Fireside secrets

The snow is melting.

January (POV)

I thought it quite cute that Tommy just assumed because I was a virgin that I wasn't on birth control.

I take the shot, so I knew I wasn't getting pregnant. I would have told him before he tried to knock me up, but honestly what did it matter.

We both know that what he feels now will just fade away once we are around other, available girls again.

I don't mind talking about taking a trip with him somewhere, but I'm not the type to be anyone's number one.

I know that about myself.

If he had to choose between a career in football and me, it would always be his desires that came first.

I won't let any man trap me in a loveless marraige because they wanted me for a hot minute.

Of course Adam was my one and only choice for a husband.

I thought he was perfect once upon a time. I realized that I dodged a big bullet when he rejected me.

No, I'm never again letting a man get that type of control over me. Never.

Well almost never...

I had to sneak my coffee. I told Tommy it was just hot water.

Then I burned my tongue drinking it too fast.

Eivan smiled at me as Tommy left to get the wood for tonight.

" He's getting pretty serious now." he said, knowingly.

" Oh, I don't know. I'm just a man eater right?" I sipped my coffee.

Eivan burst out laughing.

" Walls are thin around here." He said.

" Besides I was trying to be his bro buddy. I mean we both got shot down by you." He said.

" Oh did you now? I shot YOU down. You got that a little mixed up don't cha?" I put my coffee down to raise my eyebrow at him.

He took my hand and squeezed it.

" I'm kidding. I hate that I hurt you like that. I am sorry J."

I nodded. "I'm over it. No worries. I never thought that you were serious about me anyway. So don't say another word about it." I tried to assure him.

" I need time. After I get back from New York can we have dinner?" he asked.

" Nope. Don't think I'll be here. I gotta go back to work and school. I mean you can bring New York to the blanket fort for some fun if you want though."

" Come on, I don't mean having dinner here. I mean after I figure my stuff out."

" Naw. Well unless it's like your engagement party or something, then yes I'll support you my friend.

But will I sit around and pine over you, naw.

I've done that before and it's not my thing. So...no I won't wait around for you to decide if you want me or her. In my mind you have to choose her.

She's your ride or die, your ever after. Go get your girl and never let anything get between you again. She deserves you."

Tommy came back inside, I took several logs out of his hands.

" Good news guys, snow is melting. The sky is clear." He said, rubbing my shoulder.

I threw a log on the fire and went to find a quiet spot to read.

I think I'm over this little threesome we have going on here.

I found that old journal and started to read where I had left off.

I never told him I was pregnant. How could I? He joined the army before he even spoke to me about it.

I felt used and alone. Even his own mother, my boss would never know about the baby, there's no way I can ever keep it.

I had tears in my eyes. This was such a sad story.

I was curled up in the corner of the couch and drifted off after a while of reading.

When I woke up, Eivan was sitting down next to me.

" You think I already chose Diana over you?" he asked me while hugging a throw pillow.

I smiled and pat his hand.

"What does it matter, don't do this to yourself professor. You know your own heart don't you?

Diana loves you. She's right for you. I mean.. what made you fall in love with her back in the day?"

" I guess, we were good friends first, and she was so nice to me. We just kind of turned to eachother and then never parted, well until New York happened."

" And...in New York she was struggling so you came here?" She asked me.

" No! Well yes, but she wasn't willing to get help or to change for me."

" Professor, people can't change for other people, they have to change for themselves.

You made it clear to her that she had no choice.

She made the only choice she could, she let you go. It was the only thing she could control, certainly not her eating disorder."

He set the pillow down and stood up, leaving me with my journal.

I know how Diana feels. I couldn't have a s****l relationship with Adam, it would be all in his control.

Letting him walk away from me was the only way I could take back my control and protect my secrets.

I understood poor Diana very, very well. And just maybe Eivan saw me as Diana. A weak girl that has issues and he was drawn to me because of this.

All these things circled my mind as Tommy sat next to me and rubbed my belly lovingly.

" How you doing moma?" he asked.

My brow went up in humor at his antics.

" Need a foot rub or a belly rub?"

I nodded. "Both feet please lover."

He sat on the floor below me and took off my socks to begin a very sensual, to me at least, foot massage.

I melted down into the couch.

" Oh yes, just like that Tommy. Oh YES!" I shouted.

Eivan threw a pillow at me and hit me square in the face.

I laughed. Boys are so stupid. They just think they know eveything. He actually wants me to wait and pine over him while he lives it up in New York, ha!

I was thinking about after college. I think I want to run my own business. Maybe a coffee shop. But not here. Maybe in a place where there is a lot of open land, Montana or Wyoming.

Maybe my dad would give me a loan to get started. I know he expects me to run the boat when I finish school. I know April won't be doing it.

But, neither will I.

I'm not going back home. I'm not standing by to see April and Adam have kids and be happy together. Naw. I'm going to go out on my own. Start my life new. One thing this snow storm has taught me is that I can be whoever I want to be. A do over.

Not January the child abuse victim, or January the frigid reject.

I'm much more than that. I'm January the woman.

I owe these two boys so much. They showed me that I am stronger than I thought and I am not afraid anymore.

I haven't had a full blown panick attack or wet the bed. So there is that. My bad dreams are gone.

I closed my eyes as Tommy kissed my feet and sucked my big toe.

My eyes shot open.

" Blanket fort now!" I pointed at the bed.

He lifted me up and carefully set me down on the bed, as if I was 9 months pregnant.

" Want to try that butt thing now?" I asked him.

" No way, I don't want to strain you in any way." He said, kissing me softly.