Love or Leave (#1 of the Grey pack)

you doing OK?

Derek’s P.O.V.

I groaned, closing off my laptop after staring at it once again for thirty minutes straight. After last night with Jessica, my mind had been filled up with nothing but… Jessica, really. After our love-making session in the truck, which had been so freakishly hot and perfect in my opinion, I knew deep down that it was meant to be more than just a quicky, to never hear from each other again after that. And I knew for a fact that I was nowhere near done with that teeny tiny thing either. Not by a long shot. I had realized in that moment of post-orgasm clarity, that I would never really be done with her in some way. Because somewhere deep down I understood, that from that moment on, I had wanted her. I wanted Jessica. And that made me an asshole, and I was f*****g angry at myself for even feeling this way right now because, in some wicked way, it made me feel unfaithful towards my mate, who was still somewhere out there in the world. What the hell was I supposed to do when I found her now? Would I be able to just forget about Jessica, as if she had never existed in the first place? While right now, she has been on my mind constantly. As if she was the only thing in this world that actually mattered to me.

“I am going for a run,” I muttered, looking at my Alpha Archer, who was sitting behind his own desk, looking up at me as he lifted an eyebrow, which made him look like an actor for some weird reason. We don’t normally run during the day in our wolf form. Wolves were creatures of the night, and the risk of exposure was always higher in broad daylight. Especially when there were hikers up in the mountains that were surrounding our pack lands. Seeing a hunter could always end up badly for us, let alone having a human seeing us shift. But as long as I stayed on pack grounds, I knew I would be safe. I just really needed to let off some steam right now, otherwise, I would be getting inside of my truck and I would be roaming through the city, searching for a beautiful travel journalist with ocean eyes. And I hated myself for even feeling this way. Hell, what would I even tell her once I found her?

Hey, sugar,

remember me?

Yeah...well,

funny thing actually,

I am a werewolf.

And for some reason, I don’t even understand myself,

I want you.

Hell,

I want to own you!

But I can’t,

because you are not my true mate,

another fact about werewolves that you don’t even understand or know about.

But hey…

let’s kiss and dive into bed together,

OK?

FUCKING DIPSHIT!

About an hour ago, I had gotten the stupid idea into my head, to google the teeny tiny thing. Just type in ‘Jessica travel journalist’ and see how far it would get me. And thanks to the world wide web, I didn’t even have to search too long, before I found her full name and a couple of articles that she had written as well. And for some weird reason, I felt proud of her after reading them. She was good at what she did, really good. Her stories pulled you in, her pictures were breathtaking. Especially the one of herself that I found when I started to dig a little deeper. It was her profile picture on her i********: page. Those damn ocean eyes squinted as she smiled widely, the wind in her hair as she was sitting on a beach somewhere, the ocean in the background, freckles covering her cute little nose. It made my heart flutter. s**t, I never fluttered, let alone use the word in combination with myself. The fluttering had made room for jealousy and a bit of anger, as I saw that her profile wasn’t private and she had way too many pictures of herself online, posing in a little bikini. Photos that strangers could see as well. And the fact that I was now sporting wood inside the same room as my own Alpha, I was f*****g pissed, knowing how many fuckers and creepers were able to see the same damn thing as well. Because f**k, I wanted to be the only one to be able to see that, not the whole f*****g world. She posted a lot of photos of only herself. Hardly any friends, no family, not even pets. Just different beaches, cocktails, airport photos, stuff like that. And in some way, it all seemed… so unpersonal, as if she wasn’t showing who she truly was as a person to the outside world, at least not really. As if she was keeping that part of herself locked up, hidden from the outside world. Hidden from me.

“You doing OK, Derek?” Archer asked me, to which I shrugged.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I asked him in return. To which my Alpha tilted his head and seemed to be looking at me more closely.

“I don’t know, brother. You seem distracted today, that’s all.” He told me, to which I nodded.

