Love or Leave (#1 of the Grey pack)

lesson learned

Jessica’s P.O.V.

HOLY HELL

Holy f*****g hell

What the hell just happened?

I was lying flush against the chest of a freaking stranger, a man who I hadn’t even met an hour ago. And apart from knowing his name, knowing that he was handsome and freakishly good at what we had just done here, he was still a complete stranger to me!

What the hell was wrong with me?

Because worst of all, lying here, against him, I felt… safe… cared for…protected… and in some strange kind of way, loved even. But one thing was for sure, call it a quicky or not, that right here had been without a doubt the best s*x I had ever had, hands down. It was all a little crazy, and all a little scary as well. I wasn’t that adventurous in bed at all, I wasn’t a virgin, but I was not the girl who had s*x with strangers in the front seat of a truck either. I never flirted while being on the job, I never even had a one-night stand in my life. I had one serious relationship while I was in college, but after we both graduated and we both started to travel for work, we had grown apart and the relationship broke off very quickly. And ever since that, I had never slept with a random guy again, not even once. Because that simply wasn’t me as a person. But s**t… call me crazy, but if random s*x was always like this, I was missing out on some big things in life here. I sighed deeply, as I felt my handsome cowboy’s hands run up and down my spine. It felt good, feeling his fingers on my body, even though I was still wearing all of my clothes and it wasn’t directly skin-to-skin contact. I somehow felt safe in this handsome cowboy’s arms. But then the thought popped into my head, knowing how men were, all men. And so, I pulled myself back, sitting straight, while this guy was still filling me up, still making shivers run up and down my spine.

I glanced down at Derek, the handsome cowboy who had just rocked my world and turned it upside down completely. His cowboy hat now resting on the backseat of the truck. The exterior lights on the parking lot shined their lights on him, letting me see that his hair was looking tousled because my fingers had been strangled in them just a couple of seconds ago. It made me blush just thinking about how I had been pulling those strands of hair just a little while ago.

“f**k, that was good.” The cowboy told me with a deep sigh, his chest still heaving from his own performance. But all I could do was smile down on him in a post-orgasm haze. I felt content, relaxed, and very, very sated. He was right in saying it, nailed it on the head even. But also, it was done and over with now. Now, nothing more but a distant memory, something I would think back about in the future, probably while I was alone in my hotel room somewhere, using my fingers or a vibrator to get myself off because, in some weird way, this man had ruined me for the rest of my life. He had ruined me for all mankind. Because deep down, I knew that what I had just gone through was something really special, something that not all women would encounter in their lives. I was one of the lucky ones, having s*x with a hot and wild cowboy in a truck. Yup, this was one for the books alright. Never in a million years would I settle for vanilla s*x again, not ever again. And it was all because of this guy, on whose lap I was still sitting.

So slowly, I pulled myself up and off of him, climbing over his lap and back into the passenger’s seat, where I started to pull my skirt back in its original place and I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to look somewhat normal again, even though everyone inside the bar would probably be able to see how thoroughly f****d I looked right now. I even believed I was glowing.

Yup

He totally ruined me.

Damnit

I saw him take off the condom and how he got rid of it, throwing it out of the truck before he closed his pants, and I swallowed deeply, wondering who would all walk by later tonight, seeing that condom on the ground, and it made my cheeks turn dark pink. And somehow, the thought made me feel like a million dollars as well. Because this was our secret, our dirty little secret. And out of all the girls present at the bar tonight, somehow, I was the lucky one to get this hunk's attention, even if it was just for this one time and one night only. But I was pulled out of my daydream, as I heard him clear his throat.

“Do you want some water? Or do you need a ride home?” He asked me, a weird expression on his face as if he felt awkward right now. And I pushed back my need to sigh deeply and roll my eyes at him. Typically, men. They had had their fun, now it was awkward and he was looking for a way to get rid of me as soon as possible. But I knew it would come to this. I knew this was nothing more than a 'quicky' between us, a one-night stand. There were no feelings involved here. It was just casual s*x, nothing special.

except, it had been the best s*x of my life…

too bad there aren’t any feelings involved.

Because actually... it had been special to me.

“No,” I answered him, shaking my head before I gave myself one final inspection, seeing how my clothes were all looking just fine. There was no more need to stay in the car and let awkwardness fill up the air around us.

“No need to be weird about it. It’s OK.” I told him, sending him a small smile.

“It’s fine, really. We hooked up, and we both liked it. End of story, right?” I asked him, seeing how he swallowed deeply, his Adam’s apple bobbing.

“Right.” He answered me, to which I nodded, pressing my lips together as I reached for the door handle, but was surprised, as I felt his hand on mine. And I turned back in order to look at him more closely.

“I really did enjoy this, Jessica,” Derek told me, and somehow, I didn’t like the look in his eyes right now. He looked as if he was in pain as if he didn’t want our little rendez-vous to end right now. But we both knew it was that time, it was time to call it quits, time to go home and live our lives the way we had done before we had met each other. Apart from each other, no matter how hot the s*x had been and no matter how strong the physical attraction was between us. There was no future between us and there never would be. I was a walking mess. I didn’t do ‘ committed relationships’. I never would. Simply because I didn’t know how to love or be loved in return.

“Goodbye, cowboy.” I nodded at him, as I pulled through and opened the door of the truck, I got out and closed it behind me, and without looking back at the truck once, I stepped back towards the Ranch House to get back to Rachel’s bachelorette party. But somehow, for the rest of the evening, I couldn’t get rid of the vision of my handsome cowboy, those dark eyes, feeling the strength of his arms, the feeling of his fingers against my skin, the taste of his lips. And somehow, I ended up hours later in my bed, all alone, while my dreams were completely filled up with him.

ruined

Yes…

I am totally ruined from now on.

