How Can I Make You Love Me?

Chapter 16 - 1

I called Mama Rosing and told her what had happened. I needed her help dahil kailangan kong makaalis sa bahay na ito. She told me that she would contact me again. And now, I'm patiently waiting for it. Lagi kong hawak ang cellphone ko at sinisigurado na naka-charge ito para kapag tumawag si Mama Rosing, masasagot ko agad.

With what Mommy Angela did, I'm very certain that there's something else that she can do and it can be way more dangerous for me. What she did is something I should be scared of, not for myself but more for my daughter.

After din sa nangyari, parang nag-iba ang mga tao sa bahay. They're looking at me weirdly na para bang something's wrong with me. Sa tuwing dumadaan ako sa harap nila bigla na lang silang tumatahimik at tinitingnan ako na para bang isa akong organism sa ilalim ng microscope.

May isang pagkakataon na kinompronta ko sila pero imbes na sagutin ako para pa silang nahihintakutan at nag-alisan.

Hindi ko mapigilang ma-paranoid sa mga asta nila kaya minsan pinipili ko na lang na nasa kwarto lang ako kasama si Alex. Minsan tinatawag nila ako para kumain pero natatakot akong iwan si Alex mag-isa sa kwarto dahil baka kunin siya ni Mommy Angela. Feeling ko naghahanap lang sila ng pagkakataon para malingat ako saglit para makuha nila ang anak ko. Kaya kahit saan ako magpunta, karga-karga ko siya.

I may be overthinking things, but my instinct is telling me I have to be very careful baka kasi kinuntsaba ni Mommy Angela ang mga katulong. Kaya ganoon na lang kung tingnan nila ako. Kaya naman hindi na ako kumakain sa anumang pagkain na hinahanda sa akin ng mga katulong. I always make sure na ako ang naluluto ng pagkain ko.

I thought I was doing a good job for doing these things, but I was wrong... so wrong.

Nasa loob ako ng kwarto at pinapatulog si Alex nang may marinig akong mahinang katok sa pinto.

I’m carrying her when I open the door. I see someone that I don’t know. She is a middle-aged woman and she is wearing a casual white dress robe na hanggang tuhod ang haba. She looks so professional.

"Sino po sila?" nagtataka kong tanong.

"Hi, my name is Lilly Fernsby. Pinadala ako dito ni Rose Alba." Inilahad niya ang kanang kamay niya sa akin. Agad ko namang inabot ang kamay niya para makipagkamay.

Si Mama Rosing? Baka ito na ang tulong na ipinadala niya sa akin. Unti-unting nagkaroon ng pag-asa sa puso ko. Sa wakas, makakalaya na rin ako sa lugar na ito. Hindi ko kasi magawang makaalis nitong mga nakaraang araw dahil pinadagdagan ni Mommy Angela ang mga guards sa bahay. Hindi rin ako pinapalabas. Ayaw ko rin magpumilit dahil baka gamitin nila iyon laban sa akin.

Tiningnan ko muna ang labas ng kwarto para masiguradong wala si Mommy Angela. I’m afraid na makita siya nito at baka iyon pa ang maging dahilan para mapurnada ang pag-alis namin ni Alex sa bahay.

"Pasok po kayo," yaya ko sa kanya nang masiguradong siya lang mag-isa at wala ng ibang tao sa labas. "Pinapunta po kayo ni Mama Rosing dito?"

"Yes, she told me you needed help and I'm willing to help you. May I sit?"

"Yes, of course where's my manners—please take a seat." Iminuwestra ko ang ottoman na malapit sa crib ni Alex. Dali-dali kong isinara ang pinto at ini-lock iyon. Mahirap na at bakamay biglang pumasok.

Umupo naman siya roon at tahimik na inilibot ang paningin sa loob ng kwarto bago ako tiningnan.

"Did Mama Rosing tell you what had happened?” tanong ko sa kanya. Pumunta ako sa may kama at doon umupo.