“I promise I will have my thoughts straightened out once I come back from my run. Didn’t sleep that well last night, that’s all.” I told him, already heading out of the door.

“Don’t bother coming back in today, Derek.” My Alpha told me, making me stop dead in my tracks to turn around and look at him.

“You need to move back into your apartment. The house is done. Bec and I are out of your condo. Take the afternoon to bring your stuff back in. The pack house needs you here.” My Alpha told me, making me nod. My Alpha and Luna’s house had been burned down a couple of months ago. As a courtesy, I had offered up my own condo inside the packhouse, since it had once been the Alpha's retreat before he had moved into a house. The Alpha and Luna had a little baby girl to take care of and they needed the space more than me at the time. The Alpha had accepted, and I had been staying inside my pawpaw’s cabin inside the woods ever since. Knowing that once the Alpha and Luna would move back into their newly built home, I would be able to move back into the pack house. But honestly, I had liked being inside my pawpaw’s cabin way back at the borders of the pack. It was old as s**t and needed some serious TLC, but it was peaceful back there. And it made me feel calm as well, the same as my wolf. Which was something that I had been struggling with, while living inside the pack house, having eyes on me twenty-four-seven.

“Thank you, Alpha.” I nodded, not really sure just yet if I would even move back into my condo. Maybe I should just stay inside my pawpaw’s cabin? Patch it back up, make it my own, and modernize it a little bit. Work on the home where I one day would be living with my mate, with my own family. Because yes, that was the place where I would build my forever home. I had already asked my pawpaw’s blessing into getting his cabin, once he would be able to let go of it. My grandparents had been living in that cabin all my life, and my mom and her siblings had grown up there as well, so the family history had seeped into every crack of that house, and somehow, it lingered in the air as well. Once my grandmother had died, a couple of years ago, and my pawpaw had gotten too old to live all by himself, he had asked himself to be moved into a retirement home. He always laughed, how he loved flirting with the nurses, being able to get them to give him an extra portion of pudding. The man had a way with words and the ladies.

I guess I got that from him.

And my wolf snorted, agreeing with me. I looked down at my watch, it was Saturday, meaning that actually, today was my day to go and check up on the old man. And I figured it would be a good distraction for myself. So, after I had gone out for a quick run, I grabbed the keys to my truck and drove out of the Grey ranch and into the human town, where now, my pawpaw lived.

Wolves, as they grew older, always got the choice: to stay living inside the pack, or, like my pawpaw, go and live inside a retirement home like humans. At a certain age, we weren’t able to shift anymore, our bodies and wolves were both too old to go through the process to shift. I think my grandfather must have been in his early sixties when he shifted for the last time. He never really spoke about it either, just as he never spoke about losing my grandmother all those years ago. Maybe two subjects that were both too hurtful for him to talk about. I guess you could only understand how it felt, once you went through it yourself. And well, since my pawpaw was a talker and he loved social contact, the retirement home seemed to be the ideal solution for him. That, and the fact that me and my family had made up a schedule. So, each day, someone would go and visit the old man. Since I was working all week long, weekends were the days when I had more time to spare, and Saturdays were my turn to spend some time with the guy who had taught my wolf how to catch fish inside the stream, running at the back of his cabin. The cabin that I had fallen in love with.

I parked the SUV before I got out and walked inside the retirement home. As usual, I felt the eyes of some of the nurses burning on my back, but I didn’t give it any attention. After Jessica, I knew not a single woman would grab my attention the way she had done the past night, so there was no point in trying either. I was here for my old man, so I made my way into his room, finding him on his sofa, as he seemed to be watching another one of his TV shows.

“Hiya pawpaw,” I told him, as I closed his door behind me. He looked up at me and smiled, once he saw me. His hearing was slowly getting worse, something that honestly devastated me, to be honest. We all saw how the man was slowly going backward, the years eating away at his health. And I prayed to the Moon Goddess, that I would still get some extra years with him, some good years. I was nowhere near ready to say goodbye to this man. I still needed his guidance and advice every day. Hell, I wanted my future kids to know this amazing guy as well.