To make matters even worse, Rachel had somehow found a way to make my night end in pure torture, by inviting me to her wedding as well. While I had told her no, she simply didn’t seem to take 'no' for an answer, shaking her head with every excuse I tried to come up with. As I got dropped off at my mom’s house, I knew that a week from now, I needed to be at Rachel’s wedding, alone and miserable. I sighed, as I waved at the car still holding some girls from the bachelorette party, before I turned around and walked up to my mom’s house. Yes, my mom’s house. I grew up here, but it had never felt like home to me. It was the place where my parents had fought, where my mom had cried when my dad had left us, where I had felt miserable, and the place where I had run away from the first chance I had gotten. I would have rather stayed in a hotel, but once my mom had heard that I was coming back here to write a story because she was probably the one who had slipped my name to the mayor in the first place, she insisted on me staying with her until my story was written, and I would be off again to another country, another story. Probably Mexico or somewhere in the Bahamas. Someplace that had lots of sun and a place that looked anything like the one where I was right now.

I opened the door, using the key that was still hidden underneath an ugly ceramic cat statue that my mom had once gotten as a birthday gift, the same place where it had been hidden since I was 16 years old. I opened the door slowly, hearing how the TV was playing as I closed it up behind me. I tiptoed through the hallway, getting into the living room, seeing how the TV was still on and my mother was lying fast asleep on the sofa. An almost empty bottle of wine gave me a pretty good idea about how my mother would have spent the night. Like usual, she must have felt sorry for herself and drank herself half to death before knocking herself out on the sofa. Did I know that my mother had a drinking problem? Of course, I did. Me and everyone else living in this small town. Only, my mother didn’t seem to agree with me. To her, she was doing just fine, getting by, living day by day.

sure…

whatever, mom.

I shook my head in disgust as I picked up the remote control and turned off the TV. I picked up a blanket and draped it over my sleeping mother. I thanked myself once again for making the choice to leave when I was still young. I knew that if I hadn’t left then, I would still be here, still taking care of her and probably feeling just as miserable as her by now. Sure, my dad had left us, but there were always two sides to the story. My mom had always been easily depressed. And I guess at some point, my dad had had enough of her constant mood swings, and he had found his happiness somewhere else. With a new and happy wife and new and happy kids. He had traded both me and my mom in for new ones. I had always hoped that maybe one day, my dad would remember me and that he would have wanted to build a relationship with me. But that day had never come. And at some point in time, I had just given up on trying to connect with him, I had given up on hoping to see him drive up to our house again. I had just… stopped. Lesson learned, you could only trust yourself. Me, myself, and I. And I sure as hell didn’t need to rely on anyone else to be happy. I would make my own happiness, by making sure that no one would get close enough to hurt me as well.

But looking at my mom right now did make me feel depressed. She should have lived her life differently, she should have said ‘f**k it’, put on some make-up, dressed up sexy, and found herself another man, a man worthy of her time. She should have made herself happy, instead of letting her mood swings depend on the guy who was or wasn’t in her life at the time. She was miserable because she had let my father hold that power over her. But not me. She would not pull me down with her. So, I made a mental note to myself, making sure that by tomorrow, I would find myself another place to stay. I would write the story as fast as I possibly could and, with that, I would leave this city again, as fast as I could. And I sure as hell would never come back here either. So, I silently made my way up the stairs, to the bedroom where I had last slept every night until I had been 18 years old, trying to come up with a plan to get myself back out of here, as soon as I possibly could.

******

The next morning, I was sitting in a small diner in town. By the time I had gotten up, my mom was still snoring loudly on the sofa. So, I had decided not to wake her up by making breakfast, but instead, I had gone out for coffee. Lord only knew I would be feeling much more relaxed when I wouldn’t be at home, looking at my mom with a massive hangover.

“Hey, Jessica.” I looked up, smiling at Sonja, one of the girls I still remembered from high school. By the looks of it, Sonja had chosen the same path as Rachel had. Stayed inside this little town, taking a little job, probably finding herself a simple man as well, while she was living a simple life.

“Hey Sonja, it’s been a while.” I nodded at her, placing my notepad and pen down next to me. Sonja stared down at it, as she poured my mug full of hot, black coffee.

“I heard you became a journalist, how is that going for ya?” She asked me, to which I smiled.

“It’s been going really good.” I nodded, biting the inside of my cheek.

“Sonja, I am actually writing a story about this town, and the things that would attract potential tourists. Would you happen to know where I would be able to start digging?” I asked Sonja, knowing as a writer, that the best secret spots mostly lay with the people who actually had been living there their whole lives. Sonja leaned on one leg, pressing her hip to the side as she leaned against my table.

“Well, the mountains should be a good place to start.” She shrugged, and I could see she was still thinking.

“The history behind them is quite magical actually. Maybe you could talk to some of the old folks around here. I’m sure they would like the company of talking to someone.” She added, to which I nodded. Giving some history inside my article would never be bad. Tourists always loved to know little details about a place they would visit, stories that would pull them in.

“Great, is that retirement home still on 9th street?” I asked Sonja, who nodded back at me.

“Yes, it is.” She nodded, smiling down at me.

“My granny is living there now. Say hi to her for me when you see her.” She told me, looking down at the coffee.

“That one is on the house. It’s good to see you again, Jessica. Welcome home.” She smiled, to which I simply nodded. Unable to answer her with a smile. Because honestly, this place did not feel like a welcome home to me at all. This felt more like a prison, a place I wanted to run away from. So, the faster I would have my story ready, the sooner I would be back out of here, for good this time.

“Thanks for the coffee.” I thanked Sonja, who winked at me before she stepped over to the next customer. And before my mug was empty, I was already back out the door, trying to get the story together as fast as possible, because the hot Mexican sun was already calling out to me.