"Yes, she did. But before that, I want to come clean to you. As I've mentioned, my name is Lilly Fernsby. I'm a doctor—a psychiatrist to be exact. I need to know what happened so that I can help you—"

"Hindi ako baliw," putol ko sa iba pa sanang sasabihin niya. Unti-unting kumulo ang dugo ko. I have a feeling na hindi si Mama Rosing ang nagpapunta sa kanya rito kung hindi si Mommy Angela.

Ito ba ang paraan niya para mailayo nila si Alex sa akin?

Pero sige lang. If this is the game they want to play, bring it on. I will never let my guard down.

"I'm not implying you are. Hindi dahil sa nagpapakonsulta ka sa isang psychiatrist eh ibig sabihin na noon ay baliw ka na. That's not what it means to talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist. That's a misconception. Though it is true that we study human behavior and most likely deal with mentally ill people, it doesn't mean consulting one means you are crazy. We help people overcome their fears. And fear as a start, creates anxiety, depression etc. which can lead to more complicated things and we forbid that to happen. Lalo na at mas prone kang makakaranas ng depression dahil kapapanganak mo lang. Kaya bago tayo dumating doon, we want to make sure that as early as possible we can do an intervention. Besides whatever the result is, it will deeply help you out. You can even use it to your advantage."

Tumango ako sa kanya bilang sagot. Mukhang mali yata ako ng akala. Hindi niya sasabihing psychiatrist siya kung hindi niya ako tutulungan. Inilagay ko na muna si Alex sa crib niya bago umupo ulit sa kama.

"How old is she?"

"She is 3 months old now." I looked at Alex and smiled. Lahat ay gagawin ko to make sure everything is okay and to keep her safe.

"Do you want us go somewhere more private? Baka kasi magising siya habang nag-uusap tayo." Masuyo siyang ngumiti sa akin.

"No, that's fine. Ayokong iwan siya na mag-isa dito at ayokong iba ang nag-aalaga sa kanya." I clasped my hands. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. Finally, someone is helping me.

"Okay, that is fine. By the way, what is her name?" anito na nakatinging sa mga kamay ko. Hindi pa rin nawawala ang ngiti niya sa mukha.

"Alexandra Gabrielle." I don’t know but there’s something in her that is really soothing. It makes me want to open up, siguro dahil iyon ang profession niya. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag. I guess I’m thinking too much.

"What a great name! It suits her. How do you come up with that name?" aniyang parang nakikipag-usap lang sa isang kaibigan.

"It was not me. Stuart gave that name to our daughter." Thinking about it, a tear starts to fall from my eye. Dali-dali kong pinahid ang luha ko gamit ng mga daliri ko. "Sorry, I can't help but get emotional whenever I remember it. It makes me happy knowing that Stuart actually has a name for our daughter. You see, he hated me, and I thought he would also hate our daughter too. Kaya ganoon na lang ang tuwa ko nang sabihin niya sa akin na he has a name for her."

"Care to tell me what happened?"

I nodded. I told her everything. Wala akong tinago. I was hoping that she will understand where I'm coming from and that she will help me.

"I see, that must have been so hard for you. But as I've mentioned, I will help you as much as I can. I also have to ask you some questions. This is very crucial, and I appreciate you for being so honest. So please tell me truthfully so that I'll know how to help you,” aniyang may kinuha mula sa bulsa. Isa iyong maliit na spring notebook na halos kalahating dangkal ang laki at may naka-attached na maliit na ballpen sa spring.

Kinuha niya ang ballpen sa spring at binuksan ang notebook. Napatingin rin ako sa mga kamay niya bago tumango ulit.

"Do you feel threatened?" aniyang nakatingin sa akin pero ang mga kamay ay nagsisimulang magsulat.