“Derek.” He nodded, pointing at the chair standing next to his own, telling me to take a seat there. Like usual.

“How are you doing, my boy?” He asked me, to which I nodded. But my pawpaw frowned, the old bastard had always been able to look right through me. His glasses probably had some X-ray vision like a damn superhero.

“What is troubling you, my boy?” He asked me as I sighed deeply. No matter how big and Beta I would get, I would always be his ‘boy’.

“The ladies giving you trouble?” He asked me in a menacing way, to which I chuckled.

“When you found Mawmaw, did you immediately know that it was her? That she was your mate?” I asked him, hoping my question didn’t hurt him. He seemed to think about it, as his eyes looked back at the TV, and for a second, I thought that he might not have heard me. But then, he did answer me.

“I knew within the first second. Every hair on my body stood up straight, my wolf howled, and her scent was so freaking intoxicating to me, I wondered if I would ever be able to function normally again. I was so f*****g protective over your Mawmaw, I didn’t even want her to get out of the house, to be honest. I didn’t tell her that, of course, because well, she would have kicked my ass if I would have told her to stay inside at all times.” My pawpaw told me, and I laughed, imagining my late grandmother throwing a fit at my pawpaw. And a pang of disappointment washed over me as well, as I knew that these things had not happened to me yet. s**t, I wondered if they would ever happen to me at this point. It seemed as if almost everyone around me was starting to find their mate by now, and I was still sitting back here, feeling jack s**t about anyone. Maybe that was why I was starting to feel things for random humans because my wolf so badly wanted to find his mate, we were becoming f*****g desperate?

“Hey,” My pawpaw called out to me, making me look up at him.

“You’ll find her son, I know you will.” He told me, to which I nodded. Hoping so badly that his words would be true.

“I’m not getting any younger though.” I sighed, to which my pawpaw let his head fall back and barked out a laugh.

“Oh son, you calling yourself old already? You haven’t even started to live yet, you barely made it out of diapers.” He shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing from me.

“Get out of the pack more, search for her, and let your wolf guide you towards her.” My pawpaw told me, to which I nodded at him. Maybe he was right, I knew for a fact that my mate was not living inside the Grey pack, so I needed to get out and search for her elsewhere. Maybe she was inside another pack? Which meant that I needed to go and find her, get her, and bring her home with me. As a Beta, I would never be able to leave my pack behind, which meant that no matter what, my mate would have to move to be with me inside the Grey Pack.

“I’ll talk about it with my Alpha. He actually asked me to move back into the pack house.” I told him, seeing how my pawpaw smiled at me and nodded.

"So, that means my cabin will be free again? Maybe I should rent it out, make some money out of it, while I still can?" He asked me, to which I shrugged again. I honestly didn't want someone else living inside my pawpaw's place, because I wanted that place to be mine. And it would one day be mine. Pawpaw had already given me his word. But right now, it seemed like being the Beta of the Grey pack needed to come first before my desire to build myself a family home. And I guess, only when I have found my mate, I would have found a decent reason for moving out of the packhouse for good as well.

“Good, I need to get some great-grandchildren as soon as possible. I need some life in this old place. So the faster you get out into the world and find her, the better.” He told me, waving at his room, where pictures were hanging against the walls and a small bed was placed against the wall. His room wasn’t a master suite, but my mom had made sure to make it feel homey and cozy, pictures of our family placed everywhere, my grandmother’s blanket lying at the foot of the bed, something my pawpaw had never been able to part with.

“I’ll do my best, I promise.” I smiled, leaning over as I softly patted my pawpaw on his shoulder, making sure not to hurt the old man while doing so.

“Oh, I know, son. And if there would be a way for me to be able to help you, believe me, boy, I would.” He told me, and I smiled because the Moon Goddess could understand how important this old man's words were to me.