How Can I Make You Love Me?

Chapter 16-2

Apparently, Mommy Angela orchestrated my downfall like a pro. She made everyone believe I'm getting crazy which solidifies with the doctor's note that I have postpartum depression. Ang Lily na ‘yon na akala ko ay tutulong sa akin ay kasabwat pala ni Mommy Angela!

It went overboard when I learned that the pills that I took were not sleeping pills as I thought they would be, but instead they were anti-depressant. I was so upset when I learned about it by accident. Tinatapon ko lahat ng mahawakan ko. If I didn't hear the maids gossiping about me, I wouldn't know.

Minsan may pakinabang din pala ang pagiging chismosa ng isang tao.

Dahil sa nalaman ko, I stopped taking the pills. I don't know how Mommy Angela knew about it because next thing I knew they were injecting me with medicines. I didn't know what they were for.

I asked for Stuart's help but her mother was a devil in disguise. A great manipulator. My cries fall on deaf ears. His mother braided lies and told him I was hurting her. Even Mama Rosing couldn’t do anything to help me. Hawak siya sa leeg ni Mommy Angela. I couldn’t even reach our family lawyer! I was so helpless.

Sana pala nanahimik na lang ako. Sana pala I didn't plan to leave. Kasi kung sana'y ‘di ko ipinagpilitan ang sarili kong umalis, then most probably I'm free with my child and I'm not stuck in this institution.

A mental institution…

Kung sana'y tiniis ko na lang, sana wala ako dito ngayon. Kung sana'y ‘di na lang ako nagwala, sana wala ako sa posisyon ko ngayon. From PPD to psychopathy, it was a big jump. They thought I lied when I was just telling the truth. They thought I was too inflated with myself when I was just so high with the medicine they gave me. They thought I didn't feel any guilt when I was just so full of anger. They thought I'm a great manipulator when I was the victim.

Ang dami kong sana…

Kumusta na kaya ang anak ko?

It's been months since I've been admitted here. Napalingon ako sa paligid ko. Men and women are busy doing things by themselves. May isang babaeng nakayakap sa isang manika habang kinakantahan ito. May lalaking nakatulala. May babaeng nag-ja-jumping rope na wala namang pang-jumping rope. May lalaki na tumatawang mag-isa. Ang iba naman ay tahimik lang na nakaupo pero nakatingin naman sa kisame.

I sighed.

If given a chance, I will do whatever Mommy Angela tells me to do makaalis lang dito. With that thought, I made a plan.

"Doc, pwede mo bang tawagan ang mother-in-law ko? Can you tell her I have something to tell her and I'm willing to compromise?" I was in my session with my doctor. Iba na ang doctor na tumitingin sa akin and I don't know what happened to Doc Lilly. Pero kapag nakaalis ako sa lugar na ito ay isa siya sa babalikan ko.

Twice a week, ini-evaluate kami ng doctor tungkol sa progress namin. Minsan nag-uusap lang kami ng kung anu-ano at minsan naman may pinapasagot siya sa akin or may pinapakita siya sa aking mga abstract pictures.

"Sure, I'll arrange that as a reward because you've been a very good patient. Besides, your progress is superb. I'll make a recommendation for your discharge next Monday," he said, smiling at me.

"Oh my, thank you so much, Doc!" Walang mapagsidlan ang tuwa ko. Napatakip ko ang dalawang palad sa mukha ko. I cried so hard. I miss my baby so much. I can't wait to be with her again.

That afternoon, a nurse called me in my room because I had a phone call. Dali-dali akong nagpunta nurse station kung nasaan ang telepono.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Anong gusto mong pag-usapan?" mataray na bungad sa akin ng taong boses pa lang ay kilang-kilala ko na.

"I'm willing to compromise, Mommy. I will do whatever you say, just please let me be with my daughter. I miss her so much," I sobbed.

"Madali akong kausap, Shin but one wrong move and you'll know what happens next. I talked to your doctor and he told me that you'll be discharged on Monday. Ipapasundo kita sa driver. No funny acts, you understand?" istrikta niyang banta sa akin.

"Yes, Mommy,” I replied like a good girl would do.

Hindi na siya sumagot at binabaan na niya ako ng telepono. I gritted my teeth. I have to be a martyr again. Pero sige lang, this is for my daughter. I have to endure it. Pero pangako ko babangon ako ulit, and they will pay for what they did to me.

MONDAY came and I was very excited to come home. Finally, I'm being discharged. Pagkalabas ko ng institution, nakita ko agad ang itim na kotse. Umibis doon si Manong Lito ang driver nina Mommy Angela.

Sinalubong niya ako nang hindi man lang ngumingiti. Hinayaan ko na lang siya at hindi rin ngumiti sa kanya. Tahimik na kinuha niya ang mga bag ko at pinagbuksan ng pinto sa may backseat. Inilagay niya pagkatapos ang mga bag sa trunk ng sasakyan.

"May gusto ba kayong daanan, Ma'am bago umuwi ng bahay?" magalang na tanong nito pagkapasok sa driver’s seat.