Tumingin ulit ako sa mga mata niya. "Yes, I'm also afraid. I feel that I'm no longer safe here. Siguro naman nasabi na ni Mama Rosing sa inyo ang nangyari sa akin dito?" Tumango siya bilang sagot. "After what had happened, nag-iba ang mga tao dito. The maids are constantly watching me na para bang binabantayan nila ang ginagawa ko which is ‘di naman nila ginagawa iyon before. Noong isang araw kinompronta ko sila and instead of answering me, they left me like they were afraid that I'm going to do something. Feeling ko pakana lahat ‘to ni Mommy Angela. Nawawalan na ako ng tiwala sa mga tao rito.” Niyakap ko ang sarili ko. Every single time na naaalala ko ang mga tingin nila sa akin, I can feel the chills running down my spine. I can’t shrug the thought that they’re planning something to hurt me or take Alex away from me.

“And I'm too afraid na iba ang mag-alaga ng anak ko kasi baka ilayo nila ito sa akin. I don't want to happen. Ang anak ko na lang ang mayroon sa akin," I tearfully said.

"I'm so sorry to hear that, Shin. Are you still able to sleep though?" aniyang parang genuine naman ang pag-aalala sa mga mata niya.

"To tell you honestly, no. I'm too afraid na kapag matutulog ako someone will take my baby away from me. Kaya kahit saan ako magpunta, karga-karga ko siya."

Pansin ko na kada sagot ko sa kanya ay nagsusulat siya. Palihim akong sumilip sa sinusulat niya pero hindi ko iyon mabasa sa sobrang liit.

"How do you do that if you need to take a shower, use the bathroom or eat?" she continued asking.

"I used the baby carrier or her wheeled bassinet."

"But don't you think that will harm your daughter most especially if both of you are in the bathroom?"

Napamulagat ako. I didn't think of that. I was so engrossed in keeping my daughter safe not thinking that I might have put her in danger.

"I-I didn't think of that. I just want to make sure ‘di nila mailalayo ang anak ko sa akin and I don't want anything bad happen to my daughter. Just thinking my daughter will be hurt--" Hindi ko naituloy ang sasabihin ko dahil nagsimula nang magbagsakan ang mga luha sa mga mata ko.

Parang dinudurog ang puso ko sa isipin na baka nga mapahamak ang anak ko sa mga ginagawa ko.

How careless can I be? If something bad were to happen to my child, I will never be able to forgive myself.

I dried my tears using the back of my hands.

"Shin, I know you love your daughter so much and you don't want any harm to come to her. What you're going through is normal, but it can be complicated if not being taken seriously most especially that you just gave birth. You've been through a lot and it is understandable that you're feeling this way. But, you have to take care of yourself too, Shin. Mental health is as important as physical health. Would you like me to prescribe you something that can help you sleep?"

"No, I don't want to take any medications. I'm breastfeeding Alex," mariin kong tanggi. Umiling-iling pa ako.

"I know you have concerns about it and I understand. I just want to let you know that the medication I'll prescribe you is very safe for breastfeeding mommies. Actually, it’s just something to help you sleep and ease your mind. I also don't want to harm your baby too. But of course I want to help you as much as I can and that's the reason I'm going to prescribe you this medicine—“

"Can you also help me get out of this house?" putol ko sa sasabihin niya pa sana.

"Of course, that's what I'm here for. I will bring the prescription tomorrow and give it to you personally. And about your request, I have to make arrangements first. We have to make sure na wala silang makikitang butas sa'yo. So, stay here for a while, okay?"

"Thanks, Doc. I really appreciate it. Tatanawin kong malaking utang na loob ito sa'yo. I can now be at ease." Tuluyan na akong nakahinga nang maluwang. Finally, makakaalis na rin ako sa bahay na ito. My heart is now full of hope. Ilang araw na lang ang titiisin ko.

"Don't mention it, I'm here to help. I will go now. I'll see you tomorrow. It was nice meeting you, Shin." Tumayo na siya at inilagay ang ballpen sa spring ng notebook. Pagkatapos noon ay inilagay na niya ang notebook sa bulsa niya. Kinamayan niya ako ulit.

I’m so happy. Sa wakas, may kakampi na rin ako bukod kay Mama Rosing.

Pero akala ko lang pala iyon…