to lose not only your girl, but your family too? Hell! They’ve been trying to talk to you for months about what happened but you won’t sit the f**k down and listen to them because you’re terrified of your goddamn black, ice cold heart shattering. Grow the f**k up for once in your damn life…

…It’s been years, Archer. Years. You’re an amazing cop. You’re one of the best brothers and uncles that anyone could ask for. You are there for your family at the drop of a hat and will bend over backwards to help them without a second thought. But do you see yourself?”

“What do you mean?” I whispered, not looking at him as I turned to look out the giant window facing the woods.

“The anger is going to get you in trouble. I see the way you look at all of us when we’re all together and I’m not stupid. I know you’re thinking about how it sucks you’re the only single one left, but what you don’t understand is you’re still young. There is still time out there for you to find your one but what you need to do, is not burn your bridges with your family, because those bridges can only take so much damage before they fall apart.”

“I don’t know…” I mumbled, my head falling, “I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I don’t…I don’t remember the last time I had a genuine smile and I don’t…I can’t move on, Drew. I’ve tried. I’ve fuckn’ tried. Everyone’s tried to help me but it all comes down to the ache in my goddamn chest that won’t go away. That feeling like there’s unfinished business I need to take care of but I’m fuckin’ terrified to open that door and see what’s behind it.”

“Come on.” He huffed, coming over and gripping my shoulder, “You’re coming out with us tonight to get a few drinks and we all can talk about this, because this version of you? This isn’t you.” he shook his head, "You may be an ass and not think about what you're saying before you actually say it but I know you didn't mean it. Just, watch the mouth. Please. Next time, I won't be so understanding. Next time you say something like that, I will beat the s**t out of you. We miss how you used to be."

“You haven’t known me for that long…”

“Four years, Archer, four years and I’ve heard stories of how you used to be. You used to be the happy guy who would help out his family no matter what. You used to love with your heart and always smile, but do you know how bad it’s getting?”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

And what he said really snapped things into perspective with me. It was something that I never wanted to hear, not one day in my life and that’s when I knew I needed to change, because it was starting to affect the kids and I can’t have that.

All of them, each and every one, means the world to me and the last thing I want is for them to be uncomfortable around me.

“Miles is afraid to be around you during hockey practice because he’s afraid of what would happen if he messes up. Ivy has been begging Sawyer to not have you watch her after school when they’re working late. Luke shuts down when he’s around you, Archer. Ellie does the same and so does Brooklynn. You think that twins are on their best behavior when they’re with you? They are, because they’re afraid, so is Phillip and Markus. Kinsley and Kennedy act out around you because they look up to you and want to be like you and think the attitude is okay. Finn won’t let you around Harper without him because the last time she was, you made her cry and f**k, Sam started to pick on some of the other kids. And Jay…” he shook his head, “Jay won’t leave Luna’s side when you’re around.”

“Am I…am I really that bad?” I asked. This was all a new revelation. I didn’t know, “I…this is the last thing I want. I don’t want the children to be afraid around me. I love them all. I would die for them.”

“I know this, we all know this, but something has to change.” He gave a small, sad, side smile before releasing my shoulder after giving me the biggest truth bomb of the century, “You need to find yourself again, dude. Stop with the violence. Stop with the anger. Stop with the hostility because at the end of the day, you’re still going to end up the same.”

“And how’s that, smartass?”

“Alone.” He shrugged and my chest stopped beating, “At the end of the day, you will still end up alone. The question is whether or not you can look at yourself in the mirror and smile at the man you’ve become or look at yourself and feel shame.”

“Shame…” I sighed as I shook my head, looking down, “It’s all I feel. I feel like a damn failure in every sense of the fuckin’ word.”

“But you’re not.” Gage said as he walked into the room. He came up to Drew and gripped his shoulder, giving him a kiss on the top of his head. I looked at Drew with a c****d eyebrow and he just smiled and shook his head at me.

I will never get their relationship. It confuses me. They aren’t together together but they act like it. To each their own.

“You’re not failure, at all, so don’t think that about yourself. You’re just…lost.”

“You know, this is the most you’ve talked to me in years outside the cruiser.” I gave a small smile, “it’s nice.”

“Well, sometimes you realize you’re wrong and it can take a while to pull your head out of your ass.” He shrugged.

“You? Wrong?” I scoffed, “Yeah…right.”

“I was.” He shrugged, “I tried to force information on you years ago you weren’t ready to hear and for that, I was wrong. I should have known it was a touchy subject. I felt like it was something you needed to know.”

“If it was something like that, she should have come to me…”

“And maybe she wasn’t able to?” he c****d his brow at me, “Have you thought about that? Maybe there was a reason? Maybe, she tried and maybe, just maybe, something happened that made her shut everyone out.”

“And what could that possibly be? She’s never let anything like that happen to her before.”

“I guess we’ll find out.” He shrugged and smiled, “Come on. Let’s go. We have work to do.”

“What do you know?” I glared.

“Nothing right now.” He smiled, “But come on, get your ass in the car. We have patrols tonight.”

“I’m on a forced vacation.”

“Yeah, that was a lie.” He shrugged, “I just wanted you to take a few days off and now that you have, it’s time to get back to work. Now. Let’s go.”

And with a grunt and eyeroll, I grabbed the first aid kit we had out and followed Gage to the cruiser so he could take me to the station to get ready for a surprise shift tonight. But something deep down inside me was telling me something big was going to happen.

And it was going to change my life.

I just didn’t know how much.