"Wala, Manong miss na miss ko na ang anak ko kaya diretso na po tayo,” matipid na sagot ko sa kanya. Ang totoo gusto kong magpunta ng mall para man lang may pasalubong ako kay Alex, pero hindi ko na lang ginawa dahil paniguradong gagawin na namang dahilan ‘yon ni Mommy Angela para hanapan ako ng mali. I have a feeling na inutusan niya si Manong Lito na i-test ako.

"Okay po, Ma'am," anitong pinaandar na ang kotse.

Palihim akong napangiti habang nakadungaw sa bintana. Excited na excited na akong makauwi sa bahay. At siguro dahil doon ay nae-enjoy akong pagmasdan ang mga nadaanan namin. Marami pa akong dapat gawin at isipin pero hindi ko maiwasang ma-excite na makauwi. Ilang araw, linggo, buwan o taon na ba akong nawala? Hindi ko na matandaan.

Biglang lumakas ang t***k ng puso ko nang makita ko ang sign board ng Havens— ang paboritong tambayan namin ni Stu noong nag-aaral pa lang kami. I couldn’t help but reminisce about the time we were there.

"Manong, pwedeng pakihinto muna riyan sa may tapat ng Havens?" I don't know, but something tells me to stay for a while and watch the place. Wala naman masyadong interesting na tanawin doon. Puro mga tao lang na pumapasok or lumalabas ng bar.

Agad naman inihinto ni Manong Lito ang sasakyan gaya ngrequest ko. Nilingon niya ako. "Papasok po kayo, Ma'am?" tanong niya sa akin.

"Nako, hindi po may naaalala lang po kasi ako sa bar na iyan," nakangiti kong sabi sa kanya na tiningnan ang repleksyon niya sa rear view mirror.

I looked at the place. Binusog ko ang mga mata ko sa tanawin ng mga taong naroroon. Nang magsawa ako ay napagpasyahan kong sabihan sana si Manong na aalis na kami. Pero napahinto ako nang may makita akong pamilyar na bulto.

Kahit matagal nang panahon na hindi kami nagkita ay nakikilala ko pa rin siya. Kahit na nga ba medyo malayo siya sa kinaroroonan namin.

Isang tao lang naman kasi ang may kakayahang magparigodon ng t***k ng puso ko. Kahit matagal na, kahit wala siyang gawin, may epekto pa rin siya sa akin.

I saw him running after a woman. Tinitigan ko ‘yong babae na mabilis na naglalakad. Dahil sa liwanag mula sa poste ay nakita ko ang itsura ng babae. She is pretty. She has the face of an angel, not to mention a body of a goddess, despite the fact that what she's wearing is not even a revealing one.

Timing na timing naman na nahabol ni Stu ang babae. Nahawakan ni Stu ang braso nito. Huminto sila malapit sa kung saan kami nag-park.

"’Di po ba si Sir Stuart iyon? Gusto niyo po bang tawagin ko?" Lumingon si Mang Lito sa akin sabay turo kay Stu.

"Nako, huwag na, Manong. Let him be," seryosong sagot ko sa kanya habang nakatingin sa kanila. Hindi nila kami napansin dahil na rin sa tinted ang salamin ng sasakyan.

"Hey, I'm really sorry about the drink. Let me make it up to you," narinig kong sabi ni Stuart na kinakamot pa ang batok na para bang nahihiya. He looked like a highschool boy talking to his crush for the first time.

"No, you don't have to. It's a blessing in disguise because I want to go home too and partying is not really my thing," sagot naman ng babae. It’s not just the face, but her voice sounds like an angel too. Napakamalamyos niyon at napakahinhin.

"Can I at least get your name and number? I don’t mean to creep you out, but I really want to make it up to you. And if it’s okay, I want to get to know you better."

I bit my lower lips. Akala ko okay na ang puso ko. Kahit pala nagdesisyon na akong mag-move on, masakit pa rin pala. In my peripheral view, I saw Manong Lito looking intently at me through the rear view mirror.

Hindi ko na lang siya pinansin. I tried so hard to remain as stoic as possible.

Napangiti ‘yong babae. "You're a smooth talker, Mister..?"

"Stuart Gener and you are?" He extendS his right hand and she takes it.

They both shake their hands.

"Just call me, Blair."

Stu is all smiles and that's the first time I see him like that. Kulang na lang ay mamula ito habang hawak ang kanang kamay ng babae.

He must have liked the woman. And it reaps my heart apart. Iniiwas ko na ang mga mata ko sa kanila. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pag-iinit ng sulok ng mga mata ko. But I won’t cry. I shed enough tears for him.

Tama na, Shin. Tama na. I keep on reminding myself pero ‘yong puso ko ay may sarili yatang isip dahil ngayon, ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagdurugo niyon.

"Manong, tara na po,” seryoso kong yaya kay Manong Lito. Pigil na pigil ko ang sariling huwag gumaralgal.

Walang tanong-tanong na pinaandar ni Manong Lito ang sasakyan. I looked at them again hanggang sa mawala na sila sa paningin ko.

Masokista ka talaga, Shin.

I clutched my chest. Naninikip ang dibdib ko nang sobra. I felt that familiar pain again. And I thought I was already over him.

Mukhang akala ko lang pala...